Sigh - Sandwich Generation

[soccerdad72]

Now that we’ve just about gotten our kids to adulthood and on their own (nearly, we have one still in college), it seems like most of our time is spent helping take care of our aging parents.

Take tonight for example. Heading home from work tonight and my wife calls me to say her mom, who is 81, was on a bus trip with a friend and fell down some stairs, ending up with a large gash in her leg. So off we went, two hours away, to meet her in the ER. Four hours later and 21 sutures later, we might be able to go back home. Another couple hours home and we’ll maybe get home at like 2am tonight. . Fortunately, she’s going to be ok, but it was far from the night we had planned.

 

[Southernmiss]

We spent 6 months starting 2 summers ago helping an aging relative after falls created brain bleeds, hospital stays, and trips to the bigger hospital 2.5 hours away.

Even our college kids had to help on Christmas break as we couldn't take off anymore for some of the visits.

We've also helped care for my grandmother as she moved through her 90s before she died 7 years ago and my mom several years ago when she broke a hip.

It takes a village sometimes.

Your relatives are lucky to have y'all nearby. And I know it's not easy.

Right now, all sets of parents are holding their own. Fingers crossed, it holds for a while.

 

[kdonnel]

Move them in with you. I never would have thought I would say that but it has been much easier helping care for my wife’s parents that live with us compared to my parents that lived on their own 2 hours away.

Multigenerational households are the bomb.

 

[Neela]

Oh yes...
My mom passed away in June, but the last half year before that was hard. I'm glad I'm not an only child!
I still have my kids at home and had to juggle w a demanding job as well. I'm still "recovering", not just from grief, but also from the stress of it all.

 

[slo]

I’m glad you’re MIL is ok - thank God she didn’t break a hip.

My DH and I are blessed to have both our parents near by so we can help them easily. The 4 of them are 76-79 years old. Lucikily, everyone is still in good health, but we know that could change anytime. Aging is never easy for anyone.

 

[Kitty 34]

Oh yes...
My mom passed away in June, but the last half year before that was hard. I'm glad I'm not an only child!
I still have my kids at home and had to juggle w a demanding job as well. I'm still "recovering", not just from grief, but also from the stress of it all.

Lost my Mom last year and my Dad this past July. They were in their 90s. Because of medical issues the last year with both of them was very rough and taxing mentally.

 

[TippyThomas]

I was lucky in that I lived with my parents as they aged. It certainly wasn't a cake walk, but I can't imagine how difficult it would be for those, like you, who have to add distance to the equation. Take care of you and yours. I know it isn't easy.

 

[unrequited23]

Between DH and I the parents range from 68-84. Our kids are 10 and 12. The falling is the scariest thing right now because they seem to keep it a secret.

 

[TippyThomas]

Between DH and I the parents range from 68-84. Our kids are 10 and 12. The falling is the scariest thing right now because they seem to keep it a secret.

When I bought my home I insisted on a single floor because I knew I'd age alone and didn't want the possible dangers of falling down stairs to be a constant concern. Falling seems to be such a huge problem as we age. At least my exposure to it has been.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

Move them in with you. I never would have thought I would say that but it has been much easier helping care for my wife’s parents that live with us compared to my parents that lived on their own 2 hours away.

Multigenerational households are the bomb.

Hardly an easy thing to do for many.
#1 There isn't room.

 

[soccerdad72]

Move them in with you. I never would have thought I would say that but it has been much easier helping care for my wife’s parents that live with us compared to my parents that lived on their own 2 hours away.

Multigenerational households are the bomb.

We’ve redone our basement so she could live there for short amounts of time if she wanted to. She’s a snowbird, so she’s in Florida more than half the year.

For what it’s worth, the distance she lives wasn’t an issue in this case (she lives about 1/2 hour from us normally). She was on a bus trip, so that’s why she was 2 hours away last night.

 

[mjkacmom]

Move them in with you. I never would have thought I would say that but it has been much easier helping care for my wife’s parents that live with us compared to my parents that lived on their own 2 hours away.

Multigenerational households are the bomb.

Nope. My dad passed but had Alzheimer’s for years. After my mom passed from cancer (very brief), I got him a caregiver. We lived a 2 minute drive away and saw him daily, but man he could be mean. His sister has Alzheimer’s, her husband (extremely wealthy) is her caregiver, she’s as sweet as my dad was angry, but it’s killing him. MIL is 95 and in assisted living, H was there yesterday, one of our daughters is visiting today (about an hour away). House is finally almost empty and then it will be sold (her facility costs $10,000 a month). My grandmother had a live in for 10+ years.

 

[MICKIMINI]

We are empty nesters, however my parents started having bigger health challenges in January. We thought we'd lose Mom, but she somewhat recovered after ER, hospital and a month in a nursing home. She definitely has dementia, but can remember some things quite clearly. Dad has physical struggles (almost lost him to covid in 2020) and is Mom's primary caregiver. We are 2 hours RT. I visit to bring precooked, frozen meals and stay with Mom so Dad can do errands or go to the doctor. DH helps with home maintenance issues. DB lives 2000 miles away and did visit in the spring, but can't do much from there.

It is a constant worry. She was falling almost weekly and has only fallen twice since she came home in May. They don't want to tell us. They finally got those buttons you wear around your neck and a stair chair from the garage. Nursing homes are about 10-15K a month that would meet their needs (that is EACH person). Impossible to sustain that amount, even selling their home to pay for it!

I laid awake last night trying to figure it out. We have lots of space but it is on the second story, so a stair chair would be necessary and a room finished off, though they do not want to live here! We have a newly built, gorgeous home but it is an hour from their doctors, etc. For the cost of one month in a nursing home, they could have a 650 sf space to themselves. They could hire a helper if they wanted. We'd be right here. At some point, it will be what is necessary which may not necessarily be what they want.

 

[ClaraOswald]

I will likely never be an empty nester due to my son's needs. So the idea of someday having to take care of my parents as well is pretty terrifying. (Adding to the constant fear of figuring out what happens to my son someday when my husband and I are no longer on this earth.)

My parents have stated that they would never want to move in with any of their kids. They are 69 and 70 and overall, doing okay right now. But that can obviously change at any time. After losing all of their parents, they definitely have plans in place for the future and whatnot. But it's still scary. Thankfully, I only live about 30 minutes away from them.

 

[neverlandsky]

There will be good days and not so good days. Do what you can without being overwhelmed. Our parents generation was luckier than ours. They didn’t have to deal with their parents decline in health until their late 50s/early 60s. We on the other hand, it started for us in our 40s. Just very glad work and school was understanding. 1 parent passed away last year right before the holidays. It’s been rough.

 

[georgina]

Have been there with parents. Since all of our aging parents have now passed, we are the older generation. We moved closest to our oldest to help out with care for grandson. There are some good places around here that go from independent living to assisted living, several of my friends are already on waiting lists for something when they need it; at 62 and 70 I feel we have time yet before that step.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Nope. My dad passed but had Alzheimer’s for years. After my mom passed from cancer (very brief), I got him a caregiver. We lived a 2 minute drive away and saw him daily, but man he could be mean. His sister has Alzheimer’s, her husband (extremely wealthy) is her caregiver, she’s as sweet as my dad was angry, but it’s killing him. MIL is 95 and in assisted living, H was there yesterday, one of our daughters is visiting today (about an hour away). House is finally almost empty and then it will be sold (her facility costs $10,000 a month). My grandmother had a live in for 10+ years.

Yeah I think a difference can be is it just a mobility issue or is there some other stuff going on. Mobility issues can be easier to live with, easier to adjust the house to accommodated. But once you start adding in either mental illnesses or declines in mental faculties it's really not a simple "just have them move in with you". Caregiver burnout is real.

My grandmother towards the end of her life was also mean as well, but for her case oxygen was being blocked from getting to her brain due to blocked carotid arteries. She was also an alcoholic and would often fall and hurt herself because of that. It would never have been a good thing for anyone to have her move in with any of her kids. She lived in assisted living after she crashed her car into a school bus 45 mins away from her house after she got lost. It really was what was best for her, then her adult autistic daughter moved into her house (which was one half of a duplex) and that also was the best for her.

 

[texaslover]

My dad passed 5 years ago when I was in my early 50's so my brother and I have been "taking care" of my mom since then. I put that in quotes because we have been lucky enough to have her in good health and also very willing to move and do what's best based on her mobility and health. She told us long ago she could never live with me or my brother

She continued to live in her house until this year and has now moved into a senior living village. She has her own one bedroom, two bath villa and can step up to an apt and assisted living as necessary. It includes house cleaning once a week, 2 meals a day, and outdoor maintenance like mowing and weeding. I call every other day now and try to make the 1.5 hour drive a couple of times a month. This will be our first holiday season that she does not have everyone at her house so that will fall to me. All in all it's been an easy transition but I see the distance becoming a problem when she starts to have major health problems.

 

[lovesmurfs]

It is something they don't warn you about. For me, the Covid quarantine was a blessing because I was able to work remotely when my father got his lung cancer diagnosis -- they'd recently moved to Centreville, MD with NO family around.

Now that he's passed, Mom turned 80 and she still lives in Centreville. With no family around. She refused to move to Chicagoland, where DH and I were, but said she'd move to Florida "in a heartbeat." So DH and I moved to Florida (I can still work remotely).

Now she doesn't want to move. Sigh. But we have set up a bedroom with an en suite bath (we converted the tub to a walk-in shower) for her. So I suspect she'll start staying more and more with us.

We'll see. My sympathies, though. It really does suck.

 

[disykat]

I haven't had a day without being the emergency decision maker for a minor child or a parent with dementia since my oldest was born 32 years ago. I feel your pain.

The biggest blessing in my entire life has been that my parents had assets to pay for care. Between the two of them, their assets have been paying for help or full-time memory care for 9 years. I can't even imagine if I'd had to do this full time without paid care. It's hard enough doing all the background work and visiting. For years I drove 8 hours each way multiple times a month, retiring early to do so. Now I just have mom and she's at a memory care literally down the street. It's been 18 hours since I last saw my mom and I'm still working up the gumption to go over. When I left last night we had just been to a concert at my church and she thought she was in a hotel so hopefully she's enjoying her vacation.

I was so fortunate that my youngest graduated from college right when mom and dad's needs really amped up and I was able to retire from full time work. I really feel for the people who have to do it all at the same time. I don't know how they do it all. My parents also would have been devastated if my sons would have had to take more loans because of their needs.