Shower gift? Am I overreacting?

[fakereadhed]

DH thinks I'm out of line with my reaction to sort of a shower gift reqest that I got in the mail today from a relative. What do you think?

Handwritten note from relative expecting first child in another state with a registry card inside for babysRus:

Sorry you can't make it to my shower. (never was invited) Know I am thinking of you! My due date is______ and that date is coming quickly.

Love,
Rude Relative



First of all, I think it's rude to not send us an invitation in the first place. Second, it's rude to send out a registry card unless I asked her what she wanted. Third, she never speaks to us or visits and that is why she had to tell us her due date. I told DH that she is the height of rudeness and there is no way I'm sending her anything! What wouold you do?

 

[Sadie22]

DH thinks I'm out of line with my reaction to sort of a shower gift reqest that I got in the mail today from a relative. What do you think?

Handwritten note from relative expecting first child in another state with a registry card inside for babysRus:

Sorry you can't make it to my shower. (never was invited) Know I am thinking of you! My due date is______ and that date is coming quickly.

Love,
Rude Relative



First of all, I think it's rude to not send us an invitation in the first place. Second, it's rude to send out a registry card unless I asked her what she wanted. Third, she never speaks to us or visits and that is why she had to tell us her due date. I told DH that she is the height of rudeness and there is no way I'm sending her anything! What wouold you do?

I would send a nice card or note stating congratulations. Enclose a note stating "I never received an invitation to your shower. Have a good time... "

 

[mistysue]

I obviously don't know this person, but if it is a fairly normal person, it seems like you might be over reacting a bit. Is it possible you were invited and the invitation was lost?

Maybe it is regional, but I don't think it is rude to tell somebody if/where you are registered. Telling somebody about a registry is not demanding a gift, it is like saying "hey, if you are thinking about a gift, here are suggestions." I personally like to get that sort of information so I know what somebody wants rather than feeling like I have to guess and hope they don't already have six of what I chose. If she had written exactly what you were to send, or told you the amount she expects you to spend on the registry- that would be a different story.
It also doesn't seem odd to me to mention when you are due. I work with my immediate family and last time I was pregnant I got asked "when are you due again?" almost daily from the moment I was showing up until the day he was born. Most people don't remember somebody else's due date and maybe she is just aware of the fact that other people's lives don't revolve around tracking what is going on with her.

I would at least send a congratulating card. The shower is about giving to that child, not the mother. Even if you think my perspective is stupid and are upset with the mom, that really isn't the baby's fault and I don't think you mean to give the message that the baby is unwelcome. My daughter's room is full of personalized books and tokens that are useless to me but remind her that people loved her from the start. She is now 7 and she really appreciates it. I still have books from the shower when my mom was expecting me. Plus, if she rubbed a lot of people the wrong way- you might be the only one to send anything to that baby...

 

[busyshrew]

It sounds to me that there is a *possibility* that your invitation may have gotten lost. (but in that case, why was there no followup phone call about an RSVP I wonder?)

If it were me, I would do as Sadie22 said. Send a polite note, something along the lines of "congratulations on the upcoming arrival of your baby! I would have loved an invite to your shower, I hope it was fun."

But I would not send a gift. Just the card, with well-wishes for the baby. Getting a registry tuck-in should not obligate you to purchase a present. DH and I sent many birth announcements out after DD's arrival (many to relatives we didn't really know but were close to MIL) and we certainly didn't expect anything to result from them. (but then again, we didn't have the gall to add a registry card ).

 

[krcit]

I think that is super rude!! Even if your invite was lost in the mail why would she send a follow up

 

[Sagginit]

believe it or not i was invited to a shower and my invite got lost twice, in the same town! it happens. i would send a nice card and agree, the gift is for the child not the mother. i have rude stepfamily but always buy nice gifts for baby showers and the children in general b/c i dont want to punish them for rude family.

it could be something small but thoughtful too, as simple as a personalized frame or something. with showers people tend to stuff all cards/invites with registry info i wouldnt take it personally.

 

[fakereadhed]

I guess I might be overreacting a little, but it is based on some past experiences with her and her family. Her mother showed up and announced that it was her birthday. I gave her a hug and said happy birthday. She asked what I got her. I said I didn't know it was your birthday and she said I could write her a check. I realize that's her mother not her but there is an entitlement theme going on with them. Every gift we got her as a child was met with "this isn't something I wanted" and never a thank you. But I guess you both have good points. I can send her a congratulations card and at least with the registry it saves her from telling me it's not what she wanted.

 

[wed100105]

I find it rude as well. Then again, I find a lot of that stuff rude. My SIL sent an email out recently that said something to the effect of since people had asked...this is what the kids would like (what I would like you to buy for my kids.) She doesn't speak to me. She doesn't send birthday gifts for my daughter. This is the only email I have received in about six months (since she sent out Christmas requests). I bought for her kids the past few years and don't get any thank you or email that the kids received the gifts. This year their getting cards.....anyway, not to hijack....but I think it is incredibly rude of this person to send you a second card with the shower registry information. I agree with the PP who said that they'd send a card with congratulations and note that you didn't receive a shower invite.

By the way, if she really was interested in your presence at the shower, don't you think a phone call would have been more appropriate? Perhaps you're not really close.

 

[dd50]

I find that rude. If you didn't get a card then how does she know that you aren't coming because you didn't RSVP.

Like others mentioned I would just send a card.

 

[sunshinesahmom]

Don't people like this make you want to scream!

I've dealt w/ some like this too!
I think it was rude, but you have the chance to show some class!
I would send a lovely card, in which I would say that I was happy for her soon-to-be-here baby & wish her well. Really no need to mention the shower invite. She probably never sent it, & won't "get it" as to how rude she is!
Being a "southern girl" I have a problem w/ rude people!!!
But try to show a little "Southern Grace"!

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I find it rude, BUT... I would still pick up some very practical items for the baby and send them. I would go with bibs, spit-up rags, diaper creme, stuff like that. It never hurts to be the better person. Sorry they were that way, and I know my feelings would have been hurt also.

 

[TinkerbelleAbbysMom]

I think people are just b/c more bold these days. I just got an invite to a wedding with an enclosed card asking to refrain from using any perfumes, hairsprays or body washes due to the brides' asthma. My mom made a bigger deal about it but it is kinda odd. I know this is more a matter of health and it is her day.. but still kinda odd!
Anyway, I would say maybe "placenta brain" had gotten the best of her and she forgot to send the invite. But then with the other story you shared, this may just be her... Bless her heart! I think a congratulatory card is the way to go. If you want to get something little like a pp suggested that would work to. My fav gifts to give to a mom to be are tylenol and mylicon (generic) and a book. But that's probably the nurse in me!

 

[Leajess99]

I agree that is rude. I would send a congratulations card and leave it at that.

 

[disykat]

I think that is super rude!! Even if your invite was lost in the mail why would she send a follow up

I agree. I can't think of any reason to send this UNLESS she received a note from you saying you were unable to attend, and specifically asking where she is registered and her due date. I'm guessing this is a very rude person who didn't get many gifts and is resorting to begging.

I think people are just b/c more bold these days. I just got an invite to a wedding with an enclosed card asking to refrain from using any perfumes, hairsprays or body washes due to the brides' asthma. My mom made a bigger deal about it but it is kinda odd. I know this is more a matter of health and it is her day.. but still kinda odd!
Anyway, I would say maybe "placenta brain" had gotten the best of her and she forgot to send the invite. But then with the other story you shared, this may just be her... Bless her heart! I think a congratulatory card is the way to go. If you want to get something little like a pp suggested that would work to. My fav gifts to give to a mom to be are tylenol and mylicon (generic) and a book. But that's probably the nurse in me!

I think the asthma warning is 100% okay. Why would anyone be offended that a bride wants to be able to attend her own wedding? Can you imagine -"sorry, the bride had to leave due to her perfume allergies/asthma." I say it's odd - but good for her! What's sad is that she had to resort to that. If people would be smart enough to know they should only wear enough fragrance to smell good up close and personal... Can you tell I have fragrance allergies?

 

[Luv Bunnies]

My mother-in-law was upset because I didn't invite my sister-in-law (husband's brother's wife) to my baby shower. I said because she lives 3 states away, there's no way she would be able to come and I didn't want her to think I was soliciting a gift. I, of course, had my them on the announcement list and figured they'd send a gift when the baby came which they did. I just think shower invitations should be for people who live close enough to actually attend the event. If they really want to send the baby a gift, they'll do so after the baby is born.

 

[TinkerbelleAbbysMom]

I agree that it was okay, just seemed odd. But like you said, if people were more respectful in their use of perfumes, it wouldn't be an issue. I get the allergy thing totally as I have bad allergies too. The bride did do this in a tactful way which seems less than what can be said of the OPs instance.

 

[fakereadhed]

There was no invitation. She assumed that I couldn't attend because I lived in another state. That's why I felt it was a gift request. If she had sent a shower invite, I could have declined and then would have sent a gift. I am thinking I will send diapers for the baby.

I find the perfume request very odd unless she is planning to live in a bubble, but I guess if it is a health risk it's ok to ask.

 

[QVCshopper]

I'm a little different. I would ignore the shower invite and send something when the baby gets here. Diapers ordered online sound good to me; that's what I always get new moms. I think you can even buy Huggies gift checks from their site? (And I don't think there ever was an invitation, either...)

 

[lila]

Not handled well, for sure.

That said, I would absolutely send a baby gift when the baby arrives.

 

[kaytieeldr]

There was no invitation. She assumed that I couldn't attend because I lived in another state. That's why I felt it was a gift request. If she had sent a shower invite, I could have declined and then would have sent a gift. I am thinking I will send diapers for the baby.

I find the perfume request very odd unless she is planning to live in a bubble, but I guess if it is a health risk it's ok to ask.

You, too, are more kind than I. Gift "request"? No. Gift demand? Yeah, more likely .

As for the "no fragrance" wedding, that makes perfect sense. No, the bride-to-be isn't planning to live in a bubble. She lives in the real world - but this is one VERY special day in her life that she'd like to enjoy without risking an asthma attack. Every other day of her life, in the real world, SHE adapts. Her wedding day only, she's asking her guests to adapt.