Should you consider the extravagance of the wedding when purchasing a gift?

[tinatark]

Wow - $150 for a gift? More?

I'm spending about $100 a gift for DH's close friend's (who is also his cousin) shower gift. AND feeling a little uncomfortable about that. Not that we can't afford it, but how it would "look" to others.


Glad I don't live where some of ya'll do!

 

[Bethshaya]

DCat, in my culture (Italian), the Maid of Honor traditionally buys the bride her penior set ( you know that lacy nighty for the wedding night). Those usually go for about $50-100. Sometimes the wedding party all chips in on it or a few items for the "honeymoon" (wink wink).

The Maid of honor is also responsible for throwing or hosting the shower. It is also acceptable for the entire wedding party to do this as a group.

I have been to a few showers where the girls gave a pretty nighty and then several "gag" gifts.

One I thought was fun was seven boxes wrapped up all pretty. Each box was marked Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc. Each box had a pretty nighty/bra/or panty set. Each box she opened everyone went Ooo and Ahh. When she got to the Sunday box, she opened it and it was a huge ole pair of 6X panties in the ugliest grandma pattern they could find. We all laughed.

But in response, I dont think $50 is cheap. Either give money or purchase something nice for her. Most people do not look at money value of things. They look at meanings being gifts or the thought of giving.

$1,000 from someone rich doesnt mean as much to me as something of lesser value picked out just for me. I would rather have a hand quilted wedding ring throw from Aunt Jane that didnt cost much other than her time patience and love, then to have a million bucks. Money goes, but keepsakes are passed from generations.

 

[helenabear]

I give what I can afford and how close they are to me. The last wedding I went to, I spent about $150 total (two of us going... and that's not including all the money I spent elsewhere on her wedding). My sister's was about the same as well, if I remember correctly. Most others will get about $75-100 from me. The one exception was a friend who's wedding I sang for (as a gift) I admit I didn't spend quite as much on their gift (mostly because they said they didn't want anything in return)

So I give what I can... in college I gave much less than I do now

 

[mickeyfan1]

OK, I still don't get it. To the people who guage their gift on the cost of the meal, why? The wedding costs are more than just the meal, there are flowers, invitations, party favors, there may be addtional charges for the table linens, then there is the DJ or the band or both, etc. No one includes those costs in their "cover the meal" plan. So why would you think you have to cover the cost of your meal? A wedding and reception should be held in order to celebrate the event. It shouldn't be a contest as to who will give the "correct" amount of money. If you get invited to a cake and punch reception do you give a ten dollar or less gift?

Sorry to get OT. I think the bride was extremely rude, as was the one who kept track in her book. I hope never to be invited to a wedding where the "gift" is expected to cost me a minimum amount set by a greedy bride/groom/mother of the bride/etc.

 

[aprilgail2]

Originally posted by mickeyfan1
To the people who guage their gift on the cost of the meal, why? The wedding costs are more than just the meal, there are flowers, invitations, party favors, there may be addtional charges for the table linens, then there is the DJ or the band or both, etc. No one includes those costs in their "cover the meal" plan. So why would you think you have to cover the cost of your meal? A wedding and reception should be held in order to celebrate the event. It shouldn't be a contest as to who will give the "correct" amount of money. If you get invited to a cake and punch reception do you give a ten dollar or less gift?

Beats me why....just is the way it has always been done around here....I have to say I have yet to be invited to a cake and punch reception (never heard of that actually) but I would certainly give less than 100 a head to that one...and acutally 100 a head doesn't even cover some of the weddings around here...its not uncommon for a wedding to be $30,000-
$40,000 here. Same thing with Bar Mitzvahs...some of those are just like weddings! I really try to bail out of all these events as is possible...I dont enjoy going to weddings at all.

 

[CEDmom]

Originally posted by rcyannacci
Not to generalize too much, but I can only guess that this bride isn't from the South (sooooo many rules and traditions). Appalling etiquitte! My grandmother, God rest, would have a fit!

I think she must be from Mars because I can tell you here in the north we are raised with better manners as well. My grandmother would also be appalled at such a spectacle.

 

[JerseyJanice]

I think the bride in the OP's question is about as rude as anybody can be. I think the recipient of any gift should be appreciative whether it was $10 or $100.

That said, I do consider the "fanciness" of a wedding when trying to figure out how much to give. (Around here, we give gifts at the shower and money at the wedding.)

I factor in how close we are to the couple and how generous either them or their families were to us when we got married.

I don't know if this is how it SHOULD be done. I'm just saying that I'm not going to give as money to attend a wedding reception in a VFW hall as I am at a fancy catering hall.

And if someone was generous toward me when I was the bride, I try to return that generosity.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

OK, I admit it, I always try to cover the cost of the plate. In Chicago it is not uncommon for weddings to cost over $100 a head. (Children are generally not invited). So every wedding we go to generally has a minimum gift of $250 cash. More if close family/friend.

However, I will have to say the fancy receptions are typically a great way for my husband and I to have a night out - wedding ceremony for friend/family, good food, a great live orchestra for dancing, that we consider it money well spent.

But for a bride to comment on the size of a gift is appalling!

 

[Aimeedyan]

WOW. We were blown away when my grandad gave us $100. His grandparents gave us $20.

Things are so different in different regions, aren't they? I would say it'd be nice to get hitched in the north, but then again, I would never be able to afford their basic reception... cake and punch, or similar, are very common and quite acceptable here.

How can you afford to give someone that much? DO you budget for it way in advance? That's almost half our rent for a month! I can't imagine having that kind of extra money... Even when working FT and such.

 

[stinkerbelle]

Originally posted by chicagodisneyfan
But for a bride to comment on the size of a gift is appalling!

darn tootin'! I REALLY want to know how she worded this. Absolutly disgusting.

People should give whatever they are comfortable giving, and no one should comment about it. It's a GIFT for crying out loud.

If I'm invited to the shower, I spend between $75 and $150 depending on how close I am to the bride. DH and I generally give $100 - $150 at a wedding. ($100 for a appetizer reception/$150 for a plated meal)

 

[ninahbear]

Originally posted by mickeyfan1
To the people who guage their gift on the cost of the meal, why? The wedding costs are more than just the meal, there are flowers, invitations, party favors, there may be addtional charges for the table linens, then there is the DJ or the band or both, etc. No one includes those costs in their "cover the meal" plan. So why would you think you have to cover the cost of your meal? A wedding and reception should be held in order to celebrate the event. It shouldn't be a contest as to who will give the "correct" amount of money. If you get invited to a cake and punch reception do you give a ten dollar or less gift?

I have heard that it is etiquette to give what it cost to entertain you for the day/evening. However, for those people who feel the need to go over the top - it's their own damn fault if people don't give what they "should".

 

[Kimberle]

I actually don't "go" to many weddings. My family is over 1000 miles away and dh's family is very very small. My friends are all married.

The tradition in SE CT (we're just 30 miles from NYC) is to cover your plate. Weddings in this area get very expensive. They average around $50k. I do know people who have tried to do something more casual and less expensive, and you would not believe the "slack" they get from the guests. (Indirect, not to their face.) For example, someone decided not to serve liquor both to keep the cost down and because they did not drink. Guests were actually removing money from the "envelope" (what people around here call their gift) to cover the cost of their own drinks.

Weddings are so difficult to plan. They often involve families/guests from different cultures/traditions. You try and make one side happy then the other gets "snooty" or finds you "cheap". Instead of "celebrating" the joy with the couple, people critize them.

Personally, I could care less what "type" of wedding a couple has. I find the typical "East cost fancy" weddings get boring and all look the same. If someone invited me to a backyard BBQ wedding, I think that was just great!

 

[my3kids]

Gosh, I'm way out of the loop. I had no idea one's gift was like buying a concert ticket...you get the seat if you pay for it. When I got married, we had the kind of wedding we wanted without regard to what we'd get in return for it. If they wanted to have a fundraiser, then call it that. Guests shouldn't be solicited for money unless they know in advance that is what the invitation was for.

Appalling.

 

[jrydberg]

I'd say the wedding has bigger problems than gifts if the bride is checking to see if a gift "covers" the cost.

 

[Maleficent13]

I think I've read through all the replies here, and I don't think anyone else asked this, but I'm dying to know what Dr. Laura's response to the woman was.

 

[Winka]

Originally posted by stinkerbelle
I REALLY want to know how she worded this. Absolutly disgusting.

YES! Where is the original poster? Please post this "Thank You" note(such as it was)...inquiring minds want to know!

I have to admit though that I do consider my travel costs in the size of the gift. If they're gently persistent I be there even though I have to fly thousands of miles...the gift will probably reflect how much my poor wallet has been stretched .

 

[JohnsPrincess]

I'm kind of...well...I'm not sure What I am. In reading about those to try to "cover" their plate cost... Wouldn't the people who have a smaller plate cost (not being able to afford the more expensive ones in most cases) NEED the money more than someone who can afford a 100$ a head reception?? I can't see giving a "poor" person 20$ (or whatever) and a "rich" person 100$.

Personally I give what I can at the time. I went to a wedding a few years ago and bought a few things off the registry. I probably spent about 30-40$ because that's all I could afford. Our friends got married last summer and we held their reception for them (we bought most of the food...seafood and it was at our house) plus we got them some small presents (candles and a frame) and bought a cake for them. One of my close friends is getting married this October. I have a feeling her wedding will be a little extravagant. I'm making her a cross-stitch picture and getting it framed (that'll probably be about 50$ in all) and I'll probably buy her something small off her registry.

 

[snoopy]

Originally posted by bsnyder
Judi, is this "Mauve" you're talking about? Or another SIL? I get them mixed up!

Nope, different SIL, same level of craziness tho.

 

[auntpolly]

Originally posted by ninahbear
Originally posted by mickeyfan1
To the people who guage their gift on the cost of the meal, why? The wedding costs are more than just the meal, there are flowers, invitations, party favors, there may be addtional charges for the table linens, then there is the DJ or the band or both, etc. No one includes those costs in their "cover the meal" plan. So why would you think you have to cover the cost of your meal?

This is just a rule of thumb -- of course it's not the law or anything. Some people are confused by what to give and this is more of a guidelin than a code (I really can't stop saying that since POC!)

You should give what you can afford, but if you can afford about the cost of your meal and you have no idea what to give, do this. Any bride who would complain about her gift is a........let's just say she's not a nice person!

 

[Robinrs]

I honestly believe that a lot of the callers on Dr. Laura are phony but that's just me...

I RARELY go to weddings but when I do I base it on the relationship only. If the bride chose to have an expensive party that's her choice.