Should we feel slighted?

[Lisa loves Pooh]

DH asked me to post this as he is curious as to what ordinary consensus would be.

It is possible that his sister is coming into town--but only to visit the brother. (Yet another facebook confession/discovery .)

We knew nothing of this. The brother and his wife and their baby have been out of town for the week with her parents for Christmas. I had invited them over the weekend before, but they were busy and declined. Hubby is only home this week and going back up to VA on Sunday.

Noone has mentioned anything to us and brother is not due back unitl Wednesday. They are 15 minutes away which is a hop, skip, and a jump around here.

DH--who ordinarily is not bothered by such silliness, is bothered by this.

I'm a bit perplexed myself as we have lived in this area for 12 years and the last time she visited us b/c she wanted to was in 1998. (She was in high school at the time, their age difference is 8 years--in her adult life she has had zero interest in visiting us voluntarily.)

They are not the closest of siblings. But he is bothered by the lack of common courtesy as this is not her first visit to town that we did not know about (but all too often hear about after the fact).

They don't hate each other--I won't even say they don't dislike each other. It just seems rude to be that, obvious--that you just don't care.

Anyway--DH would like to know others thoughts....he's actually a pretty stoic individual with a level head, so when he gets bothered by something--it's not usually unfounded.

 

[JerseyJanice]

If you're available and want to entertain her, you should see her. You don't know what her reasons are for not seeing you whenever she's in town, but life is so short.

 

[CF'er]

My DH is one of 7 kids (4 boys and 3 girls). All of the boys live with in 15 minutes of each other and see/speak many times a week. There is one girl who lives in the same area as the boys, another who lives about an hour away and another who lives in FL (8 hours or so). Usually the FL sister comes up once a year to visit and the whole family gets together to visit and that is the contact till next year. We have since learned that FL sister comes up several times a year to see the other sisters and the brothers are never told.

The boys are hurt but figure that's how she wants to be. We can't make them tell us. Just like we can't make her answer her phone when we call. Nor can we make her call us back. It is what it is. Sad? Yes, but I doubt it will change.

 

[momof1princess]

my brother lives 3 hours away, and if he and his family drove up here and didn't even tell me they were coming, i'd be VERY upset. he and i are not close either, but i still can't imagine him making a trip up here and not telling me. that would really hurt my feelings.

 

[kimmar067]

My DH is one of 7 kids (4 boys and 3 girls). All of the boys live with in 15 minutes of each other and see/speak many times a week. There is one girl who lives in the same area as the boys, another who lives about an hour away and another who lives in FL (8 hours or so). Usually the FL sister comes up once a year to visit and the whole family gets together to visit and that is the contact till next year. We have since learned that FL sister comes up several times a year to see the other sisters and the brothers are never told.

The boys are hurt but figure that's how she wants to be. We can't make them tell us. Just like we can't make her answer her phone when we call. Nor can we make her call us back. It is what it is. Sad? Yes, but I doubt it will change.

....wow, we are in a similar situation....my DH is one of 8 (5 brothers, 3 sisters) and all siblings live within 10-15 minutes of each other, with the exception of one sister, who moved out-of-state (about a 9-hr trip by car). My DH's sister comes back to the area several times and most of the time he doesn't even know that she is here. She didn't even visit for the Christmas holidays, although she WAS here for Thanksgiving. However, she didn't even spend THAT day with immediate family, like HER OWN MOTHER, but 40 minutes away, at HER COUSIN'S HOUSE....whatever! Like you said, some things will never change...

 

[CF'er]

It might be easier to take if they at least talked to each other but like I say when we call they never answer (FL sister) and she won't call us because it's long distance and too expensive. YET she can drive up here and not see/call us once here.

 

[luvmy3]

We live a couple hours away from a couple of dh's siblings and we do come up and only visit one family sometimes. Its a little different because we are up often and get together with all of them during the same visit. Sometimes we make plans with one and we truly don't have time to visit the other. However if I didn't come up often I would at least let the other sibling knowwe were in the area and try to get together with them, I couldn't imagine just blowing them off and keeping it a secret that we were coming

 

[jjarman]

I would be upset. Something like this happened to me. I have 2 brothers. One lives in the same subdivision as I and his wife and I work together. My older brother lives an hour and a half away. The three of us vacation each year at the beach for a week with our families so we are pretty close. I talk to one or the other of them several times a week. My older brother's wife has been acting stand offish for the past few years. Don't know why. 2 years ago she invited brother and his family (the ones who live by me) to their house the weekend after Thanksgiving for the day to eat and visit). I didn't let it bother me at the time. Well this year they did the same thing. It really hurt my feelings. When my SIL mentioned to me they were going up there to visit my brother I asked when. She told me and said why don't you come too. I made some lame excuse but she could tell it hurt my feelings I was not invited. They must have talked about it cause I got text messages from everyone saying we all needed to get together. I don't know if I am going to go next year with them or not. It really did hurt my feelings so I know how you are feeling.

 

[barkley]

i think allot can depend on what the history of the relationships are.

i have a brother who is 7 years older than me and we never had a close relationship growing up. the age difference did'nt make for a close companionship as kids, and by the time i became a young teen he was married and off living an adult life.

we honestly did'nt become close until the last 5 years (in my 40's). prior to that while we'de see each other at family gatherings, visits between the 2 of us did'nt make sense-everything we would have 'chatted' about would have been wrapped up in 10 minutes time.

we did always return each other's very sporadic calls though.


now dh has an older sib (close to 20 years) that while we don't have anything 'against' we just choose not to socialy interact with except at those family events when we are both present. there's no real relationship between he and dh, and i suspect when dh's mom passes that may be the last interaction we have with him. it's just the way it is-they share no common 'ground' (he's actualy a half sib who was already out of the home when their shared father re-married). in the past year we traveled to see family in the state he lives and were actualy in very close proximity to his home-we made no attempt to contact. it was'nt a slight, it's just that-if we did'nt visit or phone when we lived in close proximity to each other (which we did for years), our now traveling to where he lives does'nt change that.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Ouch! Looks like we aren't the only ones.

I figure there are reasons--but honestly, I'm about over it. I do think it is done deliberately b/c she just doesn't care for our company. That's fine. I just don't get the "hush" mentality b/c it is really, really rude.

DH said he takes comfort in knowing that it doesn't just happen to us.

 

[Pakey]

I would definitely feel slighted. In fact, I'm still feeling slighted to find out that I'm on the D list in my family. One of my brothers had a gathering in mid-November and invited all other siblings, my parents, aunts, nieces/nephews, etc. We all live in the same town but my husband and I and our 3 grown sons were the only ones not included. Granted, this particular brother and I are not the best of friends but we've always been civil to one another. So to have a huge family gathering that includes all extended family but exclude one is rather odd.

My youngest son is getting married in 10 months and I'm wondering whether to include all of these A listers on my D guest list.

 

[merryweather20]

Ouch! Looks like we aren't the only ones.

I figure there are reasons--but honestly, I'm about over it. I do think it is done deliberately b/c she just doesn't care for our company. That's fine. I just don't get the "hush" mentality b/c it is really, really rude.

DH said he takes comfort in knowing that it doesn't just happen to us.

How much does your husband call during the year? e-mail? send a card on her birthday? anything?

I think its more likely that the age gap meant he didn't bother with her when they both lived at home, and the other brother has made some mild effort over the years. You also said the magic word "baby" in your original post.

Doesn't sound like there is anything "hush, hush" about it. They are closer with the other family, who also have a baby to visit so they made plans, period.

 

[barkley]

I would definitely feel slighted. In fact, I'm still feeling slighted to find out that I'm on the D list in my family. One of my brothers had a gathering in mid-November and invited all other siblings, my parents, aunts, nieces/nephews, etc. We all live in the same town but my husband and I and our 3 grown sons were the only ones not included. Granted, this particular brother and I are not the best of friends but we've always been civil to one another. So to have a huge family gathering that includes all extended family but exclude one is rather odd.

My youngest son is getting married in 10 months and I'm wondering whether to include all of these A listers on my D guest list.

that just seems odd if you're close to the other family members (unless they did'nt realize you were excluded on purpose, just assumed an invite was extended to you).

as for the wedding-despite the lack of closeness between at least one of dh's sibs and us we don't consider (nor do we believe they consider us) 'd' or any other listers BUT that said, dh and i find it rather tacky that while we go years absent contact (family gatherings on that side ended due to distance years ago) they never hesitate to send us announcements and invitations for what few could argue are not events associated with gift receipt. yes, we go years with no contact only to recive the highschool grad announcements, the college grad announcement, the engagement announcement, the engagement/wedding shower invite (never invited to one when we lived in close proximity), and the wedding invite. i presume in the years to come it will be birth announcements for their grandkids.

i know in some families it considered a slight if someone does'nt invite EVERY relative to a wedding but that's not the case here, so we feel it's more of a slight to ONLY receive these invites and announcements.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I am in your husband's general position, or shoes if you will.

I am the (much) older sibling, and my other siblings (three of them) often visit one another without visiting me. One sibling lives about 10 minutes from me, the other two about 1400 miles. When they "come down" to visit the other sibling, they rarely (one never has) come here.

Tell your husband that over time it really does stop hurting and really no longer matters. It is their choice, eh?

This is my life. I'll live it, thanks. If you care to share it, that's fine, but if you don't, that's fine too. I no longer have any expectations so things go along very smoothly!

Hope he can find some peace of mind, some way to resolve this for himself. I know it's hard on you too. No one likes to see their spouse hurt.

Take care now and have a great New Year!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Doesn't sound like there is anything "hush, hush" about it. They are closer with the other family, who also have a baby to visit so they made plans, period.

Magic word of "baby"--how do you mean? She has other nieces and nephews and has since 2000. She's only gaga for this one.

This child is now 14 months old and she sees her often.


Yes we do otherwise communicate.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

i know in some families it considered a slight if someone does'nt invite EVERY relative to a wedding but that's not the case here, so we feel it's more of a slight to ONLY receive these invites and announcements.

We still get Christmas lists from the sister in question. Even though the gift exchange between grownups was cancelled this year.

 

[merryweather20]

Magic word of "baby"--how do you mean? She has other nieces and nephews and has since 2000. She's only gaga for this one.

This child is now 14 months old and she sees her often.


Yes we do otherwise communicate.

"Other neices and nephews" how many are brand new, like this one. More importantly does your husband bother at all with her during the year.

 

[polyfan]

We live in Vriginia and my husbands family including his brother and sisters live about 7 hours away. One of his sisters and her husband and son came to Virginia on vacation and actually drove past the exit for our house- (we live 1.5miles off the exit) and did not bother to stop or tell us they were staying at the beach near us. We found out accidentally from someone else that they had been here.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

"Other neices and nephews" how many are brand new, like this one. More importantly does your husband bother at all with her during the year.

Not really sure what you are getting at with the "brand new"--she isn't the "brand new" one. (FTR, the "brand new one" is not in my family--but they are an 8 hour drive away and she saw her as the rest of us did at Thanksgiving. Coming within 15 minutes? Is a bit odd.)

Yes--he "bothers at all with her" during the year. She isn't ignored in the least if that is what you are wondering.

 

[jaminmd]

My sister drives from NJ to VA every 6 weeks to see her son, DIL & grandkids. She drives right by my house and never stops or calls. I never let it bother me. I figure she wants to see her grandkids & that is all that matters to her.

I have 7 siblings and really am only close to one of them. She's like my BFF. My other siblings I only see maybe once or twice a year. I know my friends better than I know my siblings. My oldest sister is old enough to be my mother, which is the way she's always treated me. I love them but I'm just not close to them that way. Distance has made us grow more distant as well, as they live 3 hours away & are busy with their own lives.

Tell your DH he isn't alone & not to try and guess why she does what she does.