Should we begin a family?

[CJK]

How's that for a big question! Obviously no one can tell us what is right for us, but I wanted to ask people what their feelings were on the subject (who don't know me so won't have a bias opinion).

A little background:
Dh and I have been married for 4yrs and are getting very close to 30. Dh says that he probably wants kids (though maybe not quite yet). I'm leaning towards not wanting them. Don't get me wrong. I love playing with children as many of my family/friends have kids. I just also love going back to our quiet house! I worry and fret about the subject all of the time. Sometimes I just don't feel "equipped" to be a mother. When I hear friends tell me about their kids and the wonderful things that go along with parenthood, I find myself thinking, "that's great......for OTHER people". I find 3:00am the worst for lying there and thinking about children. To be blunt, it scares me to death. Yet, I'm the perfect biological age for children (which many of my family throw in my face.......but I digress.....). I know that's not a good reason to have children but I am wondering if I'll ever be ready?

Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom to share? I feel overwhelmed (which is probably a definite sign I'm not ready yet), but I just can't stop thinking about it??? Thanks for your replies.

 

[Sonya]

We are going through the same thing, when I truned 30 I was like you, thought I should start b/f I got too old. Now I'm 31 and have been thinking about it for over a year and now we feel we may be ready. MAYBE. It's very hard, we are set in our ways, but the more we think about it the more we have decided that we are probably going to have to close our eyes and jump in. If you think about it too much you get scared. However we are a little different. We have always wanted kids, just never now, always later. We think we are running out of the "laters".

 

[2disneywego]

Obviously no one can tell us what is right for us

That is the one truth, all the rest will just be opinions. Only you and DH can decide this. I love children but don't want (and as it turns out, can't) any of our own. DH & I talked about it extensively and we're happy with our decision.
No advice, but plenty of good luck in making this decision, it's certainly not an easy one, or one to be taken lightly.

 

[Muppet]

Very difficult.

I have been with DH 10 years and I'm only 27 now. I'm at the moment not intrested in having children. And if I was I'd only have the one. DH is to be brutally honest not bothered. But if we do he says he would want to waut another 5 years. My mum is so cool as she says if I don't have any thats fine as she has a lot of nephews and nieces and if I do shel'll look after it while I'm at work. I think that is my problem I work hard well to be true damn hard and I like to play hard too.

We'll have to see what the future brings. I'd much prefer to adopt though. I have stronger feelings to do that than to give birth.

 

[SuiteDisney]

When it's the right time for you to start a family you won't need to ask. Kids aren't right for everyone. You still have a family, no better or worse than a family with kids. When you're ready to have kids you'll know it. (((hugs)))

 

[goofygirl]

I am childfree by choice. I am 33. People still tell me "you've got time" even at this age!

Its not something I worry about. After all, people have children in their 40's now, and there's also adoption, should I change my mind (which I doubt I will). Children are just not for me, my life is busy with other interests, and I dont want to change my life because I am happy with it as it is.

Only you and your DH know for sure if its "time" yet. And if the time never comes, its ok too. Dont let society or outside pressures influenece you.

Go with your gut feelings and desires. If you gut says "not now", then go with it.

 

[Lars624]

CJK-{{hugs}} I'm sending you a hug and I hope that you'll be able to make the right decision for yourself & your DH. Take your time & be sure of what you want and don't let anyone else pressure you.

 

[jfulcer]

Well, that's normal. Even after our first daughter was born, we were deathly afraid of 'doing the wrong thing' or forgetting something, or any number of 1000 different scary questions.

It's normal because it's a big responsibility. I sorta look at it as my chance to contribute to the world a happy, healthy human being that may one day be president, or a scientist, or even just another great mom (we only have girls... ). But we knew in our hearts that it was the right time, and we were just as scared as you were.

I agree with the other posters that you will know when the time is right. I have a suspicion in my mind that you want to, but yet there's that voice in the back of your mind saying "Yeah, you can have a kid but you'll screw it up or something". My wife has that same voice.

You could always just leave it up to God, and 'practice' until you catch. Beware, you may be fertile myrtle like my DW and end up preggers right away(which isn't really a bad thing either).

 

[LuvTigger]

I don't necessarily have any advice for you, but I can relate to what you're going thru. I agree that you'll know when, and IF, the time is right, just do what's right for you and DH, not what everyone is telling you is the right thing to do.

Personally, I know quite a few childless couples who are happy with their lives and never felt like they had to have one. I know too many people who had kids because it was the "thing to do" or they were worried about it "being too late" or because they wanted their parents to be able to still enjoy their grandchildren, etc.

 

[jsmith]

No one can tell you what's right or wrong for you-and 30 is not so old-you have lots of time
I will tell you this however-my boys are 17 and 13 and I am still deathly afraid of doing the wrong thing but when I look at them I know that without question they are the best thing I will ever do in my life.
And if you are lieing awake at 300 am thinking about children-then you are not indifferent to the idea.

 

[CJK]

I can't thank you all enough for your responses. My dh came home and I got him to read this board and he was very impressed. We have lots to consider. Thanks from my heart.

 

[Mercy]

My DH and I were married 4 years when I got pregnant the first time (this was a planned pregnancy). I was 30 when I delivered him, then almost 3 years later we had another son.

So my story sounds similar to your situation. What I will say is that, first you will never feel "equipped" to be a mom... until you are. I will also say that if I had my life to live over, I would have started a family sooner. I will also say that kids are great, they add so much to your life, you will feel a love for your children that you will not experience any other way.

Now I understand that having children, or not, is a totally personal choice and I respect that. But just wanted to put my 2 cents in

 

[KimR]

Quite honestly, I tend to think that anyone who doesn't have doubts or isn't a bit apprehensive about starting a family probably has unrealistic expectations. I know I was scared to death...our lives were 'perfect' and I was hesitant to do anything to upset that, but we took the plunge and the 10 years since have by far been the happiest of my life. But again, everyone is different....you have to decide what's right for you.

When we decided to start a family, I was nervous, had doubts and reservations, yet at the same time, there was a definite 'shift' in my attitude and outlook. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but for years I just knew I didn't want kids, the lifestyle didn't appeal to me, I valued my freedom, the extra money, free time, etc. Then, slowly, those things seemed to matter less and I could begin to envision life with a baby. My doubts then were a bit different...more along the lines of would I be a good mom, how would this change my relationship with DH, how would I manage juggling a career with brining up a child, etc. But I was ready to make the lifestyle changes that come with being a parent. At the time I called them 'sacrifices'....LOL...Funny, I don't feel I've sacrificed a thing.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I will echo what others have said though....don't feel pressured by friends, family, society, or age (30 is still young....most of my friends didn't start their families until well into their 30's). Raising a child can be one of the most fullfilling experiences of your life, but it's also a lot of hard work, very time consuming and qutie expensive!!! Nothing worth having comes easy.

Kim

 

[Pumbaa_]

What a tough question. There are lots of pluses and minuses to both. My husband and I are parents to three wonderful adopted children. Tori, George, and Suzie. They are wonderful. They are also the names of our 2 dogs and our cat.

We have been married for 19 years and are childless by choice and circumstance. First by choice, and then confirmed by a hysterectomy. (medical, not for birth control)

We do not regret our decision and have not. We went through a similar time where we discussed at length what we wanted and how we wanted to live.

After years of discussion, we both agreed it was not for us. I adore my friends children, and I positively dote on my niece, but that is plenty for me. I enjoy the lifestyle we have, the freedom and the peace. I like having my time and not having every waking hour revolving around someone else's schedule. Selfish? Probably. But it works for us and we are happy with the 'kids' we have.

Good luck on your decision. Either way has its pros and cons.