Should we be mad???

[LBIJim]

OP, you asked for opinions. Here are mine.

Sorry about the loss of your child. IMO, however you're expecting too much for relatives to acknowledge the anniversary of his or her death. To be blunt, they most likely don't remember the exact date. Doesn't mean they don't care; it just isn't as important to them as it is to you. Try to get over the hurt and let it go, because it appears that they won't acknowledge it in future years either.

As for the "problem" relatives regarding gift giving: NO, do NOT confront them. Just stop sending them gifts. And you don't owe them an explanation either. I doubt they'd be offended; they may actually be relieved.

You're only causing yourself hurt, pain, and stress. Why put yourself through this? Try to let it go. It may be difficult, but in time you might feel better. Hope so.

Jim

 

[dfchelbay]

OP here. Thanks for the advise everyone. I did forget to mention in my original post that SILs, nieces, cousins, etc. did know of the anniversary date. They all posted about it on each of their Facebook pages that they lost a nephew, a cousin, a family member, etc. on that date. They made it all about them, as DH put it. Some of these family members barely knew him, maybe saw him a half a dozen times over the course of his entire life...some not even that much. DH said today he's pretty much done with them (not his parents though). DH has learned an important thing with this, this year. DH was most upset with one of his sisters, and has spoken to her recently about this. They've always had a relationship and talk. He asked her straight out why she was posting about it on Facebook and didn't even call him. She said she had no excuse for that, she said she was wrong and apologized. I see a definite change in DH attitude toward some of his family members. Ah, family...gems aren't they.

As for the gifts, you all might want to take a seat for this one. MIL called this afternoon to say that they (she and other family members) had been talking and the other family members suggested that everyone draw a name this year instead of buying gifts for everyone. DH's exact words to her were (excuse language), are you f**ing kidding me mom. They've NEVER even given a gift, nor have they ever said thank you for the ones they receive. DH never swear to his mom like that. He said his mom said to him (after a moment of thinking), honey you're absolutely right. They do act that way. So, we will send gifts to inlaws...that's it, and inlaws are way cool with that.

Thanks again for all the advise, hugs, word of encouragement and your heartfelt sorrows. Dis members are good people. Thanks for letting me vent my frustrations too. Maybe one day they'll find a cure for cancer and it will be a distant memory, or perhaps never heard of by the younger generation. That would be a dream come true.

Thanks again Disboard friends.

 

[myasma]

I am truly sorry for your loss. I have a daughter who is fighting cancer right now with every inch of her life. My family refuses to even acknowledge she is sick so I can understand your frustration and anger. I cant tell you how to feel or that it will get better. Your family should know better. I do hope that your in laws will start to see your point of view.

 

[bumbershoot]

OP here. Thanks for the advise everyone. I did forget to mention in my original post that SILs, nieces, cousins, etc. did know of the anniversary date. They all posted about it on each of their Facebook pages that they lost a nephew, a cousin, a family member, etc. on that date. They made it all about them, as DH put it.

FWIW, most people don't like bringing up people directly to the most affected. Just a few months after my mom died, no one wanted to talk about it. And they *knew* how messed up I was by it (she was only 55, and it was a medical stupidity that caused it), they *knew* I was mourning heavily for about 2 years, and even 10 years out I will still burst into tears at the most random thought or smell or whatever. They knew what I was going through, but still "didn't want to make you sad"...it just never got through to them that they weren't *making* me sad. I was *already* sad. What they would do by mentioning her would be to make me happy-sad. By ignoring it, they made me sad-sad.

It's universal, and I would say it's even stronger when it's a child that has died. So even if they are the strangest people on the planet, their only mentioning it on their pages is *normal*. And it could very well be, since they know you look there, their way of reaching out to you on that day.




As for calling family from the first post...did you call them? They probably just got used to you calling, and waited.

I come from a family where calls just aren't normally done, and if the person that normally calls doesn't, people figure they had something else to do that day and move on.

Combining the two....for a few years, I called my family members on my mom's b'day and deathday. But after those few years, even I started worrying that I was "making them sad". My aunt and I were the people who mourned, outwardly at least, by far the most...my stepdad got remarried inside of 3 years (which is when I stopped contacting him about my mom), my brother is mostly emotionless, etc. So if even I can fall victim to that thought...those who do NOT normally do the calling, and who don't know to write thank you notes, are *especially* going to not call.

 

[puffkin]

It's universal, and I would say it's even stronger when it's a child that has died. So even if they are the strangest people on the planet, their only mentioning it on their pages is *normal*. And it could very well be, since they know you look there, their way of reaching out to you on that day.

Unfortunately I would have to agree. I think you have to come to terms with them not reaching out on the anniversary. It is extremely common. My brother died at age 17 in a car accident and NO ONE contacts my parents on that day about it. I am ashamed to say that even I try to avoid them on that day. It is very hard for all of us to relive that day and I selfishly don't want to see my parents upset again. My dad prefers it this way and my mom has come to accept it. It has been 8 years now but the first few years were very hard on them until they changed their expectations. Many more people do acknowledge his birthday though and my parents do take comfort in that. It will be interesting this year because his birthday falls on Easter. Hopefully my parents will accept that people will be caught up in the holiday and forget so that a big confrontation doesn't happen at Easter dinner. I can just see it now