Should we be mad???

[dfchelbay]

Hey everyone, just wanted to run this past you all for your opinion/suggestion.

Thanksgiving came and went and no one in DH family called him. We always call them every year. This year he didn't, and they never called. Every Christmas, we send a package to in laws house (out of state). We buy presents for inlaws, DH siblings and nieces and nephews. Inlaws always send us a care package too. But, one sibling and all her kids (all adults) NEVER say thank you. Don't call, no thank you card...nothing. Normally, I'd just say screw them and not get them anything...but since they ALWAYS spend Christmas at DH parents house, what are we to do? Send gifts to inlaws and not anyone else. Do we look petty then?

The icing on the cake this year is, a couple days ago, NO ONE in DH family called DH to acknowledge the anniversary date of the death of one of our children. No call from grandparents, aunts, cousins...nothing. It's only been a couple years, and they didn't even acknowledge it.

How should this be handled? Should we not send anything for Christmas? She they be confronted?

What do you all think?

 

[The Hendies]

Sounds like the hurt goes deeper than just not contacting you. Maybe this you consider making a donation in their name to a worthy cause in lieu of gifts? Family!! What can you do!

 

[cam&phoebsmom]

I am sure you and your DH are hurt, especially after not hearing from anyone on the anniversary of your child's passing.

What would I do? I would hand the reins back over to my DH and he would decide if he wanted to send gifts to his siblings and nieces and nephews-and if he did he would be the ones to buy them, wrpa them, and mail them. I would suggest a family board game and call it a day if you feel you need to get something.

Do the siblings send you a gift?
how does your DH feel about it?

 

[Jenn4615]

I have a sibling like this! My final straw was when they ignored the birth of my son. If I had ignored the births of their children... the u know what would hit the ceiling. They also never thanked for gifts, and half the time didnt bother to send anything. They also have NEVER known how to pick up a phone for anything. I finally HAD it when my son was born. I came right out and told my mom... I was done. I wasnt playing this "game" with them anymore. My son is 18 months old they still havent acknowledged him! Anyway, I dont think ur being petty but you need to do what feels right for you! I put up with ALOT for along time...and my son was the final straw!
I'm so very sorry about your little one. I am sure it never gets easier...no matter how long its been. Thats your child!

 

[dogodisney]

I am sorry for your loss. I would let it slide that no one contacted you about it. It is hard to know what to say to someone who has suffered a loss. It is also hard to bring it up. They may feel that if they said something that you might get upset. It's sometimes easier not to do or say something in this situation than to take a chance of saying the wrong things and hurting someone.

I don't see anything wrong with just sending your DH's parents gifts. If the others have a problem then it's too bad for them. There's no sense in sending gifts if your hearts not in it and you really don't want to do it.

JMO

 

[Kat77]

Hey everyone, just wanted to run this past you all for your opinion/suggestion.

Thanksgiving came and went and no one in DH family called him. We always call them every year. This year he didn't, and they never called. Every Christmas, we send a package to in laws house (out of state). We buy presents for inlaws, DH siblings and nieces and nephews. Inlaws always send us a care package too. But, one sibling and all her kids (all adults) NEVER say thank you. Don't call, no thank you card...nothing. Normally, I'd just say screw them and not get them anything...but since they ALWAYS spend Christmas at DH parents house, what are we to do? Send gifts to inlaws and not anyone else. Do we look petty then?

The icing on the cake this year is, a couple days ago, NO ONE in DH family called DH to acknowledge the anniversary date of the death of one of our children. No call from grandparents, aunts, cousins...nothing. It's only been a couple years, and they didn't even acknowledge it.

How should this be handled? Should we not send anything for Christmas? She they be confronted?

What do you all think?

I'm so sorry about the loss of your child. I know this is a very difficult time for you. Please take care of yourself. My aunt lost her son 12 years ago and I no longer call her personally b/c I hate to think she is having to sit by a ringing phone all day (big family!) year after year after year. I DO remind my father to call her on my cousins birthday each year and let her know WE ARE ALL thinking of her family on that day.

If it were me in this situation- I would not bother confronting the other family members. I would just scale back. They would get a nice card with a current family photo and a small family gift (popcorn and $5 movie rental?). No fuss. Some people just can not get it together... adhd runs in families, you know Do not take it personally, it usually isn't.

 

[okeydokey]

I would be very hurt, but I would let DH decide how to handle it. Hugs to you.

 

[mahend0]

First, so sorry to hear about the loss of your child. So difficult.

Unfortunately as far as the phone calls, some people just don't value family as much as others. I have too much family who act the same way - no phone calls unless I make them, no thank yous, etc. It is very hard to do, but I've just accepted that as fact and keep on moving. Even though this sounds terribly unfair, they might have even been disappointed that your DH did not contact them this year.

I do like the idea from the post about scaling back.

 

[disykat]

First, sorry for your loss!

As for the phone calls, my siblings and I wonder sometimes how long we'd have to go without calling our folks for them to call us. My sister and I call each other about equally, but I wait for my brother to call me. His life just isn't that "interruptable" and we have much better conversations when he calls me. We all initiate the calls to our parents. I figure my parents feel the same way about us as I feel about my brother. They are more "interruptable."

As for the presents - If these adults don't send you presents, they probably aren't interested in exchanging presents with you. Don't send them, they'll probably be relieved. Not thanking you was bad manners IMO, but in DH's family they don't thank for gifts either. Some people just don't. (I kind of figure dh's family thinks we're rude for sending thank you notes - kind of a "you don't have to thank family" thing?)

I will also address the anniversary thing. Do they remember other dates - like birthdays, anniversaries, etc.? The ONLY way I remember dates is to write them on my calendar, otherwise they just don't register - even my own birthday sometimes. I'm not sure I would want to write death anniversaries on my calendar, I've never done so yet so hopefully I haven't offended any loved ones by not acknowledging those dates. As hard as that date is for you, please don't think it doesn't mean they didn't love your child and don't love you!

 

[a1tinkfans]

OP: I am so sorry for your loss!

As far as inconsiderate people (sorry, thats what they are) I would refrain from giving anything if it at all bothers you. No one is obligated to send or give a gift, if it makes you frustrated, just stop, end of it, IMHO.

Wishing you a Blessed Holiday Season, again, so very very sorry!!!

 

[melancholywings]

We had a similar situation in where my SIL and nephew never gifted back or ever said thank you. Instead they would complain to us on the phone about what we got them making me feel bad. After a few years of that we cut them off the list and DH explained to his parents the reason why. In your case I would just casually mention to your inlaws that times are tight and your not going to gift to everyone.

 

[Rylee]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I don't really have any advice. In our relationship, for the most part, I usually deal with my family and any issues that come up, and DH deals with his family. Although this works for most situations, it can, and has been a problem at times, as DH is very laid back and easy going... he's a "peace keeper." And while I'm no troublemaker, I prefer to be much more direct, confronting situations rather than sweeping them under the rug. So, if need be, as long as I have my husband's support, I have confronted his family (his sisters) in the past.

I think much depends on how your DH feels, his personality, and his/your expectations, if any.

In the end, you/he will need to do what makes you/him feel better. If it will help to explain how their behavior makes you feel... confront them. If it will only cause more heartache, perhaps it will be better left unsaid.

 

[MiniGirl]

I guess my question would be...... are they doing things like this with other siblings as well? If they are, then personally, I'd let it slide. If they are giving/acknowledging gifts to other siblings and family, then you'd need to decide what to do.

Remember..... not all people are really into the whole gift-giving thing and stuff like that. For example, take my family. I don't think my family has ever sent a Christmas gift or birthday gift to our children, and none of dh's siblings do either -- although my in-laws always do. It is no big deal, though. We don't send any gifts to siblings or nieces and nephews either. Doesn't mean we don't love them. It just so happens that none of us are really into the whole gift-giving thing. We did try it once and I think everyone was relieved when someone suggested that we just give my FIL some money so that a needy family could have a Christmas. (FIL is a pastor and knows lots of needy families.)

Maybe this one sibling is like that and then doesn't acknowledge the gift because they are embarrassed about not giving one in return. I don't know. Just a thought.

People show love in different ways. Both sides of my family know that if they ever need us, we'd be on the next plane out to help them in any way we can. We love visiting with them, but the gift-giving thing is just stressful and not pleasant in any way. BTW, I should also add that none of us really enjoy getting gifts either. I know. We're weird, but we just don't.

I'm sorry for your loss though, and I'm sorry you are feeling like you are in this all alone.

 

[micheleq]

First, I am so sorry for your loss.

As for gifts, I would only send a gift to your MIL & FIL since they reciprocate with you. Who knows why the others don't reciprocate, maybe as other posters have said it's a lack of money, lack of effort? But I think you can stop sending them gifts and not have to justify it.

One of my BILs and his wife (soon to be ex), showed up at my baby shower without a gift. They were the only people in a large extended family that didn't acknowledge the births of out children (not even a card, certainly not a gift) and never send birthday gifts. And they are well to do, there is enough money there for a small token. I always sent cash to their daughters and recently stopped. To me, it's the idea that they couldn't take the time to send a card that hurt the most. I don't care about the gifts, but it hurts that we aren't worth their time to buy a card and put a stamp on it.

Focus in the positives in your life. It's easy to get caught up in the negatives. We can't control what others do/say/feel, but we can control how we react to them.

Hugs to you and your family!!

 

[fortheluvofpooh]

(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) I am sorry for your loss. We had a son who was stillborn. I can tell you this. NO one calls us on the anniversary of his birth/death. NO ONE. Does it upset me, sure, am I mad about it? No. People don't know what to do/say when a baby/child dies.
As far as the gift giving goes, I say cut back. Give them a card and a family movie night package. You can get a $5.00 dvd at walmart, a 2 liter bottle of soda for a $1.50 and a six pack of movie popcorn for $3.00. all at walmart. ( I know this because we just did this for a family member). SO you still give them something but not on a tremendous budget. Maybe they will get the hint.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'd stop giving gifts to those that didn't send me one - not everyone wants to exchange gifts. I send my sister's children birthday and Christmas gifts, and she sends gifts to mine, but we don't exchange with DH's side - it's mutual. I'm so sorry about your loss, but to be honest, there is no way I'd remember the date if it wasn't my child (I have to call my SIL every year around my IL's birthdays to get the dates). It has also never occured to me to call family members on Thanksgiving - and I love each and every one of them very much, including all of my IL's.

 

[roscoepc1]

Is being mad going to help? Is it going to change anything, or is it just going to stress you out?

Why bother? The only person being mad hurt is you.

And I say that honestly...having btdt to a great extent. I had absolutely no one in our families acknowledge the first anniversary of my son's death last year. No one. Online friends did. A couple of nearby friends did. But everyone else was silent. My guess is they thought they would hurt me by bringing it up. It hurt me more having them ignore it.

Of course, one of dh's brothers couldn't even be bothered to come to the funeral, so that side of the family didn't really surprise me.



Stop buying gifts for the ones who don't say thank you. If they comment, act surprised and say you didn't realize they wanted anything, since they don't reciprocate or even acknowledge the past gifts you've given. Then smile brightly and change the subject.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Sounds like my family... They ALL forgot my birthday (again) this year... I talked to my father 10 times before he asked me what we were doing to celebrate (5 days after the fact)

Say to heck with them. Only buy for his parents and blame the recession on the lack of other gifts. Next year, if they don't get you anything this year, don't buy anything else on principle. I would tuck a few dollars in for the kids though, it's not their fault they're parents are jerks. My mom did that with dad's family (my folks would buy for the brothers and sisters but never got anything in return). They finally started buying stuff for my parents after 10 years...

Good luck!

 

[Doc CW]

I have a brother who only calls me when he needs money. My brother never calls for any reason or anything unless its beneficiary to him. Every year he sends out an e-mail stating what he wants for x-mas and the prices and informs us to call one another so that we dont get double gifts and he has to waste his time returning stuff. By the way he is 20 and I am 18. Needless to say I dont get him any gifts for anything or send cards because if its not going to be appreciated why should I spend my money or time on him.

 

[jensen]

The whole time I was reading the OP's post, I was thinking... is this my SIL??? Kathy is that you? JK

My suggestion is to not get too bent out of shape over the whole thing... I'm sure no one means to hurt you, they simply get caught up in their own lives and time slips away from them. I never think to call BILs family on the holidays...

If you don't feel like buying gifts for the whole family, then stop doing it. I honestly wish that DHs family would stop buying gifts for us... we stopped buying gifts for them several years ago, but they still keep sending us gifts.

And I'm very sorry for the loss of your child, but honestly, this is not something people put on their calendar the same way they do a birthday or anniversary... I'm not surprised you didn't get any calls for that.