Should this bother me?

[irish dancer]

This is kind of complicated so I'll try to keep it brief.......

I have three sisters, two older one younger. We'll call oldest sis "S", she has two girls same ages as my DDs 10 & 6. Second older sis "P" is single no kids. Younger sis "J" has 3 kids dd12, ds10, ds2. I also have a ds7 that is PDD-NOS, very high functioning but still a challenge sometimes.

We all live in the same town. We used to be VERY close but due to some family problems S and P and I have not had much of a relationship for the past 3yrs until this past summer. The girls now go back and forth for play dates and sleepovers. P has also had a girls' sleepover inviting all the nieces.

There has been an invite for a fireworks cruise that included everyone but J's ds2 and my ds7. I understood why they weren't invited since nephew at 2 is much younger than the rest (and a serious mama's boy) and my ds7 is not familiar with the aunts and could be a handful. I knew a train ride into the city and a fireworks cruise would probably be too much for ds son so I let the girls go feeling a bit sad ds would miss out but knowing he would rather skip it anyway.

An invite has come out now including all but these two boys again to go to a local farm for apple picking. I figure my options are:

1. let the girls go
2. invite myself along (akward) so ds7 can come
3. decline the invite

I understand they don't think they can handle my son but to be honest he's not that bad. What bothers me is that they don't make any attempt whatsoever to develop any relationship, to the point that they barely acknowledge his existance.

Why do families have to be so crummy?........What would you do?......

 

[Michigan]

I would go and take your son. My excluding your son all the time your sister is sending a messge to your daughters that you son is different and should be left alone.

 

[Forevryoung]

It either bothers you or it doesn't Nobody else is in your shoes.

Two suggestions, either mention it to your sisters that your son feels left out (or you think your son is getting left out) or you organize something for everyone to do together- you have to sort of "show" the best way to handle your son when he becomes a handful or show that he isn't as much of a handlful as they imagine. It might take a few outings together to get everyone used to it but it might be a way to keep the peace.

Why would going along with everyone be akward?

Additionally, I would not decline the invitation without at least stating WHY you are declining (but then you risk the invites stopping).

 

[mazz1]

ive got to say i understand where you are coming from with this and how sad it makes you feel, family can be the worst support when you really need them and all i can say is thank god we can choose our friends

my two children who are also autistic are very often excluded by the people who are supposed to love them the most

i would say quite calmy to your sisters that your son would perhaps enjoy the activity with his sisters too and that it's best you all go as a family

sometimes my sisters exclude my two thinking they are helping me out by not putting me in an uncomfortable or challenging environment with the children, they think that perhaps it's easier for me if they don't invite the children, it's very upsetting and hard going at times and i can understand you being more upset than you're letting on

have a quiet chat and ask them to never make a decision to exclude him (because by doing so it is giving the wrong message to his siblings and cousins) make it clear you are a family and encourage them to include your son and then let him or you make the decision whether it's something he can or would like to do, after all you know him best

life can become very isolated when you have a disabled child so i'm sending you lots of hugs and good wishes as i know deep down how upsetting this is for you

 

[irish dancer]

Why would going along with everyone be akward?

My sisters did not speak to me (silent treatment, excluded from outings, not invited to parties, etc) for nearly 3 years. There was a lot of stuff going on in our family but not enough to warrant their behavior. I was very hurt by their actions and even though I've had my DDs maintain a relationship with their cousins I'm not close with my older sisters anymore. I'm also not the kind of person that would just invite myself along when the invitation wasn't extended.

ive got to say i understand where you are coming from with this and how sad it makes you feel, family can be the worst support when you really need them and all i can say is thank god we can choose our friends

my two children who are also autistic are very often excluded by the people who are supposed to love them the most

i would say quite calmy to your sisters that your son would perhaps enjoy the activity with his sisters too and that it's best you all go as a family

sometimes my sisters exclude my two thinking they are helping me out by not putting me in an uncomfortable or challenging environment with the children, they think that perhaps it's easier for me if they don't invite the children, it's very upsetting and hard going at times and i can understand you being more upset than you're letting on

have a quiet chat and ask them to never make a decision to exclude him (because by doing so it is giving the wrong message to his siblings and cousins) make it clear you are a family and encourage them to include your son and then let him or you make the decision whether it's something he can or would like to do, after all you know him best

life can become very isolated when you have a disabled child so i'm sending you lots of hugs and good wishes as i know deep down how upsetting this is for you

Thanks mazz1 for your cyber hugs, it is indeed difficult to have a special needs child. It just makes me so sad that he's left out, thankfully he is not aware.

 

[pcparamedics01]

It is tough! It is hard enough that our children are excluded from a lot of things including friendships with typical children. It is harder when family members pull this too! I would talk to them!

 

[barkley]

is there any chance that whoever is organizing this is looking at it as an opportunity for your kids as well as the others (as in the ones with the 2 year old sibling) to have some time just for themselves?

i know it sounds kind of odd, but my ds has adhd such that if i were not his parent, and planning an outing with other people's kids, i'de be very reluctant to invite him. i know my dd (his older sister) has not been extended invitations to things she would have loved to have been included in with friends or family because they did'nt understand that we don't feel that both sibs have to be invited to to do everything together (we would'nt expect it if he did'nt have adhd). i've also seen this happen with sibs who have a much younger (toddler age) sib-the person planning the event does'nt want the responsibility of handling a toddler (or simply does'nt want to have to slow down the pace of the day to accommodate the toddler) so they end up not inviting the older kids.

i think you should find out the reasoning behind the exclusion-it could simply be that the plans so far have'nt been appropriate for your ds based on THEIR perceptions (and they are excluding the 2 year old so it MAY be based on their comfort level for responsibility taking additional kids). maybe you could suggest some activities that your son could participate in such that the other adults are relieved of any concerns they may have.

it's a very tough line to walk when you have a child or children with disabilities and a child or children who do not. you don't want the disabled child excluded, but you have to take care not to force inclusion with their sib's activities/invites anymore than you would were the child(ren) not disabled (i struggle with this all the time).

 

[mechurchlady]

I like Barkley's answer. You need to get to the root of why they do not want the 7 and 2 year olds but allow the 6 year old girl to come.

Family, to me, means bringing everyone on the cruise. The cruise lines have great kid activities even for toddlers so nobody should be left alone. A problem I have with disabilities is that I wonder if something about me is causing the problem such as my behavioral quirks, weird speech or what ever or am I paranoid and the problem stems from something else. They might just not want any rambunctious boys at group events. It is best to discuss the matter with the sisters and stand up for your son.

I would hate to lose what little family I have but I rather lose family than allow family to austerize someone I know. Try working with them but in the end you may have to show up with all your kids and make a scene if necessary and face losing family. They might just need some education and have the facts explained to them.

 

[KirstenB]

This is kind of complicated so I'll try to keep it brief.......

I have three sisters, two older one younger. We'll call oldest sis "S", she has two girls same ages as my DDs 10 & 6. Second older sis "P" is single no kids. Younger sis "J" has 3 kids dd12, ds10, ds2. I also have a ds7 that is PDD-NOS, very high functioning but still a challenge sometimes.

We all live in the same town. We used to be VERY close but due to some family problems S and P and I have not had much of a relationship for the past 3yrs until this past summer. The girls now go back and forth for play dates and sleepovers. P has also had a girls' sleepover inviting all the nieces.

There has been an invite for a fireworks cruise that included everyone but J's ds2 and my ds7. I understood why they weren't invited since nephew at 2 is much younger than the rest (and a serious mama's boy) and my ds7 is not familiar with the aunts and could be a handful. I knew a train ride into the city and a fireworks cruise would probably be too much for ds son so I let the girls go feeling a bit sad ds would miss out but knowing he would rather skip it anyway.

An invite has come out now including all but these two boys again to go to a local farm for apple picking. I figure my options are:

1. let the girls go
2. invite myself along (akward) so ds7 can come
3. decline the invite

I understand they don't think they can handle my son but to be honest he's not that bad. What bothers me is that they don't make any attempt whatsoever to develop any relationship, to the point that they barely acknowledge his existance.

Why do families have to be so crummy?........What would you do?......

Call them, and see if you can bring him. You say you understand they don't think they can handle him. Maybe they need to see he's easy to be with. Maybe they've done some research about your son's condition and know that some kids with his condition have meltdowns due to sensory overload. Previous posters are right, it's hard to tell why they're excluding him. I do think we parents of special needs kids often have to do extra work to make sure our kids are socialized. Not that it makes it any easier...

 

[mazz1]

sending more hugs today and i'm hoping you have something positive sorted and are feeling better

Marie

 

[Poohnatic]

life can become very isolated when you have a disabled child so i'm sending you lots of hugs and good wishes as i know deep down how upsetting this is for you

Truer words were never spoken.

The exclusion can even be when friends just want to invite me out-it's as if they don't want my son around.

In the OP's situation, I'd probably tell my sisters that by constantly inviting just the girls, it raises questions about why their brother isn't invited along. In the future, if it's an obvious 'girl' activity, it's fine to just invite them along. In the case of something like the apple picking, roller skating, or going out to eat, either all your children are invited or none of them.

Suzanne

 

[mechurchlady]

Lots of hugs and good wishes. I forgot to add those hugs and wishes.

It would be funny if the sisters just did not like boys that much, lol. I have seen people partial to one gender of child over another.

 

[AJKMOM]

They say "You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family".

DBIL and wife once invited us for Christmas Eve, but said our kids (one who is autistic) couldn't come because they didn't have room for everyone. OK.

Christmas Eve and they 1. expected us to get a babysitter for 3 kids under 10, and 2. leave them at home because there wasn't room for them to eat a brownie!

 

[WildGrits]

They say "You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family".

Oh truer words can't be spoken.

In my family, the daughter without HFA gets doted on.

In my DH family the one with HFA gets doted on because they feel she gets left out.

And when I say doted that is even a rare time for either family to pay much attention to them.

I would do one of two things, either call S and ask why your son isn't invited.
If that doesn't open up real dialogue with her. I would decline.

 

[WildGrits]

They say "You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family".

My dad always use to say, "you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose."

I always thought that was funny but your way makes more sense.

 

[arminnie]

If I'm reading this right (who know) there are going to be 6 children for 3 adults in an outdoor open area.

Your son who I am sure is adorable ( I have visions of a little cherub out there among the apples) really deserves to have adequate supervision and support during this outing. That would be my concern with his going even if he were invited.

I have no clue whether your sisters' motives are pure selfishness or a genuine concern about being responsible for a child that they are not certain they are prepared to take care of adequately.

I'd rather see him not go than to be put in a potentially dangerous situation because no one is watching him. The only real solution to the hurt feelings/misunderstanding though long term is for you and your sisters to be able to talk about such things.

 

[angwill]

If I were in this situation I would either take the opportunity to start to get to know my family again by asking if they wouldn't mind if DS and I went. I would just feel that he is my responsiblity and would not want to put that on someone who is uncomfortable with him. If they are excuding both younger boys it is because they don't feel they can handle it. This will also give them a chance to understand him and find out that it isn't so hard after all when they see how you handle any situation that may or may not arrise.

The second option would be to send my DD to have fun with their cousins while I made special plans with DS letting him know that this is special time with just the two of us and he gets to chose the activity. Knowing my son he would chose the later of the two.

It's hard not to get feelings hurt when you don't want DS to feel like he is not good enough but only you can turn it into a positive instead.

In our family the female grandchildren are treated like queens by getting more one on one with the grandmothers and more gifts at holidays. The males are treated like paupers and get no one on one time and obvious less gifts. I really feel that they have a hard time with the activity level of the boys at their age when it comes to time spent. The boys really never notice the difference because they get the same time and gifts as one another and have no interest in what the girls get. The adults see the difference but I am ok with it because that is the grandparents choice to give and it doesn't bother either of the boys. If my son noticed and said something I would remind him that it is up to the gift giver to chose something their hearts tell them to give.

HTH

 

[mazz1]

My dad always use to say, "you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose."

I always thought that was funny but your way makes more sense.

my nan always used to say that god invented friends to apologise for our families

and you can choose your friends but not your family