Should I leave him alone?

[TRUFFLES13]

I posted last week about DH not coming home and calling. I don't know what his problem is- He keeps telling me he needs time, it's not me, it's him. He can't get his head straight. He wants us to be together, but he just can't get there? We have been married 10 years and have 1 DS.

I don't know what to do. Last night I asked him if he wanted to talk and he said no - got nasty - and said just to leave him alone.

Do I leave him alone and pretend we are just two people living in the same house? Or do I keep showing him that I love and care about him and want things to work out?

I don't know what to do, this year has been so hard, it was this time last year that I found out he was having an affair. I don't even know if it is over or if he still sees her. Every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie half the time. But then there are the days where he wants everything to be good with us.

I just want to be happy and stop feeling miserable!

Thanks for listening, didn't mean to ramble.

 

[Nancy]

Yep...leave him alone....basically just leave him! You are living in the same house, he won't talk to you, he wants to be left alone, you don't know if he ended his affair. Not a situation I would continue to live with. Think of how this affects you child, do you want him to grow up thinking his treatment of you is ok? Tell DH if he wants to be alone, he can, pack his bags and put them by the door and tell him bye, bye.

 

[Christine]

I think it's time to go.

This has been going on for a year now and he is making no effort to make things work?

Those times that he wants to make everything good are probably when he realizes how financially screwed he will be if you leave. The erratic behavior is probably a good indicator that an affair is still going on. If it weren't, he would be trying to work on things with you.

 

[VSL]

Tell DH if he wants to be alone, he can, pack his bags and put them by the door and tell him bye, bye.

Couldn't have said it better myself!

 

[kasar]

I think you should go on the assumption that he's still having the affair (or maybe a new one). Do you want to live with that? The one thing I KNOW I wouldn't do is I would not just go on like there's nothing wrong. It's time for you to either fight for your marriage or stand up for yourself. In any case, I think counselling is a good first step, either with him or by yourself.

 

[Buckalew11]

I am sorry you are going through this. Sounds like it has been going on for too long. It is time for him to decide what he is doing with your marriage and if he can't, then you should decide for him. Life is too short to be going through this. And life can be better than this for you. I can't imagine the emotional distress you have been going through for this long. best wishes to you. I think you know what you should do.

 

[TRUFFLES13]

Thanks everyone -

It really has been such a emotional rollercoaster. He keeps telling me if I don't want him there, I should tell him to leave. Why doesn't he just do it himself? I keep thinking he is playing some kind of game.

I did tell him this weekend that if he left how would I afford the house, there is no way I could pay our mortgage on my own. I'm thinking he would say that he would help with that, he didn't say anything.

I have fought so hard for this marriage to stay together, and I do worry about the affect on my DS, how he sees my DH treat me.

Plus my company is closing next month and I am so worried about finding a job making the money I do know.

I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, even just a glimmer of light!

 

[Tiggeroo]

sounds like he wants you to be the bad guy. Live with things the way they are for a bit. Start to get your financial ducks in order. Get some counseling. Find every bank statement and check the balance. Make sure your name is on these accounts or you have proof they exist. Start looking for a new job now. He will have to pay child support and if his income is greater then yours he may have to pay spousal support for a time. The problem is he's bi-polar. Your marriage may be the thing that keeps him stable, esp. if he's not getting help. If it ends he may have a hard time holding onto a job. This is my experience with bi-polar men. So you can't count on his income. Go see a good lawyer. He can help you get your finances in order and you don't have to go thru with a divorce if he stabilizes. It's possible that he's just unstable from the illness. When he sees you get a back-bone he might decide to get the help he needs.

 

[TRUFFLES13]

That's what I keep thinking, live with things for a ltitle bit. I have been putting money on the side and trying to document certain things. The banking is in both our names, which worries me. We refinanced our house and took extra money, which is why our mortgage is more. We were going to do some stuff with the money. He gave me paperwork to fill out and we were opening an account. Well I found out that the account is in just his name and money is missing. I know it is my stupidity for trusting him during a good moment! I do have the bank statements that show we did receive the money.

I have been sending out resumes. I am thinking of counseling, but I can't until Jan. because my insurance will be changing.

Thats what I think, he wants me to be the bad guy. Telling everyone that I kicked him out.

 

[Patty3]

Your DH sounds like my DS. It was basically the same scenario that you described. DS was having an affair and was trying to decide if he wanted the wife or the mistress. He ended up wanting the mistress. I do not say this to be harsh. You need to make a decision on what is right for you. I hate to see you being treated this way. He seems to want his cake and eat it too.

 

[TRUFFLES13]

Patty3 - I think I remember reading your posts. When I was reading them I thought of my DH. I think he wants to be with her, but worries about what his family will think. Who knows, I could be wrong on that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I just want to say you know you have put yourself in a horrible position. If I were you I would consider the marriage over and get it together to leave him.

Figure out how to get yourself in the best position. Go to your bank, creditors, an attorney. Figure out how to put yourself in a better legal position to split with him.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Yes leave him and never look back.

 

[TRUFFLES13]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I know in my heart I have done everything I can.

 

[jedi_librarian]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I know in my heart I have done everything I can.

And that's what you have to remind yourself. The problem is him, not you. I think he's just scared to be the one to leave you, so he wants it to be on you.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. No one deserves it. I can sorta relate. Have been going through emotional misery the past few months. But fortunately for me, I think there is a light at the end of the tunnel - hopefully. It's all still new. But you've been going through this for about a year. I think in your heart, you know what's best for you.

If you need to talk, feel free to PM me anytime.