should I just let this friendship go?(very long,sorry)

[Rock'n Robin]

I am in a position to let a friendship fade away for good and I'm wondering if I should.
DH has known the man since HS. He met his wife in the late 80s and we started doing things together. DH was in their wedding. In 1997 he started cheating on his wife. He told her he needed "space" and asked her to move in with her mom for a while. Well, what he wanted to do was say that she left him and come out on top in court! He started having his little chippy over at night and such. After a few weeks she got an order to get him out of the house (after he changed the locks twice, she broke back in and changed them again). It was really messy. In the midst of all this I got pregnant with DS. She is a real sweetheart and we were so mad at her husband. Yes we knew him first, but he's always been kind of a BS artist and after the crappy things he did we took her side.
Towards the end of 97 when the divorce was almost final--she called us--she was pregnant with his baby! Now forgetting the implications that she was still letting him sleep with her while living with his GF, she was 36 at the time and it was her first pregnancy after 6 years of marriage and she was happy about it, so we were too. She had her daughter 5 weeks early in 9/98 when DS was 3 months old. On the day she gave birth he had just left on a vacation to NC with his gf (of course she was early if that is a defense). He was called and informed and finished his vacation before coming back to see his daughter. We were so close at that point we made her my son's godmother. My SIL and I went and set up her nursery because her shower gifts were still boxed--washed the clothes, put the stroller together, etc. He did seek and get visitation and would get his daughter for a day or so every weekend, no overnights.
Well the next year we gradually stopped hearing from her, except we all went to the kids' parties, etc. And sure enough at the end of 99 he was moved back in. She hadn't wanted to answer any questions about why she would let him come back. Now their status is still divorced, but he lives there with them. He has no job--he goes to school full-time (he is 43) and she supports them, barely. He claims when he graduates he has a guaranteed engineering job because he is hispanic (i.e. someone will want to hire him for affirmative action reasons), and then she can quit her job, but we think he'll be gone again as soon as he gets a degree. Their little girl is cute, although spoiled, and turning 6 soon.
Here is the friendship question--we had a couple of parties he came to with them, and DH can't even look at him. He will talk to him for a minute and walk off. As couples we never socialize anymore--they only go out with a couple where the husband also has experience with cheating on his wife and I guess there is no judgement there. I've been trying to hang on, since she is DS's godmother, saying if she can forgive him why shouldn't we, but DH says it's not a question of forgiveness, he doesn't want to waste his valuable time with people who would do things like that, that he doesn't want to sort out the guy's lies from truth anymore.
Last year on the day of the daughter's BDay party DH deliberately started to clean out the garage and it took all day--I won't go alone and have to explain where he is, so I went over with the gift the next day with some lame excuse. This year I invited her to the party for DD#2, DS, the girls' dance recital which she has never missed before, and a play DD#1 was in--she didn't come to any of them. We only really saw them at the party for my niece (SIL would drop my nieces off to play with their daughter occasionally when BIL was in Iraq) and he talked to me about their WDW trip they were going to make with the other couple. DH wouldn't speak to him. He says he'd love to have her and her daughter over, but not the guy. I don't think that's an option.
I know if I ignore this BDay party invitation that will pretty much be it. Just wondering if I should let it go. You know, when we have kid parties it would be rude to come out and tell her to come and bring her daughter but her husband isn't welcome, but that's about the size of it. I am sorry this is so long, but it is complicated and it's something I need some input on.
Robin M.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I'm one who would probably let it go.

Good Luck.

 

[inaminute]

Letting a friendship go is not an easy thing to do, but it is best to be honest about your feelings.

IMHO, to simply ignore the invitation is more rude than telling her to leave the child's father at home. It sounds as if the friendship isn't as important as it once was, so you have nothing to lose in being honest with her. Tell her you'd love to have her and the little girl at the party, but to leave him home. Plain and simple.

If she shows up---great. Maybe you'll be able to get past this and continue the friendship from a different place. If not, then you know to let it go and not offer more invitations.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[RitaZ.]

I think this friendship is probably over for all of you. I think that what makes this decision more difficult is that the woman is your DS's gm.

If you don't show up at the party, they'll probably be upset. If you are honest about how you and your DH feel about her SO, I doubt that she'll choose you over him. It seems like no matter what he does to her, she keeps taking him back. You may want to be honest with her, just so that she knows the reason why you don't want to be around her SO. Who knows what she'll do?

Good luck with this decision.

 

[Pembo]

Long post, I skimmed it. But here's my 2 cents...if it causes you this much grief, let it go. Life is too short!!! If you have to ask the question, then you already know the answer.