Should I call the school or let it go (LONG)

[Melwood23]

As one who has had these issues as a teen in school, being the one always picked on. Most like if it had happened at me, I would of first did as your DD did, tell them to stop it. If they persisted, this is me I am talking about, I would most likely either ignore them, unless they persisted, then sorry, but I would of punched her. Yes I would of gotten in trouble back then, but as far as I am concerned, when some one touches you, and is pulling your shirt off/down...that is assault. Which is a good thing I am not a parent, cause I would of had good talking with the parents..or smacked them too...

Sorry but this topic hit a raw nerve, and my gut reaction took over

 

[VioltePrincess]

I'm kind of on the fence here, because the other girl oput her hands on the OP's DD, but didn't actually hurt her. if she'd hit her, I'd be giving a slightly different response.

kids have to learn how to handle these things, and unless there's a real threat of physical injury it's usually best the let the kid handle it herself. our school encourages the kids to mediate their disputes -- with a guidance counselor in some cases, or with a group of students who have volunteered to be peer mediators. I think it's worht the time and effort -- the incident gets documented (in case there's further trouble) and often the idea of sitting down and talking it out prevents further incidents. not that the kids involved becomebest friends or anything, but frequently the fact that the victim didn't ignore the behavior is enough to make it stop.


had someone tried this on either of my girls, I suspect they would have done what crankyshank suggests.

 

[momof2inPA]

Let it go.

 

[GeorgeHamilton]

a slap certainly equals someone jerking your shirt off of you.

First of all, you said "smack to the head" not slap. A smack implies force and could end up causing a serious injury.

Second of all, her shirt pulled over to expose her bra, it did not get jerked off of her. She did not sit there shirtless.

Please keep the story straight, will you?

I wholeheartedly diasgree with the behavior of the bully. But there is a way to show the bully you mean business without causing head trauma.

 

[MzDiz]

I've been giving this some thought. If I were in the mall and someone who I knew as an acquaintance came up to me, spit some nasty words at me, then jerked at my clothing, what would I do? Would I let it go? Unlikely.
This daughter is learning how to behave as an adult. Would you want your daughter to let it go if her boyfriend hits her? What about if someone keyed her car? Threw a rock at her? What if you were there? Would you let someone jerk at your daughter's clothing with you standing there, or would you grab that girl by the hair and yank her off your kid?
It may be that this bully girl is in serious need of some intervention, but my concern for her ends where another person begins. It is never right to touch another person like that. I agree that the victim needs to be the one to deal with the problem, but something should be done. Letting it go is sending all the wrong messages.

 

[RitaZ.]

This is true. My son was cold-cocked in a P.E. class in middle school. Just standing in line waiting his turn to do something a kid knocked his feet out from under him and then kicked him in the head while he was on the floor. DS got up and fought back. He was disciplined to the exact same extent as the kid who had attacked him. It's hard for a parent because the right answer is to encourage them to defend themselves/stand up for themselves, but the zero tolerance stuff makes that the "wrong" answer with respect to schools. It makes honest kids vulnerable. The kid who is prone to violence doesn't care about the discipline and will think it great sport to get someone else "in trouble" right along with them.

This is true! It's a fine line.

I'm also curious why the friend's parents didn't say something?

One thing your DD can do is to look the girl right in the eye (maintain eye contact the whole time) and say (in her meanest and most threatening voice), "Get your hands off me NOW!"

 

[DawnCt1]

First of all, you said "smack to the head" not slap. A smack implies force and could end up causing a serious injury.

a smack in the head is more of a slap than a punch. its open handed. i am now wondering who it actually is that has "head trauma".

 

[shortbun]

Emotionally, I agree with Dawn on this one. Being practical, I would instruct my daughter in how to deal with this young woman(being very nice here) if she bullies her again. I am also wondering why the parents who took your daughter to the concert didn't lean over and put a firm stop to it. It's their lack of support to your daughter that concerns me the most. Ya gotta be able to trust that the grownup in charge WILL be the grownup in charge.

 

[Wishing on a star]

there were a group of girls who were known to be bullies. at a teen dance, one in the group dumped orange soda over my head. fortunately i practiced judo with my little brother who was taking lessons at the time. i was tall and thin but i didn't leave one of those girls standing. NO ONE EVER BOTHERED ME AGAIN. in fact, kids who never spoke to me before said, "good morning" and talked to me. i ended up with way more friends than if i allowed myself to be a victim.

Excellent post!!!

Here is my advice.
Here is what I will be reinforcing with my son.

If anyone ever lays a hand on him in a way that he is not comfortable with. (Either just a hyper-kid playing around, or a bully, or whatever...) He should yell out LOUDLY with self confidence and conviction.. "KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF!!!"

This should get any adults attention. You see, bullies get away with 99.999% of what they are doing when they don't think an adult is looking. If you get all the nearby adults looking your way, and that should be step one in solving the problem.

If this does not quickly remedy the situation... then, have at the kid!

 

[RitaZ.]

This should get any adults attention.

Ideally, this should work. However, kids in this age group don't want to call attention to themselves, they want to avoid embarrassment at all costs. I doubt that the ones that are bullied will be this assertive when the situation calls for it.

OP, practice with your DD on what she can say if it happens again.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

If your daughter is that upset, I would report it. It was bullying and sexual harrassment.

Since it was a school function on school property--students are still governed by those policies.

If it happened in the work place--it would be no question to get HR involved.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You are right Rita!

This is why I will be reinforcing this with my son to make sure he has the self-confidence and feels empowered to do this.

Like Dawn just posted... The kid who stands-down the bully by taking charge and acting with authority will be the one who is respected!

This is a way to take control and being self empowered while still getting the attention of the adults who are in charge without being suspected of being a cry-baby who goes and whines to the teacher or adult about what happened after the fact.

If my son did this, and a fight ensued, I would be the first one to be fighting the schools if they wanted to hold my son responsible, since the teacher failed to address the situation.

 

[Wishing on a star]

other girl: GRABS dd shirt at the shoulder pulls it off her shoulder exposing her bra strap and then very loudly says: OMG what are you wearing...
at which point my dd said: what are you doing...and tries to pull away
...

(this is going on in a quiet auditorium before the concert started)
My dd is sooo upset.... many people seen this and HEARD it. She is very embarrassed and is now angry and hurt.

what would you do.

In the first part, the OP's dd was not being assertive enough. She was basicly under the control of the other girl, saying "what are you doing?"


What would I do???

Honestly, if this were at a school function and so many adults saw and heard this, I would be asking why somebody did not step in???

At this point, your dd was being physically accosted.

How did this altercation end???
Did the girl just stop? Did one of them move to another seat?
What happened?

 

[DawnCt1]

Like Dawn just posted... The kid who stands-down the bully by taking charge and acting with authority will be the one who is respected!

.

It was actually the talk of the school for a week. They were totally surprised. I was very feminine looking in appearance, dressed feminine. in fact i was wearing a light purple heather wool pants and sweater set. orange soda really made me mad!! the girls that accosted me were bigger and older and dressed like bums.

 

[tink1978]

I would probably go to the school and let them know about it and ask for a meeting between both parents and children so that everyone knows about it and has time to give their answer as to what happened and come up with a solution. However, most schools consider this girl's type of behavior sexual harassment, especially since your DD told her to stop many times. They may just go ahead and make a decision. I would definitely tell the school. It is not right for harassment to go on.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

Someone mentioned sexual harrassment, and if the OP's DD decides to speak out, that is the way to go. Since the bra area was involved and mentioned, it does fit the description. I would not do it as mom or dad, but if DD wants to take it a step further, use that.
When DD#1 was in 5th grade there was a bra snapper--another girl. She snapped bras of about 5 or 6 girls. They would tell her to stop and she would just laugh and do it again the next day or whatever. I advised DD to talk to the counselor. Finally all of the girls went together, and the bra snapper got a stern lecture about sexual harrassment frpm the counselor and the Principal. The bra snapping stopped!
Robin M.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would suggest your DD go to the guidance counselor and get some guidance as to how to handle this situation.

This will accomplish a couple of things:
1. The incident will be "on record" so if it contniues, there will be documentation
2. School administrators, having heard that there is a potential issue, brewing, will, hopefully, be more vigilant with regard to this girl.

I would also discuss with my daughter how to handle this should it happen again. I am not sure if I would condone hitting, although had osmeone done htis to me in HS, I'd have been slapping the crap out of them to get them off me, and probaly screaming like a banshee, but I would condone her causing a scene, as someone suggested, standing up and yelling "Stop touching me" and draw attention to the situation immediately, so adults have to step in. She doesn't want to call attention to herself?? Well, then she will have to live with being a victim...bulliers love people who don't like to stand up for themselves.

The choice is hers.

We had a "strap snapper" in HS...he got me once, I turned around and nailed him, in front of all his football players buddies (we were in the school gym after school and there were a number of kids milling around)...he never heard the end of being wailed on by a girl.

I have to tell you...if my kid was being physically attacked, I don't think I'd punish them for standing up for themselves or fighting back, even if the school did punish them.

 

[olena]

If it were a boy who did it, that would be considered sexual harassment. I'd have a chat with an administrator. If girls will be girls, then some girls won't let things go and things can escalate into future incidents.

 

[Padre Disney]

Info Update:
To clear up a few things. I dropped my dd of at the concert to meet up with her friend and the friends mother. The friends mother was 2 empty seats down the row from the girls, talkng with another mother when this happened and did not see anything.
DD is letting it go this time BUT next time has agreed that no matter how embarrased she might be , that she will talk loud enough to draw attention to the other girls bad behavior.
If it does happen again then I will be contacting the school.

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

I've been giving this some thought. If I were in the mall and someone who I knew as an acquaintance came up to me, spit some nasty words at me, then jerked at my clothing, what would I do? Would I let it go? Unlikely.
This daughter is learning how to behave as an adult. Would you want your daughter to let it go if her boyfriend hits her? What about if someone keyed her car? Threw a rock at her? What if you were there? Would you let someone jerk at your daughter's clothing with you standing there, or would you grab that girl by the hair and yank her off your kid?
It may be that this bully girl is in serious need of some intervention, but my concern for her ends where another person begins. It is never right to touch another person like that. I agree that the victim needs to be the one to deal with the problem, but something should be done. Letting it go is sending all the wrong messages.

I totally agree.

And I would also like to add that if that offender had been male, many of the "let it go" responses would have been very different. When somebody yanks your clothing off and then makes offensive comments about your breast size, it is indeed sexual harassment and shouldn't be overlooked.

I really agree with MzDiz. None of us would "let it go" if somebody came up to us in a mall and yanked our shirt off. Hell no! We'd more than likely call 911 and report a pervert. Fourteen is old enough to know better and that girl has some issues. Perhaps if she is reported then somebody will try and figure out who is sexually abusing her to make her want to sexually harass another person. She learned that behavior somewhere! That is not normal for a fourteen year old!!!!!

I also have to agree with Dawn. I have raised my daughter that if somebody is physically aggressive to her, then she needs to cold **** them. Fortunately it hasn't really come up beyond one minor bullying incident when she was much younger, but if somebody put their hands on my daughter in a violent or sexual demeaning way, I would want her to smack the hell out of the person doing it. I put up with sexual harassment from a boy in middle school. My grades suffered the whole year becuase I spent all my time trying to avoid him and being humiliated by the awful things he said. I wish I had kneed him in the you-know-whats and put an end to the problem. My grades and academic life would have suffered far less from a week of suspension than a whole year of dealing with that nonsense! I do not advocate violence but I do believe in self-defense. And if somebody yanks my daughter's shirt off in public then yeah, I hope she yanks some of their hair out in return!