Should I allow ex to go on trip???

[TheLittleRoo]

I'm divorced, and get along with my ex for my son's sake. Were it not for DS, I would loathe the slothful creature....

I cannot imagine a worse vacation than trying to coordinate my plans with my ex and his new wife. The truth is, life will be different for your kids now that you two are divorced and he is remarried. Not all bad or good, just different. I know the guilt you feel about their emotions and such, but it sounds like it wasn't your doing that caused the divorce in the first place.

I would overlap my vacation so that on the last day of your trip, your ex and his wife arrive. You can have a common dinner at Chef Mickeys or something, and then your boys stay a few more days with dad. And dad flies them home.

Uh-uh, no way, no how would I share a vacation much less a family suite in your circumstance. What a waste of time, and money on a well-deserved vacation.

I hope that doesn't sound nasty - - but I've been there, done that, bought the t-shirt! Plus you ought to set the boundaries early or you may end up dumped on from now on.

Good luck!

 

[minniebeth]

I say no, if they want a magical vacation, they can plan their own with the kids and have a wonderful time doing it.
I've done Disney by myself with my kids and yours are at a perfect age where they are independent enough not to be too much to handle. Disney is set up so wonderfully self-contained that it is so manageable AND fun!
Have faith in yourself that you can manage it and have a dream vacation with your kids.

 

[sunnyday123]

Thank you! This was my fear. As you can probably tell I have some feelings of guilt for my boys over the whole divorce (don't all divorced parents or is it just me ) so I felt myself caving. I want what is best for my boys, but not if it is going to make us all miserable. I couldn't ask my family their opinions because they all have some left-over feelings from the split and things he did during the marriage so they would've all said NO anyways. They all wish he'd just go away and not bother at all. I thought this was a good way to get outside opinions, especially from some who have been through and done this before. I wanted to know if it ever works out the way you'll hope it will or is it as disastrous as I keep imagining.

Great googly moogly he sounds like my ex!!! Dude has some serious issues. He's trying to weasel his way into your vacation?!!?? He thinks this will make him out to be such a great guy, look, we can allllllll get along in WDW, why I don't know why she's acting like such a witch, I'm fine here with my kiddos and new wifey. Blech!! My ex actually suggested this the first time I took our DD myself. As if. I would so top that beat down at the tea cups. At least my mug shot would have mouse ears in it.

Seriously, he's trying to make you out to be the bad guy. ( mommy why won't you let daddy come with us?) He probably still has some feelings for you, with a little superiority thrown in. Be firm, and telll him no way. I bet you deep down his new wife has some serious questions about their relationship. Good luck.

 

[Mickeyorbust]

Ughhhh....YUCK!!!!! Share a room with Ex and wife! No matter how well I got along with my Ex, and I don't, it would be too uncomfortable to share a room with them. Your Ex sounds like mine, that was dirty and underhanded, and I would tell him that. If seeing their first trip to Disney was so important why hasn't he taken them before now? Hope you figure it out, as for me I wouldn't do it.

Sounds like you're uncomfortable with it, go with your gut!

 

[joyerbides]

I would have to say no to this as well. I get along with ex, my DH gets along with ex, but to have to share a vacation with him, and trying to fight for control of the vacation (my plans vs. his plans) on my dime, this = unmagical vacation . If he wants to plan a vacation with the kids, let him and his new wife do it as a family. Nothing wrong with that. It sounds like he is trying to hijack your idea. I have serious concerns with the new wife, if she is agreeing to this anyway. No way would I want to spend a vacation with my DH's ex. Whether we got along or not. Women can get very catty, especially when they have to "share" concerning a man. Not that you want to share him, but she may feel resentment when he tries to be a "family" with his ex. It could get pretty unmagical. Just do what you planned, don't feel guilty and enjoy "your" time with your kids. Good luck

 

[K and K's Mommy]

No, no to sharing a suite. That is weird, and I think it would be weird for the boys!

I can give you a bit of perspective from the other side. The same thing happened to my SIL, only it was her ex planning the trip. She was somewhat surprised he came up with the idea, but then very sad that she wouldn't see her DD's first visit to Disney. As she said then, she would take her DD someday, but it just would not be the same as the first trip. There is NO WAY they could have gone together. My brother gets along with the ex, but my SIL does not!!

 

[jrandtysmom]

No, no to sharing a suite. That is weird, and I think it would be weird for the boys!

I can give you a bit of perspective from the other side. The same thing happened to my SIL, only it was her ex planning the trip. She was somewhat surprised he came up with the idea, but then very sad that she wouldn't see her DD's first visit to Disney. As she said then, she would take her DD someday, but it just would not be the same as the first trip. There is NO WAY they could have gone together. My brother gets along with the ex, but my SIL does not!!

Thank you everyone for the responses. This post above is part of my guilt, even though I shouldn't care, I do think that if it was the other way around and he was planning the trip, I would feel horrible that I wasn't going to see their first trip. It's a little different as I'm there everyday and involved in EVERY aspect of their lives, whereas he just sorta shows up for the good stuff. He married this woman 2 weeks after our divorce was final. He is 30 and she is 50. I actually get along better with her then him, but I still don't want to spend a week with them (especially in the same room) My youngest son was hospitalized 4 times last year for asthma attacks and when they would show up to the hospital, she'd try to take over and would royally piss me off. I finally told her that just because he (my ex) needed a mother to take care of him didn't mean that I did. Anyways, I think she would dominate the trip and as everyone said, even though we get along in the little bit of time we spend together now, I doubt we would after a week of her trying to tell me and my kids what to do on OUR vacation. I think it's best if I go with my original plans and do my own trip, but hopefully they don't cause more problems by mentioning anything negative to my boys. Thanks again for the advice. Divorce with children is so hard!

 

[sk!mom]

OK, no personal experience here- no ex-husband but your post gave me creepy chills.

EXhubby and the new wife sharing a family suite You'd need to have a REALLY friendly divorce for that to work.

So, no, I wouldn't share my vacation with them. Your children will be thrilled when they go back with their dad anytime that he wants to plan it.

Hey, here's an idea- How long is your trip? If he really wants to share it- he can fly in and meet you on your last day and extend your boys vacation while you head to the beach to recoup.

 

[amazingx3]

No, I would not do it. This is your trip you planned for you and your boys. Don't let your ex ruin it for you.

 

[DevilDuckie]

I grew up in Berkeley and not even I have ever had drugs as good as the ones these people are on!

No. Not just "no" but H E double hockey sticks no! They can do a separate Disney trip with the boys. They do not get to horn in on yours. If you want adult help, offer to host a friend or invite your parents to join you. When my parents wanted to take our son on his first Disney trip (so did we) we all went together. The non-custodial and his wife took him for a second trip later on. Part of the joy of not being married to that man is that I don't have to take vacations with him.

 

[santa's surpriz]

I have been there! Not an easy decision! Don't feel guilty! He has probably had plenty of opportunity to take them if he really wanted to! Bottom line there is bound to be a conflict, you have carefully laid out plans that will need to be changed if they can (ADR, etc.) He would probably take off do his thing with his new wife and never give a thought if you needed time to do the same. Plans with exes and sharing experiences never work out as you would hope.

My ex-in laws even went as far as to try to plan a trip 3 weeks before mine. I refused to let my daughter go if they went. I spent too much time saving money and planning the trip to have it ruined! They are the type of people that are raedy to go after two hours, and what the ex FIL says goes and no body argues bc he becomes a complete crabapple (that is being extremely nice, BTW.) I was very ticked bc they plan family vacations every year (about 12 people including a cousin my daughters age) and exclude my daughter every year. Mostly bc my ex would have to repsonsible. I did however release the details to my ex-husband after I knew it was too late for him to get a room and air fare.

Enjoy the vacation you have planned. Just remember there are only a very limited number of family suites available and they were sold out. : )

 

[jack hannah bananah]

I agree with MickeyWho. I would plan the trip. Let them make their own plans - not the same hotel room! PLan some things together, some things apart. Maybe ask him to come for just the first half of the vacation so he get the initial reactions, but you still get a private vacation. I don't want to add to your guilt - you sound like a lovely person. However, you said it yourself - the kids would love it too.
I would definitely set up some ground rules. First meal at Chef Mickey together - enter MK together. I think one day with them is more than generous on your part.

 

[Disneyboundf16743]

We did that on my stepsons first Disney trip. His mom actually booked her own trip immediately after ours so our son got two Disney trips out of it. He just moved resorts. We did leave a lot of things for her to see for the first time with him so as to not take away all of the fun of a first time experience. It worked out great. But if your ex wants to be there for the whole first experience and you all get along then I say Why not? Maybe plan the first day sharing the entire time and then maybe each of you take a day alone with him. Unless there are other children involved and then you might want to consider the other kids.

laurie

OK I need some advice. I am a single mother to 2 boys (age 7 & 4). I 've decided to take them to Disney this year for their first trip. My ex-husband is remarried and after I told him what I was doing, he now has decided that he and his new wife should be allowed to come along on the trip so they don't miss out on the boys trip to Disney. They think that we should try and get a family suite at ASMU and they'll pay the difference over what I was originally going to pay. At first I laughed and said the hell you will but now they are trying to make me feel guilty and even said something to my boys about them going on the trip with us (which of course the kids would love to have their dad there.) Am I being selfish for not wanting to go to Disney with my ex-husband and his new wife (yes we all get along but still), share a room with them and have to spend a week that I was so very much looking forward to with my boys now with them as well. Am I looking at it negatively or should I be seeing some positives here (because I'm not)? The only positive is that then I would have some help instead of traveling alone with the boys but to me that isn't really looking like much of a positive. I do feel a little guilty about their dad not being along on the trip for the boys but isn't that what happens in a divorce? Should I be the bigger person and allow them to tag along? Sorry for such a long rant.

 

[Rylee]

OK I need some advice. I am a single mother to 2 boys (age 7 & 4). I 've decided to take them to Disney this year for their first trip. My ex-husband is remarried and after I told him what I was doing, he now has decided that he and his new wife should be allowed to come along on the trip so they don't miss out on the boys trip to Disney. They think that we should try and get a family suite at ASMU and they'll pay the difference over what I was originally going to pay. At first I laughed and said the hell you will but now they are trying to make me feel guilty and even said something to my boys about them going on the trip with us (which of course the kids would love to have their dad there.) Am I being selfish for not wanting to go to Disney with my ex-husband and his new wife (yes we all get along but still), share a room with them and have to spend a week that I was so very much looking forward to with my boys now with them as well. Am I looking at it negatively or should I be seeing some positives here (because I'm not)? The only positive is that then I would have some help instead of traveling alone with the boys but to me that isn't really looking like much of a positive. I do feel a little guilty about their dad not being along on the trip for the boys but isn't that what happens in a divorce? Should I be the bigger person and allow them to tag along? Sorry for such a long rant.

I have read your other post in this thread...

First... You are NOT being selfish, your ex is being selfish. I'd like to think this is "about the children," but it really seems like it's "all about him" and what he wants. His heart might be in the right place (with the boys), in part, but it is very selfish of him to expect you to share your vacation with him and his new spouse. Also, it seems as though he is still trying to have some control over you and your life. (This could be especially true if his new wife is more controlling in their relationship.)

Anyway, the two of you are divorced, and he can't have his cake and eat it, too!

You have every right to makes plans, share experiences with your sons, and have happy memories, that don't include your ex. He has the same right, however, he should make his own plans, as some things are better done separately. There will be many other things to come, that you will have to share... first day of school, graduations, weddings. etc., but vacations are not one of them.

You and your ex, should look at it this way... If both plan to take them, at different times, the kids get to go twice. Although you (or he) won't be there to experience it with them, you can be happy they get to go.

If for some reason you allow you ex and his wife to join you on this trip, insist on separate accommodations. IMO, there is something belittling about you sleeping in one room on the pull-outs, while your ex and his wife, head off to share a bed in the other room.

 

[rt2dz]

I haven’t read the replies, but here is my advice IF you all get along really well, let them come with certain limitations. DO NOT stay in the same room. Make them get their own room. Also, do not allow it to be for the full trip. I’m assuming you are going for a week; let them come for the first couple of days or the last (which is what I really recommend so they don’t decide to just stay longer) 2-3 days. That way your ex can participate in their first trip, a really special moment for the kids, but not invade your trip.

However, if you do decide to not let him come, DO NOT feel bad. He can take them next time. Use the reverse situation when you tell him no—would he want you tagging along if he and his new wife were taking the boys first?

Sort of OT--I'd have a talk with your ex about bringing things up with the kids that haven't been settled yet. That's mean to your boys--and for now on it is all about the kids.

 

[Maggie'sMom]

I haven't read all the replies, but wanted to chime in. I am a single mom. My vote is absolutely not and don't feel even a tiny bit guilty for it.

My ex also tried to invite himself along on our trip in February 2007. I told him in no uncertain terms that there was not a chance in hell that was going to happen. It would have been absolutely miserable for me, and probably not much fun for DD as well. My ex is extremely selfish, even when it comes to our daughter. He would try to make the trip all about himself and take the focus away from DD. Oh, and he thought it was fine that I would pay 100% for DD's tickets and meal plan and our hotel room and he would only pay for a room, tickets, and meals for himself.

 

[jrandtysmom]

I haven't read all the replies, but wanted to chime in. I am a single mom. My vote is absolutely not and don't feel even a tiny bit guilty for it.

My ex also tried to invite himself along on our trip in February 2007. I told him in no uncertain terms that there was not a chance in hell that was going to happen. It would have been absolutely miserable for me, and probably not much fun for DD as well. My ex is extremely selfish, even when it comes to our daughter. He would try to make the trip all about himself and take the focus away from DD. Oh, and he thought it was fine that I would pay 100% for DD's tickets and meal plan and our hotel room and he would only pay for a room, tickets, and meals for himself.

Wow I think were were married to the same person.

 

[Maggie'sMom]

Wow I think were were married to the same person.

Your ex's name isn't Mike is it?

My ex did take DD to the Magic Kingdom in April for one day while they were in Florida visiting his family. DD said there were 3 things she wanted to do: Dumbo, Peter Pan, and see the princesses. Out of the 3, my ex only took her on Peter Pan because he said the lines for the others were too long and he wasn't going to "waste" his time. Granted, he's right that those are extremely long, slow moving lines, but DD would have been fine waiting in line if it meant she'd get to do what she really wanted to do. So I got to listen on the phone to my daughter cry that night because she didn't get to do 2 of the things she'd been talking about for weeks. No child should be crying after a day in the MK. I just told her "Don't worry. We're going in September and we will ride Dumbo and see princesses."

 

[fsmith2845]

I haven't read all the replies, but wanted to chime in. I am a single mom. My vote is absolutely not and don't feel even a tiny bit guilty for it.

My ex also tried to invite himself along on our trip in February 2007. I told him in no uncertain terms that there was not a chance in hell that was going to happen. It would have been absolutely miserable for me, and probably not much fun for DD as well. My ex is extremely selfish, even when it comes to our daughter. He would try to make the trip all about himself and take the focus away from DD. Oh, and he thought it was fine that I would pay 100% for DD's tickets and meal plan and our hotel room and he would only pay for a room, tickets, and meals for himself.

Wow.. you must have been married to my DW's ex hubby.. maybe his clone.. sounds exactly like him.. very manipulative at everyone's expense.. including his daughter.. it's despicable!!!

 

[marvali]

Well I've read through this whole thread and it appears you are getting a lot of advice from a bunch of mostly emotional women, a lot of whom are maybe in the same boat as you. I thought I would give you the advice of a man for a different point of reference (chill ladies, you might be surprised).

First of all I have to say the guy is a jerk for so many reasons! You come up with this wonderful idea and he tries to horn in. Why? Because you are planning to do something that he knows your boys will enjoy and you will be making points with them while he looks bad for not thinking of it first. Secondly, he wants the benefit of being a part of the trip, but at your expense, and I don't just mean money. "We will pay the difference in the price of the room" when your part will be probably 80-90% of the cost of a slightly larger suite. How nice of his generous offer! You foot most of the bill and they get to be a part of this special "first visit to Disney" event. All of the glory and none of the "pain"......how sweet. Besides the cost, you now have to go out of your way to compromise on what you are all going to do because, after all, you don't want to be fighting and spoil the boy's first trip. You will be miserable like that!

Now, having said all of that, IF, and that's a big IF, YOU decide there is a way to compromise for the boys' sake, THEN and ONLY then should they be allowed to go. There is no way you should do it and share a room with them....PERIOD. I personally feel that the kids in a divorce suffer most if the parents can't get along afterwards and all they ever see is fussing and fighting between you both. Staying in the same room sounds like the perfect way to end up letting them see just that, especially if your EX's "second mommie" is so domineering.

The idea of telling them where and when and them making their own arrangements is the only way you should do it if YOU make that decision (after all, YOU were the one who made the decision to start with). Depending on the length of your trip you could plan some things together, and some things that are just you and your boys. They could possibly get them all to themselves one day if that is okay with you (hey, some Mommy alone time is never a bad thing and will help you to recharge and relax too).

You mentioned how much your sons like the idea of having Dad along on the trip. Were they excited about the trip BEFORE Dad invited himself??? Then I'm guessing they will still be, even if he doesn't end up going along. You came up with this idea and you made these plans. If you feel the least bit uncomfortable about them going along (and I certainly would) then don't feel guilty in the least telling him "it just ain't gonna happen."

Explain to your sons that "Daddy will take you another time, which is great because then you get two trips to Disney" and if it is all about them and not him, then he will make his own plans and take them. If it is all about him instead (and it sounds like it is to me), then you just turned the tables on the jerk for putting you on the spot about this first trip.

I personally say tell him it is just going to be a trip for three this time because truthfully I don't see any way it can work out as well for you and your boys with having to consider them in your plans too. You are going to come back home more stressed out than when you left so there goes the benefit of vacation. Trust me, you can handle it without their help and have a great time.

If you do decide to let them be a part, then as other's have said, it is only under YOUR rules and with your decisions about what you will do each day (based obviously on what your boys are excited about doing). If they can't totally agree to that, then tell them sorry, it is the only option and they will just have to take them another time. Then be firm about your decision and know you are doing the right thing all the way around.

You DO NOT and SHOULD NOT feel guilty if you decide they are not welcome on this great idea you had!