Should ex help out with these expenses?

[morgan98]

I think the OP is in a tough situation because she is trying to do what is right for her daughters in terms of providing them with opportunity. She is going above and beyond. Unfortunately, she is pretty much doing this on her own because her husband is not legally required and seems disinterested in helping.

I think in the future, she should really think through the logistics of these commitments because what is currently going on sounds like it is ruining her summer too. While I understand wanting her daughters to work and one to be in the theatre program, I feel she is the one making the sacrifices. They do not even have to wait for each other or kill time before or after their activities. I agree with the others in asking them to find activities geographically closer to each other, etc. I guess this one needs to be chalked up to live and learn.

 

[DSMVP]

I have an 18yo DD who does not drive and will be going into college in the fall. I am also recently divorced. If my DD wanted to work I would have to drive her, but I would insist on it being close to home and convientent for me & my job if she was depending on me to get her there and home. I wouldn't ask her or my ex for gas money. If she offered, sure why not but $20 in the gas tank, but I wouldn't insist if I made the choice to take her. I get child support, and work, so gas to take my kid to work should be my expense not his. TJMHO

 

[kellyjeanie]

So, this adult is paying no expenses 'because they are saving for college'.
And, if I am reading this right, the OP feels that extra gasoline to cover ones own personal decision to commute should be covered, but COLLEGE isn't???
Forget the gas... Get him to pay 1/2 for college.

OP seems to be a bit defensive, and has every reason she can't do anything to change her situation and the decisions that are being made, except for expect her Ex to cover for it.
I am not so sure that this is the best angle.

There are a lot of cheap and despicable parents out there.
Sure, it would be nice if he just chose to pony-up, or to have custody of the kids during the week.
But, unless there are steps taken to change these two things, hopes and expectations are just not always the end reality.

If OP seems defensive, it's because there were some really cold, bordering on nasty responses on this thread. She's been open to reasonable suggestions. I don't think it was wrong of her to ask the ex to chip in if she's spending the summer taxiing their daughters around. Unfortunately he refused, and she's going to continue doing what she feels she has to do.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I agree... I would not expect my 18 year old to be more self sufficient, or even to drive, since there seem to be some other factors there.

It really is a difficult situation that they are in!!!

The OP seems to be wanting to do everything possible, and is 'dancing as fast as she can'.
But, sadly, there is only so much that one human being can do.

 

[MariMama]

So, the adult daughter is paying no expenses 'because they are saving for college'.
And, if I am reading this right, extra gasoline to cover ones own personal decision to commute should be covered, but COLLEGE isn't???
Forget the gas... Get him to pay 1/2 for college.

OP seems to be a bit defensive, and has every reason she can't do anything to change her situation and the decisions that are being made, except for expect her Ex to cover for it.
I am not so sure that this is the best angle.

There are a lot of cheap and despicable parents out there.
Sure, it would be nice if he just chose to pony-up, or to have custody of the kids during the week.
But, unless there are steps taken to change these two things, hopes and expectations are just not always the end reality.

Parents are not obligated to pay for college. ETA Unless it is spelled out in a divorce decree.

 

[gwynne]

Yes, I agree... I would not expect my 18 year old to be more self sufficient, or even to drive, since there seem to be some other factors there.

It really is a difficult situation that they are in!!!

The OP seems to be wanting to do everything possible, and is 'dancing as fast as she can'.
But, sadly, there is only so much that one human being can do.

Well yes and no. While jobs and activities are good, they are not good at any cost. Sometimes it's important that the parent set some boundaries and the teens make some compromises within those boundaries. Things sometimes creep up and suddenly a parent realizes what seemed great in theory... in reality is not working so well. So, it's time to think it through, discuss and adjust before next summer.
Whatever is decided needs to be do-able and affordable.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhh, I totally agree kellyjeanie!!!
Rude responses are something that one will get on chatboards.
Even here in the DIS!

I suppose I am thinking that, instead of hoping that Ex will help cover for the situation, and hoping that everyone will fall in line and say "Your expectations are totally great, and he is the bad guy." I think that I would looking at what I might have to do.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes!! I agree with you too Gwynne.
Boundaries, reasonable expectations, compromises, and adjustments are key.

 

[MIGrandma]

Not said with a critical tone, but my gut reaction to what you've said here is that you're responding to the issues largely with your son's interests and POV as the primary consideration of how you view the situation, i.e. how much of a scrimp and a struggle you see him going through to provide child support for his son. That's a common thread among cases of divorce. No doubt about it, it's an expensive prospect when a family becomes divided across two households and suddenly there are two residences to be paid for out of the same amount of family income in total.

No, my first thought about the OP's post was that her daughter is 18, an adult, yet she is still expecting her ex to contribute to gas money for taking her DD to/from her job but hasn't told the DD she needs/should help pay for the gas. But as the OP pointed out legally she can collect child support until her DD is 21 and that's what really surprised me as it's 18 here.

 

[kellyjeanie]

Ohhh, I totally agree kellyjeanie!!!
Rude responses are something that one will get on chatboards.
Even here in the DIS!

I suppose I am thinking that, instead of hoping that Ex will help cover for the situation, and hoping that everyone will fall in line and say "Your expectations are totally great, and he is the bad guy." I think that I would looking at what I might have to do.

It's possible that she was hoping ex would help, hoping people would agree with her, while still looking at her options. She can do all those things at the same time. All she asked in the OP was if people felt she was out of line for asking.

 

[roseaster]

Same here for our kids. We live on a farm. I remember being so glad when my kids got their driver's licenses so I could quit running them back and forth to the school for extra-curricular activities and/or their jobs. DH was raised on the farm, he started driving tractor at age FIVE.

Do you not understand that there are reasons that some people CANNOT drive? The OP says that there is a reason that her daughter can't drive and she doesn't care to discuss it as it is personal. This may not be an issue of she doesn't want to drive, there may be a very legitimate reason why it is not safe for her TO drive. Not that I know the OP, but to throw a few things out there (seizure disorders, vision problems, medications that make driving unsafe, some psychiatric issues, some neuro issues that may affect judgment or reaction times)

Oh, and I live in NJ and I will collect every dime of my girls' child support money that their bio dad is required to pay until their 21st birthday as long as they are living in my home and I (mostly my husband) are supporting them.

BTW, OP, I think that you are pretty stuck with the transportation expenses and inconvenience. It would be nice if he helped, but he isn't required to.

 

[piccolopat]

I think it is too late this year. You allowed your kids to do these things without figuring out how they would get there and back. That's on you if he doesn't want to chip in since both are optional activities. You didn't say whether (unless I missed it) if your daughter has any interest in driving or if you just don't want her to drive. My DD got her permit at 16 but didn't want to drive. We paid for driving lessons for her when she graduated college. For whatever reason your family has, consider driving lessons for your daughter when the time is right. Having an impartial instructor in a car with dual controls was what she needed to gain her confidence and get her license. Unless you want to go through the same thing next year, your options for your older daughter are to have her get her license (and a car) before then, get a job on or near her college campus, or get a job that she can bike or carpool to from home. For your younger daughter, you might need to limit her activities to something close to home or a sleep away camp. If none of this works, would you consider moving closer to the city and public transportation to make it easier on all of you?

 

[Vijoge]

I thought I had ideas, but I don't. Getting any child support out of my ex was like pulling teeth. I would have been happy just to get that, regularly and close to on time.
.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

I feel like I can't even answer fast enough all of the assumptions and criticisms that are flying at me. And I wish that people would read my other posts so that they see all of the things I've already answered/explained. My DD could NOT find a job within a more reasonable distance. Believe me, we live in a rural area. And yes, she is making good money, and it is related to her field, and she'll be able to continue working there during all school breaks as long as she wants. It's worth it.

I hadn't considered asking DD18 for gas money, as I already stated, but I AGREE --- it's a good idea! (but there's still the 96 miles a day that I'm driving her sister)

SHE IS NOT GOING TO GET HER LICENSE THIS SUMMER ---- end of story. And even if she did, she isn't getting a car. I won't discuss it further. She and I will be subject to much more criticism if I do.

I don't know why child support goes until age 21, but it does. I live in New York State. Not sure if it's like that in the whole state, or only in my case. I don't question it!

It's really hard to give an opinion on this when something that is the easy, obvious solution is not up for discussion. And that's coming from someone who has a child the same age as yours, and I actually DO drive her to work most days, but it's because we work in the same area. But her not driving at this age is pretty unfathomable, short a severe disability. (Which I'm thinking it isn't or you wouldn't assume it would open you up for more criticism.) I don't put gas much in her car anymore, and she doesn't really ask, but I wouldn't ask her for gas money.

He lives close to both of the girls' destinations, but not as close to our town. I have suggested to him (MULTIPLE TIMES) that the girls spend the night with him and he can drive them, and I'll pick them up, or vice versa. He doesn't want them to spend the night ------ I think he may have a new girlfriend that they don't yet know about. He has helped with transportation three times since this started.

Now this I find completely unacceptable. Mean, selfish, and a bunch of words I can't type on the DIS. He should want the girls for part of the summer regardless of this transportation issue. That's what divorced parents do.

OP, I do feel for you. It sounds like you are doing everything you can, going out of your way to do everything for the girls, ex does the bare minimum or less, and even after doing all that you are taking a beating on this thread. I don't think that given the terms of your agreement, you can get him to pay half, and unfortunately it's all on you since he refuses to help. A grown child not driving is the elephant in the room though.

 

[superme80]

I just want to say to the OP I'm sorry. That really sucks. I completely understand about 18 year olds not being able to drive. I didn't get license until I was almost 22. It was a complete maturity thing. A lot of my friends got their licenses around the same time. Thankfully I lived in a city with a good bus system. Should your ex help with gas money? I really believe he should. Should he have the girls over if he isn't going to contribute gas money? I really think he should. Will he? Probably not. And for that I am sorry. I would talk to your oldest about giving some gas money. I know it is college money, but maybe $20 a week will help some.

 

[Minnie_me]

Thanks for the advice, everybody! I am doing the following:

~ tell DDs that they should contribute a little bit toward the gas each week, just to show some grown-up responsibility. They won't have a problem with it.

~ NOT having DD15 wait around the city for me for 4+ hours after her program ends - LOL! Funny so many of you suggested that. It's not a good part of the city; and I don't know what the heck she would do or where she would go for that amount of time.

~ contacting my attorney about the Ex paying for college. I won't go into the fiasco that occurred, but it didn't happen. Unfortunately, the divorce agreement says that he will pay for college "to the best of his ability". Man, I need a new attorney - LOL! My DD is very smart, and did receive a full tuition scholarship. But we all know that room and board are more than tuition, so it's hardly free.

~ working on getting DD18 toward getting her license. Thank you to those of you who showed support and empathy for this situation. No, she is not disabled, but if I told you what the reason was, you WOULD understand (well, the nice ones would; the mean-spirited ones would still jump all over me). All of my friends are in agreement (and all of HER friends as well! LOL!). By next summer, she most likely will have her license, and we will look into getting a vehicle for her.

~ looking into getting a ride home for DD15, at least as far as the nearest suburb so that I can have a shorter drive to pick her up. We don't know anybody in the program, since we're "country bumpkins", lol, and it's a program mostly attended by city/suburban kids, but we'll figure it out.

~ NOT MOVING! LOL! I would never consider leaving this wonderful small town, where I have had a 30-year career and have many wonderful friends, just because of my daughters' summer jobs and activities. We will plan better next year.

I'd love for the thread to END now, but I know that it won't. And I also know that people will continue to second-guess my parenting and feel that it's perfectly fine for them to bash me for reasons that baffle me.

 

[piccolopat]

OP, I know that you want to end the thread but I thought of something that you can look into. If your ex-H can't have the child support taken out of his paycheck, why not have him set up an autopay from his checking account? I use this feature to have my bank automatically send out a check to one of my accounts that doesn't take electronic payments. Unless he enjoys getting those reminder texts from you, he might even like the option since he pays anyway. Good luck!

 

[MIGrandma]

Do you not understand that there are reasons that some people CANNOT drive? The OP says that there is a reason that her daughter can't drive and she doesn't care to discuss it as it is personal. This may not be an issue of she doesn't want to drive, there may be a very legitimate reason why it is not safe for her TO drive. Not that I know the OP, but to throw a few things out there (seizure disorders, vision problems, medications that make driving unsafe, some psychiatric issues, some neuro issues that may affect judgment or reaction times)

Oh, and I live in NJ and I will collect every dime of my girls' child support money that their bio dad is required to pay until their 21st birthday as long as they are living in my home and I (mostly my husband) are supporting them.

BTW, OP, I think that you are pretty stuck with the transportation expenses and inconvenience. It would be nice if he helped, but he isn't required to.

Well, I was commenting and agreeing with what MariMama said, that is why I quoted her.

Oops, sorry OP, I see where you'd like the thread to end but you've been here long enough to know that it probably won't happen. I don't really understand why you think people have been "bashing" you for your parenting. You started the thread, and you ASKED if people thought your ex should help you out with the gas you've been using to drive your DD's to their job/extra-curricular class and people gave their answers/opinions. It seems like you're happy with those who agreed with you, but feel the ones that didn't have been bashing you and I really didn't see that in this thread. Maybe I missed something. But believe me, I have learned that if you put something out there you have to be prepared to get all kinds of answers, and develop a thick skin and not let people's opinions get to you. If you don't want to hear all kinds of responses then don't put it out there, simple as that.

 

[TAX GUY]

If there was public transportation or the option to car pool, would he be required or expected to pay for her bus pass/ cab fare or to help pay for car pool expenses?

I'm still curious what the answer to this would be.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

If OP seems defensive, it's because there were some really cold, bordering on nasty responses on this thread. She's been open to reasonable suggestions. I don't think it was wrong of her to ask the ex to chip in if she's spending the summer taxiing their daughters around. Unfortunately he refused, and she's going to continue doing what she feels she has to do.

Agree x10000. She's been asked numerous times why her oldest doesn't drive and why the state law allows her to collect child.support until. 21. Her child doesn't drive and her state allows her to.collect. end of story. Best of luck to.the OP