Shoplifting! A vent & need advice.

[Marseeya]

I just got the phone call every parent dreads! My son was caught shoplifting in our local grocery store.

I'm so angry right now, I'm still shaking.

Basically, the store called us about 45 minutes ago and wanted us to come get him. He stole a pint of milk valued at $1.49. Apparently, he was with a friend, and he said he was thirsty, and the friend prompted him to just take the drink, so he put it in his pocket and walked right out of the store. The undercover security officer was right there for the whole thing, so he heard what was said. They held my son until we could come get him. We have to pay for the milk, obviously, and then around $175 for a fine, which they'll make payment arrangements for. Oh, and he's never allowed back into that store.

What's worse, I'd just given my son $20 to go out with his friends last night.

Have any of you had to deal with this? DH and I haven't come up with many punishment options yet because we want to calm down and be rational when we set his punishment (he is in his room with no privileges right now). Obviously, he'll be paying us the money for the fine. Help me set some limits to this punishment -- I don't want to go so far overboard that he'll feel he has nothing left to lose, but I sure as hell don't want to go easy on him either, that's for sure. I want him to remember and feel ashamed, but not end up feeling like a victim, and therefore justified (if that makes any sense).

ARGH!!!

 

[nativetxn]

Travis tried this one time when he was 13. He too was busted by security as soon as he walked out of the store. His father happened to be with him and was mortified.

We grounded Travis for two weeks and his father made him tell me and his grandmother what he had done. He was pretty sheepish and embarrassed and as far as I know, he never tried that again. He was not fined, though.

Katholyn

 

[poohbear1029]

What about making him write a letter to the grocery and the police apologizing for his actions and for wasting the time of the police when they could have been attending to more life threatening issues (being a little dramatic on the last one, but you get my drift). Make him hand deliver the one to the police...since he cant go to the grocery store...

 

[ducklite]

What about making him write a letter to the grocery and the police apologizing for his actions and for wasting the time of the police when they could have been attending to more life threatening issues (being a little dramatic on the last one, but you get my drift). Make him hand deliver the one to the police...since he cant go to the grocery store...

That's one thing I thought of.

How will he pay you back for the fine money? Allowance isn't going to cut it. I'd make him work it off.

Oh, and if you have to go to family court, consider asking the judge to put him on probation (even if they normally don't do so) and impose YOUR rules as to curfew, school work, etc. That way he's accountable to someone other than you. You'd be surprised that the judges who have no problem going allong with this.

Obviously completely forbidding him to spend time with this other kid would be another thing. And if this other kids parents aren't aware of what happened, I'd sure as heck be calling them.

And one other thing--maybe require him to do volunteer work with the homeless, in a soup kitchen or food bank so he can see what it's really like to be hungry and thirsty...

Anne

 

[Skylarr29]

Well I dont have any advice for you just . I also want to say that I think you and your dh are very inteligent to wait until you are calmer to make a decision!! I think most children will have tried this at one point or another. I think the most important point is to express the seriousness of the action and give him a punishment that is reasonable but stern.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OK...sorry it happened. Now I don't what you should do but I would like to give my 2 cents.

My first thought before the punishment, is that the friend prompted him to do this and he went along with it. More than the stealing this is my first worry.
This means your son is "weak" when it comes to dealing with peers. Think further down the road...booze, drugs, lying, etc..

Now how to use his "weakness" and to incorporate it into a punishment????

How old is he?

I am a person that puts the kid to work in volunteer situations or services. Off the top of my head, I might say you are going to volunteer "here" and you have to put in so many hours of service.

Now I might look into where he would be dealing with people that are less fortunate so he can "see" what path he wants to travel.

I would think this over for a solid week, making calls and waiting for the follow up from the store before I handed down the "verdict".
Of course in the meantime, I would take away all "goodies" until that time.
Let him marinate for awhile.

{{{HUGS}}} I am sure you will figure it out.

 

[Cindyluwho]

What about making him write a letter to the grocery and the police apologizing for his actions and for wasting the time of the police when they could have been attending to more life threatening issues (being a little dramatic on the last one, but you get my drift). Make him hand deliver the one to the police...since he cant go to the grocery store...

ITA That's a great suggestion.

 

[poohbear1029]

And one other thing--maybe require him to do volunteer work with the homeless, in a soup kitchen or food bank so he can see what it's really like to be hungry and thirsty...

Anne

I agree with this one....and maybe he can work off a % of the fine with you that way.....so much $ for every hour of community service he does......

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I was also going to suggest a letter to the store. Good idea to do it to the police, too. Also, community service of some kind. I like the soup kitchen idea. I also would not allow your son to hang out with the other boy. Have him work off the fine and be grounded for awhile. Afterall, he proved that he can't handle the perks of being a boy his age (how old is he?), so he doesn't get them. Plain and simple. He now needs to earn back your trust, which is not an easy thing to do.

I haven't gone through this with my own kids. My only experience was stealing an empty bottle so that I could return it to a store for the deposit money. After taking the bottle I felt so guilty that I gave the bottle away. I was in elem school at that time. That was my big shoplifting experience! A friend did pressure me to steal candy bars when I was in jr high and had a paper route and delivered a paper to the Payless Drug Store. I refused, told her that I would lose the paper route and I wouldn't do that. I guess the bottle incident made a big impression on me.

Sorry about your son! You are doing the right thing giving him consequences--hopefully he will learn his lesson.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I agree with the letters of apology (handwritten, not typed, he has to write it for each place he's sending it to instead of just printing two copies) and the volunteering. I also agree with making him work it off, don't let him use Christmas/birthday/allowance money that's easy to get.

I applaud you for thinking it over and cooling down before offering the punishment, I wouldn't be so even tempered.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

Well I dont have any advice for you just . I also want to say that I think you and your dh are very inteligent to wait until you are calmer to make a decision!! I think most children will have tried this at one point or another. I think the most important point is to express the seriousness of the action and give him a punishment that is reasonable but stern.

I agree with this poster. My oldest son stole christmas bulbs off of the town tree, why i don't know, with his friends, they had to do community service, no fine. He is now in college!

My youngest son stole candy from the conveince store, I made him pay for it with his own money and he wrote a letter of apology, again no fine. He is a sophomore in h.s. honor roll!

I didn't punish but I remember giving a firm lecture to them! But again there were no fines involved.

I agree with community service, or volunteer work, serving meals on Christmas to the homeless, things like that.

Most kids will try this. Neither one of my DS's made a career out of this.

 

[Lewisc]

I don't understand the fine. Is the store actually pressing charges and the local DA/courts are willing to prosecute for a theft under $2?

 

[laurie31]

My first thought before the punishment, is that the friend prompted him to do this and he went along with it. More than the stealing this is my first worry.
This means your son is "weak" when it comes to dealing with peers. Think further down the road...booze, drugs, lying, etc..

Now how to use his "weakness" and to incorporate it into a punishment????

This was also my thought. Especially when I read at the end that he had $20 with him. It would still be wrong wrong wrong, but if he had been thirsty and had no money then you could have found some small justification for why HE thought it was okay. But for him to have $20 in his pocket and steal something worth less than $2, just means he stole to not "lose face" in front of his friend. Along with the obvious lecture about stealing, don't forget the one about what happens when you listen to your friends dare you to do something you know is wrong. I have an idea that your DS was very aware that it was wrong to steal and is feeling badly that he did it but he needs to think about how he's going to handle it next time when the buddy he's with dares him to do something else. And they will. Even if you "ban" this friend, there's going to be another one. Every teen gets dared to do this kind of stuff. I know I did. It's hard not to give in, but let him know that in the end, your friends respect you more for standing firm than for accepting the dare (I found that out at my 10 year reunion, so it's NOT instant gratification!)

Growing up is hard. I dread when peer pressure becomes an issue for my kids.

and kudos to you for realizing you need to cool off and think rationally about an appropriate punishment. It sounds like your DS is a good kid, and the other boy may be a good kid too. When guys get together they are prone to do stupid things that they wouldn't do otherwise. (I know 'cause they often land in the ER - all we need to hear from the ambulance is there were 2 boys doing X and we know we're in trouble.)

Laurie

 

[ducklite]

When guys get together they are prone to do stupid things that they wouldn't do otherwise.
Laurie

My hairdresser and I were tlkaing about this yesterday. Boys check their brain at the door at puberty, and recover it when they get into their 20's.

Anne

 

[MagicKingdom05]

Marseeya,

First of all you did the right thing by grounding him to his room to allow you and your husband to cool of a little, before decided his punishment. No parent wants to get that call, and you have handled this really well.

Second, make sure that when you sit down with him, let him know that while your still angry and very disapointed with him and that he will have to get punished for this, that you guys still love him and will be in his corner during this whole processes. This might seem like a small thing, but I'm sure he is feeling really lonely right now.

Third, while there is never a good time for something like this to happen, with the Christmas holiday comming up and him being home from school, this might be a great to take him to a homeless shelter or a childrens home to see first hand what it's like not to have much of anything.

As far as punishment goes, I like the community service idea, also if there is something he really likes to do when he gets home from school like, playing video games or something like that, take it away from him x amount of time and also a long grounding is probably in order. I'm sure you guys can figure out some after school work or something like that he can do to pay off the fine.

 

[poohbear1029]

I agree with the letters of apology (handwritten, not typed, he has to write it for each place he's sending it to instead of just printing two copies) and the volunteering. I also agree with making him work it off, don't let him use Christmas/birthday/allowance money that's easy to get.

I applaud you for thinking it over and cooling down before offering the punishment, I wouldn't be so even tempered.

I got the letter idea from DH's escapades actually......when he was about 8-9 and living on the Cape he and two friends set a dry field on fire....why, who knows.....but it turned into a pretty good brush fire.....his Mom made him write a letter to the fire department apologizing for his actions!

On a happier and more hopeful note....it was his only "crime" (other than speeding tickets). With the right punishment, your son can learn from this and maybe open his eyes that it isnt as cool as it looks to fall into peer pressure!

 

[MagicKingdom05]

Lewisc,

I'm not surprised at all if the supermarket is pressing charges. To them it doesn't make a difference if it's a $100 electronic item or a .60 can of soda, it's still stealing from the store. Do I agree with it, not at all but shoplifting costs stores millions and millions a year and that's why those shoplifting warning signs are posted.

 

[Lewisc]

Lewisc,

I'm not surprised at all if the supermarket is pressing charges. To them it doesn't make a difference if it's a $100 electronic item or a .60 can of soda, it's still stealing from the store. Do I agree with it, not really but that's why they have those shoplifing signs up warning people.

My question was more about the DA and local courts. I wouldn't think they'd have the resources to prosecute.

 

[Hermosa11]

This is all I gotta say on this subject...........

I am 49............during the summer between 8th grade and 9th grade, my friend and I went to mall. We stole something (cannot remember)......got caught.....
her dad picked us up..........I got home. (cannot remember if mom got me at her house or he took me home to my home). Mom was UPSET....cussing , yelling , etc..........I was upstairs waiting for dad to get home. I was sooooo upset. (Just like Christmas Story and he was on the bed waiting for his dad to come home).....................He came upstairs,,,,not sure what I said but he just took me in his arms and gave me the hug I will never forget. I am sure I was never allowed to associate with that friend.........I had to do some kind of volunteer work for the police ..............end of that moment in life. I will NEVER forget how calm he was and just gave me that hug.

 

[MagicKingdom05]

Lewisc

Very true. I could be wrong, but I think that if the store wants to press charges regardless the amount the item is worth, there isn't much that can be done.