Severe Depression

[CaliforniaDreamin]

Hi Guys, I have been a member of the Disboards for years. It goes back further than my status indicates. I changed my screen name a few years ago. I really go back to April 2005.

Anyway, I feel comfortable "talking" to you guys.
A little history on me: When I was 9 years old, my mom left. No letter, no warning. No phone call. I'm talking straight up abandonment. Me and my dad moved to the town where my grandparents lived. He needed their help watching me, while he was at work 2nd or 3rd shift. So I was living with them about 90% of the time. My grandparents were dry alcoholics. When they were alchoholic, they were so cruel to their children (my dad and his siblings) that it pretty much disrupted every one's life. Well, my dad assumed that since they no longer drank, they would be good to me. WRONG. They were just as mentally abusive to me as they were to their own kids. And my grandmother was an excellent manipulator. She used to blackmail me and scare me into telling my dad that there was no problem This mental abuse happened over a 4 year period, if not a little longer. I finally became old enough to stay at home alone....so life improved dramatically.

The rest of my teen years and early adulthood were happy for me. Around the age of 25 it hit me. Depression came out of no where. That was 11 years ago. My life has never been the same.
I have commited myself twice for evaluations. Last year, I tried to kill myself by OD'ing on pills. I spent 4 days in the critical care unit. And of course, they didn't send me home. I spent 5 days in the psychiatric ward. So that was hell.
I just couldn't take the pain anymore. When I got home, I couldn't leave the house. Couldn't sleep yet I was too tired to function. After about a month and some good counseling, I was able to return to work.

Well, about 2 weeks ago, I began to feel the same. I didn't want to kill myself, but I lost the will to live. I haven't been to work since last Wed. because I can't stand to leave my house.
My husband and my father want very little to do with me. My dad came by my house this morning and said "So, we aren't going to work today?". I told him I couldn't. He slammed the door, and spun gravel getting out of my driveway. My husband doesn't speak to me unless he HAS to. I'm lonely as hell. I have been trying so hard. I have a psychiatrist AND a psychologist that I have been seeing regularly, plus I am being good about taking my meds.
I have hit a brick wall with my family. They are tired of me, and frankly, so am I. My support system is non existant. I am not going to Thanksgiving with my in laws or my dad. I just want to sleep, because when you are asleep, you are in no pain.
Thanks for reading, I'm so hurt but I have no one to turn to. I dread each day. Things get worse and worse. I'm all alone and backed into a corner.
By the way, I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and post traumatic stress syndrome. The only people who believe me are my drs. The psychiatrist said I was one of the most severe cases in the history of his practice. I just wish my family understood.

 

[DisMomme]

No advice, just a hug.

 

[dapoteete]

Looks like you are planning a trip to the POP in 5 months. Think about the magic of Disney. I will be at the POP next week and would love to send you a postcard from the Fairy Godmailer. PM me your infomation if interested.

 

[DipsyDoodles]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I can't imagine what it's like for you. It must be very difficult and lonely right now. You are not alone. I think it is very important that you contact your doctor. I think you should pick up the phone as soon as you read this message and call your doctor. Your medication may need to be adjusted, even if you are taking it exactly as prescribed sometimes you can hit a wall and an adjustment will get you back on the right track. Unfortunately mental illness is something that some people just refuse to try and understand. You know it's real, I know it's real, and your doctors know it's real - that is what is important. Have faith in yourself, you are stronger than you think. Please call your doctor.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I can't imagine what it's like for you. It must be very difficult and lonely right now. You are not alone. I think it is very important that you contact your doctor. I think you should pick up the phone as soon as you read this message and call your doctor. Your medication may need to be adjusted, even if you are taking it exactly as prescribed sometimes you can hit a wall and an adjustment will get you back on the right track. Unfortunately mental illness is something that some people just refuse to try and understand. You know it's real, I know it's real, and your doctors know it's real - that is what is important. Have faith in yourself, you are stronger than you think. Please call your doctor.

I actually had an appt with my psychiatrist this afternoon and my DH went with me. I was hoping that hearing from my psychiatrists mouth how bad I am doing would be a wake up call. Didnt work out that way. My dr upped my dosage on 2 of my medications. He said if this doesn't work, I will have to go into the hospital. He said I will be at the max for these meds, considering my height and weight (I'm petite). I know my dr's believe me, but no one else does. It's so frustating. And to top it all off, my DH is lecturing me about the bills. We are short handed because I haven't been working very much at all. He resents me in every way imaginable. It's like he wants things worse.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

Looks like you are planning a trip to the POP in 5 months. Think about the magic of Disney. I will be at the POP next week and would love to send you a postcard from the Fairy Godmailer. PM me your infomation if interested.

Sending you a PM. Thanks!

 

[DipsyDoodles]

I'm sorry your husband is not supportive. I also would have thought hearing it from the doctor would have opened his eyes. Please know that I am here for you should you need to talk. You are NOT alone.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

I'm sorry your husband is not supportive. I also would have thought hearing it from the doctor would have opened his eyes. Please know that I am here for you should you need to talk. You are NOT alone.

My DH seems to be a bit nicer this morning. He hugged me as I cried. My dad, on the other hand, is the opposite. This is the email I received from him last night.

There's no need for a reply. When you have worked 80 scheduled hours and can offer proof, when you have made all of your doctors appointments and can offer proof, than I'll believe you're trying.
You can tell any and everyone how I have ruined your holidays and your life, I no longer care.

You could have made work. If you lose your job, it will be because you misused your medical leave. If you lose your job, you'll lose your house.




Ok, reading this, I think he wants me to hurt myself. I wish he would just leave me alone instead of writing crap like this. It's so hurtful. Add this in with the way my DH is treating me, and raising teenagers, paying the bills (last year, when I was in ICU, I borrowed a phone so I could pay the bills in time), and work that is increasingly stressfull...well, no wonder I'm strained and stress and I cry.

 

[quasar4legs]

I am so sorry to hear that you are facing these ongoing health issues, it must be very difficult to deal with your depression.

I am sending you a BIG Koala cuddle from down under.
Be kind to yourself and remember you can always come here to have a chat or a cuddle if you feel sad.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

Thank you to everyone for their hugs and support. Yesterday was an exceptionally difficult day as I was alone all of Thanksgiving day. I wish someone would pay attention to those darn depression commercials that run all the time around the holidays.I feel like saying " cant you see, I am these people"!!??? Just about every symptoms these actors have, I have. I am just dying for someone to believe.

 

[skatermom]

I know far too much about depression as I have a family history and have gone through times of depression when I could not get out of bed for days at a time....When I was a child and my mother was severley depressed and I couldn't undertand why...as a young adult I would get mad at her and tell her to snap out of it and that she had no reason to be depressed...I did not understand at that time that it was an imbalance and something she couldnt control...after experiencing it myself, I get it...so bear in mind the people in your life just don't understand what you are going through, Hang in there and fight as best you can to get through each day...don't beat yourself up over this and do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better...keep seeking outside help until things improve...are there any support groups in your area?? You owe it to yourself to do what is best for YOU and remember this is a tough time of year for those of us that suffer from depression.

 

[minkydog]

CD, I can feel the pain you're in. People who have never suffered depression(or haven't recognised that they have depression) really don't get it. It's not something you can talk your way out of, think your way out of or work your way out of. When it gets this bad, medication and hospitalization are the only things that help. It really sad that your dad is jerking your around, but it's unconcionable that your husband isn't in your corner.

I have suffered with depression for 37 years. Last year I went off the deep end and ended up in the psych hospital for 8 days. Not a horrible experience, but certainly no fun. They did save my life, however. And I finally got properly diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Unfortunatly, I wasn't aggressively treated(had a crappy psychiatrist) and I ended up crashing again in Feb. THIS time I ended up in the hospital for 7 WEEKS. It was very very hard, but the investment has been worth it. For the first time in my adult life I don't think about killing myself daily. I haven't been able to work since my breakdown and it has taken literally months to get happy, but I AM having happy days now. I'm very grateful that my husband is supportive. If he were not I think I would probably have relapsed by now.

Every now & then I have to have the meds tweaked. I got manic the first of October and started doing some risky things. Fortunately my doctor hopped right on it and i didn't have to be rehospitalized. But I know that there is a strong possibility that there will be another hospitalization in my future.

I hope you can get the help you need and if it means a short stay and intensive therapy, that might be the best thing. Your father is being an a**h***. Perhaps it's time to put him on ignore. Hopefully, your husband will come around. I'm sure he is upset and worried about you, about money, about the future. He's acting out and it's not fair to you. Nobody would every choose to be depressed. It's the most painful experience.

Please take care of yourself, and if things get bad don't hesitate to call your doctor.

 

[redrosesix]

California, you know we're always here for you.

I think the most important thing is that you understand that it is depression, and that you're working with your doctors. If you weren't married, if you had never known your father, you would likely still have it and would have to do the same things to deal with it.

I don't know what to say about your DH -- some people only hear what they want to hear. As for your father, frankly I'm not surprised by his behaviour after what you wrote about his family. Just be happy you didn't turn out like him.

And Minkydog, your post was wonderful : Most people know somebody who is or has suffered from depression, but some don't want to accept -- I always wonder why.

 

[drstreet]

Don't give up. I don't have depression, but I have been dealing with it for many years with my husband. He was originally diagnosed in the late 80's. In '07 he had two brain tumors removed and things have gone extremely bad for him. They got out the tumors but his depression is more than he can cope with. He, like you just wants to sleep. He can sleep 20 or more hours a day. I can't say I know what is going on in his head, but I keep trying to understand. I do make him get up everyday, but it's hard. You seem to have some understanding on what's going on. If you don't have anyone to make you get out of that bed, just try to motivate yourself to get up for an hour. Do something for just a few minutes of that time. Try not to worry about what other people are thinking about you. Many times people don't understand that you can't do anything. They think your being lazy or something, but I do know that it is very difficult for someone that is so depressed to get or keep motivated. Just don't give up on yourself. My husband has been hospitalized for his depression 3 times. I wish you luck.
Penny
I don't have enough post to leave my e-mail. If you'd like send me yours

 

[happymommy]

Just wanted to offer a big hug!


I have had depression since I was 16, and as a child of an alcholic and a passive agressive enabler, I know how awful it is. Went away to college at 18 to end up in the hospital there.

One word: your dad isn't helping. He is being a jerk. He seems to think it's about him, you blame him, whatever. After that email, I would say I give you permission to say in your mind that you don't care what he thinks. You don't have to live with him forever. You may live with your husband, and you will live with yourself. I know it's hard, as sometimes things others say can really get to you deep, but your dad does not understand, and probably never will.

Maybe you would be better off distancing yourself from him. I would.

I know the holidays can be the worst time of the year, but I hope that you can find comfort.

You are going back to WDW? That is truly something to look forward to!!

 

[cbg1027]

I know what you're going through! I've struggled with depression for 13 years now.

2008 was one of my worst years ever - I was hospitilized twice, and went on and off several different meds. I tried seeing 2 different therapists, and neither of them were helpful. To top off my own issues, my father died and my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.

After a year from you know where, I finally just kind of gave up on doctors, medications, and therapists, in addition to life in general. Now, I know stopping treatment and medications cold turkey is not the best way to do things. But you know what? I am now off any and all medications and I feel better than I have in....well since I can remember! I'm in no way at 100%, but I'm slowly trying to work my way there.

My only theory is after 13 years and 20 different meds, my body was whacked out and just didn't know what to make of itself anymore with all the different chemicals coming and going and being combined.

I don't think stopping the meds is the only thing that has made me feel better....what else has, I don't know.....but maybe it's something you could talk to your doctors about trying?

If you've been on meds for so long you don't know what "you" are like anymore, perhaps it would help to be off them so you can a)see if it helps, and b) establish a baseline of what your moods and behaviors are without anything foreign in your system.

Good luck, we're here for you!

 

[rie'smom]

OP, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. In the past, I checked myself into the psych hospital 2x for depression. You might want to ask either your psychiatrist or your family doctor to run a total T3 and T4 to check your thyroid levels. Since adding the thyroid meds to my antidepressant, I feel so much better.

 

[kdzgon]

My DH seems to be a bit nicer this morning. He hugged me as I cried. My dad, on the other hand, is the opposite. This is the email I received from him last night.

There's no need for a reply. When you have worked 80 scheduled hours and can offer proof, when you have made all of your doctors appointments and can offer proof, than I'll believe you're trying.
You can tell any and everyone how I have ruined your holidays and your life, I no longer care.

You could have made work. If you lose your job, it will be because you misused your medical leave. If you lose your job, you'll lose your house.




Ok, reading this, I think he wants me to hurt myself. I wish he would just leave me alone instead of writing crap like this. It's so hurtful. Add this in with the way my DH is treating me, and raising teenagers, paying the bills (last year, when I was in ICU, I borrowed a phone so I could pay the bills in time), and work that is increasingly stressfull...well, no wonder I'm strained and stress and I cry.

My heart goes out to you - I understand much of what you are going through as I too have struggled with some deep depressions from both sides of that awful fence.

You need to find your inner strength in order to take some first steps towards change. It's definitely there, based on both your survival through your childhood as well as the fact you could - and did - handle family responsibilities even during some of your darkest moments.

My suggestions would include:

Delete your father's emails without reading, don't take his calls or engage in useless conversations with him. Star this IMMEDIATELY. Just as your depression is real, his inability to be a father (no matter the underlying reason) is also very real. Unfortunately, it is a toxic relationship for you, at least right now. You cannot "fix" him, but it is not your responsibility to be his foil either. Your job right now is to do what is best for YOUR mental health, especially as your mental health is also a critical requirement for your immediate family (ie, your DH and kids, if any). We cannot help anyone until we help ourselves first - you need your stronger self to re-emerge first.

I would suggest getting a second opinion, especially as you are maxing out on your meds. If your drs are truly as wonderful as you say, they will not feel threatened by a fresh pair of eyes on your situation. There are sooo many different meds available nowadays perhaps a different drug and/or combo might be more productive. (I tend to agree with the OP that perhaps you need to back off the meds first and get an idea of your baseline, but I am in no way a medical professional.) Even if the diagnosis and recommended treatment is exactly the same, the second opinion may help your DH to accept the realities of your disease. I also think some counseling for your DH would be helpful. As difficult as your depression is for you to deal with, it is difficult for others as well. The complications in life that result from dealing with any serious medical issue are as real as the diseases themselves. He needs to find a way to deal with his anger and fears on his own - again, cruel as it may sound, it's not your job to "fix" him, either. You can support him, but he must confront (and deal with) his feelings on his own.

I apologize if this part sounds harsh, but please realize that depression can be habit forming. (Again, speaking from experience here.) There was a recent study that had people suffering from severe depression keep a journal: every day they had to list five good things that happened in their lives that day. It didn't matter if the "good thing" was big or small (eg, just being able to get out of bed can be a triumph on some days), but they did have to list at least five each day. (In some of my darker times, my list could include things such as "I answered the phone once today".) The control group received intensive psychotherapy. In just six weeks, the journaling group showed significantly more improvement over the group receiving therapy. I am NOT trying to suggest it is "all in your head" or that you can "think" or "write" your way out of your funk - I am just suggesting that specifically looking for some "good" in your life can be a helpful tool to add to your arsenal of weapons to fight this battle.

Work stress? Time for the serenity prayer. Try to believe in yourself, and do the best job you can. Write down a plan for the day - once again, it has been proven that we accomplish MUCH more if we write down our goals. Keep it simple at first - list specific tasks rather than abstract goals - crossing things off our "to do" lists creates a sense of accomplishment, helping us move forward and feel better about ourselves. If you think you know what needs to be done but simply cannot complete it all, ask for help.

Remember, we are all a "work in progress". These suggestions may take time to implement, although I would suggest deleting those emails (without reading!) and listing 5 good things per day should start immediately.

Good luck to you and as others have said, know that you are not alone in this struggle - we're here for you!

 

[minniebeth]