Separating school discipline from home...

[mybabesuz]

Any advise out there...

I'm finding myself very frustrated with my son's school lately.
I have three older kids, the last one graduated High School last year, so I'm not really new at this.
I have two younger kids, one just started Kindergarten.

His teacher has been out for two weeks and will be out again next week.
They won't give out any information as to when she will be returning or why she is out.
My son is really stressed out about it.
He even woke up crying two nights this week saying his teacher is dead.
I understand respecting the teachers privacy but I wish they would give us some clue as to when she might return.
They were very rude when I asked if they knew when she might be coming back
or if she was taking an extended leave.
They said they just can't comment on the situation.


Then... I'm having an issue with their method of discipline.
They have smiley faces. They start the day with a smiley face.
Then they change it to a yellow warning face.
And then to a Blue sad face... which is a call home.
So two days this week DS got a call home.
I talked to him about what happened but he's FIVE.
He really can't have a big conversation about it.
I am worried that he is going to think a call home is no big deal.
I really don't want to get on him right when he comes home.
I just feel like they should do more to handle the discipline at school.
I don't feel that I should have to discipline him at home for something that happened at school.
Plus a five year old is not really going to make the connection 4 hours later.
Am I supposed to punish him at home for something he did 4 hours earlier at school?
Can someone explain the best way to handle "The call home"
Thanks
Suz

 

[auntie]

Same age difference here. We had one graduate and one start the same year too.
Honestly..by the time the youngest one started..I didn't get my panties in a bunch over much. What can ya do..he's FIVE. Don't worry about it. When his teacher gets back to class you'll have a better idea of what's really going on in the classroom and what's expected. He's got too much going on. I'm not sure what it is he's actually doing. Only I do agree that if he's doing something he shouldn't..it should be addressed at the time he's doing it. Again..he's FIVE.

 

[Ceila]

Any advise out there...

I'm finding myself very frustrated with my son's school lately.
I have three older kids, the last one graduated High School last year, so I'm not really new at this.
I have two younger kids, one just started Kindergarten.

His teacher has been out for two weeks and will be out again next week.
They won't give out any information as to when she will be returning or why she is out.
My son is really stressed out about it.
He even woke up crying two nights this week saying his teacher is dead.
I understand respecting the teachers privacy but I wish they would give us some clue as to when she might return.
They were very rude when I asked if they knew when she might be coming back
or if she was taking an extended leave.
They said they just can't comment on the situation.


Then... I'm having an issue with their method of discipline.
They have smiley faces. They start the day with a smiley face.
Then they change it to a yellow warning face.
And then to a Blue sad face... which is a call home.
So two days this week DS got a call home.
I talked to him about what happened but he's FIVE.
He really can't have a big conversation about it.
I am worried that he is going to think a call home is no big deal.
I really don't want to get on him right when he comes home.
I just feel like they should do more to handle the discipline at school.
I don't feel that I should have to discipline him at home for something that happened at school.
Plus a five year old is not really going to make the connection 4 hours later.
Am I supposed to punish him at home for something he did 4 hours earlier at school?
Can someone explain the best way to handle "The call home"
Thanks
Suz

First, just breathe! It will all turn out OK. You know this - you're a mom - you've been through kid issues before!

The school really can't tell you what's going on with the teacher - it's her private business, not yours. As for when she'll be back, it's likely that neither the teacher nor the school knows. If there is a medical or family issue, then there's a good chance that the timing can't be known.

It sounds like maybe your son is picking up on your frustration. Just reassure your son that the substitute is happy to be there and that the regular teacher will be back when she can.

As for the discipline, that's how most elementary classrooms that I'm familiar with handle it (I'm a parent and educator). Whether it's smiley faces or green-yellow-red cards, that sounds exactly like what just about every other teacher in the country is doing. The call home is most likely to keep you informed and to let you know what you might need to talk about with your child. No need for further discipline (unless it's something really serious, like hurting another child). I think that the best thing you can do is ask him what happened and talk out some better ways to handle that situation in the future.

 

[monsterkitty]

I'm a teacher and had surgery this week and will be out at least another week. Not sure why the similie in your post, as sometimes there is nothing we can do to prevent a long absence. I did tell my students I would be gone and why, but I didn't have to as it is really none of their business or their parents. Teachers are human and life does get in the way.

That said, being out of my classroom is very stressful for me as I worry about the students. It does affect them as even the best subs don't do things the way the regular teacher does.

My advice on the discipline, talk to your son. Yes, he is five but he should be able to tell you what made him get the blue sad face. He is probably upset about his teacher being gone and it can be stressful for the kids as well. Listen to him and support him. Talk to him about better choices. If the behavior continues when his regular teacher returns, I would have a conference with the teacher to see what is going on. At this point I would not punish him at home, but talk to him instead.

 

[MELSMICE]

Well, as far as the teacher, it stinks that she's out, especially if the young kids were getting attached to her, but it's really no one's business why she actually is out. I would imagine that the school can not give out that information even they wanted to. It's personal.

As far as your son's behavior & getting a call home. I would approach it as, "Gee, buddy, I heard you had a rough day at school today. What happened?" After the conversation about what happened just a, "Let's make tomorrow a better day because it's more fun to talk about a happy day instead of a sad day." At five years old, unless he's acting out & hurting others or himself, that might be all he needs as a reminder to behave & stay on task.

Also, what about your own sticker chart at home. If he has a good day at school & doesn't get a call home he gets a sticker on his at-home chart.

Good luck.

 

[xanphylus]

I wouldn't worry too much about the smiley face phone calls- they get their smiley's changed for some of the silliest things sometimes honestly. My DD used to get hers changed for simply asking a fellow student for a pencil or eraser- they were not allowed to get up to sharpen their pencils.... go figure.
As far as the teacher being gone- my DD's teacher this year was just out for 3 weeks as well, but her students all knew that she was sick and in the hospital. I would probably write a note to the school asking if my kiddo could go see the counselor about his fears of the teacher being dead. I would explain that he has been worrying about it and you feel that it is affecting his grades at school and you are afraid it might escalate. Maybe then they will take you seriously when you ask what is going on. Either way, I would try to explain to the kiddo that probably, either his teacher is sick or a family member is and that he shouldn't worry. Hopefully his teacher will be back soon.

 

[Hannathy]

I guess I'm the only one who thinks getting phone calls home is not something to be ignored! My kids would be in a world of trouble if they got phone calls home and especially 2 in one week. In my kids class a phone call home was not done lightly, it took many many warnings and multiple mis steps in one day to get to that point.

I also disagree that a 5 yr old can't tell you what happened and what they did wrong, he is 5 not 2.

I also think if he misbehaved badly enough in school that they had to call me he would be getting punished at home.

 

[mybabesuz]

I'm a teacher and had surgery this week and will be out at least another week. Not sure why the similie in your post, as sometimes there is nothing we can do to prevent a long absence. I did tell my students I would be gone and why, but I didn't have to as it is really none of their business or their parents. Teachers are human and life does get in the way.

That said, being out of my classroom is very stressful for me as I worry about the students. It does affect them as even the best subs don't do things the way the regular teacher does.

My advice on the discipline, talk to your son. Yes, he is five but he should be able to tell you what made him get the blue sad face. He is probably upset about his teacher being gone and it can be stressful for the kids as well. Listen to him and support him. Talk to him about better choices. If the behavior continues when his regular teacher returns, I would have a conference with the teacher to see what is going on. At this point I would not punish him at home, but talk to him instead.

The sad face is just because DS is sad his teacher is out.
hope you feel better soon.

Well, as far as the teacher, it stinks that she's out, especially if the young kids were getting attached to her, but it's really no one's business why she actually is out. I would imagine that the school can not give out that information even they wanted to. It's personal.

As far as your son's behavior & getting a call home. I would approach it as, "Gee, buddy, I heard you had a rough day at school today. What happened?" After the conversation about what happened just a, "Let's make tomorrow a better day because it's more fun to talk about a happy day instead of a sad day." At five years old, unless he's acting out & hurting others or himself, that might be all he needs as a reminder to behave & stay on task.

Also, what about your own sticker chart at home. If he has a good day at school & doesn't get a call home he gets a sticker on his at-home chart.

Good luck.

Great ideas... Thank You!
We have been thinking about doing a sticker chart at home.
His problems at school have been minor... Being silly, not paying attention ect...
I think I have a class clown on my hands!

 

[Ceila]

I guess I'm the only one who thinks getting phone calls home is not something to be ignored!

It depends on what prompted the call home. Most teachers I know don't call home every time a student gets that third strike. If it happens repeatedly, then yes, of course, they contact the parent. But what the OP described sounds like a lot.

I do think the OP needs to deal with the issue, but like I said, it depends on what happened. Some teachers flip those cards every time a child talks out of turn (which still happens a lot this early in the year for kindergartners). Others use it for more serious infractions. It just depends on the situation.

Luckily, our kids are pretty well-behaved. But my husband and I have a policy with the kids about punishment from school. If something happened at school and they tell us about it up front, then there are no additional consequences at home. If they have an opportunity to tell us but we find out some other way (i.e., contact from the teacher), then the punishment would be doubled at home. That only happened once with DS and never with DD. As I mentioned in my first post on this thread, this wouldn't apply to a serious issue - if they had ever hurt another child intentionally there would most definitely be consequences at home.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I think it is important to reinforce discipline from the school at home. Ignoring or countering the teachers and administration will just lead your child to become disrespectful, and cause more problems later. Unless you don't agree that your child was in the wrong, in which case you may want to consider changing schools.

If you don't know WHY your son was disciplined, you should ask when the school calls you at home.

 

[mumom95]

I guess I'm the only one who thinks getting phone calls home is not something to be ignored! My kids would be in a world of trouble if they got phone calls home and especially 2 in one week. In my kids class a phone call home was not done lightly, it took many many warnings and multiple mis steps in one day to get to that point.

I also disagree that a 5 yr old can't tell you what happened and what they did wrong, he is 5 not 2.

I also think if he misbehaved badly enough in school that they had to call me he would be getting punished at home.

You are not the only one. My kids have known from the first day of kindergarden that if I get a call home about a discipline issue the punishment at home will be much harder than anything they would have gotten at school. And guess what, I've never gotten a call. They have a card flipping system in our district (I have a 5th and 4th grader) and neither one has ever had to flip one card (we don't get a call home until they have flipped 3 cards in one day).

 

[Hannathy]

You are not the only one. My kids have known from the first day of kindergarden that if I get a call home about a discipline issue the punishment at home will be much harder than anything they would have gotten at school. And guess what, I've never gotten a call. They have a card flipping system in our district (I have a 5th and 4th grader) and neither one has ever had to flip one card (we don't get a call home until they have flipped 3 cards in one day).

I do have to admit to getting one phone call from school about my
DD in kindergarten. She supposedly kissed a fellow boy kindergartener on the bus on the way to school! When I got the call I was like oh I'm going to kill her what did she do and then I hear the story and then I said I know it is only kinder and the first week of school but you better learn the kids a bit quicker.
see there were 2 little girls with the same first name in her class BUT this is what is important my DD didn't ride the bus she walked to school! She graduated last year and that was the only call I ever received from school about behavior.


I agree with another poster when they call they don't tell you what he did? and you don't ask?

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I think it's important to reinforce skills or behaviors at home as well as at school. I work with 3, 4 and 5 year olds and we tell the parents what we're working on with their child in their weekly communication books. At that age (even in kinder) it's important to target one behavior at a time. It's hard to suddenly tell a young child to walk in the classroom, stay in his chair, use an indoor voice, sit up straight, etc. We choose the one thing that's creating the biggest issue and work on it until the child gets the hang of it. Then we target something else. If I was getting calls from school, I would find out exactly what my child was doing and try to help modify the behavior at home. As we often tell parents, we only have their child for 15 hours a week. They're at home for the other 153!

 

[NHdisneylover]

First, I am sorry the teacher is out. That is hard on the kids--but it is also unavoidable at times and you just have to deal with it as best you can. I do agree that if it is truly upsetting your son then you may want to ask the counselor to work with him.

The rest of your post really bothers me though. I think you (and several other posters) are really underestimating kids. By 5 years old a child CAN connect a punishment that happens after school with what happened during the school day and he CAN tell you what led up to getting that sad face (though very possibly he may not know WHY he acted out). TODDLERS need immediate consequences--your child is not a toddler and does not need to be treated as one.

I would get as much information as possible from the teacher during the call home. Find out from him/her WHY the face changed to yellow and then again why to blue. Ask how disruptive the behaviour is and if warning are being given. Ask if s/he sees an intent to misbehave or sees a child not remembering to stay in control. Ask, ask, ask.

Then take that information and do something about it. Take that information and then USE it. It might be that your little guy just needs some loving guidance and reassurence and myabe some more instruction in how to handle himself in a group. He may need some sterness and knowledge of conssitent consequences he will enouncter once at home when he causes trouble at school. Not knolwing what is going on, I can't say.

As far as teh discipline happening at shcool--well honestly there is not much they can do there. Hands are pretty well tied. Many schoosl cannot even use timeout any more (and for ME and my DD that was a reward--time away from the noisy group of kids), kindergarten often does not have recess to miss (or that is the ONLY chance the teachers have to get things done, use the restroom, etc so they are not available to supervise), etc. SO then in reality the consequence falls to the parents (who have the time, the ability to take things away or stand someone in a corner or send then to their room or whatever and who MOST IMPORTANTLY know what works with their child.

 

[emma'smom]

The way I see it, I'm happy to have a conversation with my child about any behavioral issue that comes up at school as long as it seems reasonable.

However, if I started getting phone calls everyday, I would start to wonder what's going on at the school that they don't seem to be able to implement an effective discipline/classroom management plan (particularly if this seems to be a big contrast to how my child has behaved in other classroom settings--ie. preschool).

However, if the school is plugging in temporary subs to cover the teacher being out...you might not have the most experienced sub in the class right now (or the sub may not be comfortable with changing management strategy systems in someone else's class).

 

[ajk912]

I guess I'm the only one who thinks getting phone calls home is not something to be ignored! My kids would be in a world of trouble if they got phone calls home and especially 2 in one week. In my kids class a phone call home was not done lightly, it took many many warnings and multiple mis steps in one day to get to that point.

I also disagree that a 5 yr old can't tell you what happened and what they did wrong, he is 5 not 2.

I also think if he misbehaved badly enough in school that they had to call me he would be getting punished at home.

Ditto. There isn't much they can do to punish a kindergartener at school, so you (general you) have to step in and help to ensure it won't happen again. What are the school punishments, threaten to talk to parents, take away recess (most schools don't do this anymore), detentions, suspensions, expulsions (most schools don't do detentions in K, and I don't think you would be happy if they suspended him). I remember when I was a kid we would be spanked at school, but they don't do that at schools anymore, THANKFULLY.

So what are they supposed to do to handle this at school? Whatever the infraction is, it really needs to be fixed at home.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If the teacher or principal can not provide info about the specific situation re: your son, and the original teacher... then I would not be the least concerned about punishing my child when I don't even know how, or why, there is a problem.

Yes, there are effective classroom and behavior management methods.

If their idea of classroom management and discipline is to call almost daily and berate the parent over the phone about the child's behavior... then that, IMHO, is not acceptable. NOT at all.

OP, sorry your son is suffering thru this.

Given your post about his thoughts and behaviors, it seems that he is having some issues with stress and especially anxiety. The teacher and the school do not seem to have any idea on how to handle this. It sounds like there might be something going on in the classroom that your son is having a real problem with. It would occur to me that your son is having so much anxiety, thinking that his first teacher might not come back, because there is something going to upset him with the new teacher.

I would be scheduling a face-to-face meeting with the sub and the principal. And, if this does not help to alleviate the situation, then you really are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

[Pembo]

What did the teacher say when you got the "call home"? Why was his card turned? And then I'd ask, what can we (meaning you and the teacher) do to improve his behavior?

Be in strong communication with the teacher. My son had many "red" days in kindergarten. We talked with the teacher regularly about how to help him.

Best of luck and I hope the teacher is back in the classroom soon. I know when my son's teacher had a stroke, the school let us know that she would be out of the classroom for awhile and that the same person would substitute.

 

[mjkacmom]

BTDT with 5 five year olds - the phone call is the punishment, letting you know, and the child know that you know, that he wasn't well behaved. We had a first grade teacher who was probably out at least half of the year, and ended up passing away the following year. The only way I knew if there was a sub was by asking ds.

 

[mybabesuz]

I do have to admit to getting one phone call from school about my
DD in kindergarten. She supposedly kissed a fellow boy kindergartener on the bus on the way to school! When I got the call I was like oh I'm going to kill her what did she do and then I hear the story and then I said I know it is only kinder and the first week of school but you better learn the kids a bit quicker.
see there were 2 little girls with the same first name in her class BUT this is what is important my DD didn't ride the bus she walked to school! She graduated last year and that was the only call I ever received from school about behavior.


I agree with another poster when they call they don't tell you what he did? and you don't ask?

What did the teacher say when you got the "call home"? Why was his card turned? And then I'd ask, what can we (meaning you and the teacher) do to improve his behavior?

Be in strong communication with the teacher. My son had many "red" days in kindergarten. We talked with the teacher regularly about how to help him.

Best of luck and I hope the teacher is back in the classroom soon. I know when my son's teacher had a stroke, the school let us know that she would be out of the classroom for awhile and that the same person would substitute.

I never said I didn't know why he was in trouble.
I always talk to my son when he gets home about his day.
And he always tells me what "face" he ended the day with.
I also volunteer in his class one morning a week.
So I see what is going on.
When his real teacher was there, he had no issues with behavior.
The infractions are minor, laughing at another child, stepping out of line in the hallway, general fooling around with other kids.
The sub doesn't have great control over the class.
The kids are all fooling around.
I talk to my son and he kept saying, other kids were doing the same thing...ect
I know this is no excuse and I told him so.
My son, unfortunately is an extreme follower!
If he sees another kid do something he has to do it.
If a kid is rolling around instead of sitting listening to the teacher, he will do it to.
If a kid throws a paper ball, he will do it to.
I have talked to him over and over about it.
I know this is something important we need to work on.
I just don't agree that ALL the discipine should be put on me at home.

Ditto. There isn't much they can do to punish a kindergartener at school, so you (general you) have to step in and help to ensure it won't happen again. What are the school punishments, threaten to talk to parents, take away recess (most schools don't do this anymore), detentions, suspensions, expulsions (most schools don't do detentions in K, and I don't think you would be happy if they suspended him). I remember when I was a kid we would be spanked at school, but they don't do that at schools anymore, THANKFULLY.

So what are they supposed to do to handle this at school? Whatever the infraction is, it really needs to be fixed at home.

again...
I guess I don't understand why they can't discipline at school?
Why can't they have time outs or make the kids sit outside the classroom door like they used to.
I really don't think punishing a five year old 4 hours after he does something stupid is fair.
In this day, for some kids, "Behave or I'm going to tell Mommy" means nothing.
So how do they control those kids?