Separate beds?

[MrVisible]

This article in the New York Times got me thinking. My beloved partner has a years-long history of sleep problems, and was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea. He sleeps with a CPAP machine on, and still occasionally has nights where he wakes up exhausted.

I love sleeping next to him, but I realized that those little annoyances like bedsheet piracy and the occasional nudge might be contributing to his sleep deficit. And it occurred to me that Ward and June Cleaver had a solution to this.

I also recalled that, on our Disneyland trips, we get separate beds because we're expecting to be exhausted, and that we sleep pretty well there. But that could just be the Disney thing.

We talked a while this afternoon about ditching the California King and going to a pair of extra-long twin beds. He seemed to be pretty happy about the idea.

I'm looking for a bit of reassurance, I guess. My idea of a relationship has always included sleeping with my partner, and the Ward and June image I get from separate beds is, frankly, disturbing. But there's something appealing about having my own sleep space without have to worry about my restlessness waking up my beloved spouse.

I am a bit worried about the possible lack of intimacy this implies. I'm sure we'll still snuggle, but I wonder what we'd be losing if we took this step.

Do you sleep with your partner? Would you ever consider sleeping separately?

 

[Arvandor_Ilfirin]

I think that this might be a very good choice for you. While I understand your fear of this creating an intimacy barrier, think of it this way-- When you're exhausted and have had a terrible night's rest, you usually feel well, not so 'in the mood'...For him, this will help his health, his life, and improve his overall mood in general. Yes, you will sacrifice the closeness of sharing a bed at night, but in return you're getting something much more beneficial. Besides, you can always find more inventive ways and places to snuggle and start planning special occasions to celebrate just being together!

 

[mcco5543]

My parents, whome neither of which have sleep issues, Just like not being disturbed when they sleep. So they have twin mattresses on a queen size bed frame. They can move around all they want and it doesn't bother the other. Have you tried that?

 

[Kate70410]

Actually, my partner and I have discussed doing the same thing. Like your partner, I too have horrible sleep apnea with asthma on top of it. It not only affects my sleep but keeps my DP up as well, wondering if I'm going to die in my sleep or something. I love sleeping with her though, nothing replaces being able to cuddle with her after a long day at work. Right now we can't afford to buy two new beds but I'm sure when we can, that is the first thing that will be discussed. As my partner posted above, her parents use two mattresses on a queen bedframe and that seems to work for them. I'm also worried about the barrier of intimacy but like the other previous poster wrote, it's hard to be intimate when you're exhausted all the time, which seems to be happening a lot lately. Let me know how it works for you as we may try the same thing.

 

[Viki]

Great post! I, too, have a sleep disorder - not sleep apnea - alpha wave pattern sleep disorder that inhibits deeper, restorative levels of sleep and while we haven't yet, the idea of twin beds has a certain very real appeal.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Sleeping in twin beds for the reasons you describe is not a threat to your strong relationship. {{{hugs}}}

You are both still in the same room, and still share all the intimacies that make a relationship loving.

There is much more to love, and respect and honor, and long term committment than elbowing one another in the night, eh?

 

[IcicleM]

My family had let me bring my boyfriend to Disney with us, before, and we stayed at our house down there, where we had to sleep in a room with two twin beds, and at night, I COULDN'T sleep without him next to me. So, during the night, I just crawled in bed with him, and wrapped my arm around him, and he whispered "I was waiting, I couldn't sleep either" That bed was so small, too, dang...

If you're used to sleeping with your man, and you both feel better that way, then see how you guys deal with two double beds. They're large enough for both you and him to get your room and rest by yourselves, but if you ever get lonely, at least you or him can crawl in bed with the other. I don't know, I guess it really all depends.

 

[isla bonita]

That was my idea also if the room is big enough get the bigger beds so you have a choice.

 

[Kate70410]

My family had let me bring my boyfriend to Disney with us, before, and we stayed at our house down there, where we had to sleep in a room with two twin beds, and at night, I COULDN'T sleep without him next to me. So, during the night, I just crawled in bed with him, and wrapped my arm around him, and he whispered "I was waiting, I couldn't sleep either" That bed was so small, too, dang...

this reminds me of nights during college LOL That was a fun time but for some reason, I never had a problem sleeping then..oh to be young like that again! lol

 

[Kate70410]

[[/B][/B]

Sleeping in twin beds for the reasons you describe is not a threat to your strong relationship. {{{hugs}}}

You are both still in the same room, and still share all the intimacies that make a relationship loving.

There is much more to love, and respect and honor, and long term committment than elbowing one another in the night, eh?

so true, I agree, and if you're sleeping better, that can only help your relationship in the long run. You tend to get along better and be able to make better decisions when you're rested and not exhausted all the time. She still has to put up with my snoring, but hey..the ear plugs seem to be working wonders with that!

 

[Viki]

Curiously, I read an article yesterday that said more and more younger couples are building homes with separate bedrooms for the purpose of strengthening their marriages.

 

[DVCajun]

So, during the night, I just crawled in bed with him, and wrapped my arm around him, and he whispered "I was waiting, I couldn't sleep either"

Awww!

Although .... wonder why he waited instead of just crawling in *your* bed??

 

[IcicleM]

Awww!

Although .... wonder why he waited instead of just crawling in *your* bed??

He was always like that, always waiting for me to make that romantic move on him. Like, there would be times when he would lay on the floor in my room looking sad and depressed, and I would ask him "what's wrong?" And he wouldn't answer, so I would ignore him. Then, I would come by and lay on the floor next to him and hold him, and he would push me away and not talk to me, so I would just go back and sit on my bed. Then he would like, twist his leg around to kick my bed, trying to get my attention. Basically, what he wanted was for me to pick him up off the floor, throw him on the bed, and cuddle with him. He was always so stubborn... I hated it, and I miss it all the same...

 

[DVCajun]

He was always like that, always waiting for me to make that romantic move on him. Like, there would be times when he would lay on the floor in my room looking sad and depressed, and I would ask him "what's wrong?" And he wouldn't answer, so I would ignore him. Then, I would come by and lay on the floor next to him and hold him, and he would push me away and not talk to me, so I would just go back and sit on my bed. Then he would like, twist his leg around to kick my bed, trying to get my attention. Basically, what he wanted was for me to pick him up off the floor, throw him on the bed, and cuddle with him. He was always so stubborn... I hated it, and I miss it all the same...

Uh oh. I see past tense being used....

 

[IcicleM]

Yeah... but it's okay... It was over a year ago, and I'm hoping to find a new man to cuddle with in bed when I move down to Florida.

 

[Psychometrika]

Sometimes the separate bedrooms is a great thing.

My husband snores something awful. I think it's the rhythmic snoring that's the worst. I start counting like wiper blades between the short and loud snorts. Then I can never get to sleep.

We're in the same room and separate bed wouldn't help. Separate rooms, now there's an idea.

I wonder if anyone has done any research on the topic of keeping up the premarital encounters (sorry for the euphamism) to after marriage when the mates are in the same or different rooms. Different rooms may actually increase the desire. Interesting question.

Iron bars do not a prison make, nor separate beds a divorce!

 

[suzimar57]

my DH snores too - when we go to WDW, we actually request separate queen beds - he snores, i fidget, we both sleep better.....

 

[Kate70410]

Curiously, I read an article yesterday that said more and more younger couples are building homes with separate bedrooms for the purpose of strengthening their marriages.

a few of our friends have gotten two bedroom apartments for this reason. We are considering moving to a two bedroom apartment just for the added space it would provide. It gives yet another room where you can go just to have some "me" time. We both like some individual space at times and when we get it, it makes us appreciate our relationship together even more, so at the end of the day our relationship is stronger..

 

[hematite153]

We talked a while this afternoon about ditching the California King and going to a pair of extra-long twin beds. He seemed to be pretty happy about the idea.

Since you already (presumably) have a king frame, why not look at a split king mattress? You can then use different sheets (and usually put a gap between them if needed) and be in the same bed. (Has the added advantage that you can get different hardnesses if you find the right store.)

 

[Tinkerboy00]

We have similar problems. The SO has sleep issues. I know sometimes Im partially to blame. But I would miss sharing a bed with him.