Secrets for a long and happy marriage????

[njcarita]

hi guys..... been happily married for 22 years.....but lately have felt somethings not right...... I know marriages have their ups and down...... I just hit 45 and seem to be questioning everything..... my life....career.....me..... etc.....I feel like I went from a young 23 year old to on middle aged mam in a blink of on eye.....I know my husband loves me..... but i don't feel he's in love with me .... just don't see that glint in his eye anymore....I almost feel like I'm the one going thru a mid life crisis......my kids are still young 8,12 &14 so a lot of our energy is spent on them......Just feel a little lonely, lost and neglected.....

 

[ontariomonkey]

That sounds sad We haven't been married as long as you but a weekend away together always does WONDERS for us. So rejuvinating to relax together, eat nice food, etc. I know it's hard with kids but where there's a will, there's a way.

Also, communication is so important, have you talked with him about this? Maybe some counceling (sp) would be useful. Good luck!

 

[Nik's Mom]

I'm about to hit the 40 year old mark and have been happily married for almost 14 years. Marriage has it's ups and downs. It definitely takes work. Dh and I are parents to 2 autistic children, so things are a real challenge at times. But we try real hard to make time for each other. We realize that the divorce rate for parents of special needs children are really high ( I read it's 80%).

I think you guys need a nice, long weekend alone. That has done wonders for us. Pick a nice, romantic hotel and get away from it all. If that doesn't seem to help, then you definitely should consider talking to someone.

 

[golfgal]

That sounds sad We haven't been married as long as you but a weekend away together always does WONDERS for us. So rejuvinating to relax together, eat nice food, etc. I know it's hard with kids but where there's a will, there's a way.

Also, communication is so important, have you talked with him about this? Maybe some counceling (sp) would be useful. Good luck!

I was going to suggest the same thing--even if it is to a hotel in the next town over, spend some time on your marriage and your relationship and you will notice a difference.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It sounds like you need a major re-evaluation and some couple time!!!

In my case, I am feeling the same things... But, it is not just a mid-life crisis... I seriously do not think that my husband has ever had the kind of love for me that I need him to. Looking at his parents... and even back to the very beginning of our relationship... I don't think he is capable. In fact, I know that he isn't. We did a long weekend away a few months ago... and it still wasn't 'there'.

We have a 'good' marriage in all other ways.
We 'go thru the motions'....
But, a good example of us is Vince Vaughn and his wife in the movie 'Couples Retreat'.

 

[Goofycampers]

I can so relate to you, I don't think what you're feeling is uncommon. You're so busy raising a family that you're suddenly middle aged and you're like WTH? I love my husband and I know he loves me but I do at times miss that crazy in love feeling we had when we were young and even though it's a normal progression of a relationship I still miss it.

 

[njcarita]

I can so relate to you, I don't think what you're feeling is uncommon. You're so busy raising a family that you're suddenly middle aged and you're like WTH? I love my husband and I know he loves me but I do at times miss that crazy in love feeling we had when we were young and even though it's a normal progression of a relationship I still miss it.

I think u hit the nail on the nose..... I miss the feeling of being in love......

 

[a1tinkfans]

I think u hit the nail on the nose..... I miss the feeling of being in love......

Make Time to talk with your husband, communication is key. Perhaps a "date night" once a month, or you guys just need some alone time, Now! All marriages are work at times...family...bills...working outside the home, etc etc...so the real question is are you willing to work thru this little bump in the road for your family? You should be happy!!
It reminds me of those that talk about affairs and that they do not realize they are in "fake worlds" no stress, family, bills, kids etc....working on a relationship/marriage does take some work, but marriage is sharing....so get back to sharing with your spouse....you may be just in an "off" mood rather than an actual crisis mode.
I want to wish you good times ahead....you and your family are worth the effort to "feel and be better!" Take a break, make a change, be well and happy!!

 

[SnowWhite607]

It sounds like you need a major re-evaluation and some couple time!!!

In my case, I am feeling the same things... But, it is not just a mid-life crisis... I seriously do not think that my husband has ever had the kind of love for me that I need him to. Looking at his parents... and even back to the very beginning of our relationship... I don't think he is capable. In fact, I know that he isn't. We did a long weekend away a few months ago... and it still wasn't 'there'.

We have a 'good' marriage in all other ways.
We 'go thru the motions'....
But, a good example of us is Vince Vaughn and his wife in the movie 'Couples Retreat'.

Just going thru the motions here too. And I dont want to have time away with him. I'm not even sure I like him and I dont know if he likes me either. And I really dont care.

I am now to the point of resigning myself to the fact that I may have to just grin and bear it for another 9 years til DD goes away to college. I cant imagine it being just the 2 of us here so I dont plan to stay after that.

The one thing I am so afraid of is that DD will not learn how to have a good relationship and marriage by watching us. But I dont know how to make it better or even if I want to. We grate on each other's nerves often, He gets on mine because even though we both have full time jobs, I am expected to do EVERYTHING in the house (laundry, cooking, cleaning, make his lunch daily, etc) and his job after work is to come home and keep the couch warm till bedtime. I apparently grate on his nerves because I am always "nagging" him to help me and to get up and do something or when I ask him to stop watching TV and pay a little bit of attention to me when I am talking to him or ecause maybe I ask him to something really ridiculous like, oh I dont know, pick your socks up off the living room floor where you left them 4 days ago.

Sorry to hijack your thread, OP. I dont really feel qualified to give advice but I can give you this

 

[ilovejack02]

Just going thru the motions here too. And I dont want to have time away with him. I'm not even sure I like him and I dont know if he likes me either. And I really dont care.

I am now to the point of resigning myself to the fact that I may have to just grin and bear it for another 9 years til DD goes away to college. I cant imagine it being just the 2 of us here so I dont plan to stay after that.

The one thing I am so afraid of is that DD will not learn how to have a good relationship and marriage by watching us. But I dont know how to make it better or even if I want to. We grate on each other's nerves often, He gets on mine because even though we both have full time jobs, I am expected to do EVERYTHING in the house (laundry, cooking, cleaning, make his lunch daily, etc) and his job after work is to come home and keep the couch warm till bedtime. I apparently grate on his nerves because I am always "nagging" him to help me and to get up and do something or when I ask him to stop watching TV and pay a little bit of attention to me when I am talking to him or ecause maybe I ask him to something really ridiculous like, oh I dont know, pick your socks up off the living room floor where you left them 4 days ago.

Sorry to hijack your thread, OP. I dont really feel qualified to give advice but I can give you this

another hijack to respond to Snow white.. Why would you stay... it is our job to teach our children how to have loving relationships, by staying and not trying to fix things, what are you teaching her? That she and you arent worth being happy?
Sorry if that sounds snippy, dont mean it to be , I just feel very passionate about teaching our young girls that they are worth love and happiness and they deserve it and so do their parents.

ANY WAY .. OP , we have been together for going on 17 years. UPS and DOWNS for sure, we are on a upswing right now , last year was rough, but we hung in and how back to a honeymoon time lol. I think this is kinda normal and communication is the key . We are talking more than we ever have and we really seem to like each other more. Its like the more I try to pay attention to what he likes and is interested in , the more he does the same for me.

We have also started putting our needs as a cpl ahead of kiddos more now, kids wont be around forever, I dont want him to be a stranger when I finally have to pay attention to him again.

Good luck, try not to be discouraged and just find a way to move forward together as a happier couple and a happier you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry to continue to hijack...
Wow, SnowWhite!!! They say that there is always somebody who has it worse.... I really feel for you.

DH is not quite that bad. He does make his own lunch!!! But, he was raised by parents who were not emotionally demonstrative at all.... Never emotionally engaged... narcissistic... And, it was Archie Bunker and June Cleaver. The man goes to work... and the woman does EVERYTHING. That is just all that DH has known. He never learned how to boil water... And, why should he learn now.

In our case, the example of Vince Vaughn and his wife in the movie is pretty close. He just thought that he goes to work, puts a paycheck in the bank, and that is his total involvement... She raised the kids without any breaks with him for years.. she is solely responsible for the maintenance and even expensive remodel job on their home... And, he is just dis-engaged.... (Except to be passive aggressive and jump on her about the costs.....) He doesn't want to bother to 'be there'. Anything more is just too much to ask... That is my DH... non-demonstrative and anything more is just too much to ask or expect. He is just too psychologically and emotionally stunted (from his parents) to know how to fully engage and do what is needed as an adult in life and in a relationship. ( it's like inside he is still the little kid with overbearing non-emotional parents. He thinks his responsibility is cleaning up after his lunch, not getting on the ball to get our crumbling driveway replaced, etc.....)

It is just like the counselor told Vince Vaughn and his wife.... Their description of their marriage is just like 'clocking in to to a job'. That really nailed it for me. That really nailed it perfectly.

 

[Wishing on a star]

communication is the key .

I so agree!!!!

But, what do you do when you have one of these men who just won't, and are really incapable of, real communication?


PS: I also very much agree with your post about how this is affecting the daughter.... I can see very much how my attitudes and our communication problems are affecting my son. It worries me. In the case of a young girl growing up thinking that woman are just beasts of burden, that would really be a kicker for me.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

hi guys..... been happily married for 22 years.....but lately have felt somethings not right...... I know marriages have their ups and down...... I just hit 45 and seem to be questioning everything..... my life....career.....me..... etc.....I feel like I went from a young 23 year old to on middle aged mam in a blink of on eye.....I know my husband loves me..... but i don't feel he's in love with me .... just don't see that glint in his eye anymore....I almost feel like I'm the one going thru a mid life crisis......my kids are still young 8,12 &14 so a lot of our energy is spent on them......Just feel a little lonely, lost and neglected.....

I turned 45 last month. My kids are older though, almost 19 and 13.

You have younger kids and they suck the life out of your marriage if you are not careful. Yea, the older ones do too however they drain the money out of your wallet however you become numb to some of the other stuff.

If you don't like how your relationship is communicate with your dh and change it up, start "dating" again.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, let's get this focused back on the OP!!!!

OP, what would your husband think about a weekend getaway? (or even on really nice night out)

What did he do over Valentine's Day, your last Anniversary, etc....

I think it pays to look back and see, without any rose colored glasses, where your spouse really is, and where he is coming from.

 

[mrsklamc]

I highly recommend Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerich. Also- the marriage ALWAYS needs to come before the kids. It's the foundation of your family.

As far as what you are teaching your daughter- yes, she should learn that she deserves to be loved but you also don't want to teach her that walking away during a rough patch is the answer either. I read lately that all marriages go through rough times, and getting a divorce in a rough patch is like cutting off your foot because you have an ingrown toenail.

OP I am also concerned because you mentioned that everything seems 'off.'

I had thyroid cancer and I know how much my hormones being off could mess with reality. Since everything is off, maybe have some of those hormones checked. I have at least one friend who almost walked out on her marriage because her thyroid was failing.

My DH is also a fan of 'laugh your way to a better marriage' at laughyourway.com (I think. Google mark gungor if that's not right)

I hope thinks work out well no matter what you choose.

 

[SnowWhite607]

another hijack to respond to Snow white.. Why would you stay... it is our job to teach our children how to have loving relationships, by staying and not trying to fix things, what are you teaching her? That she and you arent worth being happy?
Sorry if that sounds snippy, dont mean it to be , I just feel very passionate about teaching our young girls that they are worth love and happiness and they deserve it and so do their parents.

ANY WAY .. OP , we have been together for going on 17 years. UPS and DOWNS for sure, we are on a upswing right now , last year was rough, but we hung in and how back to a honeymoon time lol. I think this is kinda normal and communication is the key . We are talking more than we ever have and we really seem to like each other more. Its like the more I try to pay attention to what he likes and is interested in , the more he does the same for me.

We have also started putting our needs as a cpl ahead of kiddos more now, kids wont be around forever, I dont want him to be a stranger when I finally have to pay attention to him again.

Good luck, try not to be discouraged and just find a way to move forward together as a happier couple and a happier you.

Many reasons........we have talked about separation before and he would fight me tooth and nail for custody of my daughter. I am too scared of losing her.

I dont have the money for a divorce or to support myself and my daughter if we did split up, not even with child support, if I did get custody.

I have already had a failed marriage, although it was no fault of my own (I was married to an abusive man). I guess I am just trying not to have 2 strikes against me. And I dont want to feel like I have wasted the last 13 1/2 years of my life.

OP, how about a marriage retreat?? (like where you go away from a weekend to reconnect.....I think I am way past that but it may work for you)

 

[HeatherC]

OP - you're kids are about the same age as mine. What we love to do is go on a date night once a week. Doesn't matter where or when, just go. Even if it is only for an hour or two.

Friday night we had the oldest babysit and we went to a wine tasting and then out to dinner. Had a great time. We weren't even gone long and were home by 9.

Other times we have just called up friends to meet us for drinks and appetizers, visit Home Depot and plan projects, go walking together after work, watch The Office together and talk about how funny and ridiculous it is.

Doesn't matter what you're doing, just that you take the time to do things together separate from the kids. The kids are fine and they will be the ones who up and leave you. You don't want to be staring at each other when that happens thinking.. who is that person?

I know a lot of people who have gotten bored with their marriages and decide it's not worth the effort. My advice to them is always the same....the grass is always greener on the other side...until you get there and step in dog poop!

My philosophy in life is that anything worth having is worth the effort. A great marriage is definitely worth every effort.

Talk to your dh and let him know how you're feeling. You may be surprised that he totally understands and can relate.

Best wishes!!

 

[Sparx]

op:
I took a marriage and family class in college, and my professor was a couple's counselor. He told us that one of the steps he has couples go through when they start to feel the way you described is to plan a date night, and stick to it! You could go get a hotel room a town over, or you could go to dinner, but you need to GET OUT of the house, and do something you don't normally do. Kids are NOT invited. Its a specific time that you plan just for the two of you to be a couple.

Almost all couples go through these feelings at one point or another. Its not the end of the marriage, by any means. Talk to your DH as soon as possible and plan your date night/weekend.

snowwhite:

 

[PixieTopaz]

OP - you're kids are about the same age as mine. What we love to do is go on a date night once a week. !!

When our kids got teen aged we'd drive to the nearby city and play tourist for the day-sightsee, go to a museum, eat lunch at a fancy retaurant-act silly.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

OP... I don't know you and don't think I've ever had a conversation with you, so I don't want anyone to think this is personal. And I admittedly just posted on another thread that I'm single so maybe my opinion might not be worth much.

I don't want to be snarky... but... as I was reading your post, I couldn't help but notice your signature line. I honestly have a hard time with anyone who has a brother, a husband, a father, a son, or a boyfriend saying things like that.

Maybe your husband feels like he's always wrong in your eyes and that's why things feel "off"?

Just a thought, because it really stood out to me as I was reading.

Good luck.