Secondary Infertility

[KWithers]

I don't know if anyone will see this..I'm not sure it matters. I need a place to vent and write my thoughts. We have a daughter who was conceived on the first try in 2008. Fast forward to now..we've had 10 failed cycles trying to conceive a second child. On cycle 11 now. It's so alienating..I feel like none of my close friends can relate or understand what I'm going through. I'm taking medication to get my hormones balanced and the side effects are endless. It's exhausting. My hope has waned. I find it hard to be optimistic. The wacky hormones don't help. I want to share my struggle with friends but I don't want to seem whiny or pitiful (although that's how I feel). I've basically isolated myself from my friends and left Facebook for the time being bc I can't take all the baby pictures and pregnancy announcements. It's even gotten to the point where I can't take seeing pictures of siblings. My friends that have more than 1 kid are hard to hang out with. I never thought I'd get to that point.
I'm just so tired of all the negative tests and getting my hopes up with every "symptom" only to be let down each month. I don't know how much longer I can go through this.

 

[Maverick0980]

It is hard. My wife and I know infertility all too well and we're scared we're heading down the secondary infertility road too. Took us seven years (with one miscarriage) to bring our son into our lives and now we're just barely trying to give him a sibling.
But we still carry that worry that it'll take another couple of years. She does have PCOS so we do know one factor we're fighting. My wife is already getting sensitive to baby birth and pregnancy announcements again.
You're not alone in your feelings and don't feel guilty by having them. It's a tough road to take! Much hugs and good thoughts!

 

[mommasita]

It so does matter.. to you..

I went through the same thing, so I can relate so well.. Like Maverick said, no need to feel guilty... It is emotional, and such a hard time.. It makes it harder when it seems like EVERYONE around us is announcing a birth..

Chime in anytime..

 

[KWithers]

Thank you for the support. I don't know how you had the strength to do this for 7 years! I'm just under a year and already have thoughts of calling it quits. My problem stems from a thyroid disorder. The meds seem to be helping, but they make me very moody and emotional. Hoping this roller coaster ends soon!

 

[wiigirl]

 

[jbish]

It's kind of random that I found your post as I'm never in this forum - so I think I was *meant* to see it. As you can see from my sig, I have 3 beautiful babies. My daughter was conceived (mostly) the old fashioned way. I took some progesterone to "kick start" my cycle after being on BCP for 10+ years. When she was about 18 months old, we started trying again. But I wasn't even having regular cycles. After several months of doing OPKs (and I had to go through a LOT of those buggers because my cycles could go 75-90 days), I started to wonder if I should go see someone. I was worried that a specialist would look at me and just say, you've obviously been able to conceive - what are you doing here?

Well, DH and I went to a reproductive endocrinologist - i.e. fertility specialist and, in our first meeting, based on me answering questions, he said I likely had PCOS. And we started treatments. Eventually, we got pregnant via IUI and now have twin boys as a result.

I totally understand where you're coming from. By the time I got pregnant, I was definitely at the point of not wanting to see baby announcements and stuff. It was hard. Especially hearing about people who were getting pregnant that probably had no real business getting pregnant (in my mind). But secondary infertility IS a thing. But there are ways to deal with it. Have you consulted a RE yet? Might be helpful to do so. I don't know what your situation is, but I will say that it is NOT a cheap endeavor. But it worked for us.

Good luck.

 

[KWithers]

My problem was/is a short luteal phase (late ovulation + short cycle). So if the egg were fertilized, it didn't have enough time to implant. "Normal" time frame for that process is 14 days..mine was 7-8 days, which is considered a defect.
I'm on my 3 rd month of Clomid to correct the problem. It has moved my ovulation up, so that's a plus.
I never really even wanted to be on meds or see the doctor, but then I found out about my defect and the fact that it would be impossible to conceive on my own. So I figured I'd try the meds. It is expensive because insurance won't cover infertility.
I really cannot see myself doing injectables or anything beyond the Clomid. I definitely do not want to be trying for years..it's too stressful and again, expensive.
You mentioned people that don't have any business getting pregnant..the very first month we failed at this, my cousin told me she was pregnant with her 3rd....she'd had her tubes tied 6 months prior. How's that for no business getting pregnant!?

 

[Maverick0980]

My wife didn't respond to Clomid, so she uses Femara. One thing that was a huge help to us is that our OB/GYN would bill everything under "preventative care" or something else our insurance would cover instead of billing it as infertility. Now I don't know if every Dr would do that or if they're supposed to.....(I'd hate to get him in trouble.....)
As for people who have/had no business being pregnant, my wife's, sister has five kids, four from her first marriage (ranging between 21-12 now) and a four year old from another relationship after her divorce. She has told us she has told her two youngest from the marriage she wishes they'd never been born and while she was pregnant with her youngest she contemplated abortion. (We offered sincerely to adopt her.) This all happened before our son came so we were both ready to scream at her for not appreciating what she had. My wife and I have often said we wish God had sent those children to us instead of her.......they'd be loved so much more. (SIL is extremely selfish, only really cares and looks out for herself. Breaks our hearts every time she disappoints her kids.)

 

[KWithers]

Wow, that's very heartbreaking. I feel bad for kids who are treated like they're unwanted. It must be devastating.
I'll tell you, this journey has made me appreciate my daughter so much more! She was conceived on the first try, so while it was exciting it cannot compare to the joy after such a long struggle I'm sure.
Best of luck to you and your wife on your second journey through this.
I'm in the 2 week wait now, so I'm trying to be patient and somewhat hopeful.

 

[JediBonas]

Just wanted to wish you luck! I know how you are feeling, we went through three years of infertility treatments including a miscarriage, IUIs and IVF while all my friends were getting pregnant easily, some on their first try. People who haven't been through it just can't understand. My parents suffered from secondary infertility after having me and finally (nearly ten years later) had my brother. Hugs to you and vent away if you need to.

 

[JediBonas]

My problem was/is a short luteal phase (late ovulation + short cycle). So if the egg were fertilized, it didn't have enough time to implant. "Normal" time frame for that process is 14 days..mine was 7-8 days, which is considered a defect.
I'm on my 3 rd month of Clomid to correct the problem. It has moved my ovulation up, so that's a plus.
I never really even wanted to be on meds or see the doctor, but then I found out about my defect and the fact that it would be impossible to conceive on my own. So I figured I'd try the meds. It is expensive because insurance won't cover infertility.
I really cannot see myself doing injectables or anything beyond the Clomid. I definitely do not want to be trying for years..it's too stressful and again, expensive.
You mentioned people that don't have any business getting pregnant..the very first month we failed at this, my cousin told me she was pregnant with her 3rd....she'd had her tubes tied 6 months prior. How's that for no business getting pregnant!?

If you have a short lutenal phase you should be on progesterone support as well. I'm sure your dr probably does have you on it and you didn't mention it, I'd just hate for someone to be wasting cycles and wanted to just mention in.

 

[KWithers]

Thanks, Jedi! I am on progesterone also. For some reason, my insurance does cover those pills. Thank goodness, because the regular price is $114 for 30! I get it for $4 with insurance.

 

[jbish]

K and Mav - it's disheartening to hear stories like those and I know I heard them, too, while we were waiting to get pregnant. But I do believe that things happen for a reason and that we were meant to have our boys, as twins (as challenging as that is!). I wish you both all the luck. Cherish the child you do have - they really are blessings. K, I hope you find the right mix of meds that help you conceive. Hugs to you!

 

[lisaviolet]

I don't know if anyone will see this..I'm not sure it matters. I need a place to vent and write my thoughts. We have a daughter who was conceived on the first try in 2008. Fast forward to now..we've had 10 failed cycles trying to conceive a second child. On cycle 11 now. It's so alienating..I feel like none of my close friends can relate or understand what I'm going through. I'm taking medication to get my hormones balanced and the side effects are endless. It's exhausting. My hope has waned. I find it hard to be optimistic. The wacky hormones don't help. I want to share my struggle with friends but I don't want to seem whiny or pitiful (although that's how I feel). I've basically isolated myself from my friends and left Facebook for the time being bc I can't take all the baby pictures and pregnancy announcements. It's even gotten to the point where I can't take seeing pictures of siblings. My friends that have more than 1 kid are hard to hang out with. I never thought I'd get to that point.
I'm just so tired of all the negative tests and getting my hopes up with every "symptom" only to be let down each month. I don't know how much longer I can go through this.

I'm sorry for all you're going through and I'm happy to see you have this place with others supporting you and giving you valuable information.

I can and can't relate in your issue and everything that you have gone through - I have always wanted to be a mother and probably won't be and that absolutely saddens me but I did not have to go through the heartbreak and the physical and mental ups and downs of fertility treatments. It must be awful on so many levels.

My heart breaks for one of my good friends. It breaks because she was never able to conceive and chose not to do adoption. BUT IT BREAKS WAY MORE for how this has/and how she has let affect every aspect of her life for decades on end. I listen with an open heart. She still talks. But it really saddens me that it has become this ongoing burden counteractive to the joys of life. Mourning the loss of it is healthy but not infiltrating everything for this long. It's like watching a life where the focus at every turn is this aspect. And that, to me, is a real shame.

________________________________________________-

All the best to you. Here's to a lovely outcome. Reach out to your friends. No friend is a burden to express their sadness and frustration. People need to be needed.

 

[MommyBryn]

Thinking of you, mama!

My first and second both took 18 months to conceive, with 2 losses along the way. While my next two were a bit easier, I lost 5 more babies (a well as one of my tubes) before we got baby number 4. It IS alienating and it is hard. And while I can't say I completely understand how you feel (just seems like everyone processes everything differently and I don't want to cheapen what you're going through), I can absolutely relate to feeling the need to seperate yourself from those who have what you desperately want. I STILL struggle with that (and boy, you'd better believe I'm working on issues with bitterness and jealousy, even this far down the road!) Do not feel guiltly for the feelings you struggle with...for me, at least, those failed cycles felt like they brought their own kind of grief that I had to deal with. It's all very real when you're heart is aching for something. And it's so hard to NOT think about it. That's the killer, I think. I know I couldn't figure out how to distract myself from the desire, the hopes, the disappointment...all of it. I wish there was an optional "off" switch for times like this, where we could just flip it in order to keep going with life- still hoping things would happen, but not be totally and completely consumed with it.

I pray you get your sweet baby soon.

 

[KWithers]

Thank you. . I'm towards the end of the two week wait, so I'm emotionally up and down all the time. I just want the wait to be over!

 

[Aburns8]

Hoping that everything works out for you. We have an 18 month little boy. We started trying for our second 6 months ago with no luck. I have PCOS, but my doctor wants to give it another 3 months before we try Clomid. When I got pregnant with my son I got pregnant twice in 7 months (first one was a miscarriage). And the salt in the wound is my sister is pregnant with her second (and she dumps her son on my parents). I have a fear about secondary infertility issues. I have a cousin who went through it all to have her second.

I hope that you get some good news soon.

 

[KWithers]

Thank you. The last cycle was another failure. I'm in cycle #12 now. Good luck to you, I hope your journey is easier this time!

 

[LBAK]

I just saw this thread and wanted to say to all of you to hang in there! I've been there and it's tough. With me no reason could be found. Got pregnant with my oldest almost right away. Started trying when she was 2 for another and nothing. We went through all the tests and everything. This was years ago so it definitely wasn't as sophisticated as it is now. After 3 years of tests, clomid and progesterone the doctors felt we wouldn't conceive again. I was devestated but I got in the mind set that I had one beautiful happy and healthy daughter and I should be greatful. (Sounds great in theory, I know) Well fast forward to 9 years from when we started trying for numbe 2 and I found myself pregnant! Definitely n ot an age difference I would have picked but it was definitely a miracle to us and if we had to do it all over again, this is a great age difference. I had plenty of time with both girls and they are super close. I am pleased to say they are beautiful young women at 27 & 18. So hang in there and relax everything will work out. Maybe not on your time but definitely on His time.