Second Parent Adoptions

[chell]

Have any of you had to do a second parent adoption? My sister adopted two adorable boys back in 2006. In order for her GF to get all the rights they have to do a second parent adoption which is costing $4000 just for one of the attorneys. Unfortunately when they started this process there was only one judge in this state who would do these adoptions. But now there is another one closer to home who has started doing them, but they have already started the process clear across the state.

Here are a few of the things that tick me off about this process:

The fact that they HAVE to do this in order for my sister-in-law (even though not legally, she is still family to me) to have rights to HER children!

The fact that there are only 2 judges in this entire state who will approve the adoptions.

The fact that one attorney is over $4000! Hopefully my sister's should be less than $1000. *roll eyes**


I have assured my sister that if (God forbid) anything were to happen to her before this adoption was complete that I would do my best to make sure my SIL has full rights to the kids. But it is a shame it has to be this way.

When a man and woman get married and one wants to adopt the other's child it doesn't cost that much, not around here anyway. Shouldn't there be a standard? I know there isn't but still it pisses me off!

Thank you for letting me vent.

Has anyone here been through this? Do you have any tips to offer my sister to help take some of the stress out of this situation?

Any tips on raising an adopted bi-racial child would help too. Last weekend my nephew asked my sister why his skin was darker than hers. She figures it is time to have a talk with him but has no clue what to say.

 

[mykidsintow]

We are hoping to have to do this.

We are currently working on contracts with a surrogate (that happens to be a long time online friend, yaaay internet!). Anyway, since she is unmarried her and my husband will be on the birth certificate. When the baby is born she will terminate her rights and I will do a 2nd parent adoption.

Our surrogate is also a lesbian. She has a bio son with an anon donor. Her partner has a bio daughter (also an anon donor). They are currently going through 2nd parent adoptions of both their children. In their state it would be $1000/child. However, since she works for CPS she has a friend that is helping for $500/child.

For us after the birth of the baby it will be $1500 terminating rights AND the adoption. I should add in both cases we are using the same Attorney (if they all are filing for the same thing to happen there should only need to be 1 atty.... at least in the state we are working in).

The crappy part with all things adoption.... is that laws are different in every state and in many states they vary from county to county. However, regardless of where they are.... $4000 is totally and completely INSANE and totally not acceptable!

 

[OrlandoMike]

I knew we could count on you Beth!

Now tell us your husbands version of the story!

And dont get any points! Is that possible?

 

[mykidsintow]

Hmm I am thinking I am going to choose to just ignore Mike, LOL. I think he is just out to torture straight ppl!

I did forget to add my 2 cents on the color thing. My son was about ohhh.... 3. We were standing in the Kitchen one day and he said "Why am I brown and you are light skinned?" I was *SHOCKED* it came so early, but I KNEW the question would come. I just very casually said "Because your first birth mommy had beautiful brown skin. When you were born she was very sick and could not care for you. Mommy and daddy wanted a wonderful little boy and we were ever so lucky to get you." Of course as time progressed we just elaborated more. He now understands his mommy was sick and in fact died when he was 2. He knows because she died we do not know who his birthfather was. He did comment that he was sad he would never get to see her. I let him know he has 2 older sisters and one day when he has grown up we will help him contact them.... maybe one of them will have a picture he could see.

We are no holds bar, straight forward, explain everything, no secrets kinda family. My son asked a few weeks go why his private grows when he holds it... umm he is 7! I told him. I want all our chidren (regardless of background) to be able to come to us with *anything*. Our kids know their birth stories. Julia knows she is different (we don't say disabled or handicapped, she isn't disabled... more differently-abled) and that we are all so lucky to be different since life would be just awful if we were all the same. I try to be positive when I answer questions, but we are factual, always.

On vacation earlier this month my friend went and her son is mixed (she is a single parent and his dad is completely not involved). He said Jared was brown and he was tan and Julia was light skinned and both mommies are light skinned. He said "Why am I tan anyway? What color makes tan?" She looked at me. I knew it had totally been a point she KNEW was coming and yet she kept avoiding it. I said "Isiah, brown and light mixed together makes tan. Your mommy is light and your daddy is brown." "Oh, well ok, why don't I know my dad, aunt Beth?" (he totally ignored mom and asked ME, lucky ME). I said "Because your mommy wanted a little boy very much. When she got pregnant your daddy was not ready to be a good daddy. When you are older I am sure that maybe he will be ready and you will get to meet him. Sometimes not all people want to be mommies or daddies" So then my 4 yr old daughter pipes in "Yeah my birth mommy was too young and she was not ready either... " On we went to the swimming pool...

When its more casual the kids take it as casual. When you sit them down and make it all a HUGE ordeal they think its a big deal. So in everyday conversation we talk about anything. I don't sit them down for a "big talk" pooey. That just calls attention to it.

My friend thanked me later. I think my kids being there and relating made the blow easier and she was so totally not prepared for that conversation.

Good luck!

 

[chell]

Thanks Beth! It helps to see that other people have been there too and are willing to share. I'm going to share this all with my sister.

In this state they have to have two seperate lawyers for some strange reason. (To suck more money out of them!)

 

[PghLybrt]

Oh the joys of 2nd parent adoption around my neck of the woods......

I have friends who concieved with an anym donor. They started the process with th local judge. He wanted the "father" to terminate his rights. His feeling was just becasue he terminated them in the state he donated he did not terminate them here. !!!! Needless to say the Judge clearly did not want to allow a lesbian couple to have the same rights as anyone else. My friends ended up moving in order to get the adoption done.

 

[Alison_in_Wonderland]

We have! We completed our second parent adoption in January 2007 in Maryland. Each state has different requiements for the home study - some require home visits from a social worker - some don't. Maryland doesn't.

Basically we had to provide a TON of information about our lives (financial, birth certificates, letters from doctors, etc.) The biggest issue was getting all of the paperwork together - it took forever. Once that was done, it was only a month before we had our court date. The actual proceeding was short and sweet (9.15 seconds to be exact per the video recording) to seem my partner the mother (legally) to our twin boys.

We also had to go out of our county to get it done (luckily it was only 30 minutes away) and we paid $3800 - but that included new wills, medical powers of attorney, and the paperwork determining guardianship between the time they were born and the time the adoption went through.

Good luck! PM me with any questions!

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

H
We are no holds bar, straight forward, explain everything, no secrets kinda family. My son asked a few weeks go why his private grows when he holds it... umm he is 7! I told him.

OK - all I have to say is THANK GOD I HAVE GIRLS!!!!!!

 

[Alison_in_Wonderland]

Oh...and another thing. The second parent adoption for gay couples is totally tax deductible (dollar for dollar) where they aren't for straight married couples. I can't remember the rationale - but it worked when our accountant processed our taxes this year! One good thing about nothing being able to be legally married.

 

[hematite153]

I haven't had to go through any of this despite the fact that we are trying to have kids. But, my general sense while reading these stories was "thank God I live in Canada!" (Both of our names will go on the birth certificate when it is first issued.)

I'm so sorry. Your stories sound awful. Here's hoping that the court systems start to recognize what most CPS organizations have already figured out--people in loving relationships make good parents regardless of the gender of their partners. (The CAS foster parent and adoptive parent recruiter around here was actually hired with a mandate to increase the number of GLBTQQ parents they work with.)

 

[chell]

Oh...and another thing. The second parent adoption for gay couples is totally tax deductible (dollar for dollar) where they aren't for straight married couples. I can't remember the rationale - but it worked when our accountant processed our taxes this year! One good thing about nothing being able to be legally married.

Thank you for telling me this. I just called my sister and told her they need to make sure they look into this when they file this year's taxes.

Again, thank you all for your great responses!

While talking to my sister just now I remembered that my youngest nephew told me last weekend that he didn't want to grow up, he wants to stay small forever. Well my sister told me why that is - she traumatized him recently. He saw some hair on her body (you know how you have no privacy with kids!) and he asked what it was. She told him that he would have some when he grows up. She said he was freaking out yelling that he wasn't growing up and he was staying small. I told her I was glad he didn't tell me all that because I wouldn't have known what to say.