SAHM Vent

[jrmasm]

Not a truth. Every working mother I know delegates something. I delegate nothing.

And work full time?

 

[quandrea]

And work full time?

Yes. I school all my children.

 

[Colleen27]

Common sense dictates that if SAHMs have it so hard and it is such a rigorous job, then Working Moms have it harder.....they have to do ALL of that AND have a full time job. Truth.

If that's true they're allowing themselves to be taken advantage of, unless they're single. When I worked DH did a lot more around the house than he does now. If I returned to work there's absolutely no way I'd be doing everything I do as a SAHM plus working 40+ hours a week. He'd have to take on some of the household responsibilities, the kids would be doing more (chores) and/or less (activities), and some things just wouldn't get done to the degree they do now (giving up some of the volunteer commitments, donating outgrown stuff instead of taking the time to sell it, letting the lawn reclaim some of the veggie beds, etc.). There simply aren't enough hours in the week to do ALL of what I do and work full time.

 

[quandrea]

If that's true they're allowing themselves to be taken advantage of, unless they're single. When I worked DH did a lot more around the house than he does now. If I returned to work there's absolutely no way I'd be doing everything I do as a SAHM plus working 40+ hours a week. He'd have to take on some of the household responsibilities, the kids would be doing more (chores) and/or less (activities), and some things just wouldn't get done to the degree they do now (giving up some of the volunteer commitments, donating outgrown stuff instead of taking the time to sell it, letting the lawn reclaim some of the veggie beds, etc.). There simply aren't enough hours in the week to do ALL of what I do and work full time.

Well said. I flew off the handle. You rebutted with a cogent argument. Thank you.

 

[Colleen27]

I get five or six weeks per year and can carry what I don't use. I just need to be sure my job is done or have coverage. My husband doesn't have as much time but is hourly so he can make up his time.

My DIL just negotiate a 4 day work week in lieu if a raise
Because of the new baby

That's great! It would be nice if more jobs were like that. I spent most of my working years on contract arrangements, so I haven't had a lot of experience with employee situations and don't have a very good sense of what is normal in that department. DH has only worked for one company in his adult life that offered paid vacation and that was strictly one week a year. From talking to friends and neighbors it seems like little/no vacation time is the norm around here, which is a factor in why so many families do choose to live on one income even though that means money is tight at times.

 

[nugov2]

Common sense dictates that if SAHMs have it so hard and it is such a rigorous job, then Working Moms have it harder.....they have to do ALL of that AND have a full time job. Truth.

Not only false, but BS. I don't think either has it harder than the other. Just like their are employees who are lazy and do very little work, so are their SAHM who do the bare minimum. Some employees work very hard and some SAHM do so much more than just the typical. They volunteer long hours at the school. I myself volunteered for our district foundation, which typically raised up to $120,000 a year for our district teachers in addition to helping with school parties and other school specific fundraisers and activities. I am not looking for a violin because my life is awesome and I enjoy most of it. My dream to stay home wasn't just to raise the kids when they were toddlers, but to be an active part of their school life. Those are things a working mom just cannot do. No matter how flexible your job is, you cannot attend all of these extras or volunteer the hours I do and many of the moms who stay home in my area. Some days I am at the school all day, some a couple of hours, some not at all, but I would say if averaged out I spend 2-3 hours a day at the school or doing things specifically related to school. I am in the camp of I will never have a full time job until my youngest is in college. Being home, driving them to practice, watching practice is all important to me. I want to be around for all the moments.

 

[nugov2]

That's great! It would be nice if more jobs were like that. I spent most of my working years on contract arrangements, so I haven't had a lot of experience with employee situations and don't have a very good sense of what is normal in that department. DH has only worked for one company in his adult life that offered paid vacation and that was strictly one week a year. From talking to friends and neighbors it seems like little/no vacation time is the norm around here, which is a factor in why so many families do choose to live on one income even though that means money is tight at times.

My DH gets 6 weeks of paid personal time(no sick or vacation they don't care what it is for). I don't know anyone who gets the kind of vacation he does, but I'd say 4 weeks is the norm around here for my friends husbands.

 

[bdcp]

I was a SAHM for 14 years until my boys were in 6th and 8th grade. I then worked part time (25 hr/wk) until my youngest graduated HS when I went to 32 hr/wk. While I was a "SAHM" I volunteered at church, school (PTA board and classroom), participated in mom's groups and worked a couple of part time jobs (only during school hours). Believe me, I was never sitting around doing nothing and most SAHM's I knew did more than I did. DH and I used to joke about me laying around and eating bon bons but he knew that was so far from the truth.

My most favorite job EVER was being a SAHM and it was harder than my current job that actually pays money, but I would do my SAHM job any day. It was SOOOOOOOO much more rewarding than my paying job.

Of course, my DH was so behind me being a SAHM, but if I had wanted to work outside the home, he would have been fine with it. He knew and knows how hard I worked as a SAHM. I went back to a paying job when I wanted to. We're now within about 9 years of retirement and our boys are 28 and 30, but I would not change the years I was home with them and neither would he. I do not have a degree but I went back to work doing a job that pays very well because of the requirements. I also stayed up to date on computer use by volunteering.

 

[Mkrop]

The problem I see for OP is her husband questions what she's gong to do all day. That is an issue I see all over anonymous message boards - men ticked off that they have to slog through long hours while their wife gets to stay home.

DH has gone through phases where he was ticked and stressed. We then sat down as a couple and said how would this work if I worked these hours or those hours, and we could not figure out a way to make it work together. His job is just not on a schedule if he wants to make money and he may be too far away to help on a given day. I even offered to work a nightshift but he travels and then the kids would be by themselves overnight and neither of us were on board with that.

We tried this when the kids were younger and less involved in activities and it was a stressful mess. I worked 8-5 three days a week. There were many times my bosses wanted/needed me to stay later so that meant he would have to get the kids from my mom's. She kept them late some times but she had her own life after 6 and she deserved that time, and even if she didnt have plans having the kids was a lot on her. Neither of us wanted daycare. Well DH would get mad that he had to leave an important meeting or would get stuck in major traffic and could not get to the kids. My boss got mad at me and I was pulled in many directions and felt like no one was happy. It didnt help that my boss was not at all understanding and that my counterpart who was male had a SAHwife and could stay no problem, this made me look bad.

Things came to a head when we had a situation when both kids got sick, my mom got it from them so she was sick as a dog, always got sick the worse, DH was out of town for the whole week, and my BFF at the time who would have taken my kids, even with them being sick, just had back surgery and was on bed rest. I called everyone I knew, they all worked at the time and I didnt feel comfortable putting my sick kids on anyone else. My boss flipped out, as he should I hadnt been in all week, and I asked him what he thought I should do and what would he do. He said I would go to work and leave them with my wife, the SAHM. We sat down and I quit shortly after that. Then they begged me to come back bc they were idiots and didnt have anyone else trained. I then worked from home until they phased me out. Even that was not ideal as the calls would always come during dinner and the kids were screaming and DH was not home, it never failed, that is when the emergency at work would hit. I was trying to solve problems over the phone on my computer with a cranky toddler pulling on me.

Anyway like I said we revisit this conversation often and I ask him esp when he gets snippy, how would he like to handle things, bc the kids might have to quit some of their activities and neither of us want that. Like tomorrow, he is away all day, he is leaving at 6am and getting home around 8pm, and DS11 has a scrimmage for football. He will have to be there at 5 or 5:30 and we just found out tonight at practice that the game may be around the corner 15 minutes away, or it might be 45 minutes away during rush hour traffic. We just find it harder to make all these plans when we cant rely on him being a part of the scheduling. Like tonight was great, he worked from home today, but we cant count on that, we see it more as a bonus! I would need to find a job that got me out early or would let me be flexible to leave early with very little notice.

It just hasnt worked for us when ever we tried to work it out.

I hope my rambling made sense.

ETA: also both of my kids have had to go to specialists and these drs did not have evening hours, one of the times when I was working I asked DH to take one of them and he couldnt, he had a major meeting that if he got the client to sign on the dotted line would have meant huge commision for us. I was needed to do a training seminar, they moved my time to a different day that when I had originally scheduled the appt. So there we were trying to figure out what to do, cancel an appt that took months to get, or bag my job that paid the least of the two of us. I did worked with my boss (a different one then the one above and got it all worked out, but once again the stress was too much for what I was making)

 

[allison443]

DH has gone through phases where he was ticked and stressed. We then sat down as a couple and said how would this work if I worked these hours or those hours, and we could not figure out a way to make it work together. His job is just not on a schedule if he wants to make money and he may be too far away to help on a given day. I even offered to work a nightshift but he travels and then the kids would be by themselves overnight and neither of us were on board with that.

We tried this when the kids were younger and less involved in activities and it was a stressful mess. I worked 8-5 three days a week. There were many times my bosses wanted/needed me to stay later so that meant he would have to get the kids from my mom's. She kept them late some times but she had her own life after 6 and she deserved that time, and even if she didnt have plans having the kids was a lot on her. Neither of us wanted daycare. Well DH would get mad that he had to leave an important meeting or would get stuck in major traffic and could not get to the kids. My boss got mad at me and I was pulled in many directions and felt like no one was happy. It didnt help that my boss was not at all understanding and that my counterpart who was male had a SAHwife and could stay no problem, this made me look bad.

Things came to a head when we had a situation when both kids got sick, my mom got it from them so she was sick as a dog, always got sick the worse, DH was out of town for the whole week, and my BFF at the time who would have taken my kids, even with them being sick, just had back surgery and was on bed rest. I called everyone I knew, they all worked at the time and I didnt feel comfortable putting my sick kids on anyone else. My boss flipped out, as he should I hadnt been in all week, and I asked him what he thought I should do and what would he do. He said I would go to work and leave them with my wife, the SAHM. We sat down and I quit shortly after that. Then they begged me to come back bc they were idiots and didnt have anyone else trained. I then worked from home until they phased me out. Even that was not ideal as the calls would always come during dinner and the kids were screaming and DH was not home, it never failed, that is when the emergency at work would hit. I was trying to solve problems over the phone on my computer with a cranky toddler pulling on me.

Anyway like I said we revisit this conversation often and I ask him esp when he gets snippy, how would he like to handle things, bc the kids might have to quit some of their activities and neither of us want that. Like tomorrow, he is away all day, he is leaving at 6am and getting home around 8pm, and DS11 has a scrimmage for football. He will have to be there at 5 or 5:30 and we just found out tonight at practice that the game may be around the corner 15 minutes away, or it might be 45 minutes away during rush hour traffic. We just find it harder to make all these plans when we cant rely on him being a part of the scheduling. Like tonight was great, he worked from home today, but we cant count on that, we see it more as a bonus! I would need to find a job that got me out early or would let me be flexible to leave early with very little notice.

It just hasnt worked for us when ever we tried to work it out.

I hope my rambling made sense.

ETA: also both of my kids have had to go to specialists and these drs did not have evening hours, one of the times when I was working I asked DH to take one of them and he couldnt, he had a major meeting that if he got the client to sign on the dotted line would have meant huge commision for us. I was needed to do a training seminar, they moved my time to a different day that when I has scheduled the appt. So there we were trying to figure out what to, cancel an appt that took months to get, or bag my job that paid the least of the two of us. I did worked with my boss (a different one then the one above and got it all worked out, but once again the stress was too much for what I was making)

Just using your situation for an example, this seems to come up often on these threads. A SAHM will post that her husband works a lot of hours, is never around after school/dinner time for kids activities, or travels a lot, or even lives away from home. I remember one time a SAHM said her husband traveled like 80% of the time.

Personally that type of schedule would not have worked for my family, DH and I both preferred to be involved with the kids activities (he coached various sports, i was a school volunteer and girl scout leader) and attend lots of games, etc. and that extensive travel schedule would not work for us. It's not saying one is "better" or "worse". Obviously you feel it is working for you, and plenty of other families make it work. But I think this is another example of families making different situations work for them, just like some families have two working parents and some have one. Most families I know are just trying to do the best we can for our kids.

 

[Nancyg56]

I'm commenting without reading all of the replies. I will admit that I often wonder what my SIL does all day. Her children are now 26, 23 and 19. Two in college, one graduated and is living on her own. The kids have done their own laundry since elementary school and they eat out at least 5 times a week. She did not carpool. The kids took activities buses home if they stayed after school. She does not volunteer. I'm really just curious. At a party recently, someone asked her. Her reply was "she's busy raising her family". She has a college degree and would make much more money than her DH.

Why do you wonder? AS long as her choice worked for her family, I cannot see why you would care. My children are 35,37,and 39. I have one granddaughter who I have at my home as much as possible, and I just took a small part time job. My husband would cut his right arm off if I was still home, and would not appreciate it at all if his sisters wondered what I did with all of my time He will never ask me to quit to be home again, but he really found life a heck of a lot easier when my time was not divided between work and home, and has made it clear that he would not mind if I decided that I wanted to go back to having meals ready when he stepped foot in the door, every stitch of clothing ironed, the house cleaned on a daily basis rather than weekly, the floors polished, all of the exterior trip bleached and the screens washed several times in the summer, home made goodies every day, the house decorated for every Holiday and change in season..... you know all the little things I did all day...

 

[Nancyg56]

DH has gone through phases where he was ticked and stressed. We then sat down as a couple and said how would this work if I worked these hours or those hours, and we could not figure out a way to make it work together. His job is just not on a schedule if he wants to make money and he may be too far away to help on a given day. I even offered to work a nightshift but he travels and then the kids would be by themselves overnight and neither of us were on board with that. We tried this when the kids were younger and less involved in activities and it was a stressful mess. I worked 8-5 three days a week. There were many times my bosses wanted/needed me to stay later so that meant he would have to get the kids from my mom's. She kept them late some times but she had her own life after 6 and she deserved that time, and even if she didnt have plans having the kids was a lot on her. Neither of us wanted daycare. Well DH would get mad that he had to leave an important meeting or would get stuck in major traffic and could not get to the kids. My boss got mad at me and I was pulled in many directions and felt like no one was happy. It didnt help that my boss was not at all understanding and that my counterpart who was male had a SAHwife and could stay no problem, this made me look bad. Things came to a head when we had a situation when both kids got sick, my mom got it from them so she was sick as a dog, always got sick the worse, DH was out of town for the whole week, and my BFF at the time who would have taken my kids, even with them being sick, just had back surgery and was on bed rest. I called everyone I knew, they all worked at the time and I didnt feel comfortable putting my sick kids on anyone else. My boss flipped out, as he should I hadnt been in all week, and I asked him what he thought I should do and what would he do. He said I would go to work and leave them with my wife, the SAHM. We sat down and I quit shortly after that. Then they begged me to come back bc they were idiots and didnt have anyone else trained. I then worked from home until they phased me out. Even that was not ideal as the calls would always come during dinner and the kids were screaming and DH was not home, it never failed, that is when the emergency at work would hit. I was trying to solve problems over the phone on my computer with a cranky toddler pulling on me. Anyway like I said we revisit this conversation often and I ask him esp when he gets snippy, how would he like to handle things, bc the kids might have to quit some of their activities and neither of us want that. Like tomorrow, he is away all day, he is leaving at 6am and getting home around 8pm, and DS11 has a scrimmage for football. He will have to be there at 5 or 5:30 and we just found out tonight at practice that the game may be around the corner 15 minutes away, or it might be 45 minutes away during rush hour traffic. We just find it harder to make all these plans when we cant rely on him being a part of the scheduling. Like tonight was great, he worked from home today, but we cant count on that, we see it more as a bonus! I would need to find a job that got me out early or would let me be flexible to leave early with very little notice. It just hasnt worked for us when ever we tried to work it out. I hope my rambling made sense. ETA: also both of my kids have had to go to specialists and these drs did not have evening hours, one of the times when I was working I asked DH to take one of them and he couldnt, he had a major meeting that if he got the client to sign on the dotted line would have meant huge commision for us. I was needed to do a training seminar, they moved my time to a different day that when I had originally scheduled the appt. So there we were trying to figure out what to do, cancel an appt that took months to get, or bag my job that paid the least of the two of us. I did worked with my boss (a different one then the one above and got it all worked out, but once again the stress was too much for what I was making)[/QUO

It does make sense, and illustrates why every choice a family makes comes with some sort of sacrifice. I know some folks on this thread have tried to say that their particular choice is the best, and that they manage to do it all, but after raising my family, I know that really is not the entire reality. There is always a tradeoff. Always.

My daughter was laid off for a period of time, and realized that she needed to further her education in order to be marketable. She now is back to work and thrilled with her job, but she told me that she is guilty of being thankful that my DH will not be able to return to work for a few months. Her DD is in middle school, and quite the independent young lady, but not so much so that DD is comfortable being close to 35 minutes away if she needs her. My DH is less than 15 minutes and willing to drop anything to pick her up. Not all families have that support, and so I cannot imagine the stress that one glitch in a tight schedule makes.

 

[Acklander]

Not a truth. Every working mother I know delegates something. I delegate nothing.

I don't consider it delegating. I consider it sharing the household and child raising duties with my husband.

 

[quandrea]

I don't consider it delegating. I consider it sharing the household and child raising duties with my husband.

This is where what works for one family does not work for another. If my husband shared household duties (he does fully participate in child rearing) his earning potential would be vastly decreased. He is self employed. If he doesn't work we don't eat. Sometimes that means twelve hours a day, seven days a week. If he had a nine to five we would actually have to get by on less. So you see, sometimes having someone home does help generate household income.

I wouldn't have it any other way. One of the things I love most about my husband is the risk taking, entrepreneurial attitude running his own business requires. I'm glad I am part of helping his business reach it's full potential.

And on the flip side, his success allows me to hold my dream job--sahm. I told him before we married that that was what I wanted to do and he fully supports my goals. I'm very lucky and grateful.

 

[jrmasm]

I don't consider it delegating. I consider it sharing the household and child raising duties with my husband.

That's because it's not. The word had been misused all over this thread.

 

[Colleen27]

The problem I see for OP is her husband questions what she's gong to do all day. That is an issue I see all over anonymous message boards - men ticked off that they have to slog through long hours while their wife gets to stay home.

But what you don't see from those posts is whether they are genuinely upset and want a change or are just venting. Just as a SAHM might vent about money being tight but not so much so that it is a reason to make major lifestyle changes, I've heard a lot of guys vent about the wife sitting home when they're dealing with unusually long work hours but when it comes right down to it they don't want their wives to go back to work. They just want to complain a bit and move on.

Just using your situation for an example, this seems to come up often on these threads. A SAHM will post that her husband works a lot of hours, is never around after school/dinner time for kids activities, or travels a lot, or even lives away from home. I remember one time a SAHM said her husband traveled like 80% of the time.

Personally that type of schedule would not have worked for my family, DH and I both preferred to be involved with the kids activities (he coached various sports, i was a school volunteer and girl scout leader) and attend lots of games, etc. and that extensive travel schedule would not work for us.

I wouldn't have chosen it either. I don't like DH being gone even though he's only a few hours away, and I'd rather he have the sort of dependable schedule that would allow him to coach instead of just helping out at practice when he can. But he loves what he does. It took him a decade in the workforce to figure out what he really wanted to be doing, and then another 5 years to work up the money and the courage to start his own business. I can't imagine sitting down with him and telling him that I want him to find a career with more regular hours, knowing how much satisfaction he gets from what he does. Am I happier when the jobs he books are local and he's home every night? Absolutely. But he's building a reputation for a particular sort of work (restoring historic homes, reproducing original moldings and trim, etc) that takes going where the work is.

And even though his daily schedule is wildly unpredictable and he sometimes takes jobs that require travel, we have a much better work/life balance with him on his own than we did when he was punching a clock for someone else. If he needs time off - if one of the kids has an important event, if we're planning a family vacation, if one of our volunteer organizations needs his skills - he can put it in his calendar just like he would a paying job and book subsequent customers around those obligations. So while I can't count on him being home to pick the kids up from school or get them to sports practices in the evening, we also aren't limited to the pathetic amount of PTO blue-collar guys usually get.

 

[quandrea]

But what you don't see from those posts is whether they are genuinely upset and want a change or are just venting. Just as a SAHM might vent about money being tight but not so much so that it is a reason to make major lifestyle changes, I've heard a lot of guys vent about the wife sitting home when they're dealing with unusually long work hours but when it comes right down to it they don't want their wives to go back to work. They just want to complain a bit and move on.



I wouldn't have chosen it either. I don't like DH being gone even though he's only a few hours away, and I'd rather he have the sort of dependable schedule that would allow him to coach instead of just helping out at practice when he can. But he loves what he does. It took him a decade in the workforce to figure out what he really wanted to be doing, and then another 5 years to work up the money and the courage to start his own business. I can't imagine sitting down with him and telling him that I want him to find a career with more regular hours, knowing how much satisfaction he gets from what he does. Am I happier when the jobs he books are local and he's home every night? Absolutely. But he's building a reputation for a particular sort of work (restoring historic homes, reproducing original moldings and trim, etc) that takes going where the work is.

And even though his daily schedule is wildly unpredictable and he sometimes takes jobs that require travel, we have a much better work/life balance with him on his own than we did when he was punching a clock for someone else. If he needs time off - if one of the kids has an important event, if we're planning a family vacation, if one of our volunteer organizations needs his skills - he can put it in his calendar just like he would a paying job and book subsequent customers around those obligations. So while I can't count on him being home to pick the kids up from school or get them to sports practices in the evening, we also aren't limited to the pathetic amount of PTO blue-collar guys usually get.

Colleen. How'd you get so smart and articulate? We seem to live similar lives. While my dh's schedule is wildly unpredictable I am so thankful that he is fulfilled and that he has control over his schedule. It translates into ample vacation time and a lot more freedom. Wouldn't change a thing. He answers to no one.

 

[Colleen27]

This is where what works for one family does not work for another. If my husband shared household duties (he does fully participate in child rearing) his earning potential would be vastly decreased. He is self employed. If he doesn't work we don't eat. Sometimes that means twelve hours a day, seven days a week. If he had a nine to five we would actually have to get by on less. So you see, sometimes having someone home does help generate household income.

I wouldn't have it any other way. One of the things I love most about my husband is the risk taking, entrepreneurial attitude running his own business requires. I'm glad I am part of helping his business reach it's full potential.

And on the flip side, his success allows me to hold my dream job--sahm. I told him before we married that that was what I wanted to do and he fully supports my goals. I'm very lucky and grateful.

It is much the same for us, though the SAHM path came as more of a surprise to me. I grew up with a single mom who drilled it into my head never to depend on a man, so I didn't go into marriage and motherhood thinking this is what I wanted to do even though I always knew I wanted to be more available for my kids than my mom was for my brother and I.

My MIL once commented that if (actually, she said "when") I went back to work DH would be able to cut back on his work schedule. He looked at her sort of strangely and told her he intends to continue working as many hours as it takes to make his business a success, and that's why we don't have any plans for me to go back to work. She was imagining he could work a 9 to 5 if we had a second income but he has no desire to do that. He wants to be in business for himself, despite the demands that makes on his time.

 

[Mkrop]

For some reason the quoting thing is not working for me...

It is not always easy to pick what one does for a living esp as one gets older it is harder to move to a different type of job or industry. Plus DH likes what he does and is very good at it. He is in sales and on the road. He loves it and HATES being in the office...cube or office life would suck out his soul. I see it on the few days he does work from home. He started this type of job when he was younger. He did have more flexiblity with certain companies but other companies he has not and it has also be dependent on where his territory was. When his territory was closer to home, it was great and he was able to coach a lot, now he limits it to one season, baseball and he is now an assistant bc managing a team became too hard. His companies have been bought out over the years so the dynamics have changed.

He got laid off about two years ago, he looked for other types of jobs, reached out to all of his contacts, the typical job search. Most of his offers were similar to what he was already doing bc well that is where his expertise was and he was very good at it. Some involved MUCH more travel than what he was already doing. He also had a noncompete which made things even more tricky. He now has a decent territory but it still isnt around the corner.

So just saying that wouldnt work for us makes it sound much simpler to change up jobs or the situation, and it very rarely is.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

So it's evident from the last few stories why one person staying home and running the household works for some families. We could hear stories from working moms of how working and shared duties work equally well for their families. And that's what most of us are saying - whatever works for your family. I just don't understand the need for put downs on either side.

And just to go back to the carpooling issue, I had to chuckle at the thought of it as far as my driving goes, remembering practically a whole baseball team leaving the high school for their first practice and trying to cram everyone and everything into my car. The crossing guard was doing one of these. I believe I had to make two or three trips that day, and I didn't mind a bit. My DS plays on several teams yearly and virtually ALL of us ride share from time to time. My DH and I, between the two of us, were able to do most, but rarely DS had to catch a ride with someone else, and vice versa. If I knew I was available and had extra room, I'd often put an offer out if anyone needed a ride. This spring I even got talked into making side trips to McD's some days so the ravenous boys could get a Chicken sandwich off the dollar menu and it was great to hear them laughing and having a good time together. Sometimes after summer games, families stopped together for a bite to eat, and if any happened to have an extra kid along, it was no big deal, because "it all evens out in the end". On occasion, we treated kids, and on others, they treated ours. Now DS can drive himself so I'll cherish those memories for a long time to come. So IME I just really don't see this lopsidedness that is sometimes portrayed.

And same with having friends over. Being the "go to" house also isn't mutually exclusive to any one group. Yesterday we had a houseful of kids swimming and playing whiffle ball here, as we do many days. During the winter we are also one of the "go to" houses. Again, if I'm not here, DH generally is, as he was yesterday. He grilled food for them and the house was neat when I got home. Everyone was happy.