SAHM....How do you do it? My morning so far....

[DisneyPhD]

I have said not one mean thing to her directly. I asked a question - if you complain about watching kids, why do you have more? It's an honest question. I have compassion, b/c I know how hard it is. But I don't complain about it, b/c it really isn't so hard that I would need to. WWJD? Do you know for sure? He would love her as his daughter. I don't hate her, never said that. But there are things that we ALL do, including myself, that I'm sure HE doesn't like. Doesn't make us un-Christian, makes us human.

Ok, the OP questions was "How do you SAHM do it?" Not "Why did I have another child?" It wasn't disrepecting SAHM, more admiring them for being able to do this every day. Oh and her choice isn't to be at SAHM, she is working one on Maternity leave, (just fine by the way.) Who knows maybe the choice to have another child was her DH's? You just never know. I am sure she loves each and every one of her kids and thanks God she has then. That wasn't the point at all. You are getting such a bad response here because your answers seem very high and mighty and uncaring and if your kids aren't hard, then why should other people have bad days.

 

[va32h]

and instead she got told that it shouldn't be that difficult, so now she feels twice as bad because she's feeling like something was wrong with HER!

I think I am the only one (or at least the first one) who said something to that effect. The majority of posts on this thread have been very supportive of the OP. So if it's time to call a spade a spade, then let's just say that it was me, va32h, who was being mean and unsupportive.

I don't know the the OP now feels twice as bad - she shouldn't - I'm just a stranger on an internet chat board anyway, and my opinion is clearly the minority.

It wasn't a discussion thread - it was a support thread.

I understand this perspective; and yet...is it valid to say "I want to complain and will only accept support"? (not saying that anyone has said this, just offering a general observation).

I honestly believe that one of the worst things that has happened to our society in the last 20 years is the rise of the "victim" culture and proliferation of self-help books, shows, and gurus, that all seem to preach the same gospel: nothing is your fault, you are allowed to vent and complain without having to listen to explanations or counter-opinions, anyone who challenges you is not supporting you.

The same friends I turn to for support are the ones I count on to tell me to buck up, and stop feeling sorry for myself, and do something positive, and make a change.

And I realize I've gone way off the topic here - I would never have responded to this thread at all, if I hadn't read so many replies saying things like - this is why I only have one, this is why I won't have kids, yes it's terrible, etc.

My orginal inention in posting to this thread was to suggest the position of "staying at home with children is hard" is really a self-fulfilling prophecy. The OP dreaded being home alone with her small kids, and tried to get others to stay and help her. They could not, and so she had to do the thing she dreaded, and it turned out to be dreadful indeed.

 

[Keli]

Oh my, that is a rough way to have to start the day. Wow, you're a better woman than I! I've always thought of children as a wonderful blessing from God but I have a feeling if I had three little ones at the same time I'd be praying "No more blessings, ok God?" LOL

 

[bajanswife]

I think I am the only one (or at least the first one) who said something to that effect. The majority of posts on this thread have been very supportive of the OP. So if it's time to call a spade a spade, then let's just say that it was me, va32h, who was being mean and unsupportive.

Meanie! I'm kidding - I bear you no ill will. I am reacting mainly to hokiefan who doesn't seem to be getting why unsupportive posts might not have been received that well on this thread. Not saying that his (and your) posts were mean - just that they weren't terribly supportive or helpful.

I honestly believe that one of the worst things that has happened to our society in the last 20 years is the rise of the "victim" culture and proliferation of self-help books, shows, and gurus, that all seem to preach the same gospel: nothing is your fault, you are allowed to vent and complain without having to listen to explanations or counter-opinions, anyone who challenges you is not supporting you.

The same friends I turn to for support are the ones I count on to tell me to buck up, and stop feeling sorry for myself, and do something positive, and make a change.

And I realize I've gone way off the topic here - I would never have responded to this thread at all, if I hadn't read so many replies saying things like - this is why I only have one, this is why I won't have kids, yes it's terrible, etc.

My orginal inention in posting to this thread was to suggest the position of "staying at home with children is hard" is really a self-fulfilling prophecy. The OP dreaded being home alone with her small kids, and tried to get others to stay and help her. They could not, and so she had to do the thing she dreaded, and it turned out to be dreadful indeed.

I actually agree with you about the "victim culture". And I do understand that you are reacting more to the posts from people who are citing the OP's difficult day as a reason for limiting the number of kids they have, or not having kids at all! I also think those reactions are a little extreme - the OP was having a bad day and just needed to vent about it! Every day is not like that!

You know, I am usually one of those practical, logical, analytical people who want to jump in and offer solutions, and want to say "buck up", rather than one of those understanding supporters! I have to force myself to listen and refrain from comments that might make the speaker feel worse. I try to offer my suggestions and "buck up and get on with it" comments a little later, after she's gotten it all off her chest and has calmed down. I don't always succeed. I guess I am so aware of trying to be tactful myself because it doesn't come naturally and I have to work at it, I do notice it on this forum.

My main point was really that it is just fine to have the opinion that things needn't be that difficult, and it's just fine to have the opinion that a tough day shouldn't scare people away from having kids (or more kids); but while in your circle of friends it is not necessary to offer up only support, on a forum like this it can come across as harsh if you aren't completely supportive. I know, it makes posting tricky and somewhat frustrating. Forums like this are notoriously difficult to negotiate just because so much is lost when we are reduced to the written word and a few smilies. And really, very few of us "know" each other - we are all strangers pretty much.

I really do have to agree with you that dreading staying home alone with all the kids often makes things worse. I find that if I know I will be home alone with the kids, I can mentally prepare for it, I plan my day in my head, I work out a routine, I have time to think up activities and look forward to them etc. If it is sprung on me and I just don't feel capable that day because I am tired, I had other plans, I am still a bit annoyed that it was sprung on me by DH when I was prepared for a different type of day etc., it is much harder to manage. So yeah, I do see your point about a self-fulfilling prophesy.

I think this whole discussion is interesting - I was only worried that a support thread had turned into a mini debate, and sometimes that can be tough for the OP, who may not really have been prepared for it!

 

[Oh Kay!]

See, this is where others don't make sense, b/c they assume from what I write that I have "no experience in this subject." I have been a SAHD with my 2 older kids, while going through college and graduating (including missing tests b/c they were being born - you should see the professor's face when you use THAT as an excuse!), and my wife has been both a WOHM and a SAHM. I never said being a parent wasn't tough, I just don't like hearing the complaining, or "venting". I don't complain-

Perhaps you didn't dare complain in fear that other people would say things like

"Why on earth did you get married so early and have children before you graduated?",

in which case I am sorry you were surrounded by unsympathetic people. However, that is no reason why you should resent the OP for getting sympahty and support.

You may tell me I am completely off-base, but that is how your posts came across.

Kay "I am not a psychologist; I only play one on DIS."

 

[DisneyPhD]

Perhaps you didn't dare complain in fear that other people would say things like

"Why on earth did you get married so early and have children before you graduated?",

in which case I am sorry you were surrounded by unsympathetic people. However, that is no reason why you should resent the OP for getting sympahty and support.

You may tell me I am completely off-base, but that is how your posts came across.

Kay "I am not a psychologist; I only play one on DIS."

Well said.

Oh too funny "I am not a psychologist, I only play on on DIS."

(BTW, I am a clinical social worker and was a psychotherapist before a SAHM. ) But that wasn't my point as my post, it was as a mother.

 

[tiff211]

I wanted to thank all the posters who posted words of encouragement, support and hugs. It was just what I needed at the moment. You must be incredible friends and family members to your RL community.

Btw, I am having a wonderful weekend stuck in the house because of the crappy weather with my children, who very much loved and wanted even when they frustrated the daylights out of me! LOL!

And to those of you, who chose this posting as venue to "toot your own horn" or inquire as to why I had more children and post the other negative comments, thanks just what someone needs when they are feeling overwhelmed. What you failed to realize, is it is not about you and how well you handle things, it is that a fellow human being reached out. Yes, you are very much entitled your opinion but how was that helpful?


Thankfully, I was not suffering from PPD, or those posts might have sent me over the edge!

 

[MELSMICE]

tiff - so glad you are feeling better. Sometimes we just need to take time out & vent. It does EVERYONE good - even the perfect ones!!!!! (whether they'll admit it or not!)

 

[va32h]

Thankfully, I was not suffering from PPD, or those posts might have sent me over the edge!

And if you had gone over the edge, it would be my fault?

 

[Cantw8]

And if you had gone over the edge, it would be my fault?

Dang, guilty conscience or do you just think everything pertains to you?

Glad you are feeling better OP.....

 

[DisneyPhD]

I wanted to thank all the posters who posted words of encouragement, support and hugs. It was just what I needed at the moment. You must be incredible friends and family members to your RL community.

Btw, I am having a wonderful weekend stuck in the house because of the crappy weather with my children, who very much loved and wanted even when they frustrated the daylights out of me! LOL!

And to those of you, who chose this posting as venue to "toot your own horn" or inquire as to why I had more children and post the other negative comments, thanks just what someone needs when they are feeling overwhelmed. What you failed to realize, is it is not about you and how well you handle things, it is that a fellow human being reached out. Yes, you are very much entitled your opinion but how was that helpful?


Thankfully, I was not suffering from PPD, or those posts might have sent me over the edge!

Tiff great post. Isn't it wonderful that the good days outnumber the bad. Glad we could help. (your 1st post made me laugh, been there, done that and with less kids!)

Oh, and you managed a 8 page thread, I bet you never thought that would happen when you started it.

va32h, what is it? You just won't back down. It just wasn't one post that might of been insenstive, they just keep coming. Sorry can go a long way you know. Is there something more going on with you and your feelings of mommyhood that you just can't agree we all have good and bad days and hugs are a good thing?

 

[hokiefan33]

You sound just like my DH - he doesn't find looking after kids to be difficult at all (he takes life in his stride, NOTHING bothers him!), so when I need to vent, I sure don't vent to him! That's what my girlfriends and the DIS are for!

However, if a woman IS venting about something she was having a hard time with, it can be tough to hear other people say that they don't find it difficult at all! I understand your p.o.v., but I'm not sure that expressing it in this particular thread was all that helpful to the OP. If you needed to say something about this issue, perhaps you could have started another thread to discuss whether childrearing these days is really that difficult? I dunno .... just a thought. I am just sympathetic to the OP who came here needing a hug and some assurances that she's not unusual in having a tough child minding day, and instead she got told that it shouldn't be that difficult, so now she feels twice as bad because she's feeling like something was wrong with HER!

Of course you are entitled to your own opinion on this (as is everyone) - some of us just think the time and place for expressing it did more to make the OP feel worse than it did better. It wasn't a discussion thread - it was a support thread.

Now this argument I will buy. I don't agree with a lot of, or most, things that Bajanswife says, but this is probably true. Well said. Now, if some of you others might have said "your opinion, but maybe wrong forum", I'd have listened. But to say my argument isn't true, or is invalid only b/c the OP wanted to vent, that wouldn't be correct.

 

[hokiefan33]

Ok, the OP questions was "How do you SAHM do it?" Not "Why did I have another child?" It wasn't disrepecting SAHM, more admiring them for being able to do this every day. Oh and her choice isn't to be at SAHM, she is working one on Maternity leave, (just fine by the way.) Who knows maybe the choice to have another child was her DH's? You just never know. I am sure she loves each and every one of her kids and thanks God she has then. That wasn't the point at all. You are getting such a bad response here because your answers seem very high and mighty and uncaring and if your kids aren't hard, then why should other people have bad days.

I wasn't answering a question from the OP, I was commenting on what she said. I also never said she didn't love her kids. And I take your response of "your answers seem very high and mighty and uncaring" to be an insult, but I won't report you. Thicker skin than that. But that's just me.

 

[DisneyPhD]

I wasn't answering a question from the OP, I was commenting on what she said. I also never said she didn't love her kids. And I take your response of "your answers seem very high and mighty and uncaring" to be an insult, but I won't report you. Thicker skin than that. But that's just me.

Oh that is very kind of you. I just thought it was an opinion. Hmmmm. I would hope you have thicker skin then that when you start things like this.

 

[hokiefan33]

I would hope you have thicker skin then that when you start things like this.

I do, but alas others don't.

 

[KathyTX]

This one's degenerated to insults and personal attacks, and is closed.