va32h said:
I think I am the only one (or at least the first one) who said something to that effect. The majority of posts on this thread have been very supportive of the OP. So if it's time to call a spade a spade, then let's just say that it was me, va32h, who was being mean and unsupportive.
Meanie!
I'm kidding - I bear you no ill will. I am reacting mainly to hokiefan who doesn't seem to be getting why unsupportive posts might not have been received that well on this thread. Not saying that his (and your) posts were mean - just that they weren't terribly supportive or helpful.
va32h said:
I honestly believe that one of the worst things that has happened to our society in the last 20 years is the rise of the "victim" culture and proliferation of self-help books, shows, and gurus, that all seem to preach the same gospel: nothing is your fault, you are allowed to vent and complain without having to listen to explanations or counter-opinions, anyone who challenges you is not supporting you.
The same friends I turn to for support are the ones I count on to tell me to buck up, and stop feeling sorry for myself, and do something positive, and make a change.
And I realize I've gone way off the topic here - I would never have responded to this thread at all, if I hadn't read so many replies saying things like - this is why I only have one, this is why I won't have kids, yes it's terrible, etc.
My orginal inention in posting to this thread was to suggest the position of "staying at home with children is hard" is really a self-fulfilling prophecy. The OP dreaded being home alone with her small kids, and tried to get others to stay and help her. They could not, and so she had to do the thing she dreaded, and it turned out to be dreadful indeed.
I actually agree with you about the "victim culture". And I do understand that you are reacting more to the posts from people who are citing the OP's difficult day as a reason for limiting the number of kids they have, or not having kids at all! I also think those reactions are a little extreme - the OP was having a bad day and just needed to vent about it! Every day is not like that!
You know, I am usually one of those practical, logical, analytical people who want to jump in and offer solutions, and want to say "buck up", rather than one of those understanding supporters! I have to force myself to listen and refrain from comments that might make the speaker feel worse. I try to offer my suggestions and "buck up and get on with it" comments a little later, after she's gotten it all off her chest and has calmed down. I don't always succeed. I guess I am so aware of trying to be tactful myself because it doesn't come naturally and I have to work at it, I do notice it on this forum.
My main point was really that it is just fine to have the opinion that things needn't be that difficult, and it's just fine to have the opinion that a tough day shouldn't scare people away from having kids (or more kids); but while in your circle of friends it is not necessary to offer up only support, on a forum like this it can come across as harsh if you aren't completely supportive. I know, it makes posting tricky and somewhat frustrating. Forums like this are notoriously difficult to negotiate just because so much is lost when we are reduced to the written word and a few smilies. And really, very few of us "know" each other - we are all strangers pretty much.
I really do have to agree with you that dreading staying home alone with all the kids often makes things worse. I find that if I know I will be home alone with the kids, I can mentally prepare for it, I plan my day in my head, I work out a routine, I have time to think up activities and look forward to them etc. If it is sprung on me and I just don't feel capable that day because I am tired, I had other plans, I am still a bit annoyed that it was sprung on me by DH when I was prepared for a different type of day etc., it is much harder to manage. So yeah, I do see your point about a self-fulfilling prophesy.
I think this whole discussion is interesting - I was only worried that a support thread had turned into a mini debate, and sometimes that can be tough for the OP, who may not really have been prepared for it!
) But that wasn't my point as my post, it was as a mother.
