SADDAM TROUNCES GORE IN IRAQI ELECTION
Former Veep's Quixotic Campaign Garners Meager .006%
Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein brushed back former Vice President Al Gore's dark-horse challenge in yesterday's national election in Iraq, with the former veep drawing a disappointing .006% of the vote.
Mr. Gore, who had publicly questioned the wisdom of using military force to achieve regime change in Iraq, had hoped that his quixotic campaign for the presidency of that rogue state would be a successful alternative to oust Saddam.
But with exit polls showing that Mr. Gore's campaign never really caught on with Iraqi voters, who found Mr. Gore "wooden" and "phony", Gore-watchers said today that the former veep made several crucial errors in his run against Saddam -- goofs that doomed his electoral quest almost from the start.
"We were all telling him that he should move his campaign headquarters from Knoxville to Baghdad, but he wouldn't listen," said one Gore adviser late last night.
"Plus, it was a mistake to try to run against Saddam's environmental record," the adviser said. "Voters in Iraq are more worried about winding up in Saddam's torture chambers than they are about logging, which was all Al wanted to talk about."
"We kept saying, 'It's the torture chambers, stupid,' but he just stuck his fingers in his ears and went 'la, la, la, I can't hear you,'" the adviser said.
Meanwhile, Mr. Gore was expected to spend a few weeks resting before regrouping for a run at yet another coveted prize: the championship of "American Idol II," the televised pop singing contest.
While Mr. Gore has virtually no pop singing experience, the adviser said, "at this point it's really important for Al to win something."
****Borowitz Reports***
Former Veep's Quixotic Campaign Garners Meager .006%
Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein brushed back former Vice President Al Gore's dark-horse challenge in yesterday's national election in Iraq, with the former veep drawing a disappointing .006% of the vote.
Mr. Gore, who had publicly questioned the wisdom of using military force to achieve regime change in Iraq, had hoped that his quixotic campaign for the presidency of that rogue state would be a successful alternative to oust Saddam.
But with exit polls showing that Mr. Gore's campaign never really caught on with Iraqi voters, who found Mr. Gore "wooden" and "phony", Gore-watchers said today that the former veep made several crucial errors in his run against Saddam -- goofs that doomed his electoral quest almost from the start.
"We were all telling him that he should move his campaign headquarters from Knoxville to Baghdad, but he wouldn't listen," said one Gore adviser late last night.
"Plus, it was a mistake to try to run against Saddam's environmental record," the adviser said. "Voters in Iraq are more worried about winding up in Saddam's torture chambers than they are about logging, which was all Al wanted to talk about."
"We kept saying, 'It's the torture chambers, stupid,' but he just stuck his fingers in his ears and went 'la, la, la, I can't hear you,'" the adviser said.
Meanwhile, Mr. Gore was expected to spend a few weeks resting before regrouping for a run at yet another coveted prize: the championship of "American Idol II," the televised pop singing contest.
While Mr. Gore has virtually no pop singing experience, the adviser said, "at this point it's really important for Al to win something."
****Borowitz Reports***
