Sad Situation....Do I talk to him? Do I say nothing?

[Beauty]

Let me start out by saying that my mom and dad were together and happily married (as far as I know) from the time I was born until my father passed away two years ago....and John and I have been happily married since we were out of high school so I don't really have any first hand experience in this.

A few months ago John-Cole asked this little boy to spend the night with him. John-Cole is in the 5th and this little boy is in the 6th so I didn't really know him or his parents. Well when we took him home his mother and I were talking and I told her I was a SAHM. Well she asked me would I mind her son staying with us each day after school until 4 when she got off. They live in the country and she had been taking him back to work with her each day. Well I can see where that would be a problem so I said Sure, It's only for about 45 minutes and J.C. would enjoy the company. So J.C. and Hunter (the little boy) have been coming home and of course I've gotten to "know" Hunter and he is a precious little boy. He is a little on the rough side but so polite and sweet.

So he spent Friday night with us, we got movies and Pizza and Video games and he spent most of the day yesterday with us. They had a blast exploring the woods behind our house. So we finally took him home last night around 8:00.....we come home and go to bed around 11.....So at 1:00 A.M. the phone rings...I'm sound asleep and confused and FINALLY my sleepy brain hears her say "This is Hunter's mom" So okay...its 1 a.m......to make a long story short when Hunter got home they went to pick up his dad at an older brothers house and both of them.....The MOM and HUNTER (11 years old) walk in on his day, her husband with another women. From what I know, and its not clear....there was definatly a fight and the police were called and she left before they got there.....Now remember Hunter sees all of this. She wants to know if he can spend the night because he is scared (well of course hes scared) so I say yes bring him on.

So he is here and him and J.C. are outside playing....John and I were working in the yard so I haven't really seen him. Do I mention anything??? Do I just act like nothing is wrong and treat him like I always do?? I feel so sorry for him and have zero experience with anything like this.

 

[Tinkbell]

Poor kid. I'd probably observe his actions first. If he seems like he always does, then I would not mention it. If he is obviously upset, I'd ask him if he'd like to talk about anything, but not push the issue. His mom really should be the one explaining this to him.

It was very nice of you to help them out.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

How sad. I think that if you all sit down together for a snack or something you could tell him that you know he had a rough night and if he wants to talk about anything, you are there to listen. I wouldn't question or force him, but just be a shoulder he can cry on or someone he can talk to without fear of a bad response. Does he have a minister or clergy person or school counselor to talk to? Maybe you would even want to suggest to the mom that he could talk to the school counselor. I am sure they have heard it all.

 

[Beauty]

His mom was pretty messed up last night when she brought him by. They have been married a long time and I don't know anything about their personal life or if this has happened before but from her actions I don't think it has. I can't even imagine what she must be going through....and for Hunter to actually SEE this....I can't imagine.

He is acting like himself with John-Cole outside. They are playing with Nerf guns...but then when they come inside to get something to eat or drink hes a little quieter then usual....hes usually like a regular 11 year old, talkative and bouncing off the wall.

I just feel so awful for both of them!

 

[ByTheSea]

Wow.

Since you really have no way of knowing, nor I suppose do you need to know if this was a total shock to the woman, all I can suggest is that you encourage her to seek out a therapist - she will probably experience many stages of grief and be going through a difficult time. Poor kid. I think all you can do is be there for him, make him feel like he has a warm, safe place to be, and maybe you can help him feel like a part of your family, welcome anytime (if that's the case, that's the impression I got from your post) and be open for signs if he wants to talk.... I would try not to offer him advice, other than to listen, maybe listen and if he asks for your help, try to be there for him.

I also agree with talking to the counselor at school for advice, they will keep it confidential.

 

[Claudia1]

I would not leave them alone too much. You don't want your son to learn more than he needs to know right now.

My DH and I have also been married for a long time (26+ years) and my kids have learned lots of things from there friends that have nothing to do with a healthy marriage. Additionally, we have been in similiar situations (not identical, though) where their peers are hurting and end up with us for a while.

I suggest that you make an excuse to talk to him privately, if even for 60 seconds, to give him a hug of security and let him know that you are there for him. I would also say something about talking to peers is not the best solution but talking to adults can help. Send your son to the pantry or garage to get something for you to create a moment.

I would also not stay too far away from the boys, in case he tells too many details. You don't want John-Cole to assume that all families act in the same manner. After he leaves, talk openly with John-Cole about whatever he knows, without saying too much.

Kids will eventually learn about all of this. As parents, we need to guide them (and sometimes their peers, too....)

Another work of caution: you may find yourself in a tight situation between a distrught mom that needs a safety net for her son and your family needs. It can be really, really difficult.

Kudos to you for helping a kid in distress!

 

[Beauty]

Claudia,

I have had that happen already....which resulted in the complete talk about the "Facts of Life" with nothing left out. We were at an out of town basketball game and I was sitting behind the group of 5th and 6th graders not really listening to them but hearing bits and pieces. Well they were telling jokes and the next thing I heard was "And the boy ended up on top of her and the mom walked in and they were having sex." So....that night we talked about just how much he knew and cleared up the facts. Its amazing how much more they know at such a younger age! John-Cole just came in alone and I asked him if Hunter had talked to him about anything and he said "Baseball practice, why?" So I think Hunter is probaby trying to block all this out. I am going to get a moment with him and hug him though and let him know I'm here.

Hes such a sweet child!

 

[BWVDenise]

What a sad situation. It's wonderful that you are able to help him. Best wishes.

 

[jamsmom]

You are one of God's angels for being available for this child.

 

[Dopey Sharon]

I wouldn't say anything to him....stay out of it.

 

[HauntedMansionGeek]

It is a wonderful thing that you are there for this child...AND for his mother.
I wouldn't say much if anything to the boy except to let him know that you are available. Your home could become like my home was for several less fortunate neighborhood kids. Our home was the place they wanted to be when times were tough at their houses and we were always glad to be able to be their safe haven.

Everyone needs a safe place where they can play and be themselves so even if the child never talks to you, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you ARE helping him.
I got proof of that a few months ago when I ran into one of the kids who used to hang around my house.
He hugged me and quietly said "thanks 'Ma', I wouldn't have survived without your house."
Made me cry that day, he did!

Beauty, you have more power to help than you probably realize, just by being there for that family.

Blessings on your pretty noggin, dear.

 

[disykat]

I agree with taking him aside briefly and in a very low-key way telling him if he ever needs to talk or just needs a hug you're there. Then send him off to play and let him come to you if he wants. He'll appreciate having a place to play where he can kind of escape from it all, but he'll know you're around if needed.

Every once in a while I remind my own kids of this too!

I'm so glad for Hunter that he has you and JC to help him and his mom through this difficult time. Just having someone "be there" must mean the world.

 

[Beauty]

He left a little while ago. His 15 year old cousin came and picked him up. Before he walked out the door I hugged him, told him I loved him and told him if he ever needed me to do anything just let me know. I also told him to tell his mother that is she needed him to stay with us for a few days or so that it was fine and that he was always welcome here.

 

[doxdogy]

Ditto to what disykat said. Just tell him you are there for him and he is always welcomed at your house.

 

[kdibattista]

First of all, you are doing a wonderful thing by looking out for him. If I were you, I would not say anything unless he brings it up. Just my opinion though. Good Luck!!

 

[Princess Michelle]

That really is sad, sad enough for the wife but so horrible that this little boy had to witness it as well. My prayers are with Hunter and his family, this is going to be a rough road for them to travel. I agree with what others have already said. I wouldn't specifically bring it up, I'm sure he is very embarrassed about the whole thing along with a billion other emotions. If he brings it up I would just listen and give him love and support, which it sounds like you are doing a great job of already. Just keep being there for him, he's going to need that stability during this time. Give him and his mom a {{{hug}}} for me too, I'm sure they can use all the extra ones they can get right now.

 

[Mishetta]

OH Beth...you have such a big heart that strays & troubled people seem to find you! (Strays as in animals...how many you have now anyway??)

I agree with the majority of the posters, just gently let him know that you're there if he needs to talk. I also hope that J-C doesn't have to hear about what his little buddy witnessed.

This world is so screwed up! So sorry to hear about the Mom. I'd have to kill my husband if he did that to us. (Remember, "till death do us part!")

 

[Beauty]

You got it....TILL DEATH DO US PART! Heck Lorana Bobbit has nothing on me if I ever found John cheating....of course I would hate to hear him say what he would do to me if he caught me!!!! I'm just so happy to have a blessed and happy marriage and to get along so well with John after 14 years (12 of marriage). You know I swear the key to a good marriage is always keeping it fun. I mean really fun like running in the rain and playing or turning up the radio and holding hands or even playing with the Nerf Guns like we did while ago. Don't let it get boring!!

Oh and Rose....we only have 10....but I get Isis this Saturday

Heck I don't think I can deal with anymore!! John's best friend who moved to the Memphis area in 2001 is divorcing his wife and we are in the middle.

One of my very best friends is FINALLY leaving her abusive husband. I'm not in the middle of this one but I'm scared for her and worried about her.

And now Hunter and his mom!

 

[wdwnutze]

Sounds like you handled it just right! I'm sure that the hug you gave him and the reassuring words were just what he needed. He knows now that if he needs anything he has someone he can turn to. You are a very kind- caring woman and I'm sure the little boy really appreciates it.

 

[Val]

Thank you for helping this young man. My family was a disaster growing up. Long story, but finally my grandparents got custody when I was 14. Thank goodness for the neighbors up the street- a wonderful Mormon family by the name of Lee. They let me talk when I needed, didn't force me. Let us kids stay when we needed, provided food, comfort, sometimes clothing, always a kind heart and ear. I am not sure WHERE we would be today without these neighbors. You are doing the right thing just by being there and letting him know you ARE willing to talk, but won't force the issue. Bless you!