Sad.... nothing big, but sad nonetheless

[tink2020]

So before you read this, please let me just say that I know this is nothing in comparison to the pain and suffering we see currently on TV.... and that which we are remembering and reflecting upon today, September 11th.....

...but my heart still hurts.



I was thinking this morning of the person I shared comfort with on September 11th, 2001. This person, as of very recent events, is apparantly no longer in my life....

I met Rishan on a Collegiate Chorale retreat in the fall of 2001, and - other than my DH who was a friend at the time, and some family - I have never had a more important person come into my life. He was one of my dearest friends .... someone who supported me in dreams that others thought were absurd.... someone who made me laugh hysterically when I was freaking out about wedding plans, diet woes, other things -- large or small -- that I may have been dealing with.

When his father lost his job and they faced the possibility of moving back to Sri Lanka, DH and I spent days with him.

On the most important day of my life, he made a huge sacrifice to be a part of my wedding.




And then, one day, he asked advice of me that I knew was coming. He had been struggling with something for a while, and I told him what he did not want to hear. This is always the hardest part of a true friendship, no? Telling someone the truth, even when it hurts?

Well, we haven't spoken since. DH tries to comfort me by saying that certainly a "true friend" would realize that I was just trying to do the right thing for him...... and I tried to believe that....... but I know Rish was a true friend. I have been on his end of the same situtation, so I just kept telling myself that he needed some time.


I still don't know what decision he made with said situation. I don't know how he is doing, I don't know if they are moving or not, I don't know how his final year at Miami is going......

It's like a huge part of me is missing. For several weeks I would make the occasional phone call, leave a message telling him something funny or wishing him a good afternoon (like I always have in the past).... but now I'm sure that's the last thing he wants if he is truly upset with me.

Where does that leave me? How do I let him know that I am here for him, now or in 20 years if he wants or needs that friendship? How do you fill that void?

Please don't get me wrong. The rest of my life is going perfectly. I feel guilty and ENTIRELY selfish even crying over something like this.... I feel like I'm back in high school or something.

I guess I didn't know "adults" could feel the same pain, and deal with the same heartache?

Lol.... sorry for my rambling. I'm hoping that by finally getting it out, crying a bit, and maybe some happy thoughts that I'll be able to just cherish the times we shared, you know?

Thanks for listening (reading)

 

[SherryNC]

 

[ericamanda01]

If I were you I would try and contact him. Years ago a very close friend betrayed me. I didn't talk to her for 4 years, then she contacted me. It was tough for me to forgive her, but I am sure it was harder for her to cantact me. We are still only having an email relationship, but I admired her for even taking the first step.

 

[laurajetter]

Wow, that must be hard. Maybe you could write him a letter. Tell him how much you've missed his friendship and it wasn't easy for you to give him your opinion about what he should do, but you felt that you needed to be honest because you valued your friendship. You are so sorry that because of that your friendship has ended.

You can say that it doesn't matter to you what his ultimate decision was, because it was his decision to make but you hate to lose such a wonderful friendship over it. Basically write out all of your feelings and tell him that you really wish you could be friends again. Once you've written it all out, perhaps you can mention that regardless of how he feels at this point, you will always be there for him, no matter what, no matter how long. Tell him that you'd love to hear from him.

I find that I can express myself much more fully when I write it out. I am able to make sure I get all of my feelings out; sometimes when talking to someone I leave something out, or it comes out in a not-so-eloquent way. Also, by writing a letter, it will give him time for it to sink in and he won't be forced into an immediate response as he would if you were talking to him.

Good luck

Laura

 

[wdw4us]

I'm sorry for you. Years ago over 30, I lost a friend like that. She was jealous of me. I've seen her a few times - we've run into each other and we are always polite but it was never the same. I truly miss her but have moved on. I wonder what my life would be like if she had stayed it it. The problem was, I grew up and became independent, she wanted to be the ring leader of my friends. She still is the ring leader. I guess I didn't want to be led around any more.

She said lies about me that some of my "friends" believed. I still feel the loss at times but I don't dwell on it. I turned into a different person, she is still the same. It is hard when someone who is such a big part of your life leaves, they impact you forever but if she knew me now, I still don't think she'd like me. Maybe it's a good thing we separated.

Cherish what you had with your friend, you probably will never get it back. If it means that much to you, continue to approach him but don't let yourself be a door mat. Pickup and move on.

denise

 

[chell]

Don't feel bad at all for feeling the way you do. It shows that you have a wonderful heart. I hope he does talk to you soon and lets you know how much he appreciates your friendship.

 

[Sparx]

 

[Disney Doll]

I am sorry you are hurt. You did the right thing by telling your friend what they "needed" to hear rather than what they "wanted" to hear...but doing that is always a risk!!!

Write your friend a letter, tell him you miss him, tell him you will always wish him well, tell him if he veer decides he wants to talk that your door is open, and then you must let this go, put it where it belongs in your life and move on.

Letting go is the hardest part.

 

[tink2020]

Thank you all so much for your kindness already! I know I need to move on, but yes - that is the hardest part.

I have thought about writing a letter that spells it all out.... and I guess that would be a good way to "end it" (possibly) and let him know that if and when HE is ready, we can start again.

*sigh*

I guess time heals....

 

[chell]

Thank you all so much for your kindness already! I know I need to move on, but yes - that is the hardest part.

I have thought about writing a letter that spells it all out.... and I guess that would be a good way to "end it" (possibly) and let him know that if and when HE is ready, we can start again.

*sigh*

I guess time heals....

The letter is a good idea even if you never mail it to him. It will make you feel better to get all of the emotions out and get something down on a piece of paper.

 

[Robinrs]

This is not small, it is sad to lose a good friend....

As my son started the 6th grade I realized I met my best friend in the same grate, nearly 40 years ago. We grew up together, went to the same schools, she even moved to Atlanta with her family when I moved down back in 1988....

Then she lost her Mom.

Her Mom was MY Mom, too, we loved her so much and just like that she was gone. She said a few STUPID things to the family and everything just went wrong. I tried to reach her but her sister told me she was now schizophrenic and not listening to anyone. She wrote me the nastiest letter about my life, all true but very judgemental, and it was just OVER.

That was 12 years ago. My son asked me today did I miss her. I do....

DO contact him. People sometimes hear the wrong thing and sometimes they are simply waiting for you to point it out to them. Let him know you're open to discussion, but please don't waste years wondering "what if".... like I still do.

God bless,

Robinrs

 

[tink2020]

Well, sent a letter and made a few more phone calls. Really laid it all out: how much I missed him, how much it hurt, apologized if what i said hurt, etc etc etc.

No response. I haven't talked to him for MONTHS.

It's not hurting every day..... but I don't know that I'll ever STOP wishing he were a part of my life.

I guess there's still lots of time.................

Thanks again for listening thus far

 

[chell]

HUGE HUGS!

 

[wdw4us]

It's his loss too! He lost you. Too bad he hasn't realized that. Some people are so stubborn. One day he may understand what you did was for the best, and hopefully he'll be in a better place mentally to come back.

I'm glad you were brave enough to try. No regrets!

denise

 

[tink2020]

It's his loss too! He lost you. Too bad he hasn't realized that. Some people are so stubborn. One day he may understand what you did was for the best, and hopefully he'll be in a better place mentally to come back.

I'm glad you were brave enough to try. No regrets!

denise

thank you. I DO know that to be true. Maybe I just need to keep reading it some days.....

 

[live4christp1]

Forgiveness - Jim Witter

Little Mickey Johnson was my very best friend
First grade we swore we'd stay that way to the end
In 7th grade somebody stole my bike
I asked Mickey if he knew who did it;
And he lied

You see it was him; Oh, when I found out
It hit me like a ton of bricks
I can still see that look on his face
When I said,I never want to talk to you again

CHORUS:
Sometimes we lose our way
And don't say things we should say
We hold on to stubborn pride
When we should put it all aside
To waste the time forgiving seemed so senseless
When one little word should be so hard
Forgiveness

A little card arrived on my wedding day
"Best Wishes from an old friend" was all it had to say
No return address, no not even a name
The messy way that it was written gave it away

It was him; oh, I just had to laugh
As the past came flooding through my mind
I should have picked up the phone right then and there
But I just didn't make the time

Sunday morning paper arrived on my step
First thing I read filled my heart with regret
I saw a name I hadn't seen in a while
Said he was was survived by a wife and a child

And it was him; Oh, I found out
Tears just fell like rain
And I realized that I missed my chance
To ever talk to him again

Little Mickey Johnson was my very best friend

 

[tink2020]

Update....

I've been having an INCREDIBLY rough month.... and I guess maybe word spread....

and Rishan emailed me today. He started out saying that he had seen for a few weeks that I was in need of a friend.... and that it killed him not to be able to offer support.

He explained that he pushed me away for selfish reasons, and then that even once he "got over" those reasons, he felt like it would be difficult to come back and apologize, etc. He said that the longer he did that, of course the harder it would be to "come back".

But he sent a letter saying that he is here if I need him, and he's sorry, but he'll wait for me to contact him.

PRAISE GOD! As far as I'm concerned, of course I still want his friendship. Yes, this was a painful situation, but - as he mentioned - he waited this long and the tension built up, and he STILL had the courage to ask for forgiveness. I think that's an awfully big person, and I could really use a friend now anway

I just thought I'd update you since you all took the time to care.... thanks again, so very much!

 

[MsLeFever]

What a happy ending to your original post and hopefully a happy beginning to a new stage of friendship!

 

[wdw4us]

Wow, it’s almost like a movie – a Disney movie with a happy ending!

I always say – In the Grand Scheme of things – does it really matter?

If I have the green light and I am in the right, in the GSOF, if I get killed because the driver going the opposite way was wrong through the RED LIGHT, who loses? Being right doesn’t make you live.

When my children really get to me and I KNOW I’m right, if I lose the child in the process, who wins? NO ONE!

Sit back, review everything before you make decisions, being right isn’t all that’s cracked up to be, you were a bigger person to go the extra inch in this case and you all win.

Good for you!

denise