Romance Advice

[Mickeyflower]

I'm in need of some objective advice regarding my Boyfriend of 4 years.

Background:
I was laid off about 6 months after we started dating. Was unemployed for 3 years. I'm now happily employed. He is not. He was laid off almost 2 years ago, first time in his life. He lost his BEST FRIEND suddenly in 2012. We do not live together.

Issues:
He has absolutely no interest in going to Disney with me or indulging in any of my interests. In fact, he often will make fun of it, or "slam" it as I say. He does this with just about everything I enjoy, right down to the TV shows I watch. He never comes to my house, and I have to literally drag him to any of my family functions. I've always been willing to try new things with him. I even watched professional wrestling on TV. I went camping with him for the first time in over 20 years simply because he asked me to. If I ask him to do something new he rolls his eyes and give me excuses as to why he doesn't want to go or try this new thing of mine. In the four years we've been together he has been to 4 of my family gatherings. His mother called me a gold digger, (I don't even take bridge fare from him and I drive to his place every weekend) has said nothing nice about me since she met me. I understand that he is stressed out because of his unemployment and things that he's had never had to deal with. I'm trying to be as patient as I can with him, but I'm starting to wonder. He was very patient with me when I lost my dear niece, we started dating shortly after she died. I'm trying to extend him the same courtesy, but I feel like I'm getting nowhere. My friends keep telling me to end it with him because we're not married so why stay and work it out. My response is typically been just because we're not married does not mean we should not work through it.

Questions:
Am I putting effort into a dead end relationship?
Does it appear that he just has no interest in working through our relationship?
Is his jerkiness because he's unemployed?
What would you do?

 

[dansyr2514]

Ask yourself ....are you happy? It may start to put some things in perspective for you.

 

[JimmyV]

Questions:
Am I putting effort into a dead end relationship? Sure sounds that way. And not because I know everything about you or the situation. Instead, this is evident simply by the way you phrased your concerns. The whole post is written from a defeatist angle and not from an angle suggesting that things will ever get better.

Does it appear that he just has no interest in working through our relationship? He clearly is not invested in this relationship as much as you are. If he is rolling his eyes and shows no enthusiasm for your interests now in the "dating stage", it will only get worse if the relationship moves to the more steady marriage phase.

Is his jerkiness because he's unemployed? Only you know the answer to this, as you will have witnessed his behavior and demeanor before and after his employment status changed.

What would you do?

I could never have an LTR with someone who rolled their eyes and made fun of my suggestions and interests. That does not spell "partnership". It spells "control freak".

 

[ShesAPirate]

I'm in need of some objective advice regarding my Boyfriend of 4 years.

Background:
I was laid off about 6 months after we started dating. Was unemployed for 3 years. I'm now happily employed. He is not. He was laid off almost 2 years ago, first time in his life. He lost his BEST FRIEND suddenly in 2012. We do not live together.

Issues:
He has absolutely no interest in going to Disney with me or indulging in any of my interests. In fact, he often will make fun of it, or "slam" it as I say. He does this with just about everything I enjoy, right down to the TV shows I watch. He never comes to my house, and I have to literally drag him to any of my family functions. I've always been willing to try new things with him. I even watched professional wrestling on TV. I went camping with him for the first time in over 20 years simply because he asked me to. If I ask him to do something new he rolls his eyes and give me excuses as to why he doesn't want to go or try this new thing of mine. In the four years we've been together he has been to 4 of my family gatherings. His mother called me a gold digger, (I don't even take bridge fare from him and I drive to his place every weekend) has said nothing nice about me since she met me. I understand that he is stressed out because of his unemployment and things that he's had never had to deal with. I'm trying to be as patient as I can with him, but I'm starting to wonder. He was very patient with me when I lost my dear niece, we started dating shortly after she died. I'm trying to extend him the same courtesy, but I feel like I'm getting nowhere. My friends keep telling me to end it with him because we're not married so why stay and work it out. My response is typically been just because we're not married does not mean we should not work through it.

Questions:
Am I putting effort into a dead end relationship?
Does it appear that he just has no interest in working through our relationship?
Is his jerkiness because he's unemployed?
What would you do?

I agree with you when you say that not being married doesn't mean you shouldn't work through things... but 4 years together and you don't live together? 4 years and he's been to 4 of your family functions? He makes fun of you for what you love?

The question is, are you with him because he's unemployed and you'd feel guilty for leaving? The only nice thing you said about this guy is that he was there for you at a rough time in your life... and really, all you said is that he was "patient" -- not necessarily that he was loving, caring, supportive, etc (I don't know, I'm just assuming from the tone of everything else you wrote).

Just seeing what you wrote here, from that perspective alone, this doesn't sound like someone who is putting any effort at all into your relationship. What do you love about him? What is he bringing to the relationship? I'm not asking rhetorical questions -- I actually want to know/think you should ask yourself.

Finally, hugs to you. I'm sorry you're in a lousy situation right now.

 

[Mickeyflower]

He is loving, he calls or texts me every night to say good night. I was a mess when my nice died by suicide, I was in therapy so I talked there but when I cried, he'd hold me.

Yes 4 years and we don't live together. I was unemployed for so long and I didn't want to take that step until I could financially contribute.

 

[wiigirl]

Ask yourself ....are you happy? It may start to put some things in perspective for you.

 

[disney2014plan]

Is that your niece in your sig - she looks beautiful there; I'm sorry for your loss.

When you say that you are trying to work things out, do you mean that you are hanging on hoping things will change or are you trying to make changes/talk about the problems?

For example, his mum calls you a gold digger - ridiculous as he is unemployed, but never mind - and denigrates you. What was his reaction to that? Did he stick up for you?

Have you talked to him about what you want from the relationship, and how some things are less than ideal for you? His reaction to that will tell you what the right thing to do is.

Sitting down with him one evening and saying "I really enjoy being with you, but I'd really like us to be doing more things together like [insert]" or "It's fun being together, but when you tease me about the things I like doing, I feel hurt, because I would like us to enjoy at least some of them together, and I would for you to come to my family events".

If he laughs it off, tells you it's not a problem (when you have just told him that it is), then that tells you what you need to know. If he is apologetic (after all he may have assumed all is ok, because you have never said anything), and more importantly, shows you that he has made those changes, then that would show you that he is willing to work at the relationship.

Good luck, it's a scary step to do that, but if the relationship is not right (and where do YOU see it going?) then it has run its course, and better to recognise it now than to prolong things unnecessarily.

Best wishes.

 

[Mickeyflower]

Yes that is my niece in my signature, thank you.

I (we) are trying to work things out and make changes where possible. We communicate pretty well, I think. At least we used to.

As for his mother, he says that he walked out and went home when she said that. A couple of other times, he hung up on her. I don't recall if he said something to her or even if she still bad mouths me, after the gold digger comment I told him I will not go around his mother. I do, however, send her flowers on her birthday, Thanksgiving & Christmas.

Maybe I will sit and talk like you suggested. It is possible that I haven't been clear on my feelings about is behavior. I guess I just don't want to come across as attacking him or not being patient given his current circumstances.

 

[disney2014plan]

Sending your way and hoping for a good outcome for you Mickeyflower.