Ridiculous wedding expectations

[mjkacmom]

That's what I was saying - the ones that are having the big weddings are the ones that had plenty of money to begin with, but the majority of this generation is delaying marriage and children precisely because they don't have money. On the other hand, some of this generation that did wind up married with kids, still didn't do the big to do because they weren't born with that silver spoon in their mouth, they would have been following the herd and putting it off except that they had a happy accident.

It was a long winded and poorly worded way of saying that the millennials that are spending the big bucks aren't the majority, the bigger trend in the news and stats (and intergenerational handwringing) is that we're putting it off because we're broke.

I live in an area where people marry later. It's because most go to college, and women have careers. I got married over 20 years ago, at the age of 28, the second out of all of my friends to get married. I had a baby a year later, most of my friends were in their early 30's before starting a family. It had nothing to do with saving for a wedding (which have always been big expensive events here - I just saw my grandparents' wedding invitation, very formal, reception at a country club).

 

[poober25]

I just cannot fathom being asked to pay that kind of price for a bachelor party! I've been married for 23.5 years. My DH's bachelor party was watching The 3 Stooges" with his father, brother, and maybe a couple of others in his hotel room after the rehearsal dinner. My "bachelorette" party was my bridal party (including my 13 y/o jr. bridesmaid and 6 y/o flower girl) at Swensen's gorging on ice cream. I felt bad enough that my bridesmaid were paying around $100 for their dresses in 1993 and almost all of them had to travel 4 hours. We had our wedding my hometown, which is 4 hours away from DH's hometown, and I've heard people refer to my wedding as a destination wedding (I don't think you call it that if it in the bride's hometown and that's where all of her family lives). I don't remember what our total wedding costs were, but I know our honeymoon was less than the proposed bachelor party! On another note, DH told me recently that he had read an article that said there was inverse relationship between the cost of a wedding and the length of a marriage. The more expensive the wedding, the shorter the marriage. I found that interesting. We always said that the wedding was important, but not nearly as important as the rest of our lives.

 

[Jhaberlein]

There's just no way my DH would agree to that cost, even for his closest friend/relative.

If I read the previous posts correctly it seems like the future grooms Disney trip is being funded (at least in part) by his mother and OP. DH had a friend who, despite having a comfortable income, refused to pay for anything "fun." He managed to get the guys to pay for his meals out, always bumming rides, etc. It got to the point where the friendship ended because the guys were feeling used. Perhaps the groom to be is one who has become accustomed to having everyone else foot his bill.

Weddings are all about expectations and I think it's rare when everyone's expectations are met 100%. I know my view of my wedding is likely much different than my mother's. My DH had been married previously and has a very small immediate family and the guys in his small military unit are his extended family. I come from a massive Italian family (16 first cousins on dads side alone). Mom wanted us to get married no more than an hour away from home (DH and I love 2 hours away) and invite all family and her friends. As I explained it to her, that would have made it MY wedding, not OUR wedding. My guest list would have easily topped 200 with just family. DHs guest list was in the 20 person range. We entertained the idea and even checked out a venue, but it just never felt right.

We ended up having a destination wedding of sorts. We found an all inclusive bed and breakfast at the beach where we vacation. The price we (DH and I paid for everything) paid included accommodations for both of our immediate families (so no hotel costs for them), the ceremony, flowers, appetizers, dinner, alcohol, and breakfast the following morning. At my mother's insistence I also invited my aunts, uncles, and cousins, and DH invited his military family. We never had the expectation that everyone attend, and requested no gifts. Those who could attend did, and there were no hard feelings towards those who couldn't. A few months later we hosted a picnic in my hometown (again with the no gift request) and my mother got to invite whomever she wished.

On the way to my hometown we still pass the one venue we looked at. Every time I comment that I am so glad we didn't go the traditional route. And ever summer we take and evening and go to the bed and breakfast, get a picture beneath the archway where we exchanged vows, and take a walk on the beach.

 

[Fyrefly]

Hell to the no on that cost, groom sounds selfish/spoiled/completely nuts.

I feel the need to chime in on everyone shaking their heads at how entitled people of my generation are - remember you don't hear about the people who are perfectly within a reasonable budget and don't make a spectacle of themselves. I planned my friend's bachelorette last year. We did a glass-blowing workshop at a studio early afternoon, went back and borrowed the movie theatre at my apartment complex to watch The Princess Bride and had chips/soda, then took her out to see Into the Woods at Toby's Dinner Theatre that night. Total cost was $150-$180 pp depending on how elaborate a glass thing you chose to make, and that was completely covering the bride as well and only splitting the cost between 3 of the 5 bridesmaids because one was out of town and couldn't come and the other took very ill right beforehand.

I'm engaged now and if anyone asks me (I would never plan my own) I'll probably ask for a room escape/laser tag and a nice meal out and maybe some board games or something at home after. It's perfectly easy to have a memorable time with your girls/guys without it being a massive once-in-a-lifetime production and I'd question the life priorities of anyone who would want to put their friends into debt over such a thing.

 

[MommyBryn]

Wow! I would totally bow out completely, too!!! We won't even pay $500 to get our family to a local family reunion this summer because we don't want to use our vacation fund on something an hour away! (we'll make it a priority to visit for at least a day, but we are not draining our funds to spend the night for housing and food that close to home) To expect people to come up with thousands of dollars for something like that just boggles my mind.

I am 30 and DH and I have been married for 12 years now (were 18 and 21). Our wedding was $2000 total and very nice and sweet, and I didn't have a bachelorette party though I did have a simple family bridal shower. DH went paintballing with his buddies for his party, though. Money is fleeting...I can't believe how much is spent on a ONE DAY event now. We could have gone bigger and "fancier" but to me there is so little point in spending all that money. It's always shocked me, though. I do live in the west in a fairly rural area and most of my peers had pretty reasonable weddings as well, though there are those who moved to the city and went much bigger, so I'm sure a lot of it has to do with where you're from. Here something like that is just practically unheard of, and I'm thankful for it!!!

 

[jerseygirl82]

But will they "require" or ask him to still cover his portion of the grooms trip since he's a groomsman. I would decline that part too.

They could ask or "require" all they want but I'd still not pay it. If I'm not going, I'm not financially responsible.

 

[ellie05]

OP here we are back from our trip . While we wanted to wait to deal with this DH received an email from the groomsman2 Wednesday. So I'll back up and describe the wedding party.

Best man - single, construction worker still lives at home.

Groomsman 1-Father of the groom. Almost retired, owns a business for a long time. Financially they are very comfortable. Wife never worked and they have nice home and a nice vacation home.

Groomsman 2- teacher, got married a couple of years ago.

Groom- they have a 4 year old daughter together they been together almost 10 years. Works at dad company.

DH and I are in our late 20's so are all the others give or take 1-2 years (except for grooms father). We have no kids we have been married for 8 years. We did have a very nice wedding that my dad paid for it. My bachelorette weekend we had it at a spa and it was nowhere near the cost of this trip. DH just went out with his friends for a night. Because my dad offer to pay for our wedding and our families and friends don't live near each other we had the wedding in my hometown which meant most people had to fly there. I didn't think it was fair that my dad would had to pay the whole wedding plus airfare, hotel, etc. Although his offer to pay didn't come with any strings attached or budget was set. I still try to keep cost reasonable because I feel weird spending other people's money.

Ok back to the story. Groomsman #2 told DH that he can't afford that since they are trying to buy a house and it is just too much. He asked what he thought about it. So after a few emails back and forth DH and groomsman #2 send and email together. Saying that they appreciate the invite, but they will not be going on the trip and that each of them are willing to contribute $200 towards the party and that they hope they have a good trip. We still haven't heard back from them and I don't expect to since they really didn't leave them another option than to take the $400 or nothing.

Honestly think most people have just unreasonable expectations and mostly they come because they are immature and have no other responsibilities. Unlike many of our peers we have owned our house for 8 years, and while we do have a nice amount of money to do whatever we want because we don't have kids we don't like just to blow it. Most of my single friends with good jobs spend their money in stupid things and are not worried about saving for retirement or saving at all and most likely won't put much if any away until they get married and start understanding responsibilities. The truth is it doesn't matter how much you make because if you are not responsible you will end up in the same place regardless of income.

 

[kathy884]

ellie05, That was a great way to handle it. Look too at how interested everyone was in your post and how much discussion it brought out! Wow. We've all had fun following the discussion and chiming in. // You'll have to get back to us if you get any feedback and maybe even post back after the wedding. // Wishing you all the best and I hope you have a wonderful time. I think it's really nice that you are attending the wedding, and no on the over the top fishing trip is just so perfectly reasonable.

 

[elaine amj]

Glad your DH backed out.

We have never been invited to a $$ bachelor party but was plagued with guilt about nephew's destination wedding. I tried to make it work, but even after all my travel hacks, it would have cost us about double our average vacation cost. We could afford it, but we were reluctant to spend that much more than we normally would (even though we did like their destination and will likely end up there some day). I attended the wedding shower and declined the wedding.

 

[Vernie822]

I think you handled it very maturely. Your husband could've pitched a fit (as I'm sure a lot of people do over this kind of thing) but he handled it maturely and even offered to pay a portion which was very kind. I hope that the groom is receptive to how your DH & the other friend handled the situation.