Retired in-laws and new vehicles (grumble, not rant)

[yoopermom]

I love my ILs dearly, have known them for 30 years, but they're driving DH crazy, so I get the fallout...

Neither saved for retirement, or have any pension except social security.

If they would be frugal, they could live ok, but both "have" to work p/t and why?

Because each INSISTS on having a new car every five years! Both SIL and I have gone over the numbers with them repeatedly, but it's now to the point that we just have to say, "no complaining about work if you insist on having a new vehicle!"

MIL is on a search for a new one right now, despite the fact that her little KIA four door only has 40000 miles on it with a 100K warranty, and she only drives it maybe 10 miles a day .

Not my worry, I know, but I hate to see DH and his siblings upset by it...

Terri

 

[riley2008]

I can TOTALLY commensurate. My 76 year old step-dad can't retire for the same reason, but he likes new cars every three years. His last trade-in was a Dodge Journey that had.....7,000 miles on it after three years.

Parents have no retirement - nothing. What my mother did have in her 401K, she took out to by a new A/C for the house. (Mind you the A/C wasn't broke, cooling fine, but because it was about 12 years old, they decided it would be a good investment.)

My step father is being semi-forced into retirement - should have happened about 3 years ago imho. Parents have no idea how they will afford the house they've been living in for 16 years. (Payments are cheaper than any one bedroom apartment around - they've looked.) They have never re-fiananced and have a 7.25% loan.

I can only offer so much advice and stay firm if it ever happens they want to live with us.

(Then again, this is the same couple that gave a homeless guy doing lawn work for them a cell phone [on my plan] that we had given them in case of an emergency. They "thought" it had unlimited minutes and it wouldn't matter, since they weren't really using it that much.)

I just hope I'm learning from their mistakes.

 

[bpesch]

Let's face it, lots of people are just not good when it comes to finances. I watch friends and family doing that type of stuff all the time. I just smile and pretty much say what you're saying... I don't want to hear it, you know what you're getting into when you go to buy that better car, boat, motorcycle, vacation, jewelry, luxury, etc.

 

[angierae]

My thoughts on things like this is as long as people aren't asking me for money, I don't care how they spend theirs. If working to be able to afford new cars is a priority to them, then hey, go for it. If they were buying new cars and then borrowing money to pay their bills, then I would voice an opinion.

It's annoying to hear someone complain about something they don't "have" to do, but honestly, we all do that in one form or another.

 

[donalduck]

why do you even care? It's not your life it's theres. They are going to do whatever they want to do and don't care what anyone has to say. You can't fix stupid people.

I love my ILs dearly, have known them for 30 years, but they're driving DH crazy, so I get the fallout...

Neither saved for retirement, or have any pension except social security.

If they would be frugal, they could live ok, but both "have" to work p/t and why?

Because each INSISTS on having a new car every five years! Both SIL and I have gone over the numbers with them repeatedly, but it's now to the point that we just have to say, "no complaining about work if you insist on having a new vehicle!"

MIL is on a search for a new one right now, despite the fact that her little KIA four door only has 40000 miles on it with a 100K warranty, and she only drives it maybe 10 miles a day .

Not my worry, I know, but I hate to see DH and his siblings upset by it...

Terri

 

[yoopermom]

why do you even care? It's not your life it's theres. They are going to do whatever they want to do and don't care what anyone has to say. You can't fix stupid people.

I care for three reasons:
1)I love them dearly, despite their habits
2)DH feels "responsible" (because he's a good kid/husband/etc)
3)They miss family events, like their grand and great grand kids sporting events and performances because "sorry have to work"

And, no, I can't imagine having to take them in. I think SIL and I would have to wrestle, and I outweigh her big time, so think I'd win .

Good to know I'm not alone, though!

Terri

 

[DawnM]

She cares because it is family she loves. It also might eventually cause issues when they can't care for themselves and need help.

And really, calling their family stupid? That is simply uncalled for.

why do you even care? It's not your life it's theres. They are going to do whatever they want to do and don't care what anyone has to say. You can't fix stupid people.

 

[Marionnette]

I care for three reasons:
1)I love them dearly, despite their habits
2)DH feels "responsible" (because he's a good kid/husband/etc)
3)They miss family events, like their grand and great grand kids sporting events and performances because "sorry have to work"

And, no, I can't imagine having to take them in. I think SIL and I would have to wrestle, and I outweigh her big time, so think I'd win .

Good to know I'm not alone, though!

Terri

I don't see why this is your concern or that of your husband. If his parents choose to work so that they can have those new cars, what difference does it make to you? Are they asking you to cosign? Or pay the insurance? Are you buying groceries for them? Or slipping them a couple hundred $$ every now and then because they can't pay the electric bill? If they are, then just tell them no. You don't have to enable them. If they aren't hitting you up for money, then butt out of how they spend theirs.

Some people like newer cars. Some people travel to Disney a lot. If they are willing to work for what they have, I cannot understand why it should be a concern.

 

[donalduck]

I never said you didn't love the dearly. Why does your DH feel "RESPONSIBLE" He isn't the one buying a new car every year and spending money like crazy. Also they are the ones who miss out on being at the family things and sporting events and performances. And WHY WOULD YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM IN? What they are doing is there own issues you shouldn't have to suffer from there mistakes. They can stop buying new cars and sell there house they can't afford and get a cheaper house so that they can live within there means.

I care for three reasons:
1)I love them dearly, despite their habits
2)DH feels "responsible" (because he's a good kid/husband/etc)
3)They miss family events, like their grand and great grand kids sporting events and performances because "sorry have to work"

And, no, I can't imagine having to take them in. I think SIL and I would have to wrestle, and I outweigh her big time, so think I'd win .

Good to know I'm not alone, though!

Terri

 

[StayCool]

I never said you didn't love the dearly. Why does your DH feel "RESPONSIBLE" He isn't the one buying a new car every year and spending money like crazy. Also they are the ones who miss out on being at the family things and sporting events and performances. And WHY WOULD YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM IN? What they are doing is there own issues you shouldn't have to suffer from there mistakes. They can stop buying new cars and sell there house they can't afford and get a cheaper house so that they can live within there means.

No need to be rude or so judgemental.

OP I feel for you. Just be there to listen to DH and support him. Hopefully it will never come down to you having to take them in. I feel like that about my own parents. They do not have a penny to their names and spend everything each week. But they have mulitple cars etc etc. My dad is a junk, ahem, antique... collector and tells us that that will be our inheritance. I tell him that when he goes I will just call the garbage company... Sometimes you just can't change people.

 

[swilshire]

I disagree with many of the financial decisions my grown children make as well, but we all have different things we value. I drive my cars until they are near death, but new cars mean something to some people. I seldom eat out, but DD eats out more than I think she can afford. Better to avoid comment on how others spend the money they earn, no matter how closely related they are to you.

As for working after retirement, some people do it for the social interaction as much as for the money. Even if they grumble about working, they may be happy to have somewhere to go some days. I can't picture staying home day after day unless I had plenty of money to travel and do other fun things. I'd rather be working.

Sheila

 

[RitaE]

I understand where the OP is coming from. If nothing else it upsets her husband and then she feels upset to see him unhappy. That has to be frustrating at the very least.

It's a grumble, not even a full-fledged rant. Who HASN'T had an in-law grumble every once and awhile?

 

[angierae]

As for working after retirement, some people do it for the social interaction as much as for the money. Even if they grumble about working, they may be happy to have somewhere to go some days. I can't picture staying home day after day unless I had plenty of money to travel and do other fun things. I'd rather be working.

Sheila

My MIL is in her early 70's and she worked a few times post-retirement and now does volunteer work a few days a week. She does not find retirement "freeing", she actually rather hates it. She's widowed, and she is bored. So I can totally see why someone would keep working just to have something in their schedule.

 

[DisneyEater]

If they are driving that little and replacing that often, a lease might actually make more sense for them.

 

[yoopermom]

My MIL is in her early 70's and she worked a few times post-retirement and now does volunteer work a few days a week. She does not find retirement "freeing", she actually rather hates it. She's widowed, and she is bored. So I can totally see why someone would keep working just to have something in their schedule.

This is what my MIL would *like* to do (my SIL works at a museum, and MIL would love to volunteer there), but instead she's frying chicken and other deli foods at WalMart, lifting and bending and being on her feet (for longer hours than what her doctor would like).

What's sad is that management keeps giving her more hours than she should be having, because all the "young" employees in that department have terrible work ethic, don't show up, show up "on" something, quit unexpectedly, etc.

And I am going to suggest to her the possibility of leasing, it probably would be better for her, if she insists on this....

Thanks everyone!

Terri

 

[robinb]

My thoughts on things like this is as long as people aren't asking me for money, I don't care how they spend theirs. If working to be able to afford new cars is a priority to them, then hey, go for it. If they were buying new cars and then borrowing money to pay their bills, then I would voice an opinion.

It's annoying to hear someone complain about something they don't "have" to do, but honestly, we all do that in one form or another.

Then you have your head firmly in the sand. Elderly parents don't live in a vacuum and it falls to the children to support them once they have frittered away their money to pay for unnecessary items like new cars. Apparently you MIL planned for her retirement. My in-laws did too. My mother, not so much and she, like the OP's parents, subsists on Social Security and VA payments.

 

[eliza61]

I understand where the OP is coming from. If nothing else it upsets her husband and then she feels upset to see him unhappy. That has to be frustrating at the very least.

It's a grumble, not even a full-fledged rant. Who HASN'T had an in-law grumble every once and awhile?

LOL. Let me count the ways!! Only with me it's some times my family.

anyhoo, Op, one thing I've learned is that I cannot control other peoples actions, I can only control my reaction and how I will or will not let the consequences effect me.

Encourage your dh to "let go" if at all possible. #1 HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE THEM. Not yelling but simply really strongly emphasizing this point. You guys can beg, plead, jump up and down, guilt, talk endlessly to his parents. they have already established their financial style.

If missing out on family functions hasn't made it "sink" in, nothing you say is going to make that happen.

So now the issue is how you two respond to them. I let go of my sibling (in my case it is a brother) a while ago. When he can't make holiday dinners I simply say "we'll miss you" and move on.

Ask your dh, all the time he gets upset, has it made 1 whit of difference in his parents behaviour? I'm guessing it has not. So in the end, who is going to have ulcers over it? YOu and him and your inlaws will go merrily, happily buying new cars every 2 years.

 

[yoopermom]

Ask your dh, all the time he gets upset, has it made 1 whit of difference in his parents behaviour? I'm guessing it has not. So in the end, who is going to have ulcers over it? YOu and him and your inlaws will go merrily, happily buying new cars every 2 years.

Thank you for this happy, rational explanation! DH was just really upset this last week because he rarely gets back to where we grew up except for holidays. He called his mom to ask when she'd be serving dinner on Thanksgiving since she's always made a big deal of having "the big three" holidays at their house. Her answer, "It's going to be at X's house instead since I won't know my work schedule until the week before and I won't have the time or energy to have it at my house. I don't even know if I'll make it there depending on how tired I am after work."

I literally wrote on a piece of paper for him to read to her, "That's too bad, we'll miss you, and hope to see you sometime during the two days that we're there."

He really winced while he was saying it, though.

My mantra is "people over things".....but that's just me.

Terri

 

[jrmasm]

I'm a little confused. You say you're upset because your husband is upset. I get that part. But why is he upset? All I have read is that they chose to work after retirement because they prefer newer cars? And their jobs prevent them from attending their grandchildren's activites?

What am I missing?

 

[RitaE]

This is what my MIL would *like* to do (my SIL works at a museum, and MIL would love to volunteer there), but instead she's frying chicken and other deli foods at WalMart, lifting and bending and being on her feet (for longer hours than what her doctor would like).

What's sad is that management keeps giving her more hours than she should be having, because all the "young" employees in that department have terrible work ethic, don't show up, show up "on" something, quit unexpectedly, etc.

And I am going to suggest to her the possibility of leasing, it probably would be better for her, if she insists on this....

Thanks everyone!

Terri

If it makes you feel any better, I have a BIL who blew about 2/3 of his retirement savings account on a $60k vehicle the day he got access to the money. Every time I see him drive up in it all I can think is that he looks like some fancy pimp.

Oh, and now he's hitting up food banks because he can't afford food in retirement.