Responding to veiled criticism whenever I get my hair cut

[scrapbookworm]

I have very thick, wavy hair. It is difficult to manage, and takes a lot of time in the mornings. I must blow dry it and flat iron it, or it looks randomly wavy and very unkempt.

I recently had my hair cut. It was shoulder length and rather ragged looking, and is now in layers from chin-to-shoulder length. It is so much easier to handle. I told my new stylist to give me a style that works with my hair and compliments my long face. I think it looks great, and I'm pleased to have finally found a great stylist.

My annoyance is that whenever I get my hair cut, my mother first asks me in a negative tone "Well you didn't get it cut off super short, now did you?" When I told her no and explained my style, (which is very similar to a style I had a couple years ago) her response was "Well, I don't like you in short hair- I wish that you would grow it out again."

This was over the phone. I haven't seen her yet. I don't understand the big deal with having long hair. It takes so much more time. We weren't blessed with wash and wear hair. She has also criticized me that I keep my 10yo DD's hair at chin length. Her hair is very similar to mine, although the stylist said that my hair is actually thicker, but a finer texture. My dd's a little coarser than mine.

I guess that it bothers me b/c she is so negative. Both were negative comments. How about 'Well I can't wait to see it' instead of criticism?

No matter what I say, I guarantee she's going to do her exaggerated snort whenever I say or do something that isn't what she wants. She definitely wears her emotions on her sleeve and thrives on being the family 'matriarch', to say the least. She is always giving everyone- family and friends, unsolicited advice. Some of her advice is good, some of it is really out there. She's told me things to do or say to my boss that could have cost me my job. One person in particular doesn't listen to her, and she recently told me "well I guess everyone just thinks I'm a dumb*** and I don't know anything." Yet that's the way she makes everyone else feel when she starts telling us what to do.

Anyway, my husband told me that I could get my head shaved and it wouldn't be anyone's business but my own. I'm a 31yo woman- it's not like I'm a teenager still living under her roof. But I would like a little more diplomatic response. Any suggestions?

 

[pixie dust 112]

Perhaps you should give her a dose of her own medicine. Give her unsolicited advice. If you don't like how she is doing something let her know. When she complains about it tell her you must get that trait from her, as that was how you were raised.

 

[Sparx]

Perhaps you should give her a dose of her own medicine. Give her unsolicited advice. If you don't like how she is doing something let her know. When she complains about it tell her you must get that trait from her, as that was how you were raised.

I agree with this. Something along the lines of, "You're not wearing red again are you? It makes you look so blotchy." Its the exact same thing she told you, just substituting traits. She'll probably catch on really quick.

 

[scrapbookworm]

Perhaps you should give her a dose of her own medicine. Give her unsolicited advice. If you don't like how she is doing something let her know. When she complains about it tell her you must get that trait from her, as that was how you were raised.

LOL. I might try that.

 

[Jennasis]

I like the "Oh just SHUT UP!" approach. Or you could go with "Wow mom. WHat a terrible/hurtful thing to say."

 

[freckles and boo]

I like the "Oh just SHUT UP!" approach. Or you could go with "Wow mom. WHat a terrible/hurtful thing to say."

Yep. Start with the truth.

 

[onelilspark]

I have random strangers tell me that I shouldn't have cut my hair. It's like yours, really thick, I have to style it in the morning or it turns frizzy & wavy. All my credit cards have "see ID" on the back, my license picture was from a few years ago when my hair was pretty long. It drives me crazy when clerks tell me, "oh why'd you cut your hair? It was so pretty!" Really?? You don't know me. When I say, "oh it was really thick and long...too hot." They look at me with two heads. Why do I even bother to explain myself? It's my hair for crying out loud.

Anyway, I feel your pain. I have no help, just to say you're not alone!

 

[scrapbookworm]

What I can't help but wonder is, how does she expect me to respond? It seems to me that when anyone asks "well you didn't do such and such, now did you?" that it will naturally put the other person on the defensive.

 

[bgirldeb]

I, being the sarcastic person that I am would have to say something along the lines of "wow, thanks Mom! I knew I could always count on you to be supportive! Way to go!".

 

[scrapbookworm]

I have random strangers tell me that I shouldn't have cut my hair. It's like yours, really thick, I have to style it in the morning or it turns frizzy & wavy. All my credit cards have "see ID" on the back, my license picture was from a few years ago when my hair was pretty long. It drives me crazy when clerks tell me, "oh why'd you cut your hair? It was so pretty!" Really?? You don't know me. When I say, "oh it was really thick and long...too hot." They look at me with two heads. Why do I even bother to explain myself? It's my hair for crying out loud.

Anyway, I feel your pain. I have no help, just to say you're not alone!

Even though my hair was shoulder length, it was sooooo hot, especially in this heat wave! And it took so much longer to blow dry, which was really annoying as hot as it is. I couldn't really pull it up into a ponytail b/c of the annoying flyaways. It would probably take a dozen bobbypins to keep it looking decent.

 

[tazdev3225]

I totally understand. I have baby fine, poker straight hair. It looks best kept short. I had a hairstyle last year for the summer that was short and a little spiky. My mom hated it. She told me that I looked like a guy, a teenager or my aunt. Her sister is gay and looking like her is the biggest insult she can think of.

I have tried telling her that she is being hurtful, that her comments are uncalled for, that I am a grown-up, etc. She doesn't get it. So now I just tell her "Thank you. That was the look I was going for." Did that a couple of times and now she gives me a look but doesn't say anything.

 

[pipersmom]

As the saying goes, "some days it just isn't worth chewing through the rope". Your mom is, unfortunately, probably not going to change. My mom is exactly the same way, and it used to be I went into that conversation with her having unrealistic expectations. I would think..well maybe this time will be different. Eventually I realized it is NEVER going to be different, and if I go in expecting the worst and get it, I won't be disappointed. On the other hand, if she said something wonderful, I would be surprised and delighted! LOL. We have a much better relationship now that I've accepted the person she is and NOT keep expecting the person I wish she was to suddenly pop out of the woodwork. :hugs: To you, I bet your hair looks great!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have very thick, wavy hair. It is difficult to manage, and takes a lot of time in the mornings. I must blow dry it and flat iron it, or it looks randomly wavy and very unkempt.

I recently had my hair cut. It was shoulder length and rather ragged looking, and is now in layers from chin-to-shoulder length. It is so much easier to handle. I told my new stylist to give me a style that works with my hair and compliments my long face. I think it looks great, and I'm pleased to have finally found a great stylist.

My annoyance is that whenever I get my hair cut, my mother first asks me in a negative tone "Well you didn't get it cut off super short, now did you?" When I told her no and explained my style, (which is very similar to a style I had a couple years ago) her response was "Well, I don't like you in short hair- I wish that you would grow it out again."

This was over the phone. I haven't seen her yet. I don't understand the big deal with having long hair. It takes so much more time. We weren't blessed with wash and wear hair. She has also criticized me that I keep my 10yo DD's hair at chin length. Her hair is very similar to mine, although the stylist said that my hair is actually thicker, but a finer texture. My dd's a little coarser than mine.

I guess that it bothers me b/c she is so negative. Both were negative comments. How about 'Well I can't wait to see it' instead of criticism?

No matter what I say, I guarantee she's going to do her exaggerated snort whenever I say or do something that isn't what she wants. She definitely wears her emotions on her sleeve and thrives on being the family 'matriarch', to say the least. She is always giving everyone- family and friends, unsolicited advice. Some of her advice is good, some of it is really out there. She's told me things to do or say to my boss that could have cost me my job. One person in particular doesn't listen to her, and she recently told me "well I guess everyone just thinks I'm a dumb*** and I don't know anything." Yet that's the way she makes everyone else feel when she starts telling us what to do.

Anyway, my husband told me that I could get my head shaved and it wouldn't be anyone's business but my own. I'm a 31yo woman- it's not like I'm a teenager still living under her roof. But I would like a little more diplomatic response. Any suggestions?

You give a mature response and also you need to get over the need for approval from her. This is how she gets you. The reality is your mother is probably not going to change so you need to "Make It Work".

"That is nice you like my long hair but it is too much for me to take care of." You can leave it at that or have some more canned responses.

After she keeps saying the same thing 10 different ways, you do the same. "It is too much for me to take care of", "I don't have the time right now", "I am trying out this style right now". Keep it to a few canned phrases.

This gets easier the more you practice it.

You can also do the bait and switch and change the subject however you need to build up some chops to do that. Right now you are too sensitive to her comments and feel the need to respond to them.

Later on, you can get to the point where a negative comment is said and you say..."OH, OK." and that is it. You give no response to the negative comments. Takes some restraint but it is the end goal eventually.

The key is not engage and it can be hard.

Now I would have gone straight for the OK, with the comment she gave you about the hair.

Lastly stop giving your mother ammo. Don't offer info to her so she can beat you over the head with it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You give a mature response and also you need to get over the need for approval from her. This is how she gets you. The reality is your mother is probably not going to change

Lastly stop giving your mother ammo. Don't offer info to her so she can beat you over the head with it.

These two paragraphs are good advice!!!

I wouldn't even go as far to keep trying to offer the canned 'explanations'.
There is NO need to explain or defend yourself to these kind of people.
It just feeds their issues.

A simple, 'Thanks for your opinion'.
Or, "I love my hair".

Think non-engaging, positive, mature, and LESS THAN FIVE WORDS...

If you 'engage'... even defending or explanation, you will continue to enable and always get more of the same from your mother.

You need to wonder why you care about her negative opinions anyway.

Also, my big advice....
Your mother and her negative personal comments will start to affect your daughter if you do not learn how to deal with it SOON..... If anyone like this even begin to make such negative opinion about my child.... that would really be the kicker... Just wouldn't happen....

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS: I know JUST what you mean when you describe your hair!!!!! It sounds like I have your hair!

Mine was always long....
When I walked out of the house after spending hours shampooing, conditioning TWICE, blow drying, styling, etc... I would sometimes get those 'beautiful hair' raves..... From people who didn't know what my hair would really look like after less than two hours!!!!!

I got to the point where I would just smile and accept their compliment, and then just say "all this hair can be a two-edged sword".....

Yes, I miss not being able to have long silky wash-n-wear hair...

But, I recently found a hairstyle that works and it is really, really, cute...
It is still a work in progress, as the hairstylest screwed up the first time and did not give anything close to what I want... so I am having to grow out the front so that it is almost like chin length... It is a short bob, I mean like really short and layered and FULL in the back, with the front coming down to an unlayered single length, almost to the chin.

 

[tonilea]

My mother has negative opinions about my hair. Mine is thick and curly, but I have always kept it short....until the last three years. My DMom doesn't like it. DH loves it. I love it and I get lots of compliments on it. Still, DMom was always making those comments about how she "liked it better short". When someone complimented my hair in front of DMom, I started saying something along the lines of, "I love it, but Mom hates it!" So then DMom felt like she had to defend her opinion to the person who complimented me. Now, she doesn't voice her opinon about my hair AT ALL.

 

[Buckalew11]

My mom only likes my hair short. Real short. It bugs the crap outta me.

I recently grew it out and she hated it, of course. "Get that mop cut". Ugh. I'm a hairdresser--do you think I walked around with my hair looking like a "mop"? Then I decided to cut it and cut about 2 or 3 inches off and she never commented. I finally asked her if she noticed I "cut my mop off" and she said, "Yeah, but not enough."

I then had another few inches cut off (chin length) and she still thinks it should be shorter. She wants it in a pixie cut, I'm sure.

At 45, I've learned to let her comments go in one ear and out the other. Finally. I learned this lesson in a very hard way but it has also been very freeing. I figure if she isn't taking my feelings into consideration, why was I always worried about what she thought? Life has gotten much better in that area since I finally figured that out. I also went and got my left ear doubled pierced---something I always wanted but she was quite vocal about. Wanted it since I was 18 and finally did it at about age 42! (Didn't take me long to figure it out, huh?! )

 

[scrapbookworm]

Lastly stop giving your mother ammo. Don't offer info to her so she can beat you over the head with it.

That is true. But then if I didn't tell her I got my hair cut, the next time she sees me she'd be mad that I didn't mention it to her. I think that one time I didn't tell her about something, maybe when DD got her hair cut or something similar, and she ripped me a new one when she saw/heard about it. Clearly I can't win. lol. I definitely do not tell her everything. She has an opinion or advice opposite of what I'm doing, no matter what, and that does get wearisome.

I love her very much- I'm just been trying to figure out for the past 10 years how to best counter her negative personality. I guess as a kid it didn't bother me much b/c that was all that I knew. It took me a long time to figure out (as an adult) why I had begun to always feel on edge around her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Lastly stop giving your mother ammo. Don't offer info to her so she can beat you over the head with it.

That is true. But then if I didn't tell her I got my hair cut, the next time she sees me she'd be mad that I didn't mention it to her. I think that one time I didn't tell her about something, maybe when DD got her hair cut or something similar, and she ripped me a new one when she saw/heard about it. Clearly I can't win. lol. I definitely do not tell her everything. She has an opinion or advice opposite of what I'm doing, no matter what, and that does get wearisome.

I love her very much- I'm just been trying to figure out for the past 10 years how to best counter her negative personality. I guess as a kid it didn't bother me much b/c that was all that I knew. It took me a long time to figure out (as an adult) why I had begun to always feel on edge around her.

OK, there is the issue. She has you actually believing that you have to tell her every detail of your life & take her negative criticism. You would be the poster child for manipulation.

When she gets mad at you for not telling her "something" and finds out later then you do the same technique, I describe about the hair.

You have to understand that the simple canned answers is meant to be used in all of the communication with her when she is either criticizing you or berating you.

It does work. You just have to be brave to use the techniques.

 

[npmommie]

OP are we sisters?? cuz it sounds like we have the same mom!