Reporting Someone on Facebook

[danalee]

Again, I hope it all works out for you and DD. I think you did the right thing, took the right steps and your dd & her bff get left alone. Sad thing is they will move on to someone else, kids like that always do.

I like to think I have a pretty good handle on all aspects of my DS's life and I'm thinking I do, but I also think back to when I was his age and getting older, my mom who was/still is a wonderful & very protected mom, i'm sure (at the time) thought she knew every single little thing I did, um no, no she didnt
Dont get me wrong she took me dropped me at friends house's, I had to call when I got somewhere, when I left, she met all my friends etc but no not everything. I mean look at the mom of the kids that are doing OP dd harm I'm betting (as OP states) she thinks she knows it all to.....

OP your DD is lucky some parents wouldnt have been on top of things like you were, for one reason or another, Good Job

 

[Amy&Dan]

I'm very aware of what goes on in our children's lives. This past year I was president of the PTO at the middle school and vice-president at the grade school. I was at both schools many times each week, not only volunteering at the school, but in their actual classrooms. I can tell you who the good kids are, who the bad kids are and everyone in between. Pretty much every kid in that school that has a FB page, has an open page for all the world to look at. Our 13 year old is a child with high functioning Asperger's and only has a couple of friends and has been virtually ignored by most of the kids at the middle school for the last year or two, she's very quiet and introverted and kind of stays under everybody's radar. Next year she will attend a very small private school for other high IQ children with autism spectrum disorders. Cyber bullying doesn't really go on there and the mean vindictiveness that go on at other middle schools is pretty much non-exsistant there. All of the cell phones, texting and facebooking during school hours, the young girls wearing make-up, the cliques and exclusiveness, materialism, etc. are all reasons why she will go to a private school this coming school year. We live in an upper-middle class, mostly white suburb and all of the entitlement and spoiled teenagers has almost become too much for me to take.

Our other 3 children are still very young and in grade school and we haven't had to deal with cyber bullying with them yet, but I'm certainly not going to open any doors to help it along.

Congratulations, you clearly have it all figured out. Except the part where you seem to think you are somehow being insulted and therefore need to defend yourself and your perfect ability to forsee any and all complications from the rest of life in general.

I gotta tell you, I am very aware too. I too was heavily involved in PTA, volunteered upwards of 10 hours per week in each of my kids classes. I have a very shy daughter who has exactly two friends (and only one in her school). Our neighborhood sounds a whole lot like yours!

Imagine my surprise when I found out a girl my daughter had had in a class several years ago in elementary began to post horrible things about my dd on her facebook page. Well before my now almost 14 year old daughter had one. She saw my daughter at our rec center one day and apparently my daughter didn't hear her when she said hi and that was how it all started. My daughter is a bit hard of hearing by the way so it was not intentional, she just can't hear well, esp. in a crowded place. This girl was someone I knew very well. She had been at our house several times, in fact dh and I were "friends" with her parents. Heck, that little bratty girl knows her times tables today because I came in weekly and helped her and several others learn them!

My son is 15 going on 16 and I guess I am just trying to say, as my kids get older and more immersed in the whole world of teenagers, even though they are both wonderful kids, it just amazes me how this all comes around whether I think it will or not.

But clearly that won't be the case with you so sorry if I came across to you badly or bored you with the details of my mere mortal children who in spite of my stellar efforts, have had to deal with stuff whether I thought they would or not.

I am not meaning at all to insult although if I sound defensive, its because frankly, I find your posts insulting. Your attitude that you have so much better a handle on all of this than the rest of us is on one hand amusing and on the other very insulting. At least for me. But I do hope you are right because in the end, no child or parent deserves to have any of this happen to them. So if your family avoids it that is wonderful.

Good luck and God Bless you and your family.

P.S. My son's best friend has Asperger's and for sure this boy does fall under the radar most of the time since he is very shy.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Congratulations, you clearly have it all figured out. Except the part where you seem to think you are somehow being insulted and therefore need to defend yourself and your perfect ability to forsee any and all complications from the rest of life in general.

I gotta tell you, I am very aware too. I too was heavily involved in PTA, volunteered upwards of 10 hours per week in each of my kids classes. I have a very shy daughter who has exactly two friends (and only one in her school). Our neighborhood sounds a whole lot like yours!

Imagine my surprise when I found out a girl my daughter had had in a class several years ago in elementary began to post horrible things about my dd on her facebook page. Well before my now almost 14 year old daughter had one. She saw my daughter at our rec center one day and apparently my daughter didn't hear her when she said hi and that was how it all started. My daughter is a bit hard of hearing by the way so it was not intentional, she just can't hear well, esp. in a crowded place.

My son is 15 going on 16 and I guess I am just trying to say, as my kids get older and more immersed in the whole world of teenagers, even though they are both wonderful kids, it just amazes me how this all comes around whether I think it will or not.

But clearly that won't be the case with you so sorry if I came across to you badly or bored you with the details of my mere mortal children who in spite of my stellar efforts, have had to deal with stuff whether I thought they would or not.

I am not meaning at all to insult although if I sound defensive, its because frankly, I find your posts insulting. Your attitude that you have so much better a handle on all of this than the rest of us is on one hand amusing and on the other very insulting. At least for me. But I do hope you are right because in the end, no child or parent deserves to have any of this happen to them. So if your family avoids it that is wonderful.

Good luck and God Bless you and your family.

P.S. My son's best friend has Asperger's and for sure this boy does fall under the radar most of the time since he is very shy.

I have no idea what that hyper senative, somewhat b*tchy post was all about, but I clearly stated that we haven't had any problems yet and in no way stated that I have "it all figured out." I stated that I'm doing everything I can to protect my kids for as long as I can. That's it. And because you have a shy daughter that was attacked by a former friend doesn't mean that our daugher will be. Also, you can't even begin to fathom what it's like to have a child with Asperger's or what we have to go through on a daily basis.

I'm going to have to unsubscribe to this thread now. Have a great day!

 

[Amy&Dan]

I have no idea what that hyper senative, somewhat b*tchy post was all about, but I clearly stated that we haven't had any problems yet and in no way stated that I have "it all figured out." I stated that I'm doing everything I can to protect my kids for as long as I can. That's it. And because you have a shy daughter that was attacked by a former friend doesn't mean that our daugher will be. Also, you can't even begin to fathom what it's like to have a child with Asperger's or what we have to go through on a daily basis.

I'm going to have to unsubscribe to this thread now. Have a great day!

Is it possible that you can realize on some level that maybe you are being insulting as well?

You know what. Truce. I bet you are a super nice person and I bet if you and I met in real life and had this conversation, we'd be fine. Its really hard to know tone of voice online.

Really and truly, I just found your posts to be saying you won't have these problems because you are involved with your kids lives. A lot of us are.

Again, I am sorry, no need to bow out, I will! If I see you on some other thread, lets hope maybe we can come across better.

And if you knew me better, you'd know I know a great deal about having a special needs kid. As I said, our very best friends and ds' best friend has Aspergers. Its not that I know firsthand, but its a condition I am very familiar with. I would never take that lightly and for you to imply I do, is just another misconception on your part.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Children do not need cell phones or Facebook pages. They need parents who recognize that they are children, not mini-adults. Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm sick and tired of seeing friends who let their young kids have FB pages and then seeing them post things like I'm looking for a relationship or I'm in a relationship. I'm sick of seeing kids not even being able to interact with each other or other human beings because all they know how to do is text. I'm sick and tired of seeing 11 year old girls in full face make-up and carrying a more expensive handbag than their mothers do.

My kids are 8, 9, 10 and 13 and none of them have an email account, a cell phone or a Facebook account and I'm going to keep it that way for as long as possible.

Well I am glad that works for you and i would never presume to tell an other parent that her child should have a cell phone/email address/facebook page whatever. Plenty of family situations do not require, or want such things and that is awesome for them (really, I have no issue with that at all). I found your post to be condescending and rude in the way you express being '"sick and tired" of people making different parenting choices than you (choices which in no way affect you).
I actually think it is fine to have any of these things "just because" (except facebook under 13 only becuase it is their ruls and I believe they have the right to make rules and have them followed--but I think there are as many problems with adults on facebook as teens--though I can't really say, my DD13 refuses to open a facebook account SHE does not like it because she wants to keep in touch with just her friends and not see all of their comments to their friends pop up on their walls) I truly wish MY DD would open a Facebook account so she could keep in contact that way too--DS wants one and will likely have it set up before breakfast on his 13th birthday

Maybe my kids don't NEED email--but it sure as heck has helped them with moving to a foreign country. They had just turned 10 and 12 when we moved. 12 is a hard age for girls anyway, moving to a foriegn country and starting over in a new school where you do not even speak the langauge at that age is majorly stressful. I am thankful that DD and her little brother can stay in contact with their old friends via email. It is a good thing their friends' parents do not have your views. That contact with old friends has been a life saver on some stressful days.

Cell phones? Well, hey, it's great that you can always be with your kids. I wish I had that option. Life does not always work that way for all of us. MY kids take a train and a street car (plus walking or biking) to get to/from school. We really do not have much choice. Here it is totally common to let kids go home early--(with no warning to parents) if a teacher is sick, Germany has an afternoon game in the world cup, etc. So, even if I had all the time in the world to go and pick them up every day I would not know when to go. Also, one is often done an hour or two before the other and I could not get back and forth to pick one up, return them home and then pick up the other in time. Should I just sit outside the school all day every day waiting for them? Make whoeever gets out first wait on the other (DS11 gets out 2 hours early twice a week and DD13 once a week--all on different days)? It is just not realistic. SO, I do what I think is the safest thing--I give them both cell phones and they always call me when they leave school so I know when to expect them. This also means DD13 can go to the library or shopping with friends once in a while and DS11 can call me for advice (and to let me know he will be late) when a train with mechanical problems returns to the station or some other unexpected ting happens. For me the cell phones are part of how I am (in your words) "doing everything I can to protect my kids for as long as I can."

Neither DD nor I carry expensive purses--it is not our thing. But she has a kindle--that's pricey. Other kids have DSs or really pricey Lego sets or whatever. Everyone has something they love. If you do not give into a child's every whim and spoil them rotten what is wrong with giving them something they truly want if you can afford to do so

And make-up. I do not care for the overly made up look myself and DD is self proclaimed "too lazy to get up in time for make-up" but so what. Does this tell you anything about the kid other than perhaps no one has taught her how to apply make-up well? Do you always judge so quickly based only on looks?

Really, you raise your kids in the way that works for your situation and trust that the rest of us are doing the same please.

 

[luvsJack]

I wish that all of us could just simply admit, we are not perfect parents (NONE of us) and instead of judging each other, we could just offer some guidance and assistance for those dealing with things we have already been through.

If a poster came on tomorrow and said her 8 year old was having problems on facebook, I would hope that I would say "this is what I did. . . " and not judge whether I think an 8 year old should be online.

Everyone is choosing to raise their children differently and that is ok. That doesn't make anyone wrong-just different. I do things much differently now than I did when my sons were small. Many things cause that, more money, one less kid, less activities to attend and the world is just different. Am I wrong now or was I wrong then? I think the answer to that is neither.

Regardless of the choices you make for your child, please, just make sure you are watching for their safety in every way possible. My kids have dealt with real life bullies and now on line bullies and both can do much harm. ANY child can be bullied either way and NEED their parent to be there for them and either protect them or teach them how to protect themselves.

And if your child turns out to BE the bully, help them and find out why they find it necessary to do this. They must be really hurting inside to become this vicious.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

I really haven't seen anyone judge you, OP. I see people offering alternatives to your situation. I think you are taking it as a personal attack. I don't think anyone ever had that intention.

Yes, bullies have been around forever, but the internet has made EVERYONE bold in their opinions. Just take a look at this thread.

And for your example...I'm sorry, I would tell that mother of an 8 year old the same thing...your kid is too young. Facebook rules state 13. Rules are rules. Sorry.

Does something magical happen at 13? Heck, no. That's what parenting is for. Plus there is an overwhelming voice from educators that state middle school kids don't need that much internet time.

No one is a perfect parent. I'm far from one myself. But I would like to share my own example. A couple of years ago, when we lived in NC, a 15 year old boy died in a car accident. His father would let him go and move cars around in his driveway, since they had several. Well, one morning his father asked him to move the truck out of the way so his mother could leave for work. He pulled the truck out and decided to take a drive around the block. he never made it home. He ran a stop sign and t-boned a young mother and her two toddlers. Luckily they survived, but he didn't. I remember his father talking to the reporter, trying to make sense of it all. He said how his son was only months away from getting his temporary license. He then said how it must have been his son's time to go. I can't imagine the guilt that father must have felt.

Now, I know this is an extreme. I know the media has made much of the cyber bulling of late. But I would never want to expose my kid unnecessarily. Especially from something so easily avoided.


It's risky behavior...something you unfortantely witnessed first hand. Is it sheltering your child? Probably. When did that become a bad thing for a 12 year old? They will grow up soon enough.


My posts were never to judge you. My post was to give you the advice you asked for. My viewpoint, not judgement.



(and to those who will post that I'm flaming...this isn't a flame. She asked asked more questions. I gave my answers. Unless this whole thread was rhetorical)

 

[Planogirl]

I don't see anything wrong with suggesting doing away with the Facebook account as a possible solution. However to then go on and on about it and also infer that only bad parents allow kids to have Facebook accounts is going over the top IMO. I say that as someone who doesn't have or want an account and whose teen son also doesn't have one. He does however have a cell phone and has had one for some time.

Good luck luvsJack. These things are really hard to figure out and I think that it sometimes only get harder.

 

[NHdisneylover]

luvsjack--some people were pretty harsh, but many others were just stating an opinion in a nice way. To me the issue is NOT that your DD may be too young to handle facebook. I know full well age limits are just arbitrary lines and some children handle things better than some adults. Your DD may well be plenty mature enough to have a facebook account, and clearly the same thing could happen(as you point out) to her next year when she is "of age." I honestly wish facebook left it more up to the parents to determine this--they could do what the DIS does and allow children under 13 to have their parents fax in a permission form to open an account (though i am sure THAT would be a nightmare for something as big as facebook to deal with). So, I can get and understand that you feel your DD can handle it so you broke the rule. I actually do not have any issue with that at all. I just think that if you want to be able to make that decision as a parent then you cannot ask that facebook enforce the rules (and of their rules--you do not get to pick and choose) where others are concerned while you are breaking them. I think a lot of posters were taking that angle. Not necessarily saying you are a bad parent or wrong to allow the facebook, just saying tat if you do you are limiting your options for recourse in these instances (or should be self limiting them anyway). Am I making sense?

I hope after the weekend things have died down between the girls and your DD can get back to normal. I am sure the whole thing must have been unsettling for you and her. Gosh, someone from this thread sent me a nasty PM with obscenities (starred out) in it--something new for me--and just that bothered me. It seemed so uncalled for and just wrong and I am not a little girl and I am sure what your DD saw was much worse (and ongoing).

Anyway, I know I am far from a perfect parent (oh and my kids aren't perfect either) and I know that what works for me and my family does not work for every (or even most) families. That is one reason we all post and ask for and give advice isn't it? So we can all learn and give some new perspectives to each other and maybe get a little closer to that nonexistent ideal of the perfect parent?

 

[luvsJack]

I really do thank all of you for your words and your advice. And I am always open to other ideas and opinions.

I guess when I reported the girl I wasn't really trying to say "she broke the rules, do something to protect my kid". I tend to look at things as doing what is necessary to protect ANY kid. So, I really was trying to say to facebook "please, see what these kids are doing and protect anyone they may attack". If my child had lost her page in the process, so be it.

I feel sorry for the two girls in question because they are coming into a hard situation next year at school (coming back after 3 years of homeschool) with one coming into junior high and the other high school. They have not remained friends with many of their former classmates and so will know only a few of the kids. Now they have made it worse by attacking two of a rather small, close knit class.

I have always understood that we broke a rule for dd to have her page. I don't see it as a big thing and I don't see it as the reason she went through this. I know that it still would have happened. And I saw that the kids who are mostly under 13 handled it much better than the older 3 involved. If it continues (haven't had anything in a couple of days) or pops up again somehow--we may delete dd's page. But it will be because I really think that it going to help the problem not because she is a few months shy of being the right age.

I have noticed lately that one an old friend of mine doesn't use his page himself. His 12 year old daughter uses it. I am guessing that a LOT of people use facebook in this way and it keeps them from "officially" breaking the rule and to keep their child safe online. Well, if it is still used as a way to talk to other kids (like my friend's daughter is doing); its a false sense of security. So, if anyone is doing this; don't be fooled into thinking its safe. In fact, regardless of your child's age don't be fooled into thinking they are safe from this happening. They are not.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I really do thank all of you for your words and your advice. And I am always open to other ideas and opinions.

I guess when I reported the girl I wasn't really trying to say "she broke the rules, do something to protect my kid". I tend to look at things as doing what is necessary to protect ANY kid. So, I really was trying to say to facebook "please, see what these kids are doing and protect anyone they may attack". If my child had lost her page in the process, so be it.

I feel sorry for the two girls in question because they are coming into a hard situation next year at school (coming back after 3 years of homeschool) with one coming into junior high and the other high school. They have not remained friends with many of their former classmates and so will know only a few of the kids. Now they have made it worse by attacking two of a rather small, close knit class.

I have always understood that we broke a rule for dd to have her page. I don't see it as a big thing and I don't see it as the reason she went through this. I know that it still would have happened. And I saw that the kids who are mostly under 13 handled it much better than the older 3 involved. If it continues (haven't had anything in a couple of days) or pops up again somehow--we may delete dd's page. But it will be because I really think that it going to help the problem not because she is a few months shy of being the right age.

I have noticed lately that one an old friend of mine doesn't use his page himself. His 12 year old daughter uses it. I am guessing that a LOT of people use facebook in this way and it keeps them from "officially" breaking the rule and to keep their child safe online. Well, if it is still used as a way to talk to other kids (like my friend's daughter is doing); its a false sense of security. So, if anyone is doing this; don't be fooled into thinking its safe. In fact, regardless of your child's age don't be fooled into thinking they are safe from this happening. They are not.

Just in case it is not clear, I do not see it as a reason she went through this either--just as something that imposes limits on how you can respond.

You are right that kids cannot be insulated from these types of things by age, whether they post on your page or someone else's or even by not being allowed to go online (since they could well do it behind you back at a friend's house whose parents do not check--or would not know you have said not to, OR they can be hurt by these types of messages going around to all of their friends even if they never read one themselves). I think it is important for all of us to remember that there is only so much you CAN do--and everyone is in a different place as far as balancing protecting their kids and giving them independence. What is great about you and your DD and what we can all try to do is that you have a relationship with her that allowed her to feel comfortable coming to you when she was hurt by this and felt in over her head. If she is willing and able to tell you when things go awry that gives you the opportunity to teach her so much more by guiding her in how to fix the problem AND how to react to it. That is the great thing about all of this--if nothing else she has had it reinforced to her that she can come to you when someone scares her and bullies her and you will help her figure out how to solve the issue.

 

[luvsJack]

Just in case it is not clear, I do not see it as a reason she went through this either--just as something that imposes limits on how you can respond.

You are right that kids cannot be insulated from these types of things by age, whether they post on your page or someone else's or even by not being allowed to go online (since they could well do it behind you back at a friend's house whose parents do not check--or would not know you have said not to, OR they can be hurt by these types of messages going around to all of their friends even if they never read one themselves). I think it is important for all of us to remember that there is only so much you CAN do--and everyone is in a different place as far as balancing protecting their kids and giving them independence. What is great about you and your DD and what we can all try to do is that you have a relationship with her that allowed her to feel comfortable coming to you when she was hurt by this and felt in over her head. If she is willing and able to tell you when things go awry that gives you the opportunity to teach her so much more by guiding her in how to fix the problem AND how to react to it. That is the great thing about all of this--if nothing else she has had it reinforced to her that she can come to you when someone scares her and bullies her and you will help her figure out how to solve the issue.

Thank you.

 

[hereyago]

A few days ago, one of my friend's DD had a guy from her school, that she doesn't know personally make a comment about how fat she looked. Now she is 13, so she can have an account, but her DM made her change her settings for more private.

Anyway, the girl's older sister ripped into this guy and others followed suit, all playing out on Facebook.

 

[Scurvy]

luvsjack--some people were pretty harsh, but many others were just stating an opinion in a nice way. To me the issue is NOT that your DD may be too young to handle facebook. I know full well age limits are just arbitrary lines and some children handle things better than some adults. Your DD may well be plenty mature enough to have a facebook account, and clearly the same thing could happen(as you point out) to her next year when she is "of age." I honestly wish facebook left it more up to the parents to determine this--they could do what the DIS does and allow children under 13 to have their parents fax in a permission form to open an account (though i am sure THAT would be a nightmare for something as big as facebook to deal with). So, I can get and understand that you feel your DD can handle it so you broke the rule. I actually do not have any issue with that at all. I just think that if you want to be able to make that decision as a parent then you cannot ask that facebook enforce the rules (and of their rules--you do not get to pick and choose) where others are concerned while you are breaking them. I think a lot of posters were taking that angle. Not necessarily saying you are a bad parent or wrong to allow the facebook, just saying tat if you do you are limiting your options for recourse in these instances (or should be self limiting them anyway). Am I making sense?

I hope after the weekend things have died down between the girls and your DD can get back to normal. I am sure the whole thing must have been unsettling for you and her. Gosh, someone from this thread sent me a nasty PM with obscenities (starred out) in it--something new for me--and just that bothered me. It seemed so uncalled for and just wrong and I am not a little girl and I am sure what your DD saw was much worse (and ongoing).

Anyway, I know I am far from a perfect parent (oh and my kids aren't perfect either) and I know that what works for me and my family does not work for every (or even most) families. That is one reason we all post and ask for and give advice isn't it? So we can all learn and give some new perspectives to each other and maybe get a little closer to that nonexistent ideal of the perfect parent?

I agree with much of this, particularly the bolded.

OP, I do hope that all this can be worked out and your daughter isn't bothered by these people any longer. Whether she is supposed to be on Facebook or not, it's still awful that they have made her feel bad. And any bullying or harrassment that is occurring anywhere other than Facebook is completely unacceptable. I don't think you are a bad parent. I completely realize that bullying and harrassment can happen with or without Facebook. Bullying and harrassment aren't okay, no matter where they happen. But this particular thread was about Facebook, and that's the part I was responding to. I am sorry if I seemed harsh.

I just get so frustrated, because time and time again (on this board and others) I see people who are misusing Facebook and then complaining when they have problems on there. Whether it's the people who violate the age requirement to get on there, or the ones who don't learn enough to properly make use of the privacy settings, or the ones who want to impose their own rules for other people's behavior on Facebook (like the mom who wanted to report the girls for using foul language, which is permitted on Facebook) . . . there are many people who are expecting assistance from Facebook when they aren't doing all they can to avoid needing that assistance. It gets annoying. I see people who suggest Google every time someone asks an easily Googled question on here, and I sort of understand where they are coming from. So many of the Facebook questions would be easily answered if the person asking would just read through the Terms of Service. And since you have to agree to those Terms in order to use Facebook, I can't understand why anyone wouldn't read them, especially when they are turning their minor child loose on there.