Relative wants me to take her kids for several months

[chager]

I am in a situation that a cousin is looking for someone to care for her 4 children for at least 4 months. She wants to join the armed forces. Becuase of past issues I'm not inclined to trust her. My fear is she will simply disappear for a long time (longer then bootcamp)and then return and disrupt the kids lives. There is also birth fathes to consider. I don't think any of them see the kids but there is that issue. I would definately want some sort of legal something concerning the kids if I agreed to take them. This same cousin has custody of her 2 half brothers. She says someone had volunteered to take them. I would not even consider taking the oldest due to severe mental issues. The younger boy is severe adhd. I have not made any commitments yet becuase I want to investigate legal stuff first. Again the whole..what if she never comes back thing. What is really strange is I had this feeling that the real reason we were not fostercare approved was becuase an issue was going to come up with my cousins kids. (A God's plan thing) Does anyone know anything about the legal side of something like this? or who I would talk to? Also if she disappears this could affect our trip...ughh. I don't think we can afford 4 more tickets..let alone the extra room. Decisions...decisions.

 

[CarolA]

Um... If she joins the military she could be deployed overseas for quite a while. There are lots of places she could not take her children. (See Iraq) What does she plan to do then? I don't think the military is the best job choice for single parent just for this reason.


I probably would not do this. Short term babysitting is one thing. Four months is not short term. Is she planning to compensate you... kids are expensive?

As for legal issues you would need some papers allowing you to get medical treatment and to have access to the children's records at school etc. I would also ask for the divorce decree and read it in advance to see what the status is on the birth father (if there was a divorce?)

The last question is probably the most imporatant.

Is this fair to your current family? Four extra kids would dramatically reduce the time you have to spend with your spouse and kids.

 

[dvcfamily41801]

That is a hard decision. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[ducklite]

There are so many implications here, legal, financial, and moral. Talk to a lawyer before agreeing to anything.

Anne

 

[peg2001]

I would do it only if I thought I could give the kids a better more stable life AND if the mother was willing to legally give custody to me. Otherwise, no way.

Good luck.
Peggy

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would seek the counsel of an attorney no doubt. Everything would have to be legal and binding. I would ask for temporary/permanent custody (of some sort) and child support out of her check.

If you don't do it will she not leave her kids? I prefer she didn't leave the kids. I have to agree that this is not a good plan. What if the unspeakable happens are you prepared to take these kids on forever? I think you have to ask yourself that question.

 

[chager]

She had married the second child's father. (He may be the 3rds also not sure) However they divorced a year later after she had the 4th and the guy was NOT the father of #4! (Baby is white and the other kids are biracial)

The whole being shipped overseas thing bugged me too. She swears she was told she would stay stateside, but....we all know that isn't always the case. ( Agree military is not a good choice for single parents usuall, but that is just my opinion. I have a couple friends that were military and single parents that made it work)

I do believe she plans on financially compensating us. She won a lawsuit last year and she says she still has funds from that.
The whole reason for wanting to do this she says is to get her life together. (Umm I think I forgot to mention...she is only 22)

As far as time goes...we had already planned on being foster parents for up to 3 children at a time. Due to the fact I had a really rough time with PTSD a three years ago we were turned down. We have been working on getting the decision reversed with the county and talking with private care places to decide if we want to go that route. So this is one more child then we had considered. The kids are 3, 5,7,and 8. So they are the right age group for us. The big issue is this is family and there is no one to call if there are problems.Again the whole trust and legal stuff.
The oldest is the only one that sees his father I think. I have never met the guy but I know he has taken the child on visits in the past. (Actually I thought he had custody of him due to the childs special needs)It is a decision that is not being made lightly. The hard part is not making a heart choice becuase I have always waited for the time when she would allow me to take the kids and give them some stability.

 

[The LK 4]

for you and your family, Carolyn, as you decide what to do.

 

[mom2boys]

Is your husband willing to take these kids on? I noticed in your signature that you are Nick's mom. Is Nick an only child? How old is he? It would be a huge adjustment for any child to suddenly have 4 other children sharing his parents & his household.

I'd have to contact a good family law attorney - I'd definitely have to get the money issue on the table & in writing. Groceries aren't cheap!

Is it possible that you could be granted foster care of these children since they are relatives?

It's a big decision - and a tough one no matter which way you go.

Last, but definitely not least - I think you are an amazing person with an amazing family for even considering taking these children on.

 

[phorsenuf]

Me, personally, I would do it. I am a firm believer that everyone needs a second chance. (or third sometimes) The Military sounds like a good choice for her. My son (although not a parent) was floundering and decided to join the army. It was the best thing that could ever have happened to him. Not only has he matured and become very responsible, it will give him a good start when he leaves (if he leaves.) My brother did the same thing. After flunking out of 4 colleges he joined the Air Force. Again, the change is incredible!
I see it as only a good thing for her and her children.

The best first step for you is to actually speak to a recruiter and ask them how the military handles single mothers leaving for training and what happens after. I am sure the military provides all the legal paperwork that may be needed. Once she is enlisted she is entittled to free legal.

I know I am probably in the minority here about single mothers joining, but for some people who have lost their way and need direction, it is a great opportunity. Not only will she have a stable monthly income, medical insurance and housing, she can also go to school. Seems to me like a good solution.

Good luck with your decision!

P.S. perhaps too the stability you can provide will be just what the children need too!

 

[CEDmom]

I going to assume from your siggy that you have a child of your own. For his benefit you really need to think long and hard about this. I don't know how much "legal custoday" your cousin would be willing to give since I assume she'll want her children back. I don't mean to be judgemental, but at 22 with 4 children I don't think she's proven to be a good decision maker. While the military can be a tough life for a single parent, or any parent for that matter, most handle it because they have a strong network of support (parents, siblings, friends etc). Has she tried job training for something a little less risky?

 

[chager]

Originally posted by mom2boys
Is your husband willing to take these kids on? I noticed in your signature that you are Nick's mom. Is Nick an only child? How old is he? It would be a huge adjustment for any child to suddenly have 4 other children sharing his parents & his household.

He's still in shock I think. He is concerned about space issues. A very valid issue. Nick is 9 and an only child. He has talked about wanting brothers and sisters in the past. Although he probably wasn't thinking 4 This would require some creative organizing.
DH just called and is having serious thoughts about it all. He was trying to work out sleeping arrangements. He says he would hate to see them split up but he has reservations about taking all 4. That would give us a total of 4boys and 1 girl in the house. Nick would have to share his room with 2 of the boys. The toddler boy would have to share with his sister. Nick having share "his" room could be an issue.

I really appreciate all your input. This is a really hard decision to make.

Hmm...I guess I would really have to learn to cook too
(Trying to keep my sense of humor too)

 

[CarolA]

she swears she was told she would stay stateside, but....we all know that isn't always the case.

This statement is not worth ANYTHING

I live in Nashville, there is HUGE Army base up the road. Throughout the war there have been stories of single parents being shipped overseas for service in Iraq. (Or both parents if both are in the military!) My dad was in the service, He used to joke that if the Air Force wanted him to have a family they would have issued one to him. I think that kind of sums it up.



I agree with one poster that the miltary can be a great way to turn your life around, but .... if you are the single parent of 4 kids it would seem to me that step 1 in turning your life around would be consideration of that.

 

[Feralpeg]

It really bothers me that there are so many people that screw up their lives and expect someone else to bail them out. If you really want the kids, then I say go for it. If you aren't sure, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't have these children. Your cousin did. I know that you probably feel for the kids. Who wouldn't? But, is it fair to you and your family?

My 11 year old cousin came to stay with my family when I was 17. She stayed with us for five years. She had issues with her mom.

Prior to her arrival, my family had the ususal ups and downs. In general, we were a very happy close family. During her stay, she ran away multiple times, stole things from us and other people. My parents tried counseling for her. My mom bent over backwards for this child. In fact, the rest of us felt sort of left out because mom gave all her time to my cousin. It got to where, my siblings spent more and more time away from home. I am a born chump. I tried doing things with her. I let her use my things and drove her and her friends around. To pay me back, she would steal my jewelry, records, etc. and give them to her friends. It was very unpleasant.

When she was 16, she ran away and we didn't find her for a week. When she came home (the police finally found her), she told us that we should send her back to her mom, because she'd just do it again. We sent her back to her mom and they had major issues for years.

It was amazing. After she left, it was like my family was reborn. For the first time in five years, we'd laugh at the dinner table and actually communicate. About six months after my cousin left, my mom died of a cerebral hemmorage. It makes me so sad that five years of our family life was ruined by an ungrateful brat!!

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but that is what she was. I've not seen my cousin since she left our home.

Do what you think best for you and your family. You have to come first!

 

[jsmith]

Ok-you would get some protection from the military here-they require all single soldiers to have what is called a Family Care Plan that clearly defines who would care for their dependants if they are deployed overseas. It is binding on the soldier and if they do not have one they are not deployable and get discharged from the service. If something happens that prevents the designated gaurdian from caring for the childen the soldier is granted a reasonable emergency leave to solve the problem. However, if you are caring for a soldiers childern under a family care plan you are temporary gaurdians, you do not have legal custody. And if one of the boys fathers wanted to challenge that and they had not given up parental rights, they could do so. The military would provide them with medical care and provide you with access to a commisary to purchase grocieries for them since they are still considered the soldiers dependants. In all likely hood she is asking you to make this commitment because the recruiter will not sign her until she proves to him she can provide for the children. And the she says she will stay stateside business is BUNK-pretty much everyone who does not work in the Pentagon is gonna end up in the sand at some point in the next few years. And thats a year with on contact-way more than 4 months. Think it through carefully because it will be very hard on you and on the children. Especially if something goes very wrong.

 

[Growin'upDisney]

Is there any other family that can help you with this? What about your cousins parents? Based on the ages of the children and how young your cousinwas when she had them, it doesn't appear she knows much in the way of responsibility. She may well be trying to get her act straight now, but can you risk disrupting your family hoping that she is on the level? Even more, she will definitely be gone longer than 4 months (bootcamp, base assignment, possible deployment).

Seeking an attorney's advice would be good but since you are dealing with the military there are special rules that apply like the previous poster alluded to. Short of her giving up her parental rights (and the fathers as well) she can always return and take them back - 4 months or 4 years later.

If it were me -- I don't think I could do it. But you have to make your decision after you have learned all the facts, details, rules, etc.

 

[RickinNYC]

The underlying tone I'm hearing is that this girl is incredibly irresponsible. I get the distinct feeling, and please don't flame me for saying so, that she has no intention of going into the military at all. Not sure why I feel this way, I certainly don't know the full scope of the situation by any means. I just get this itch in the back of my head that she's 22 and already has 4 children. Seems she just might want to run away for a while and play.

 

[battricia]

If your main concern is that she really is going into the military, I'm assuming you could just have her take you to where she went to the recruiting office, and speak with the people she spoke with, see the papers that she signed, etc. If she doesn't want to take you, she's probably lying, and if she does take you, and everyone says things are OK there, then you can make a better decision. I think this is one of the first steps you need to take.

Another step you need to take is talking to your son about the situation. Ask him how he feels about sharing a room, having his (Second?)cousins come live with him, etc. Do they know eachother, or get along?

And finally I would say, like someone else said, that if the military thing is for real, then I think that she is deserving of another chance. Maybe you could talk to her about why she wants to join, and find out what's really going on. Sometimes people realize that they need to get back in control of their lives, and the military is a decent way of doing that. I have a few friends that were heavy into drugs and alcohol, dropped out of college and finally realized that their life was going nowhere fast, and most people are aware of how the military tends to whoop you into shape, so this could be a good thing for both your cousin and her children.

I wish you luck in your decision.

tricia.

 

[momof3disneyholics]

My husband is in the military and let me tell you how it works. Basic training last nine weeks, however she may not start basic right away. My husband was gone for 2 weeks then started basic. After basic was over (11 weeks later) he got 2 weeks home then left again for AIT (advanced indiv. training). Everyone's training time varies depending on the MOS (job) that they are doing to do. My husband's lasted for 12 months and he was in Virginia for one part and Texas in the other. Then he had 2 weeks off and he got orders to Germany. Well, he had to go by himself first and wait for housing to come available and for the movers to pack my things and for transportation on base to schedule my flight. I got over there approx. 3 months after that.
Just something else for you to consider. You are probably going to be watching them longer than 4 months.

 

[HappyMommy2]

Hugs to you! You sound like a person with a very big heart who also has a lot of common sense (sometimes those two don't go together!)

You and DH have a very tough decision to make. However, as someone else said, your cousin may not even be allowed to enter the Armed Forces; recruiters DO look at family situations and would generally rather turn someone away than go ahead and recruit them and have to discharge them later because they couldn't care for their families.
I would imagine you would have to sign some things stating that you'd take custody of the kids before your cousin could actually enter the service.

I also agree with the other posters who've said that in all likelihood your cousin WILL be deployed. There are so many single parents (and dual military parent couples) in the military that the military just can't keep them all with their kids all the time. People should know and accept this before they join the service. We know several dual military couples who have recently both been deployed at the same time; they all had good Family Care Plans and the kids are staying with grandparents, but it is a tough situation for everyone involved.

Just my two cents! Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but obviously this is a situation only you and DH can make. Take care!