Relationships and money... argh I need some advice!

[KarenAylwood]

Warning- this is kind of long.

Ok so DBF and I have been living together since August and we are very open and honest about everything. Things are going great in every aspect of our relationship, except when it comes to MONEY.

He's in med school so he's living on loans and I just got a job recently so I'm the primary breadwinner now. I used to make a certain amt at grad school, about equal to his loans so we were even in that respect.

He really likes splitting everything down the middle- and I have always been for that. It makes the relationship equal and like we're partners rather than one taking care of the other.

Now that I have more money, I don't care as much about "who bought paper towels the last time" or "whose turn it is to buy the Aleve" or "I spent X amt on this meal I cooked for us and you ate half of it, are you making something later in the week?" I just don't care to be tit for tat on things as it's exhausting and I feel like our relationship is a give and take and I'm fine with that. I'm making more now and I expect to cover more, while when he's a doctor I expect him to cover more.

He, however is still in this mindset of "I only have X amt of money, then I spent Y amt on food and made a meal and she ate half, and ate some of the leftovers, now after Y amt of money I only got 2 meals out of it." But doesn't realize I've bought paper towels, toilet paper, toothpaste and aleve the last 3 times in a row or that I made meals constantly earlier on in the year and he always ate half. I don't want to bring things like that up! Not only because I don't want the exhausting "well I covered X and Y and you didn't buy Z when it was your turn so I had to" conversation. I don't want to live my life or my relationship that way and he thinks things can just be even and 50/50 and there be no conflict.

But when we go out to eat or something, I'll cover sometimes and he'll cover sometimes- we never really keep track of that either- just figure if he covered last time, I'll cover this time. Now that I have a stressful job, I'm more inclined to eat out and always tell him I'll cover it and I'm FINE WITH THAT!

We do have a great relationship and know that we'll be getting married at some point. When we do, we plan on having a combined bank acct that each of us contributes a percentage of our earnings to and cover joint expenses like that. Right now he's SO set on things being exactly equal between us.

How can I make him realize that the idea of splitting things exactly and precisely down the middle is just ridiculous???

 

[buddy&wooz]

Maybe you both could agree to spend a month just keeping track of what you spend. Not talking about it, but keeping track individually. Then at the end of the month sit down and look at expenses- and income. Let him know you want to do this because you don't mind paying a bit more right now, but you want him to be cool with the situation. Before you do anything, though, I'd try to talk things through and make sure he agrees.

 

[NMAmy]

That would drive me crazy. If you're going to share a life, then share your money, too. If you're going to be roommates, that's a different story, but even when I had roommates we didn't split things 50/50.

You just need to tell him what you told us. That it's stressing you out.

Or make him watch The Joy Luck Club with you. I just watched it after not seeing it in years. There is one couple that does this and it shows how unhappy it was making the wife. It could spark a conversation about how silly it is to be doing this.

 

[AprilShowers]

If this kind of "agreement" continues, my guess is you will never make it to the altar, and if you do, it won't be a happy marriage.
In marriage, NOTHING is equal. Some people give more here, some people give more there. Keeping track of such things is very unhealthy in my opinion.
DH and I used to have only one fight in our marriage, and it was about money. We were probably headed to divorce court if we didn't do something.
I dont' know if you are a religious person, but we took a bible study called Crown Ministries. It is a biblical perspective on finances. Lots of it is common sense stuff, but lots of it is about what God expects of us.
Since we've taken (and since taught) this course, our entire marriage has changed. We were able to save enough money to start our own business, and last Nov. DH quit his full time job to run our business full time with me.
We NEVER fight about money anymore.

If the bible thing doesn't appeal to you, there are other financial management courses, books, etc out there. I strongly urge you to look into something like that.
Good luck, and hopefully once your DB is in better shape financially, he won't be so concerned with keeping track. It could be because he feels "threatened" by not making as much as you do right now.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Maybe you two should open up a joint checking account that you each contribute the same amount to periodically -- and then the joint household expenses could be paid from that account?

 

[Anthony1971]

The only thing my wife and I don't fight about is money
We put EVERYTHING into one account and we have an "allowance" to spend on whatever we want. we also do use a credit card card OCCASIONALY to buy personal things but it is not a lot 20-30 once every few months maybe. otherwise food household stuff etc all comes out of our joint account....
Money is not worth arguing about sometimes in life you have to much sometimes you do not have enoough but is rare that you have just enough

 

[jennyl772003]

I really think you guys need to sit down and figure out your budget.

At the very least instead of splitting 50/50 you need to see what your expenses are and divide those up. Kind of an "I'll pay car payment A and insurance, you pay car payment B. I'll pay electric, you pay sewer." That way you have clearly defined expectations.

Me and DH started off on a 50/50 arrangement, but now our money is just that, OUR money. We do not keep track. It just goes in the pot.

 

[jbdreamer]

I couldn't not live like that, what an unnecessary stressor. When my DH and I were dating we took turns paying for things, but never figured out to the dollar amount what we were spending. It all evens out in the end. Now we have only one bank account and it's our money, there is no such thing as mine and yours to us.

You are now a partnership and that means you share, not everything needs to be divided by his and hers. Ask him why it matter so much if one of you spends $20 more than the other one week. Truly - does it really matter?

Tell him that you don't want to live this way. You should talk now about how money will be spent if one day you are married. What are both of your expectations. If he earns more money then you, does that mean he gets more spending money? As partners in life, that doesn't seem fair. Remind him that if you do get married, he has to let go of the idea that what he earns is his. You are partners in life. It should be "ours".

 

[Chicago526]

Why not just come up with a dollar amount your DBF pays you each month and call it even? Sit down, look at your montly expenses, and come up with a number you both think is fair. Have him pay you that amount (a little from each paycheck he gets or once a month, whatever works for you) and then don't worry about it.

My DH moved in with me before we got married. I had been living in my condo alone for 3 years before he moved in and was used to covering all my expenses by myself anyway. All my expenses stayed the same except for food, so I just had DH pay half my mortgage (at the time it was $800 including my association dues) and I actually wound up ahead on the deal, really. The point was that DH was contributing to the household expenses and not "living off of me" but I wasn't nagging him that I bought the pizza last time it was his turn. Actually, now that I think about it, he also did pay for eating out most of the time, something about it not being "proper" for a lady to pay for a meal. Hey, I wasn't about to complain!

At any rate, you'll need to sit down with him and work something out, because it's clear that your current system isn't working.

Whatever you do, don't fully support him while he's in school, and DO NOT take out any loans for him in your name to pay for schooling. As much as you love each other now, if you break up latter on, you'll kick yourself for putting him through med school. If you guys do stay together you can help him pay back his loans after you're married.

 

[MAKmom]

Take what he can afford now for rent,food etc & match it every month. Start buying groceries 1 time a week out of the money you both match. Dinning out should come out of this money too. This will make him feel better.

You should ask him now how he thinks this should be handled after you are married.

 

[KarenAylwood]

At any rate, you'll need to sit down with him and work something out, because it's clear that your current system isn't working.

Whatever you do, don't fully support him while he's in school, and DO NOT take out any loans for him in your name to pay for schooling. As much as you love each other now, if you break up latter on, you'll kick yourself for putting him through med school. If you guys do stay together you can help him pay back his loans after you're married.

Oh I definitely don't plan on contributing anything to his loans until we are married- actually I doubt he'd LET me! We'll be in that hole together once we're married, although I still think that he may insist on paying for most of it himself since I came into the relationship with no debt whatsoever. He doesn't want me paying more than my share of groceries so he definitely won't let me pay for his loans!

It is a VERY good point though and I know many who would or could get stuck in that situation.

We tried talking about it today right before I posted but didn't get much out of it since he was just on his lunch break from the research he's doing this summer (I work crazy hours so I get a few days off at a time, which is why I'm home). I could tell he felt bad after the conversation about bringing things up and sent me a text message once he got back to school apologizing again.

He's a very understanding guy but grew up with constant money problems in his family so he's ALWAYS worried about money, and not having a job for so long is wearing on him I think. He is trying to take out as little loans as possible, and even won a sizable scholarship recently but will do anything to not have to borrow from his mom- who is very spending-conscious and IMO often thinks that he spends more money than he should. I think a lot of the stress he feels about money comes from his mom, and is thus put on me since I'm less stressed about it because I came from a family w/o money problems and now have a job to support myself.

It's a long haul until he's actually making money so we do need to figure this out. I actually have been thinking ahead and a month or so ago posted asking if people have joint vs separate accounts and how it works for them. This is a problem I want to fix before we even get close to getting married.

I may show him this thread tonight and talk over these ideas with him. You all make very good points and I really thank you for taking the time to reply to my long-winded post If anyone else has anything to add or words of wisdom- please do!

 

[ceiligh1]

WHen I moved in with my then DF now DH and his roommate we had a running tally on a dry erase board. any time someone went to the store to buy things for the house or paid when every one went out to eat they added it to their tally on the board. The next time someone needed to go shopping the person with the lowest tally paid. WHen df and I moved to our own place we kept this up. When the tally would get up high for instance every one over $100 we would just subtract 100 from everyone so that we didnt have to deal with high numbers. THis also helps because you dont have to have his food vs my food, ect. we also had assigned nights for cooking. However my DH got out of that by always wanting to eat out on those days.
Good luck.

 

[LuvTigger]

Maybe you two should open up a joint checking account that you each contribute the same amount to periodically -- and then the joint household expenses could be paid from that account?

I was going to suggest something like this too. You could also have a cash envelope at home that you each contribute to for things like eating out and small grocery purchases.

I think it's hard to try to change someone else's thinking about money. Everyone has their own way of thinking about it, and it's not likely you can force him to change. I think you'll just have to be creative in the way that you address the situation, and try to find a happy medium that you can both live with.

Also, keep in mind that a lot of times, men are subconscious about who earns what. A lot of men, whether they realize ir or not, feel somewhat empowered when they earn more money, or when they can give money to their wives or significant others, or to pay for things. This may be the case in your situation. He may, subconsciously, not be comfortable with the idea that you are in the position to offer a larger portion of your money toward shared expenses, and that may be why he wants to feel "equal" in splitting things down the middle.

While you could definitely have bigger problems than this, I think you can work it out, and just need to be sensitive to how he may be feeling about you being the breadwinner (at least until he starts to earn more).

 

[kaabost]

Actually, I don't think the situation is bad at all, other than being a little annoying I'm sure. It sounds like you are both smartly frugal. Even though you live together, you're not married, so some separation of assets is normal in this stage. Since, you're not married, I assume that you are not yet ready to be married, and so it shouldn't come as a shock that you are not YET ready to share EVERYTHING i.e. money. Hey, take a look at the other side........many of us have DH's who just don't have a realistic view of making/spending money. We're the ones who have to print out miles of expense spreadsheets for years and get in money arguements until monthly allowances are established. Geez! Good luck to you! If this is the worst problem you guys have, you'll be set!

 

[lindakmonty]

DH and I keep our $ separate...we both have been through our own nasty divorce. My ex took me and ds for over 500k!! He is still going to court from his divorce 5 years ago because she never split their $$$!! She will more than likely be held in contempt...but it's a headache we both never want to revisit! So, since he does all the shopping...on Friday he just says the groceries were XXX and I give him 1/2. Or whatever bills come in, he tells me how much they were and I give him whatever is 1/2... it is easy for me!! He wants me to quit soon so I can go to nursing school...so I'm sure we'll work out something different then. For the first year he didn't charge me 1/2 the house pmt since I had so many atty. bills...he didn't want me to have any debt due to the divorce. It has worked out great! I receive $800 a month in child support so that alone pays for our part... but the ex didn't pay a penny through our divorce he drug out forever getting out of paying 17k in child support! Good luck, I'm sure you can work out something. One thing you never want to argue about is $!!! Its not worth it! Thankfully DH doesn't care about the cooking and paying for pizza etc. he's only got 4 days of work before he retires and I work 12 hrs a day...so he does 99.9% of all of that!

 

[Galahad]

In marriage, NOTHING is equal.

This, at least is very true. I put DW through med school and a subsequent stint in the Army. During that time I made most, and sometimes ALL, of the money. We never kept track of anything from a "where did it come from" standpoint - everything is joint. Now, years later, I can never hope to make as much money as she does. We still don't keep score. It's just one pot of money. If you don't get to that point - especially when one of you will eventally make A LOT more money that the other - it will be a problem IMO.

 

[BeNJeNWaFFLe]

He's a very understanding guy but grew up with constant money problems in his family so he's ALWAYS worried about money, and not having a job for so long is wearing on him I think. He is trying to take out as little loans as possible, and even won a sizable scholarship recently but will do anything to not have to borrow from his mom- who is very spending-conscious and IMO often thinks that he spends more money than he should. I think a lot of the stress he feels about money comes from his mom, and is thus put on me since I'm less stressed about it because I came from a family w/o money problems and now have a job to support myself.

I can relate to your DBF in a way. My father grew up with little to no money at most times. To this day, he nickles and dimes a lot of expenses. He has gotten much better over the years, but some habits die hard. He doesn't want me and my brother to live the way he had to.

I think you just need to sit down together and talk it out. I can understand how he wants to keep things equal. But sometimes it is just not worth it. Especially when it comes to leftover food. As long as you are both comfortable with the payment plan, it doesn't really matter who is paying for what. I think a good way of dealing with it is keeping a monthly pool of money. Each of you contribute and with that you pay for the common expenses ie. electric, water, food.

I know that DBF and me can relate to starting out life together in the hole. I'm not paying for his school loans, and he's not paying for mine. We both have full time jobs and are making decent money. I am making more than him. Unless he is hiding it really well, he is fine with that. He is actually very proud of me. I take him out sometimes but he usually refuses to let me pay. He is very traditional that way. When it comes to things like vacations we split everything. I feel that right now we are both just trying to pay off school loans and save all the rest. I don't care who pays for what, since we are going to start out life together in debt anyway.

 

[Chicago526]

Hey, take a look at the other side........many of us have DH's who just don't have a realistic view of making/spending money. We're the ones who have to print out miles of expense spreadsheets for years and get in money arguements until monthly allowances are established. !

You must know my husband! He doesn't actually complain, but every now and again, in a funny way, he'll say "I give you my whole paycheck, what on earth do you spend it on?" I whip out my Excel sheet with our budget on it and go over each line item until he runs from the room screaming "Never mind, I don't want to know!"

We don't argue about money, he just forgets how much it costs to run a household sometimes. He sees what we each bring home each month and can't figure out why we don't have more money to spend. Heck, I'm the one paying the bills and I can't believe we go through as much money as we do!

 

[Anthony1971]

I think it's hard to try to change someone else's thinking about money. Everyone has their own way of thinking about it, and it's not likely you can force him to change. I think you'll just have to be creative in the way that you address the situation, and try to find a happy medium that you can both live with.

True My parnets were like this I have my own bank acccount although almost every thing goes into joint --Gifts which goes into mine-- My wife knows about it though and is ok as she knows if we needed it.........

Also, keep in mind that a lot of times, men are subconscious about who earns what. A lot of men, whether they realize ir or not, feel somewhat empowered when they earn more money, or when they can give money to their wives or significant others, or to pay for things. This may be the case in your situation. He may, subconsciously, not be comfortable with the idea that you are in the position to offer a larger portion of your money toward shared expenses, and that may be why he wants to feel "equal" in splitting things down the middle.


Today if a man feels that way......
My wife makes almost twice what I make sometime more if her company gives her some type of hey we have extra money bonus... I WISH but a few yeras ago she got laid off for a little over seven months.... we are having a baby soon and she will be out of work for a while and not getting paid.... it works both ways...... She is just at a company that pays her very very well in most situations I would easily make more than her and some day.....
She may also decide to be a stay at home Mom??
But I doubt it....
a relationship is not about who makes what and who bought what it is what you have together and if he feels as above you need to make hime feel comfortable...
Paying for a women is nice but that is a whole differnet area as to my beliefs as to why....