Really torn on adopt a family

[Hannathy]

I would return that family to the agency and either say if this all the better they screen the families I'm not participating or else i would ask for another family.


The 18 yr old shouldn't have been in on that family anyway, she is her own family unit now, and she is the adult.

I can't believe this groups are including the parents. Once they started doing that I quit participating in those programs. When I have been short on money the gift for my DH and his to me was the first thing that went. So they can do with out also.

The only thing like this I have participated in lately is one at church that is for children with a parent in prison so the parent can give their child something. This program has a very reasonable price limit and you are not allowed to go over it since they may have more than 1 child and they want them all to be even. 2 yrs ago when I did it (didn't last year because my DH was out of work) it was $25 and the girl I had wanted sheets and the year before she wanted a sweater.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Only you can decide what you're comfortable with.

However... maybe she's a foster mom? Or maybe she had a couple of her own kids and also took in a relative's children? Maybe the 18-yr-old having a 6-yr-old is a typo. Or maybe she was raped?

Again, it's completely up to you what you decide. But I don't think three sentences on a sheet of paper are necessarily going to give you the entire story on someone's life.

 

[themilesfamily]

If your gut is telling you that this giving opportunity is not a good fit for you, don't do it. There may be someone else out there who would be a good match and relates to this family on some level.

There are plenty of giving opportunities, especially at the holidays, so find something that you can really throw yourself into heart and soul.

 

[happygirl]

Only you can decide what you're comfortable with.

However... maybe she's a foster mom? Or maybe she had a couple of her own kids and also took in a relative's children? Maybe the 18-yr-old having a 6-yr-old is a typo. Or maybe she was raped?

Again, it's completely up to you what you decide. But I don't think three sentences on a sheet of paper are necessarily going to give you the entire story on someone's life.

I agree you can't judge someone based on a piece of paper

 

[C.Ann]

Here's the thing ... if you don't ask, you don't get. I am sure a lot of these families figure that it doesn't hurt to ask for name brand items because they might get them. Mom likes the $200 coat so she asks for it ... doesn't mean she's going to get it but she runs a better chance by putting it out there than just saying "I want a coat". It was worth a shot to ask for the better one. At the very least, she's probably hoping someone looks at the $200 coat and attempts to find a similar one for less.

Asking for Burts Bees lip gloss over just plain, generic lip gloss or for an A&F hoodie over a Hanes hoodie is a way for kids to "fit in" and be like everyone else. Especially when most of them are being shunned for being poor and not having those things. Most kids with nothing have a difficult time fitting in and feel that if they have these name brand things, their peers will include them and see them differently. It's want of fitting in at school and among peer groups.

Remember ... these kids didn't ask to be born into struggling families. They just want to fit in among their peers and be like everyone else with the name brand hoodies, lip glosses, t-shirts, etc. for once in their livels. It's Christmas and probably the only opportunity they will ever have of receiving something that might make them feel like the other kids.

Another excellent post..

As for requesting specific items, it's no different than a lot of "Wish Lists" children of posters on this board wish for.. Doesn't mean they get them, it's just a "wish"..

I asked for a pony - every year - until I was 13.. I never got it.. It was just a WISH..

 

[CurlyGirl]

The 18 yr old shouldn't have been in on that family anyway, she is her own family unit now, and she is the adult.

I agree with you on this.

However, I would bet that, since an office was getting this family, the organization decided to keep the 18 yo and her child together with this family as one family unit for ease. That way, the organization kills two birds with one stone. They don't have to find another person/group to give the 18 yo and her child to and don't have to worry about collecting an additional package. KWIM?

 

[2binak]

OP -try to find another way to give this season that will make you feel more comfortable.

We have similar experiences at work. Families used to ask for necessities for their kids like jackets, socks, warm clothes & a few basic games. The parents have always been included, but would only list one inexpensive item for themself. We'd always get them more becuase we could see that they really did this for their children and we thought that they deserved more for reaching out.

Recently, families have been getting very specific with brands & asking for highly priced items like game systems. The parents have been asking for high priced items too. Many in my company don't agree with it. We feel that while people do deserve to have something for the holidays, they don't necessarily deserve to have better than the people who are giving it to them. Especially when it comes to game systems. How can you justify getting a game system when you can't even afford the games?

 

[pensgirl10]

There's no reason children should stay home and take care of children

Are you saying it's better to be on welfare than for an 18-year-old to babysit younger kids - including her own child - so mom/grandma can work?

 

[Wendy31]

I would return that family to the agency and either say if this all the better they screen the families I'm not participating or else i would ask for another family.


The 18 yr old shouldn't have been in on that family anyway, she is her own family unit now, and she is the adult.

I can't believe this groups are including the parents. Once they started doing that I quit participating in those programs. When I have been short on money the gift for my DH and his to me was the first thing that went. So they can do with out also.

The only thing like this I have participated in lately is one at church that is for children with a parent in prison so the parent can give their child something. This program has a very reasonable price limit and you are not allowed to go over it since they may have more than 1 child and they want them all to be even. 2 yrs ago when I did it (didn't last year because my DH was out of work) it was $25 and the girl I had wanted sheets and the year before she wanted a sweater.

This is what our church's preschool program is doing as well. We chose a one-year-old little boy who is asking (or his parent is asking!) for "learning toys". Our limit is $25.

 

[Tinkh]

Our tree at school has some really sad things on it. Examples of our tree say things like:
4 year-old girl. Learning toy
11 year old girl. Yellow shirt with a collar size small.
7 year old boy. Fire truck

 

[gracie1]

OP -try to find another way to give this season that will make you feel more comfortable.

We have similar experiences at work. Families used to ask for necessities for their kids like jackets, socks, warm clothes & a few basic games. The parents have always been included, but would only list one inexpensive item for themself. We'd always get them more becuase we could see that they really did this for their children and we thought that they deserved more for reaching out.

Recently, families have been getting very specific with brands & asking for highly priced items like game systems. The parents have been asking for high priced items too. Many in my company don't agree with it. We feel that while people do deserve to have something for the holidays, they don't necessarily deserve to have better than the people who are giving it to them. Especially when it comes to game systems. How can you justify getting a game system when you can't even afford the games?

Great point about the gaming systems!

 

[Jeafl]

I used to pick tags from the tree at our church until one year the church decided to put female prisoners names on the tags instead of needy children and families.

The school where I work now has the social worker choose some truly needy families from our school and I do all my buying for them. The bonus is, I get to see the results first hand when they come back to school in their new clothes and coats.

 

[gracie1]

OP - if you guys aren't too keen on doing the family, do you maybe have a childrens hospital in your area? If so, it may be good to look into doing toy donations there. I am looking into that here. Sometimes even supplying a cake or goodies for their holiday parties is so much appreciated. The parents are going through such a rough time with trying to work and pay the bills of their sick children, so it is really appreciated.

 

[golfgal]

Another excellent post..

As for requesting specific items, it's no different than a lot of "Wish Lists" children of posters on this board wish for.. Doesn't mean they get them, it's just a "wish"..

I asked for a pony - every year - until I was 13.. I never got it.. It was just a WISH..

But what else was on your list--certainly not all high priced items.

Our tree at school has some really sad things on it. Examples of our tree say things like:
4 year-old girl. Learning toy
11 year old girl. Yellow shirt with a collar size small.
7 year old boy. Fire truck

This is what we see at church too. I usually have the kids pick out someone their own age and DH and I pick out a few elderly. Usually they have things like "gloves" "hats" "blankets" on their lists. I always slip in a gift card to the grocery store in their packages too.

I agree with those that said get another family. It would be one thing if they were asking for ONE game system and a couple games for the WHOLE family, but listing that they want games for EVERY system on the market is just too much. I doubt a family that was financially secure that suddenly found themselves in need would ask for ANY of this stuff, ever.

If the mom is home on disability, I am sure she isn't "enjoying being home".

OP, contact a church or school and see if they can suggest a family in need. They usually know which families are truly in need of help.

 

[mylilnikita]

The "family matriach" doesn't have it on the sheet she is disabled. Her oldest had a child at 12, this is more of a cycle of kids having kids as I am sure her mom started out like this.

I would be asking for another family. Or perhaps contact a church or school as some have suggested and inquire about people who need help. or a children's ward at a hospital, homeless shelter, contact a battered woman shelter-many times they leave with what they have on and leave their stuff and kid's stuff behind and have to start over.

One of our local radio stations have a "stuff the bus" every year. they go out to certain cities and take toy donations.

 

[Coconut36]

I guess I am thinking you don't know their situation. Depending on the age of the kids and her skillset she may "have" to be a SAHM. Can you imagine trying to find and then pay for childcare for 7-8 children on a single income and pay rent, utilities, buy food, gas to get work..etc. So maybe she snags a retail job..it's not gonna pay for childcare..most retails workers qualify for welfare and food stamps based on how low their wages actually are. You don't know the circumstances behind the 12 year old having a baby either.

I guess when I do something like adopt a family or the Christmas Angel I don't stand in judgment of their situation or speculate on what they should be doing. If you don't feel comfortable, don't participate.

 

[gracie1]

I guess I am thinking you don't know their situation. Depending on the age of the kids and her skillset she may "have" to be a SAHM. Can you imagine trying to find and then pay for childcare for 7-8 children on a single income and pay rent, utilities, buy food, gas to get work..etc. So maybe she snags a retail job..it's not gonna pay for childcare..most retails workers qualify for welfare and food stamps based on how low their wages actually are. You don't know the circumstances behind the 12 year old having a baby either.

I guess when I do something like adopt a family or the Christmas Angel I don't stand in judgment of their situation or speculate on what they should be doing. If you don't feel comfortable, don't participate.

If it is only her bringing in the income then she would still be qualified for food stamps and possibly welfare, unless she is receiving child support. In my area she would also be elgible for state assistance with daycare where she probably wouldn't have to pay at all for daycare.

However, we don't know if she enjoys being a stay at home mom because something tragic has happened. Maybe she was working and this is unexpected.

 

[EMom]

I would like to add that it is as if we don't do for others at Christmas. DH's job finds needy families who make reasonable requests and we contribute to that. Another thing I do is look for a nursing home with a version of an angel tree. The people there often have precious little money and sometimes no family. They always ask for slipper socks, stamps, writing paper, gowns, robes etc. That is something to consider.

 

[Coconut36]

If it is only her bringing in the income then she would still be qualified for food stamps and possibly welfare, unless she is receiving child support. In my area she would also be elgible for state assistance with daycare where she probably wouldn't have to pay at all for daycare.

However, we don't know if she enjoys being a stay at home mom because something tragic has happened. Maybe she was working and this is unexpected.

There is no guarantee her childcare would be paid for. I seasonally often work in retail (I do SAH regularly) and many many of the permanent long time workers have issues with things like childcare..most have family/friends that do it for free. More than one has quit entirely because childcare costs would exceed any income from the job. The didn't qualify for their childcare to be paid for..why this particular person and not the ones I know? Why would this lady qualify but tons of retail workers dont?

I'm just saying there are things we don't know regarding her situation and off hand I can speculate her employment options are likely not huge..right now the market sucks for most as it is and if she found a job it would require her children going somewhere while she is working..that isn't free and could eat away at her entire salary and if she is making that salary she would no longer qualify for the benefits she gets now. Is the system broken in that way? Absolutely but that doesn't change the reality of what she might be dealing with.

 

[gracie1]

There is no guarantee her childcare would be paid for. I seasonally often work in retail (I do SAH regularly) and many many of the permanent long time workers have issues with things like childcare..most have family/friends that do it for free. More than one has quit entirely because childcare costs would exceed any income from the job. The didn't qualify for their childcare to be paid for..why this particular person and not the ones I know? Why would this lady qualify but tons of retail workers dont?

I'm just saying there are things we don't know regarding her situation and off hand I can speculate her employment options are likely not huge..right now the market sucks for most as it is and if she found a job it would require her children going somewhere while she is working..that isn't free and could eat away at her entire salary and if she is making that salary she would no longer qualify for the benefits she gets now. Is the system broken in that way? Absolutely but that doesn't change the reality of what she might be dealing with.

That is why I said in my area, she would have complete state assistance. One income on 9 kids would qualify her to have free childcare where I am from. I completely agree with you that it is hard to find a job right now though. And she could be a single stay at home mom because of something tragic happening to the family.