Really odd situation with our neighbor...(long story, sorry)

[Keli]

We have some really odd neighbors and have had a situation develop that neither my dh or I know how to handle.

Our neighbor is a single mother with two girls (one elementary age, the other is in middle school). We never, ever talk to her. She just doesn't answer when we smile and wave and say "Hi". She acts like she didn't hear us. Everytime.

She does, however, send her daughters over to ask us favors. Last year she asked us to feed and water their dog for them while they were gone on a trip and to get their mail. They ended up being gone for three weeks (a family member was ill and then died). We faithfully took care of their dog, feeding and watering it and playing with it and we also picked up their mail everyday. (We didn't have key to the house and never went inside it, the dog was an outside dog and the food was kept in the carport). Anyway when they got back I thought I would finally speak to the woman for the first time when I took her mail over to her. Well, I was wrong. She wouldn't open the door! I was sure she was inside and also felt sure she could hear me knocking (I rang the doorbell but since I wasn't sure it was working I knocked too). I ended up leaving the mail in a bag hanging on her front door.

Anyway, now we seem to have a real problem. Her daughters come over every couple of days and ask us to take them to school. Now the younger one's school is 15 minutes away and the older one's is a 20 minute drive. This is happening every couple of days and it's really strange because they don't come and ask until about 9:30 or 10:00am and the school starts at 8:00am. Their mom is working a third shift according to them so she should be home but we can't see the car when she parks in back so we really don't know. We are beginning to wonder if she is gone and doesn't realize how many times they miss the bus and how much school the girls are missing and how often we are taking them. When we've inquired the girls say various reasons their mom couldn't take them herself (car is broken down is the most common reason given but they take long trips every couple of weekends and I wonder how they do that with a car that's breaking down all the time and mom has never seemed to need a ride to work or anything).

This is all so strange and Dave and I don't know what to do about it. We hate to say no to taking the girls to school if it helps our neighbor when she's a single mom with no family in our area but we're not even sure the mom knows what's going on and since she's so strange about talking to us we aren't sure what to do about the whole thing.

 

[ez]

I don't think I would be driving these girls around without at least talking to their mom about it. You are putting yourself in a bad situation. What if, God forbid, something happened to them on your watch. You really need to discuss with the mom what is going on here.
There is no doubt, this is an odd situation. Whether it warrants calling child services I can't say, but that might be something to look into. If your saying the mom refuses to talk to you, next time the girls ask for a ride, say that you really don't feel comfortable driving them around till you talk to their mom about it. I can understand you want to help them, but there is really something going on here, and you need to be careful. Good luck to you.

 

[MJames41]

Is it possible that she has a disability and might be embarrassed to speak to you? Or perhaps can't hear? That might be a reason for her not answering, or wanting to talk.

As for the school situation, I would consider speaking to the principals of the schools. Just my thoughts.

 

[DemonLlama]

You may want to call CPS just to rule out any problems in the home such as substance abuse that is keeping the mother from getting her girls to school. If she refuses to answer the door for them, perhaps they can get to the bottom of it.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

My guess would be that the Mother is coming home from work and going to bed -- and the girls are responsible for getting themselves up and to the bus. For some reason, they are probably oversleeping and then reluctant to wake their Mom.

You really need to talk to the Mother the next time it happens.

I don't think you should call CPS unless you have something more -- such as the girls appear like they aren't being taken care of, or they start asking for food and money.

 

[disykat]

Weird. Obviously these girls need some kind of help. I would call ASAP and talk to the counselors at their schools. Just tell them the whole story and let them do some investigating since this involves missing/ being late to school. They may have better luck contacting the mom. If not, they'll call CPS. I also think calling CPS would be appropriate, but it may be easier to start with someone familiar with them. I don't know if CPS automatically investigates if it is a first complaint. The school may even suggest you call in addition to them so they have two complaints on file.

I just have to say that I think it is wonderful these girls have concerned neighbors like you. In addition to contacting the school, maybe you can gently question them about why they are missing the bus. Maybe a simple solution like getting them an alarm clock may help. (Obviously that's not a solution for the whole problem, but may help them get to school!)

At this point you don't want to alienate the mom because the girls need to be able to come to you for help if things go really bad! What a difficult, sad situation.

 

[Beauty]

I think the call to the counselor at their schools is the best idea. I would leave CPS out of it until I learned more. Maybe the counselor has more information. I also think I would talk to the mother no matter how she tries to avoid you.

I don't know, part of me says I would tell the girls you can't do anything more for them until you speak to their mother.

 

[castlegazer]

Call CPS - don't just rely on the counselor - go to the principal if you don't want to call CPS. This is a bad situation and you are being taken advantage of. There is absolutely no good explanation for her behavior. Everyone says you don't want to allienate the neighbor - how are you not already alienated. You don't talk to her, you only talk to her kids who need more help than you are capable of giving.

You are very kind and loving of your neighbors and I totally commend you for it - just go one extra step and help them seek help for what is inexcusable behavior regarding her kids wellbeing.

 

[wovenwonder]

Please tell these kids that you absolutely CANNOT take them to school anymore unless their mother calls and asks you to do so. If something happens and you did not have 'permission' to have her children in YOUR car I think it could become a horrible situation for you.

I also agree to call the school and talk to the couselour and/or the principal.

 

[CEDmom]

This is a tricky situation and you are really wonderful neighbors to be caring for these children like you do. I agree with those that said to contact the school. Also, I'd think the school would have been in touch with the mother about this situation already. I can't imagine kids can just repeatedly waltz into school 2 hrs late without a red flag going up.

I don't know how CPS is in your area but it doesn't have the best reputation here so I wouldn't be inclined to call them until other avenues have been exhausted.

When you mentioned they take long trips every few weekends I immediately thought that perhaps the dad is in jail. This may be completely off base but if not it might explain some of the mother's behavior. Maybe she's afraid that people will find out their business if she gets too close.

 

[worm761]

are these kids being left alone all night while the mother is working? they are way too young to be left alone all night! call the school counselors. they would be your best first avenue. then call CPS if things are not resolved.
i also agree with everyone else. DO NOT TAKE THEM TO SCHOOL ANYMORE!!! taking them in your vehicle is way too much liability! do not get yourself into this mess. they need more help than you are capable of giving them. it sounds to me like they are raising themselves. really sad. kids this young are not old enough to get themselves off to school.
***edited to add: i am a single mom. NEVER would i let my DS go with someone I did NOT know!!!

 

[peg2001]

My first thought is mental illness. If it were me, I would try prying the girls a bit more and see what kind of information I could learn from them first.

Peggy

 

[Keli]

You know, I've been thinking about this situation a lot today and wondering exactly how we should handle it because it's obvious, even to me (a person much more likely to let things go than address sticky issues) that something has to be done here.

I think the thing that has held me back more than anything is how embarrassed the oldest girl appears to feel everytime she asks me to take her to school. She's such a sweet little girl and I have hesitated asking her many questions because I haven't wanted to appear unwilling and embarrass her further.

But I have decided that I need to speak to the mother whether she wants to or not so that I know for sure that she is aware of my taking the girls to school and at what time of day. I am also going to try to talk to the older girl the next time I take her (I feel sure that opportunity will be soon, lol) to school and find out what is going on at home. I think that a 13 year old girl is too young to be left at home with her younger sister at night also but I believe that 12 years old is the legal age in KY to leave children without adult supervison.

The girls do appear to be well fed and dressed. They wear typical clothing, jeans, sweatshirts, tennis shoes most of the time and they always seem clean. They are well mannered and the oldest one especially is very sweet and soft spoken.

Also, some of you have mentioned that maybe the mother has a handicap and has trouble communicating with others. I had not considered that possibility and if that turns out to be the case I will make sure she is able to understand what I am trying to say (even if we have to write notes back and forth) and that I understand her.

I appreciate everyone's input on this situation. In case you can't tell my dh and I both hate addressing sticky issues and put it off as long as possible hoping it will work out without our having to say anything. This is just too weird though and I can't let it go on any longer.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would tell them no & you need to OK this mom first before you drive them anymore. (Heck maybe she doesn't know) Perhaps they won't miss it anymore.

 

[Kallison]

If you are not on a speaking basis with the MOm I would definitely not take these girls anywhere. Especially don't let your DH alone with them inthe car, that is just setting yourselves up for trouble. I would send them home and tell them the car rides are over. Also kids can't get into school late w/o a parent signature without being truant I would think?? At least not in our school. I also believe leaving a dog outside all the time is abusive.

 

[janette]

I would have to wonder if these kids are pretty much on their own. Are you sure she's sending the kids over or have they just found that you'll help them out without too many questions. Kids are pretty resourceful and by that age a child could learn to pretty much fend for themselves most of the time. They would also know that if they don't go to school CPS might get involved and what to say if asked about mom.

 

[sunsprinkle24]

I agree with everyone else, I would not give any more rides until I spoke with the Mom.

At my children's middle school, you are allowed only so many tardies and then you will get an afterschool detention. I wonder how they are getting by with being late so often?

 

[MAGICinMYHEART]

That was my first thought also, if you haven't talked with the Mother you shouldn't be putting them in your car...Do both you and your DH drive them, or just you, or just DH..if your DH was ever taken them by himself he could leaving himself open for a dangerous situation. Talk about a sticky issue.

Hope you speak with the Mother, don't let it just continue.

 

[chager]

It sounds like the mother may have trouble talking with people. I know my husband would NEVER ask a neighbor for anything. In fact come to think of it I really can't remember him EVER talking to any of our neighbors He is extremely introverted. If you call CPS that would most likely strain relations even more although I will admit it was one of my first thoughts. I would call and talk with the school. I find it interesting the kids can sign themselves in when they are tardy. We usually have to have a parent if they are really late. (Not always but usually) I also know that after so many tardies the school contacts home. I do know they will contact CPS if tardies reach a certain number. There are alot of steps in between but eventually it will happen. At our schools the kids get a detention after X tardies, too. It is awesome you are there for the kids though. They will remember that when they get older. (However in todays society I agree you probably should be careful ) I pray a solution that works for everyone will present itself.