REALLY Looking At Cell Phone Records

[grinningghost]

As many of you know, I had a little situation a while back with my DH and a million text messages to a female coworker.

Although we're working that out between us, I can't help but look at those cell phone records online - over and over and over. Yes, there are TONS of phone calls and TONS of texts between them in the past several months. I've looked at these calls so many times, yet something draws me to look again.

I'm worried I'm becoming obsessed over something that is in the past and was supposedly nothing more than a friendship among coworkers who like to complain about work alot.

Can anyone give me a good explanation for WHY I might be looking at this obviously painful stuff over and over? I need a DIS shrink.

I overheard her when DH called to tell her he wouldn't be in contact with her anymore - she said something like "Why does she think that? Doesn't she know we're just friends? Blah, blah, blah..."

I'm so tempted to send her copies of the phone records so she can SEE for herself just how much time they spent "complaining about work" together at all hours. Maybe then she'd get it.

 

[Uncle Remus]

Oh Darlin', I'm gonna let the wives advise you on this one, but I want to wish you the best happiness and I hope you don't have to go thru hell to get it.

 

[ADisneygirl]

When things like this happen to shake our trust, it makes sense that we don't forget it instantly. I understand going to look at the phone records. In the back of your mind you just want to be sure. Are you looking at the old records or are you looking at the current records to see if he is following through?

 

[LindaR]

I haven't followed your other posts.......but could your brain be telling you something that your heart doesn't want to hear?

 

[FreshTressa]

*hugs*

I'm glad you guys worked it out.

I do things like that too.....not sure why though.


As my grandma would say, that friend of your husbands sounds like a 'real piece of work'

 

[juligrl]

I can't blame you for looking. If I was in your position I'd be looking at everything DH was doing. On some level a trust was broken and it's going to take time to rebuild it. Have you expressed this to your husband yet?

 

[Jennifer S]

I'm like you. I have a hard time letting things go. I would try though but keep one eye open. If something new comes up I'd say something. If not try and be happy and let it go. None of us are perfect. I'm sure your DH learned his lesson.

 

[CheshireVal]

This is some advice I was given when I went through something similar: find a mental block. Whenever you find yourself looking at (or thinking about) those phone calls and text messages, block it out of your mind with a picture of something else. (Preferably a picture of a happy moment in your marriage).

As long as you keep obsessing about it and turning it over and over in your head, it's always going to be between you.

I know how you feel, though, and it IS difficult to let go!!

 

[dmslush]

It sounds like you are becoming obsessed with viewing the records. Why do you keep looking? I don't know, are you trying to reassure yourself that you did the right thing confronting him? Or are you trying to tell yourself that it is okay that you hurt and those records are justification of that hurt? You may never know why you keep looking.

But, you and hubby aren't going to be able to move forward until you put this behind you. When you feel the urge to look at them, stop, walk away from the computer and wait 15 minutes. During that 15 minutes, find something else to do, something that you enjoy. Go for a walk. If you still feel that you have to look at them, write about your hurt in a journal and why you feel that you need to see the records. Do whatever you have to do to avoid them. Is it possible to have the cell phone company remove the bills from online?

I hope this will get better for you!

 

[grinningghost]

OK, so I'm not entirely nuts?

My DH knows I've been looking. In fact, I *think* he's so embarrassed, that he, himself, can't even look at them. He scanned, but I don't think he really dug himself into it. I think he's kind of weirded out by his own behavior.

If I could post these phone records here, you wouldn't believe how often this particular number pops up. I know it by heart. In fact, I've tried, to no avail, to do a reverse phone directory search to find out where this sweet young thing lives. All I get is the town where the cell phone is based.

I'd so love to know exactly where she lives, so then I'd have more ammunition if that particular address ever pops up unexpectedly.

 

[Sherri]

The good thing is that you haven't found anything current.
I want to say that this woman was totally, totally in the wrong. She may have had other intentions (that you just don't know since you don't know her). Your husband has proved by ending his communication with her that he has no intentions of anything whatsoever to become of their friendship. It seems like her reaction was that of a spoiled brat when he told her that he won't be communicating with her again.
I think from what you said, that dh really had no intentions of ANYTHING other then a friendship. He may have been a bit niave or misguided as to what she may have wanted. You handled things well. In time you will find yourself looking at the records less and less.

 

[Amy&Dan]

I had a friend who had something like this happen years ago. To her husband this gal was just one of the guys, a computer geek like him that loved to hike (wife didn't like to) etc. To my friend, his wife, it felt a bit different. She evenutually put her foot down and over time her husband saw that A) he had hurt his wife and violated her trust. And B) he had given this other gal false hope because she didn't want to be just a friend. Men are slow to figure these things out. 10 Plus years later this still hurts my friend but she did move on. She had to let the past go and literally put a mental block about this issue up in her mind (as someone else suggested on this thread). She did this at a counseler's suggestion and it worked. I would say, make yourself stop looking at the old records. But feel free to monitor current records of any nature. He messed up on the trust issue, he's going to have to earn it back. But hashing over the old stuff, that he's owned up to and apparently distanced himself from, is just going to hurt you.


And to this woman who caused you so much heartache. Someday she'll get this Karma paid right back to her. And man oh man, does she deserve to!

 

[grinningghost]

Without a doubt, I will monitor every new record that comes in. I never used to, but I do now. And he knows that I do. Unless he's using someone else's phone to communicate with her, they aren't in contact anymore.

However, he has warned me that they will, at some point, have to work together, but he's even gone so far as to offer to call in sick if it looks like that's going to happen. I told him that wasn't necessary, but I did admit that if the day comes that they will work together, I'll probably feel pretty sick about it.

This isn't like an office setting. They work on trains. 2 people, 1 engine, 12+ hours most trips. That a long time to be in such close quarters with one other person - I'm sure you all get what that could turn into.

 

[monkeyboy]

1 word

prepaid

 

[Serena]

I can imagine what you are looking for. Why didn't I see that, where there any other signs I should have seen, when did he have time, etc, etc.

I'd probably be like you. That green eyed monster is called a monster for a reason. Your hubby has given every indication that I've seen that whatever was in his head, is out. He's doing things to reassure you, he's not getting angry with you for being hurt or jealous. From what I can tell, he's really trying.

But you dont have to get over this immediately, it will take time, but if you think you are becoming obsessed over the past records, then yeah, you might want to try to stop it.

How about having him write you a love note. Paste the thing on the computer. Have him take you to Build a Bear and get a stuffed animal, put a love note inside and whenever you feel jealous, hold onto that animal. It's something tangible, it might help.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

Well I can tell you I just went something like this about 6 or 7 months ago.Exact same thing.I never used to check cell phone records but i got our bill and he had went way over on minutes and had never done that before so I checked and found this one number.It appeared so many times it was crazy.I felt like throwing up because i knew it had to be something.So I confronted hm about it and he said the same thing as your DH.
That they were just friends blah blah blah,She is married to.So i showed him the bill and he assured me it would not happen again.

We were going through something in our marriage at that time to actually it was a medication making him act towards me like he was.But still no excuse for him talking to her like he was.Her Hubby got their bill to and went through the roof.

Well since then it has stopped and no more calls like that at all but I set and go through the records every month and will contnue doing it until i feel like I can truely trust him completely again.I really dont like doing it but it feels like I just set waiting for the email our bill is ready.

So I know what you are going through and it sucks.

Misty

 

[TDC Nala]

Is it possible to have the cell phone company remove the bills from online?

I wouldn't do that if you need them to make sure he isn't still contacting her.

 

[Frantasmic]

I'm so tempted to send her copies of the phone records so she can SEE for herself just how much time they spent "complaining about work" together at all hours. Maybe then she'd get it.

IMO, you want some sort of validation from her that what she did was wrong and caused you pain. Some part of you needs that from her to move on.

One problem with this is that you think "logic" will somehow overrule "emotion." I remember your other thread and it looks like you worked things out with your husband. Yet, you need her to accept your pain.

Sadly, that probably won't ever happen. If she truly was just a friend to your husband, she'd have succombed to logic already. They knew how much they spoke to each other. She's won't suddenly see the myriad columns of her number and realize or admit that whatever they were doing was more than friendship in her eyes.

You need something that isn't obtainable now, because it would have naturally occured had it been as she said in the beginning. That's my opinion.

You see, your husband had the natural reaction: oh, I see now that this relationship, even if it was just friendship, looks bad and I've hurt my wife. I will amend my ways and not let that happen again. That reaction was "logical" based on the sheer volume and his "emotions" came into focus and they focused on you.

If she had had that reaction then, it would have been real. Since she didn't, her affections and intentions weren't just friendly. And no amount of numbers is going to make her realize that now.

 

[grinningghost]

Can I just say that you guys are amazingly insightful? Everything I've read in these posts has made me think. I enjoy that I don't need to pay a counselor for insight that I can get from everyday people right here.

I appreciate every single post.

 

[HeatherH]

I enjoy that I don't need to pay a counselor for insight that I can get from everyday people right here.

Please don't discount the idea of a counselor. I know the people here are very insightful, but it is obvious that you still have some doubt and pain (and RIGHTFULLY so) no matter what your husband does. It does sound like he is doing everything he should, but you DO still doubt him...and her. It WAS a situation that screamed AFFAIR, and you're not going to get over it quickly.

Without details, been there, done that, and counseling helped IMMENSELY. Please don't let the DIS be your counselor...let people be your FRIENDS, but please get professional help from a qualified professional. Take your husband too, if you want. It WILL help you get past the obsessive need to relive it all, if you find the right person. You and your husband need to reconnect on many levels...the fact that he isn't in contact with her anymore is not enough. You need to reconnect romantically and emotionally, for you to TRULY not want to obsess over the past again.

I wish you both the best.