Reactive Attachment Disorder

[Kat77]

I've mentioned before I normally avoid posting about DD10's attachment disorder b/c others tend to pick apart wording and posts. If it gets to that point I will withdraw from this thread because I do not care to spend my time explaining or defending my parenting or my kiddo.
DD is sweet, fun and loving which you do not to hear about when I am discussing her RAD behaviors. We've adapted our daily lives around the RAD so most days we see a wonderful little girl who lights up the room. Just like with AS parenting, RAD kids have triggers we learned to anticipate and avoid in daily life.

 

[KirstenB]

I've mentioned before I normally avoid posting about DD10's attachment disorder b/c others tend to pick apart wording and posts. If it gets to that point I will withdraw from this thread because I do not care to spend my time explaining or defending my parenting or my kiddo.
DD is sweet, fun and loving which you do not to hear about when I am discussing her RAD behaviors. We've adapted our daily lives to around the RAD so most days we see a wonderful little girl who lights up the room. Just like AS parenting, RAD kids have triggers we learned to anticipate and avoid in daily life.

I'm truly sorry if my question seemed critical. I was afraid it could be taken that way, and almost didn't post it. The little I've read about RAD convinces me it is a complex, easily misunderstood disorder. I hope you will continue to post.

Before our younger dd was born, I'd sometimes lurk on autism threads. I had met a couple of kids with autism, and wanted to be better informed in interacting with them. Ironically that information-gathering came in handy, little did I know!

 

[Kat77]

Your wording was very nice. I was pretty sure it was not meant to stir up anything.
I know from past experience things get nasty fast with RAD postings. I, MYSELF, have had huge issues with past reccommended RAD treatments because I feel they can be harmful or counterproductive. RAD is a scary disorder and quacks are often lurking to "help" desperate, overwelmed parents. AND I am far too young to be calling myself jaded, damn it ! Eight years ago it was impossible to find parents out there who had enough experience with RAD quacks to say much...
I'm wary to discuss DD's RAD b/c it makes the kid sound like a psychopath, which she is not. She is quite wonderful and I have so much hope for her. RAD kids are survivors things that no one wants to remember.

 

[Ka' eo]

Right there with you on needing a smaller house.
DD is not allowed upstairs with guests (making gameroom useless), backpacks stay downstairs in dining room, no phones upstairs, our home office looks like a computer lab (no internet in bedrooms!).... at times it seems super controlling but there are reasons for these rules...and NONE are are about control, it always comes back to safety here!
I will share our most recent incident involving DD10... she is not allowed to play unsupervised outside, I was cleaning the van so I urged her to come out while she could, at one point I notice a large group kids heading to the side of our house to be out of MY view (but I let them go b/c I assumed (oh so rightly) someone had been dared to kiss... LOL!). They returned quickly enough. TWO WEEKS LATER, I learn DD and another boy are on Youtube kissing! The girl who took the video is DD's bestie & not for one second do I believe my DD was unaware of the plan to post it. In fact, I do assume DD hatched the plan and this other girl got caught in the scheme since it's a known mission of DD's to be on YouTube (blocked at home). Ugh- 5 minutes w/ME nearby and she STILL makes it onto Youtube! Gotta respect that dedication to deviant behaviors. Kissing dares, I can deal with, but tween sex videos, not so much! Reeling her back into my sight at all times again...

You could be me. This is my life. We have a HUGE old house and I cannot let the children play alone upstairs or outside alone. Bad things happen. We live in the sticks, so there aren't any neighborhood kids around. Supervision is exhausting, huh? 24/7. I am right there with you. And we have our computer right in our den/LR/Greatroom, whatever you want to call it. They will not be able to have cell phones for a long time.

You absolutely have to be structured and very involved or these kids will make really poor decisions. I don't think you sound controlling at all. You sound realistic and you have learned what you need to do to keep things safe and ok.

 

[Ka' eo]

Do not misunderstand me. DD honeymoons with her teachers, she's a charmer. She just takes up unnecessary time and attention with superficial things like jammed fingers and scratches. She hangs on the teachers like a baby monkey needing affection. Last year, she learned she could get all sorts of special attention by saying mom and dad were in the middle of a horrible divorce . I probably need to ban televison but really you can invent good lies from anywhere.... and several kids in her class were going to the counscelor b/c this was true for them.

Then, the teachers are freaked when sweet, loving DD is caught with a stolen cell phone for the first, second & third time at school. She cried croc tears the first time and by the third time she was indifferent towards school police officer I insisted they call in...

By the end of a school year, most teachers tend to feel "used" by DD. While I can totally sympathize, they often ignored my advice and set themselves up for the position.

This is classic too. Classic. I just read your other posts. You articulate clearly and your daughter is so lucky to have you! It sounds like you are lucky to have her too. She is quite a character! The hanging like a baby monkey line had me

Okay, I have blabbed enough. It is nice to hear stories that I live.

 

[D&DDisney]

Do not misunderstand me. DD honeymoons with her teachers, she's a charmer. She just takes up unnecessary time and attention with superficial things like jammed fingers and scratches. She hangs on the teachers like a baby monkey needing affection. Last year, she learned she could get all sorts of special attention by saying mom and dad were in the middle of a horrible divorce . I probably need to ban televison but really you can invent good lies from anywhere.... and several kids in her class were going to the counscelor b/c this was true for them.

Then, the teachers are freaked when sweet, loving DD is caught with a stolen cell phone for the first, second & third time at school. She cried croc tears the first time and by the third time she was indifferent towards school police officer I insisted they call in...

By the end of a school year, most teachers tend to feel "used" by DD. While I can totally sympathize, they often ignored my advice and set themselves up for the position.

Well put! I so can relate. I really wish teachers, school, camp, band leaders, etc. would just listen to my advice at the beginning.

I've mentioned before I normally avoid posting about DD10's attachment disorder b/c others tend to pick apart wording and posts. If it gets to that point I will withdraw from this thread because I do not care to spend my time explaining or defending my parenting or my kiddo.
DD is sweet, fun and loving which you do not to hear about when I am discussing her RAD behaviors. We've adapted our daily lives around the RAD so most days we see a wonderful little girl who lights up the room. Just like with AS parenting, RAD kids have triggers we learned to anticipate and avoid in daily life.

Please don't worry. We all understand.

I love my son dearly. If I didn't I wouldn't have invested so much time and energy. Also wouldn't have put up with the violent outbursts (that no one else believes happens cuz he only shows them his angelic side) self and property destruction, stealing, lying, cheating, manipulation, etc. etc. etc. He would have been gone a long time ago.
I also hate it when people don't understand that regular discipline just doesn't work on RAD kids. So when we discipline we have to use some unconventional words and actions to get the desired response. So when I'm in line at Wal-Mart and you hear me "threaten" my son just look the other way. He's not being harmed, just disciplined.

 

[bookwormde]

Kat77,

It is very rare to have anyone on this board that have anyting but the best intentions (thanks in not small part to our moderator).

The discussion of RAD is very helpful to many parents who have chldren who have had any level of abuse or serious trauma. Certainly PTSD and RAD on occasion have some of the most unfortunate outcomes, but sharing perceptions, experiances sucesses and failures goes a long way to helping others so it is greatly appriciated. I come in contact wth a lot of parents of ASD kids who are clearly PTSD and are at the edge of heading down the RAD spiral, and this is in most cases is from "unintentinal abuse" so I especially appricate your experiances. While these kids certainly do not have the issues that are at the level that you are dealing with the infomation translates well

bookwormde

 

[sl_underwood]

Kat, I completely understand. We are right there with you. I know by creating this thread, I have opened up myself and everyone else who posts here to negativity but we need this. I have no support outside of the people right here. The people who are not dealing with this will probably never fully understand what it is like parenting a child with RAD. They couldnt. I read some books and attended some classes (for foster parent training) before my son came into my life. I thought I was prepared but NOTHING prepares you. I am still not prepared. There are times things are going so well and I think maybe he should get to (fill in the blank) but then I give an inch and all my hard work falls apart. He cannot be left unsupervised, not even for a minute. He is like having a toddler but one who can manuever any baby safety product out there. He attempts to manipulate everyone who works with him- uses his abuse to distract them from what they are supposed to be working on. Until recently, this worked with our speech therapist but the day she tried to steer him on track he became very hateful, cursing and yelling at her. Thankfully she continues to try and work with him, even though it isnt easy. Today, I am going to see the last psychologist here in our area. I am not hopeful but it would be nice if she could give us some help, even if it is minimal. I am sure by my posts it sounds as though I dont like my son very much, definitely not true. I love my son so much it hurts. I want to help him, to provide him with the tools for success but I dont know how. He has many good qualities, and even some of the difficult behaviors most likely helped him survive the life he lived before us. He is stubborn, tenacious, and never gives up when he wants it. I am just overwhelmed at the moment. I kind of feel like I am in a sinking ship with no life raft. I need that life raft so I can do this. You guys might just be my life raft...

 

[Ka' eo]

It appears there are a number of us here with these children who will support you. Keep talking. My son was really out of control until he was about 7, then still challenging. He lit the wallpaper in his bedroom after Christmas. I have always had to supervise him 24/7 which is darn hard to do when you are sleeping. I honestly did not get sleep for the first 3 years. I can see why they use this as a form of torture.

If the psychologist does not seem like a resource, then keep looking. You might have to drive somewhere further. Can you pm one of us and at least let us know what state you are in? We all might have some ideas of resources. I truly believe that even having a family therapist for yourself to have a person to vent to, get reality checks from and have support for you is critical.

Bookwormde is right about his PTSD. There are things triggering him all around. Heck, just having a parent is a trigger, right? So a really skilled therapist who can do some play therapy with him and can work on resolving some of the trauma would be helpful. Many kids who are controlling or manipulative are trying to make their abuse predictable, so they misbehave to at least know when they are going to receive their punishment. This control is a form of protection, as odd as it seems.

His trust will take years. Every single incident where he tests, acts, misbehaves and does not get abused will be one step further.

Get a break for yourself. Is there anyone who can watch him? Can you get someone from the school to come to the home to tutor him for an hour or two in the morning? Not having a break is (I think) causing you some serious burnout. I could be wrong, but that is my guess. You need time for you. Who can help with that? A grandparent? A sister?

Being discouraged is normal and understandable. I'll yell at anyone who comes on here and says one critical thing to you or any of the other parents struggling with their kiddos.

 

[Kat77]

I'm so sorry. Stress is making me preemptively defensive and insane right now... please ignore my self created dramas. RAD is the least of our problems this week. We have mulitple kids with disabilities so I feel like I'm juggling crisis' with no end. If I am not battling a school, I'm fighting with insurance or chasing down doctor's.
BTW, you're all invited to my pity party! It began last week and might end sometime this year (hopefully). And just know, your presence is present enough...really!

 

[sl_underwood]

The psychologist was hopeful she can help. She did agree that he has an alphabet soup dx and much of it overlaps. She is willing to help with a behavior plan and work with everyone in the family so hopefully it will work. Of course, she wants to go through his entire case file, get a full history, and then try and form her own dx so it could be a long while before any help is received. I have decided to send him back to school, starting Wednesday. He wont get much out of it most likely but I will get a break and hopefully he will get a good mom during the time he is home rather than the nervous wreck I have been replaced with. I will homeschool him after school and he will still atend homeschool group activities for socialization since he wont be getting much at school. They are placing him with kids who are severely retarded because they dont have a behavioral class for his age. He has been in a class like this before and he was the only child who spoke. So it is doubtful he will get much in the way of socialization. I will fight to get him in a classroom for social but that will take time. I will also fight to get a teacher who will actually teach but in our area that might not be all that easy. One of our biggest hurdles is that he acts as though he cannot do things he can. He only moves forward when we push him and only after he sees that he cannot manipulate and lashing out doesnt work. Teaching him is hard and it is doubtful I will find a teacher who is wiling to put forth the work. It is alot easier to say he is unable to complete the task than to push. I will push him after school and hopefully because I wont have nearly as much stress I can do it better. I am saddened that I have essentially given up and made him go back to a place that has done little for him but I dont know what else to do. I cant maintain my sanity and be with him all day right now. Maybe someday...

 

[sl_underwood]

I'm so sorry. Stress is making me preemptively defensive and insane right now... please ignore my self created dramas. RAD is the least of our problems this week. We have mulitple kids with disabilities so I feel like I'm juggling crisis' with no end. If I am not battling a school, I'm fighting with insurance or chasing down doctor's.
BTW, you're all invited to my pity party! It began last week and might end sometime this year (hopefully). And just know, your presence is present enough...really!

Its perfectly all right. We are all here for you. It is amazing to me to find so many families who are dealing with many of the same issues. I am glad I posted this, I have worried about it for sometime but didnt know where to find any support. Thanks to all of you, who knows, each of you might just be the only thing standing between me and a psychiatric facility, lol... J/K well maybe...

 

[Ka' eo]

The psychologist was hopeful she can help. She did agree that he has an alphabet soup dx and much of it overlaps. She is willing to help with a behavior plan and work with everyone in the family so hopefully it will work. Of course, she wants to go through his entire case file, get a full history, and then try and form her own dx so it could be a long while before any help is received. I have decided to send him back to school, starting Wednesday. He wont get much out of it most likely but I will get a break and hopefully he will get a good mom during the time he is home rather than the nervous wreck I have been replaced with. I will homeschool him after school and he will still atend homeschool group activities for socialization since he wont be getting much at school. They are placing him with kids who are severely retarded because they dont have a behavioral class for his age. He has been in a class like this before and he was the only child who spoke. So it is doubtful he will get much in the way of socialization. I will fight to get him in a classroom for social but that will take time. I will also fight to get a teacher who will actually teach but in our area that might not be all that easy. One of our biggest hurdles is that he acts as though he cannot do things he can. He only moves forward when we push him and only after he sees that he cannot manipulate and lashing out doesnt work. Teaching him is hard and it is doubtful I will find a teacher who is wiling to put forth the work. It is alot easier to say he is unable to complete the task than to push. I will push him after school and hopefully because I wont have nearly as much stress I can do it better. I am saddened that I have essentially given up and made him go back to a place that has done little for him but I dont know what else to do. I cant maintain my sanity and be with him all day right now. Maybe someday...

This is great! I think you are making excellent decisions. Going to school will be so much better for both of you. You are absolutely correct that quality time with you is better than a burned out exhausted mom all the time. My RAD son went to school for 3 hours 2x weekly in preschool. It was an easy decision to send him to kindergarten.

See how things can look better? Maintaining your sanity is paramount.

GOOD JOB! I think you are a great mom, and taking on this little guy is a true gift to all of us. Without smart, compassionate caring people like you, what would happen to these children?

Kat, I have 3 kids with special needs. We just started a med change with our youngest last week, which meant no meds during feb vacation. No skiing trip that was planned for us! We stayed at home so he could have minimal stressors. It just goes from one problem to the next. I have spent years just accepting that crisis is our world.

Where's the village it takes for us, huh?

 

[D&DDisney]

Kat, I have 3 kids with special needs. We just started a med change with our youngest last week, which meant no meds during feb vacation. No skiing trip that was planned for us! We stayed at home so he could have minimal stressors. It just goes from one problem to the next. I have spent years just accepting that crisis is our world.

Where's the village it takes for us, huh?

OMG...you poor dear. I hate med changes. or should I say FEAR THEM .

sl_underwood - You made the right choice to send him to school Even for a little while. Don't worry about the future teachers. You will have to fight hard for him, but don't accept anything less!!!! If he needs something make sure it gets put into an IEP and that they follow it to the letter!!!

My DS11 has a processing disability, learning disability, and a language disability in addition to the RAD, ADHD and other issues. For the longest time I had to fight over and over with teachers because he looks so normal and can one day take a test and be spot on, but the next day not remember a single thing. THey thought he was playing them for the longest time, but this went on for years - only to find out from his neuropsych tests that this IS his disability. (Did I mention he has a memory problem too?? )

Hang in there everyone. We'll get through this --- somehow.

 

[Ka' eo]

OMG...you poor dear. I hate med changes. or should I say FEAR THEM .


Hang in there everyone. We'll get through this --- somehow.

I know! This went better than most and I am glad we did it. My anxiety was skyhigh. I could use that drink!

The worst was walking him into school yesterday and letting go of his hand. My worries about what he would be like in school was the biggest stressor. But as it turned out, he had a pretty good day.

 

[D&DDisney]

The worst was walking him into school yesterday and letting go of his hand. My worries about what he would be like in school was the biggest stressor. But as it turned out, he had a pretty good day.

I usually find that if my son has a bad day with me, he'll have a good day at school and vise versa.

So glad the med change went smoothly!!!!

 

[Ka' eo]

I usually find that if my son has a bad day with me, he'll have a good day at school and vise versa.

So glad the med change went smoothly!!!!

Thanks! I spoke too soon. It was horrible today. Totally work avoidant and disruptive, not to mention, intrusive.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

 

[D&DDisney]

Yesterday, we had a real long day. Kids had school all day, afterschool care and then a program at church until 8pm. Thought my son was going to blow a gasket w/o any down time and the obvious schedule change. It is amazing how one minor change change to his schedule can cause so much chaos.

 

[sl_underwood]

Yesterday, we had a real long day. Kids had school all day, afterschool care and then a program at church until 8pm. Thought my son was going to blow a gasket w/o any down time and the obvious schedule change. It is amazing how one minor change change to his schedule can cause so much chaos.

Believe me, I totoally get it. Mine started school yesterday. Came home and everything was ok, thought this was such a great decision. Then of course, I told him it was time for homework and he starts crying and tells me how the teacher hit him and was mean to him and more lies and it pretty much destroyed the moment.

 

[Ka' eo]

Yesterday, we had a real long day. Kids had school all day, afterschool care and then a program at church until 8pm. Thought my son was going to blow a gasket w/o any down time and the obvious schedule change. It is amazing how one minor change change to his schedule can cause so much chaos.

That's a long day. Hopefully today went better!

slunderwood. Hurray that school started! Try not to get in battles over homework. Just do the best you can do. I hope you enjoyed the calm and peace during the day today!