rambling about a romantic issue

[resol37]

Fellow disers. I've never posted on the community board, but the following situation has been ongoing for about a year and a half now so I figured the advice of strangers can't hurt at this juncture. I'll try to keep it short.

I met a guy March of 2009. We went out on a handful of dates and things were going pretty well. I was definitely interested in pursuing a relationship, but he wasn't sure. He told me he'd take some time to think and get back to me and we continued to see each other for about two weeks after that. One night, after having dinner together he told me that he didn't want a relationship at the time and wasn't sure when he would. We continued with a casual relationship at that time (I say casual because this is a family friendly board and I don't know of a better way to describe what I'm trying to get across, but I'm sure you can imagine) but that was put to a stop at the beginning of July of 2009. We’ve been friends ever since and see each other two to three times a month. We’ve also had four “adults only” slip ups since March of this year.

He was 20 when we met (will be turning 22 next month – I’m 27 so there is a bit of an age difference) and is dealing with quite a bit of stress. His father died when he was 17 and his mother is disabled and does not work, he is an only child and they don't have a lot of other family. He currently works 7 days a week as a security guard and supports himself and his mother entirely on his own. I don't know how much he makes, but he's had to cancel plans with me in order to work more because he only had $20 to his name at least once. Over the time I’ve known him I’ve rather stupidly managed to fall pretty hard for him and I try to be as understanding of his situation as possible, but it’s difficult for me.

He’s expressed on a few different occasions that he does like me, does find me attractive and hopes that we will date at some point, but because of how little time and how much stress he has right now, he really can’t add anything else, including a romantic relationship, to his life and we’ve kept our friendship relatively low maintenance. I’m sure I’ll get responses saying that he’s “just not that into me” and I’ve given that a fair amount of thought. I know that’s quite possibly what’s going on here, but from how well I know him at this point I don’t think it’s true. He’s told me some harsh truths before and I genuinely don’t believe he’d lead me on for no particular reason other than to not hurt my feelings by saying he’s not interested in dating me ever. I’ve considered on a few occasions telling him that we shouldn’t see each other anymore as friends because of my feelings for him, but I don’t think I could do it.

Don’t really know what I’m trying to accomplish with this post. Maybe I just need to complain to somebody who doesn’t know me, but suffice it to say I’m ready to be flamed if need be. Anybody ever been in a similar situation? How long did it take for you to get over the other person? Don’t know if any advice can really been given, but you never know what wisdom the people of the disboards will uncover.

Sorry so long.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Fellow disers. I've never posted on the community board, but the following situation has been ongoing for about a year and a half now so I figured the advice of strangers can't hurt at this juncture. I'll try to keep it short.

I met a guy March of 2009. We went out on a handful of dates and things were going pretty well. I was definitely interested in pursuing a relationship, but he wasn't sure. He told me he'd take some time to think and get back to me and we continued to see each other for about two weeks after that. One night, after having dinner together he told me that he didn't want a relationship at the time and wasn't sure when he would. We continued with a casual relationship at that time (I say casual because this is a family friendly board and I don't know of a better way to describe what I'm trying to get across, but I'm sure you can imagine) but that was put to a stop at the beginning of July of 2009. We’ve been friends ever since and see each other two to three times a month. We’ve also had four “adults only” slip ups since March of this year.

He was 20 when we met (will be turning 22 next month – I’m 27 so there is a bit of an age difference) and is dealing with quite a bit of stress. His father died when he was 17 and his mother is disabled and does not work, he is an only child and they don't have a lot of other family. He currently works 7 days a week as a security guard and supports himself and his mother entirely on his own. I don't know how much he makes, but he's had to cancel plans with me in order to work more because he only had $20 to his name at least once. Over the time I’ve known him I’ve rather stupidly managed to fall pretty hard for him and I try to be as understanding of his situation as possible, but it’s difficult for me.

He’s expressed on a few different occasions that he does like me, does find me attractive and hopes that we will date at some point, but because of how little time and how much stress he has right now, he really can’t add anything else, including a romantic relationship, to his life and we’ve kept our friendship relatively low maintenance. I’m sure I’ll get responses saying that he’s “just not that into me” and I’ve given that a fair amount of thought. I know that’s quite possibly what’s going on here, but from how well I know him at this point I don’t think it’s true. He’s told me some harsh truths before and I genuinely don’t believe he’d lead me on for no particular reason other than to not hurt my feelings by saying he’s not interested in dating me ever. I’ve considered on a few occasions telling him that we shouldn’t see each other anymore as friends because of my feelings for him, but I don’t think I could do it.

Don’t really know what I’m trying to accomplish with this post. Maybe I just need to complain to somebody who doesn’t know me, but suffice it to say I’m ready to be flamed if need be. Anybody ever been in a similar situation? How long did it take for you to get over the other person? Don’t know if any advice can really been given, but you never know what wisdom the people of the disboards will uncover.

Sorry so long.

Hmm, take this from a princess that had to kiss a lot of frogs to find her prince (if you know what I mean), you need to MOVE ON. He is keeping you in his life as his "fall-back" girl. When he's got nothing better to do, he does you. Sorry to be so harsh, but that's what it sounds like.

 

[rie'smom]

Hmm, take this from a princess that had to kiss a lot of frogs to find her prince (if you know what I mean), you need to MOVE ON. He is keeping you in his life as his "fall-back" girl. When he's got nothing better to do, he does you. Sorry to be so harsh, but that's what it sounds like.

This may be true but even if what the OP feels is true-too much emotional stuff, etc. I still say move on. If you 2 are meant to be together, you will get together but in the meantime, you're putting your life on hold for something that may never happen. My DBIL was engaged to this girl and broke it off. They would get back together and break up. This went on for years. Now they're both 57 and neither has ever had a relationship or marriage. It could happen that they'll meet others but it won't happen between them. Moral of the story is don't waste your life.

 

[Imzadi]

I think he has been very clear & honest to you that he is in no way, shape or form interested or capable in any real deep relationship the way you want from him.

It seems, what you give him is companionship, comfort and the occasional booty call, which considering his life situation, is all pluses for him. You fill a space a void in his life, but you are not the girl of his dreams. Is that all you want to be? A space filler?

Even if his total life situation changed, there doesn't seem to be that kind of head over heals chemistry for him that you feel.

As for long will it take for you to get over the other person? That depends on when you will truly let him go and end things, then fill your life with another focus, interests and activities that are meaningful to you. It sounds like he is one of the most compelling things in your life right now. It is hard to give up that romantic high if your life isn't filled with other situations that are just as emotionally fulfilling.

 

[kwelch10377]

I am in a similiar situation, the sceanrio is different, but I have the same situation with trying to figure out whether or not I can continue with things as is. We have known each other for 10 years and we were friends before which is making it hard for me to let go, because I hate the thought of not being friends with him.

There isn't an easy answer, but I think in time you will know what to do. You will get the opinion that just move on, but it really isn't that easy and people can say it til their blue in the face, but only you know the situation and only you can figure out what to do.

I know this isn't much help, but I have yet to figure out what to do with my situation. The one thing I have not done with my situation is I haven't let it prevent me from dating.

 

[Angelhalo]

Hmm, take this from a princess that had to kiss a lot of frogs to find her prince (if you know what I mean), you need to MOVE ON. He is keeping you in his life as his "fall-back" girl. When he's got nothing better to do, he does you. Sorry to be so harsh, but that's what it sounds like.

I agree 100%. Yes he is probably telling you the truth, but it's not fair to you.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

I am in a similiar situation, the sceanrio is different, but I have the same situation with trying to figure out whether or not I can continue with things as is. We have known each other for 10 years and we were friends before which is making it hard for me to let go, because I hate the thought of not being friends with him.

There isn't an easy answer, but I think in time you will know what to do. You will get the opinion that just move on, but it really isn't that easy and people can say it til their blue in the face, but only you know the situation and only you can figure out what to do.

I know this isn't much help, but I have yet to figure out what to do with my situation. The one thing I have not done with my situation is I haven't let it prevent me from dating.

No, it's not easy to move one, it will most likely be painful for some time, but in the long run the OP will be much better off. She needs to find someone who really wants to be in a relationship with her, not the guy she's hanging out with now, because that's what it is to him - hanging out, with benefits. OP deserves better.

 

[resol37]

PrincessTaffy, you're not being harsh, I understand what you're saying. And it very well may be true. I don't 100% believe I am just a fall back girl to him, but...can't read his mind so what do I know. I have to accept that that might be what's going on here. I am trying to move on and I think realizing that's what you need to do is a lot different than actually doing it.

rie'smom, I've always had a problem with the "meant to be" stuff. I really, really hope that it will happen if it's meant to be, but it's so difficult to trust in that, you know?

Imzadi, I think you hit the nail on the head. I believe he does care for me, but I don't think he feels as deeply for me as I do for him...not a head over heels feeling for him. Although, I will say that the companionship, comfort and booty calls go both ways. We spent nine months seeing each other about every other week just spending time as friends before becoming intimate again and that doesn't happen every time we see each other even now. Plus, he's always been available to me to talk when I'm having a stressful day at work. But, generally, I think you're right.

kwelch10377, thanks for your feedback since you're dealing with something similar. Like you, I hate the idea of not being friends with him. We get each other pretty well and even without the romantic side of things, he's just generally a good person to know. I have gone out on dates with other people in the interim, but haven't gotten further than a third date with anybody. I'm trying not to hold myself back from possibly finding somebody else but until I find somebody I really click with, it's hard to let this guy fall by the wayside in my mind.

Thanks for your feedback guys!

 

[resol37]

No, it's not easy to move one, it will most likely be painful for some time, but in the long run the OP will be much better off. She needs to find someone who really wants to be in a relationship with her, not the guy she's hanging out with now, because that's what it is to him - hanging out, with benefits. OP deserves better.

Aww, thanks.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

He could care about you very much but it sounds like it's all he can do right now to work 7 days a week and support his mother. I would also move on because it doesn't seem like that situation will be changing anytime soon.

 

[Loves Disney]

I want to say you should just move on but that's hard for me because I was in a similar situation - minus the "casual relationship"...there was just none whatsoever. I was interested in someone and we both expressed a liking toward one another however he wasn't ready for a relationship. He was busy with getting his life situated and he wanted to focus on himself - he told me that he couldn't give me the attention he thought I deserved. However, I fell hard for him. Harder than I ever had. I couldn't just give up on him that easily. So we continued to keep a friendship (which was very difficult for me considering I wanted him romantically). We would occasionally have that conversation about where we were in our friendship and after a few drunk conversations (on both parts) where we confessed our feelings and then those sober conversations where we erased everything we had said, it was a back and forth roller coaster. I didn't know if I should wait for him or move on. He would tell me not to wait but then if I didn't, he'd get upset. It was very difficult and it lasted 3 years. Now, at 4 years, we are in a relationship. He had those years to develop who he was and take care of what he needed to take care of. In the meantime, I didn't "wait" for him per se -- I dated other men, but I always kept him in the back of my mind and it worked out where we were both available for each other when the time came.

My advice is, don't block him out of your mind but allow yourself to seek other options. Don't let him be your everything until he is willing to make you his everything. Explore what else is out there while he gets adjusted to whatever he needs to do. You will be able to sense how he feels about you if you find another man. His reaction will tell you a lot about how he feels.

You have to remember that you have your life. I know you don't think he's using you because people said the same thing to me about my boyfriend. I can't count how many times I was told to forget about him. After all, he told me for 3 years he didn't want a relationship. So I know how you're feeling. He probably is being truthful with you, a relationship probably is too much for him right now, but someday he will be ready for one. If you're both available for each other, it will work If not, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

[dzorn]

As mom use to say why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free.

If you want to continue seeing him make a PG or G rated dates only. If he is not interested in that then he is just using you.

Denise in MI

 

[Disney Doll]

So let's see:

A 22 year old guy who has an older woman interested in him.

A 22 year old guy who has an older woman who is a friend with benefits, basically, it sounds like pretty much when he wants.

A 22 year old guy who has an older woman who is a friend with benefits interested in him who is not really asking for anything other than to be in his life however he wants her to be.

Time to go, girl.
He's using you.
He's no friend to you.
You won't move on until you remove him from your life.

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

Tell him you care for him and that if he ever decides to grow up and want a TOTAL adult relationship, with commitment and companionship in addition to the booty calls, then he knows where you live.

FTR, it took me about a year to get over the person, but I did.

Then I met my wonderful, grown up, adult DH.

 

[resol37]

chloelovesdisney, yeah, that's a conclusion I've come to many times. His situation's not changing any time soon and who knows when it will. I'm determined not to wait for him (and I've told him so), but not waiting and moving on completely, emotionally just don't seem to be mutually exclusive.

Loves Disney, thank you for your input. It's great to hear feedback from somebody who's been through something similar. What you did is basically what I'm trying to do now. Like I said, I have gone out with other guys, but none really clicked. I hope that what they say about things happening if they're meant to be is true and I'm glad things were able to work out for you and your guy.

dzorn, even though I don't really agree with that saying, I'd see your point if we hadn't been friends and nothing more for close to a year. As it is, we've only had rated R time together four times in the past six months. Thanks for your feedback.

 

[rodeo65]

Yes, I was in the same type of situation when I was your age. We started out as friends, actually he was a friend of another guy I was dating. When we broke up, I used to run into their group of guys out and around. He always made a point to say hi and chat with me for a while. It helped with the akwardness of running into an ex all over the place.

As time went on, he started calling me at home and then we started hanging out. I decided that he was just waiting an "appropriate" amount of time before dating me since I was a friend's ex. Eventually that time came and I fell HARD for him. We were casual dates, really more friends with benefits for over a year. I still dated others but would not allow myself to get attached. I just "knew" that when he was ready, we'd be together.

He also had some family situations - more to do with stress within his family dynamic - that I was convinced were the reasons he didn't want to commit to a relationship. My friends all told me to move on - it wasn't going to happen. My friends' boyfriends and one fiance told me to move on - it wasn't going to happen. I justified, excused and rationalized my way through one year and four months.

Finally, I gathered my courage and asked him one night what his feelings were for me. He was honest. He liked things the way they were and liked me a lot. He was not in love with me. I was heartbroken but told him that under the circumstances I wanted to stop seeing him - at all. Not to call me, not to drop by, and not to come over if we saw each other out somewhere. The worst, very worst part about it all was that he said ok, he understood how I felt and he was sorry he had hurt me. End of story. He left and never looked back. I would have said we were excellent friends aside from the benefits but he walked away easily. I never saw him again. He obviously changed his social routine completely.

It took me a long time to get past that, but once I did and opened my eyes to meeting, really meeting and getting to know other men, I met lots that were just great guys. It was another two years before I met my now husband but I really enjoyed those two years and learned who I was, what I liked, didn't like and what I really wanted. I have no doubt now (18 years later how can that BE???) that if I had continued along, we could have gone on for years - he was in no rush - with me waiting and hoping when I could have been living MY life.

I'm not much on the meant to be, not meant to be approach either. My mom once told me there were at least a dozen people you would meet in your life that you could have an equally good partnership with - it was just a case of meeting when you were each in the right place in your lives to come together. My DH and I have discussed this before. If we had met the year before we did, it wouldn't have worked. A year later - maybe not, who knows? We met when we met and it did work, but it did because I was open to it, not pining for someone who was not in the same place that I was.

Good luck - it's a very painful decision to let someone go that you just KNOW you could have such a great relationship with, but remember it takes two to create that relationship and right now, he is not creating. You are.

I would strongly suggest, for your own sake, that if you decide that you are prepared to move on, that you make it a clean break. Staying friends on any level will keep that door open and your hope alive when you need to look in front of you, not behind.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

So let's see:

A 22 year old guy who has an older woman interested in him.

A 22 year old guy who has an older woman who is a friend with benefits, basically, it sounds like pretty much when he wants.

A 22 year old guy who has an older woman who is a friend with benefits interested in him who is not really asking for anything other than to be in his life however he wants her to be.

Time to go, girl.
He's using you.
He's no friend to you.
You won't move on until you remove him from your life.

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

Tell him you care for him and that if he ever decides to grow up and want a TOTAL adult relationship, with commitment and companionship in addition to the booty calls, then he knows where you live.

FTR, it took me about a year to get over the person, but I did.

Then I met my wonderful, grown up, adult DH.

Yep.

 

[Frantasmic]

Despite the age difference, he seems pretty diligent about his responsibility now: taking care of his mother.

If she were out of the equation (able to live on her own without his help), would his feelings toward you change in your opinion?

What is it you really want from him? Is it a committment and the both of you looking after his mother or a committment and you two moving on and leaving his mother to fend for herself, even if it is with occasional help from the both of you?

Those issues seem to be the big elephant in the room that weren't really addressed in the previous posts.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

At this time he is not your "match". You have to accept that, cut him loose and move forward.

You are trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

 

[MushyMushy]

It sounds to me like you guys just aren't in the same place for a relationship. It's nobody's fault, but you can't force it. IMO, I agree with the other posters who say it's time to let go. I know it's not easy and I've been there many times.

 

[padams]

So let's see:

A 22 year old guy who has an older woman interested in him.

A 22 year old guy who has an older woman who is a friend with benefits, basically, it sounds like pretty much when he wants.

A 22 year old guy who has an older woman who is a friend with benefits interested in him who is not really asking for anything other than to be in his life however he wants her to be.

Time to go, girl.
He's using you.
He's no friend to you.
You won't move on until you remove him from your life.

:QUOTE]

The family stuff and stress are just excuses. If you were the woman of his dreams, he'd find a way to cope with it all. You are grasping for any little bone he throws you by making excuses for him.

You won't move on and find someone else until you totally cut him out of your life. He likes you but, as obviously you realize on some level, he's just not that into you. You're a friend with benefits. Why shouldn't he drag you along until something better shows up in his life? It's better for you to move on now than feel more heartache when he finds someone he is into...because that is going to happen eventually.

Get busy with the rest of your life and quit being a booty call buddy. You deserve better.