We did a wonderful workbook together when we were engaged and I can't for the life of me remember the name of it
but it had lists of questions such as "who did the finances in your family" "Who handled the correspondance" "Who bought groceries" "Who bought gifts" etc.
The idea is that you have these unconscious expectations based on how you grew up. For example, my mom was an accountant. She kepts the books for a business with 5 stores. Dad taught English. He wasn't into numbers. Mom did all our financial stuff. I always saw Mom balancing the checkbook, paying bills, etc. However, in DH's family his Dad did all that. So each of us expected that we would be the one responsible. Finding that out beforehand stopped it being an argument based on gender roles, and let us talk about what would be the best thing for US, based on our skills and what we wanted to do
Also, my mom wrote letters and sent all the Christmas cards. Mom also bought all the gift, for her side and for my dad's side. So I don't think it odd that I now do the same thing. I love to shop and DH hates it, so why shouldn't I be the one to buy his parents' Christmas presents?
If we both hated shopping, then that's different. But I don't do the shopping because "I'm the woman" but because I enjoy it and want to.
My Dad always drove the car when my parents went anywhere together. Sodid DH's dad. Both our moms hate to drive. I hate to drive too. I've never driven with DH in the car, except when he had outpatient surgery and he was incapable of driving. (He kids people that he won't ride with me unless he's sedated
) However, if we're together, he's driving. That's just "normal" to us.
Things like that are good to find out beforehand, so they don't turn into arguments about old-fashioned gender roles or something.
However, despite being thorough, the book didn't think of everything.
Things I didn't find out beforehand:
He likes the top sheet put on "upside down" so that when you turn back the covers, you can see the pattern. I like the sheet put on with the pattern facing up, and I like the bed totally made up, not turned down.
He likes the toilet paper over the top, I liked it over the bottom (notice that's past tense - he converted me - lol)
In my family, birthdays were huge. We got a family party, a friends party, and we got to be taken out to dinner on the Sunday nearest our birthday and choose the restaurant. Birthdays were a non-issue in his family. He had birthday parties, but not a week-long celebration of his existance. Now my parties as a child were not extravagant by any means, but a big deal was made over the fact that it was my birthday. He just doesn't get this. He still doesn't, but I refused to give in on this one and my kids get BIG fusses made over their birthdays.
The more you know about each other before you marry, the better. But yes, you will still be finding out new stuff years and years later!
More questions I thought of:
Does Santa wrap gifts?
How much money does the Tooth Faily leave?
How will you divide the holidays between your families? Christmas is the biggie, but even things like Memorial Day and 4th of July can be issues if your family ALWAYS goes boating on the lake and his ALWAYS grills out at home...
good luck.
).
