Questions about funeral etiquette

[missypie]

A couple of questions: How close do you have to be to the deceased or the deceased's family before you "go back to the house" after the funeral? Several co-worker's spouses have died. I've gone to the funerals but have never gone to the house afterwards. I always think that if it was MY spouse or child, I'd want only the people who are the very closet to me to come to my house after the service. Yet, I hear about other co-workers (who also, aren't super close) going to the house. Am I being rude by NOT going?

And what about going to the burial/graveside service after the funeral? I only go when the deceased is a relative or a very close friend. When I go the service of a business acquaintance, or a friend's parent that I never even met while alive, I don't go to the burial service. That seems right to me. What do you think?

 

[snoopy]

I do exactly what you do. I've always thought going to the house afterward or to the burial place is really for close friends and family.

 

[nliedel]

I play it by ear. If I feel like I am close to the family I go, if not I go home. If you have gone to lunch several times and talk about personal things with the deceased's family then you should go.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

Usually the invitation to the home after the funeral or to graveside services are open, unless otherwise stated. For both of my son's funerals, little cards with directions to our home were handed out to everyone who came to the services, and our pastor made mention of getting together at our home at the conclusion of the services. Food was served, and having friends and family to come home to was so much better than an empty house. We noted on the service programs that interment/graveside services would be a private - meaning only very close friends and family were invited. I think visiting the home after services, even for a quick visit, is not only appropriate, but would be appreciated by the family.

 

[malibuconlee]

Around here I believe most people who are at the church/funeral home go to the cemetary. There will be a lot of people who go to visitation to pay their respects and not go to the funeral especially if they weren't as close.

Also we tend to have gatherings after the service that include food and are usually not at the home, but at the church basement or a club they belonged to. (My aunt died a couple of years ago and we had a dinner at the boat club they spent a lot of time at).

 

[Mercy]

Well, the way our family has always done that is whoever cared enough to come to the service and the gravesite was more than welcome to come back to the house or wherever we were having the luncheon. I think if you are invited to the luncheon, then you should go if you feel comfortable enough with those who will be there. When someone dies it nice to see how much they were loved and respected by other people other than immediate family, that is why it is nice to attend.

Now if it's pretty clear that only certain people are invited to attend these things, then it's best not to go.

 

[WDWLVR]

Funerals for us are usually two parts. The wake at night where everyone comes and then the funeral the next morning which usually starts at the funeral home, then to church for a funeral Mass and then to the cemetary. Anyone who comes to the funeral is invited to the luncheon or back to the house after.


Of course I did have an Aunt of my DH's who go upset that she wasn't invited back. She wanted a personal invitiation not the general announcement by the priest at the end of Mass.

 

[Stitchfans]

I always felt just like you. Though just last week my uncle passed away. It was the strangest feeling at the funeral. Hope I will be able to explain it properly. My uncle who died is my mom's sisters husband. My mom died in 1999. 3 years later dad remarried. Mom's brother cut himself off from the family once dad remarried. I haven't seen or talked to that uncle for several years. Now mom's sisters husband passed away and I see my mom's brother at the funeral. He wisked my aunt away and my dad, his wife, my brother and his family and me and my family stood there wondering what now? So we ended up going to a restaurant as a family while my mom's brother, sister and some cousins gathered at my aunts house. We asked what was going on and was told nothing so that is why we went our own way.

have I totally confused everyone? So even though it was family we felt uncomfortable going to the house. People who were/are family my entire life then felt like them and us. What a horrible feeling.

 

[goofy4tink]

When my mom passed away two years ago, we had a collation in our church hall. The funeral director made an announcement that all were invited to this collation. It seems to me that it was mostly close friends and family members that came in, but it certainly wasn't a small group. Some people just came in for a moment to speak with whichever family member they may have been close to and then left.
When my father in law passed away shortly after, we had a luncheon back at my mother in laws home. Since they live about 2 hrs away from a lot of their old friends, everyone was invited to that also. An announcement was made after the service.
I would think that if an announcement is made after a funeral regarding a collation or some type of meal, it would be expected that anyone who was at the funeral would be there.
If it is supposed to be a 'family affair', then no mention will be made, other than directly to the family at some earlier time.

I tend to not go to graveside services unless I'm close to the family though. I just feel like it's almost an intrusion. But, if it's mentioned after the funeral, then you should feel free to go. Same as a collation.

 

[missypie]

When my mom passed away two years ago, we had a collation in our church hall. The funeral director made an announcement that all were invited to this collation. It seems to me that it was mostly close friends and family members that came in, but it certainly wasn't a small group. Some people just came in for a moment to speak with whichever family member they may have been close to and then left.
When my father in law passed away shortly after, we had a luncheon back at my mother in laws home. Since they live about 2 hrs away from a lot of their old friends, everyone was invited to that also. An announcement was made after the service.
I would think that if an announcement is made after a funeral regarding a collation or some type of meal, it would be expected that anyone who was at the funeral would be there.
If it is supposed to be a 'family affair', then no mention will be made, other than directly to the family at some earlier time.

I tend to not go to graveside services unless I'm close to the family though. I just feel like it's almost an intrusion. But, if it's mentioned after the funeral, then you should feel free to go. Same as a collation.

I've never heard the term "collation" in this context.