question regarding: exspouse, kids, etc...

[Lady V]

ok-I will try to be as brief as possible....here is the story....I went through a divorce a couple of years ago. he was a great father. I have full custody of both kids. move forward to now-he has moved about 3 hours away and has only seen the kids for maybe 10 days since Jan 1st. Every time he is suppossed to get them there is a conflict with work. (he works nights)
anyways, he always pays his child support and all so I don't want you thinking he is deadbeat dad or anything. But part of me does feel he is neglecting them by never seeing them. DOes that make sense? Anyways, I am graduating in a couple of weeks and have a job offer that is in Florida. I also have a job offer here where I live now. Now, if he was still living here I would take the job here so the kids could see him. But since he moved away first, and never see's them, it is wrong of me to move the kids to another state? I have asked him if he cares and he says it is fine to move. So, hre is the question part!!---
1. he covers their medical as well and I will need to get insurance in florida instead of here so will he just have to get it on his own or would I need to find it and send the info to him?
2. what sort of visiting arrangements would people recommend? (keep in mind he never see's them now but anyways!)
3. he says it is fine but should I go to an attorney and have it all done "properly" so there can be no ramifications later? I figure the money is worth the peace of mind.
4. can anyone think of anything? i welcome all input and do appreciate honesty. thank you so much for your time everybody---I always know I can count on my Dis friends to help out. It seems no matter what situation is on the boards there is at least one resident expert in the subject. thanks...

 

[HookdonWDW]

I am graduating in a couple of weeks and have a job offer that is in Florida. I also have a job offer here where I live now. Now, if he was still living here I would take the job here so the kids could see him. But since he moved away first, and never see's them, it is wrong of me to move the kids to another state? I have asked him if he cares and he says it is fine to move.

If he is okay with the move, and it's the job that you want, it sounds like there's no reason not to make the move.

1. he covers their medical as well and I will need to get insurance in florida instead of here so will he just have to get it on his own or would I need to find it and send the info to him?

He should check with his HR dept, or you could check w/ the insurance company. If the court order says that he's responsible for insurance, then it should cover the children regardless of which state they live in. They should be able to instruct you on how to find providers in the new state.

2. what sort of visiting arrangements would people recommend? (keep in mind he never see's them now but anyways!)

What sort of visitation agreement do you have now? How comfortable is he with this visitation schedule... even though he's currently not exercising his visitation rights, I'd go back over this with him, as well as spelling out who is responsible for transporting or paying to transport the children back and forth, as well as methods of transportation.

3. he says it is fine but should I go to an attorney and have it all done "properly" so there can be no ramifications later? I figure the money is worth the peace of mind.

Personally, I would spend a little money to make sure that all of your i's are dotted, and your t's are crossed. Just because everyone is agreeable now, doesn't mean someone won't have "selective amnesia" down the road. Some of this may depend on what was in your original custody agreement. Were provisions already put in place in case one of the parents decided to relocate out of the state? You've already thought of insurance issues, and visitation will probably have to be revisited since what works when you live near each other may not work when your located further apart.

4. can anyone think of anything? i welcome all input and do appreciate honesty. thank you so much for your time everybody---I always know I can count on my Dis friends to help out. It seems no matter what situation is on the boards there is at least one resident expert in the subject. thanks...

Sounds like you are already trying to figure out how this will work best for your family. You also seem to be trying to make sure that he still has a place in your children's lives (whether or not he's taking the steps to be there). Best of luck to all of you!

 

[darlak]

Call the attorney you used for your divorce. They should be able to tell you if provisions for relocating are spelled out in your current decree. You do need to have everything spelled out regarding who transports for visitation, etc. It probably already is, but it's better to be sure. Good luck!

 

[Merriwind]

You are probably OK with the insurance as is. My DH's company is headquartered in the mid-West. Our insurance over the years has been either BSBC of ND or IL. Meanwhile, we've always lived in NY or FL. Never been a problem at all--just gets billed through the BCBS network. (Of course, I would check, but if his company uses one of the big national carriers, you should be fine.)

Good luck. I hope all works out the way you want!

 

[Darcy03231]

I work for an attorney that specializes in divorce and this situation comes up frequently.

1. It depends on the insurance company. Your ex would have to check to see if they cover Florida.

2. Most of the agreements we do when there is travel required have several weeks in the summer, school vacation weeks, alternate Christmas holidays and anytime the other parent is in the state where the children reside. They also usually have the parents splitting the travel expenses.

3. Even though he says its fine some states have specific laws about moving children out of their "home state" when there's a divorce. It can require either a court order or written agreement. I would definitely check with your attorney on that.

Whatever you end up doing, if you're moving you should have it as a written agreement and filed with the Court. You don't want to move and then have you ex decide its really too far away and file something requiring you to come back.

 

[badblackpug]

Been there, doing that. My eldest, also has a father who, even though the child support is never late, does not exercise his visitation rights as often as he should. ...and it is the same excuse "work." Anyway...his insurance should cover the kids if they are in another state. My ex has BC/BS and his HR dept. just issued an extra card and sent a book with local providers. DEFINITELY consult an attorney and have a written agreement signed by both you and your ex drawn up. Make sure to specify visitation agreements, and transportation agreements for visitation. Including who will be responsible for paying for transportation.

...on the off note. Think about the ramifications on the kids. Mine sees her father so little she has little connection to him, and this DOES cause emotional issues. (particularly with a stepfather who is more of a father to her than bio dad) She has definitely vocalized that "Daddy's work is more important than me" I don't know that age of your kids, but as they get older the "splitting" thing is a factor...

 

[bumbershoot]

Be sure to get it all properly done with an attorney or two. Like someone else said, some states have issues with it.

When my mom remarried and moved to Miami, my dad was steamed about it. My brother was in HS and has his own mind about it (I was off to college), and my brother never wanted to see him anyway. At the time, according to my dad, it was illegal in CA for my mom to have done that. Now it's legal. He still moans about it (refusing to understand that my brother was already "over" him). If my dad had had the money for a lawyer, he could have made things very hard.

Sounds like your ex isn't doing that, but you just don't know how people might change in the future.

On the other hand, visits when farther away can be MORE fun! I know when visiting my dad, he always *said* that he had the days off, but always managed to be called in to work anyway (he drove for Greyhound, so we just went with him on the bus, which was fun, but wasn't QUITE the same as hanging out at his place). But once I was in college and visits were planned out, infrequent, and involved flying, I had more of his undivided attention. Time was taken off, and time was spent with me. Much different than the every other weekend thing that became rote and boring.


So that's my perspective.

 

[Lady V]

thank you so much everybody. I knew there would be people here who would be able to offer information that I might not have thought of. I am really confused about what to do...if he still lived here (keep in mind he has already moved 3 hours away from here) I would take the job here with no question so that my kids could see him. But, with him already gone and not seeming to care it makes it seem like I wouldn't be so wrong to move them. what I do think is that he secretly wants me to move so that he can stop worrying about making up excuses. oh well...I (and many others) are praying about this and I know I will figure this out! thanks again everybody and i still welcome any additional insight. for the record...I live in Tennessee and would be moving to Florida. thanks..

 

[Perditamarie]

Lady V, you sound like you have it together and I have been thinking about your post all day. I seems that you have a decent relationship w/your ex..have you mentioned anything to him about the lack of visitation? It has been about 5 months since he moved and he may not realize what he is missing. I think it would be wonderful if you could stick around and foster the relationships if you need to. Then eventually if you move, you will know you did everything you needed to for the benefit of your children. What do they think about the move and their dad?

I hope your gut feeling is not true...maybe he is going through something or depressed, or something, but he needs a little wake up call. I will think of you all in my prayers and I am sure you will make the best decision for your family.

 

[TheDizMom]

I have never gone through any of this, but I just wanted to say good luck with everything. It sounds like you and your ex have a good relationship as parents and are putting your kids first, which is hard to do, so you should be proud of yourselves for that. My best friend and her ex have never been able to do anything without a fight and lawyers. I think for everyones peace of mind you should have everything done through your lawyers though. You seem to be working things out pretty well between the 2 of you, so it should just be drawing it up to protect all of your interests.

 

[Blondiex46]

I love that you are really thinking about this, but you havent said how old you children are? Have you spoke with them about this to see what they want to do. Also, I would check with your custody agreement that was included in the divorce agreement and see if it says anything. If not I would speak with an attorney about drawing up an agreement regarding the separation. Prior to that speak with your ex about his intentions if you move about seeing the children. I agree that something might be going on that you are not aware of.