Question for parents who spank...Updated further down

[eeyore kelly]

I can't stand it when people spank their kids. It cannot be justified in any sense or in any situation. I just don't think it's right even if it's only "a little swat"

What's that phase? Oh yea, Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

I was more than spanked as a child. I remember my father kicking me repeatedly, picking me up and throwing me on the ground, throwing me against the wall, slamming my head into the door while beating my face, etc. He said it was because he was abused as a child and didn't know any different. Two wrongs don't make a right, so I never bought that excuse. My sister and BIL tell me that my dd doesn't receive nearly as many spankings as she deservers (my BIL told me that last night actually). I still remember how I grew up and it scares me. I spank dd only as a last resort and it's never hard at all.

Btw, my father and I are now really close. Go figure.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

LOL! I have too mastered the LOOK, lovingly passed down to me by my dear mother. Hers was one that legends were made from.

LOL! My "Look" was used effectively on several children in the McDonald's ball pit yesterday.

We don't spank DD, but I was spanked as a child. I do have to say that I don't think my parents used this rountinely. We were sent to our rooms, toys taken away, etc. first. We either had to do something really bad or be warned a lot before we were spanked.

I do remember the spanking's being humiliating though-bent over the lap, bare butt (sometimes). My Sister had a yard stick broken on her backside. I also remember sitting in our room waiting for the spanking. The humiliation is what i remember most and I think that is wrong. Some may think it teaches a lesson, but I think it affects self-esteem. JMHO.

 

[JennyMominRI]

While I am someone who has chosen not to spank, I do see a difference between an everyday spanking and abuse.. I don't think people who spank their kids are abusers. I don't think people who spank are bad parents either. I just choose differently

 

[Missy1961]

I grew up in the 60's and the 70's. I was spanked once by my mom, NEVER by my dad.

See, my dad was abused by his dad, and he never wanted to do that to his kids. But he discplined us--and we all knew what he expected of us. If we did something wrong, there were consequences. We'd be grounded, no TV for a week, etc. We also got "timeouts" before the rest of the world did! I can remember being sent to our rooms when we had had a giant spitball fight (the 5 of us--my baby sister wasn't involved). The one time I was spanked by mom I had been talking back, and had been misbehaving, and she gave me the swat on my butt, and I cried, and she explained why she did it. I know I rarely talked back again.

My parents must have done something right. We all turned out pretty good, and 4 of them have kids that are also well behaved.

 

[chobie]

I agree but when you don't know anything else like I did growing up I thought I was being spanked not abused - in the 60's no one ever said a parent abused their child by spanking them, even when using an instrument to spank/hit.

That's true. What I considered abuse, my parents considered spanking. Yet, it seems like most of the people who thinking spanking is okay define it as few swats on the butt, not exactly what some of us experienced as children.. That is why I cringe when people talk about spanking children, because unless they specify, I have no idea what constitutes a spanking in their mind and I assume its more like the beatings I received. Where do people draw the line and where do we draw the line as a society are the questions.

 

[bananiem]

That's true. What I considered abuse, my parents considered spanking. Yet, it seems like most of the people who thinking spanking is okay define it as few swats on the butt, not exactly what some of us experienced as children.. That is why I cringe when people talk about spanking children, because unless they specify, I have no idea what constitutes a spanking in their mind and I assume its more like the beatings I received. Where do people draw the line and where do we draw the line as a society are the questions.

Good point. My defintion of spanking is what I received as a spanking as a child...A swat or two on the behind.

 

[Southern4sure]

Growing up with my 3 brothers and 3 sisters, my mom used switches and a belt. She never used anything else physically. The worse part was having to pick my own switch. I do not resent the "few" switches or spankings I received. But I do resent the mental & emotional abuse. Mom used guilt to her advantage. Mom was controlling, she would make herself sound so pitiful and because we loved mom so much she would have us crying and begging for forgiveness, we thought we were the meanest most selfish kids. We were not bad kids, we never drank, smoked or caused my parents any problems. But you would think so for the way she acted. It is just my mom wanted attention and used us to get it. My mom was/is a instant yeller. She yelled alot. Mom was never active at our school, she would send things for parties, but never went to meet our teachers, or to any PTA meetings and such. I decided at an early age to be exactly the opposite of my mother.

This mental/emotional "punishment" has stayed with me forever. When a situation arises, I cant help but remember how my mom handled it( like she needed and excuse) and I immediately do the opposite. A swat on the behind is not abuse and I really wouldnt call it a spanking. A spanking for us as a child was pulling our pants down and leaning over the bed waiting for the switch or belt.

I have never used a switch or a belt on my boys. I have in a few instances given my boys a swat on the butt/spanking like when my oldest at 4 took off running in a hopsital parking lot and would not stop no matter how much I begged. Or my youngest at 3 jumping in the deep end of the pool at our condo without any warning (mind you we were all fully dressed for dinner!). There are times for a swat/spank. I just never had to often. I can count on 1 hand for each boy and still have room to count the number of times I has "spanked" my children.

Southern4sure

Sorry for the long post......

Southern4sure

 

[Planogirl]

The threat of being spanked was normally enough for me but then I hated it when my parents were mad at me. I always felt so creepy.

DS has never been spanked. He has had his hand swatted when he reached out for something he wasn't supposed to touch but that's it.

 

[kasar]

I don't know if I agree or not, I just know that the few times I spanked my girls, I felt terrible after. I was mad at myself for losing control that much and reverting back to what was done to me (I do remember the shame of having to walk past my father to go up the stairs knowing that he was going to swat me).

I know people do spank, and I would never question someone else's parenting (well, you know....if it went over the line or something that's different) but experience has shown us that it's not for us.

 

[totalia]

My mom used spanking as a last resort. Sometimes kids can't understand consequences and need to have an immediate consequence to make sure they don't repeat the behavior (like torturing the dog is NOT acceptable).

 

[missypie]

To the person who posted that kids used to behave back when they were spanked: I think that if you would poll the prison population, about 95% of them would have experienced intense physical "discipline" as a child. I doubt that many of them had parents who never laid a hand on them.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Sometimes a brief amount of pain is a good way to instill that something is not a good idea. I haven't ever spanked my kids when I was pissed, but they have been spanked on many occasions (betwen the three of them). It isn't an issue. I don't believe in using shame, or empty threats or screaming. They know if they lie, (for example) to me that they will be spanked. Pure and simple. That allows them to make their choices with a clear idea of what they are dealing with. They also know what behaviors lead to grounding, time out, etc.

What makes discipline abuse, whether physical or emotional is taking your anger out on a child. They are not equipped to deal with that. (Most of us aren't!) What makes discipline work is calmness, consistency and love.

 

[totalia]

I agree with meandtheguys2

 

[bananiem]

They know if they lie, (for example) to me that they will be spanked. Pure and simple.

But couldn't grounding them or taking away a something that has to do with the lie be more effective?
For example, my kids know that if they lie to me about who left out the video game equipment, they'll get the Game Cube and Game Boys taken away for a month. If they own up to it right away without trying to blame the other one, they get taken away for just a week.

 

[meandtheguys2]

That is where folks are different. I wouldn't take anything away for a month. I believe discipline loses its affectiveness the further you get from the crime.

I also find that long term punishments foster resentment. Kids stew in their anger. In our house we have quick and immediate discipline and then forgiveness, which I believe to be the key. That is not to say that I intervene with natural and logical consequences. If the toy is broken or plans ruined because of a behavior, that is just the way the cookie crumbles.

 

[katerkat]

I don't know anyone who "routinely" spanks their kids. Most everyone I know who does spank, uses it as a last resort when other methods don't work. I know for me, it was effective at a certain point in my life. Then all Mom had to do was take away my books, so I stopped getting spankings. My little sister got more spankings because other methods of punishment just didn't work.

 

[meandtheguys2]

I don't know anyone who "routinely" spanks their kids. Most everyone I know who does spank, uses it as a last resort when other methods don't work. I know for me, it was effective at a certain point in my life. Then all Mom had to do was take away my books, so I stopped getting spankings. My little sister got more spankings because other methods of punishment just didn't work.

Hey Katerkat! I thought I would state publicly that spankings are not routinely used in this household, because they are not necessary. The last one occured around Christmas and it was my 5 year old. DS10, and 8 haven't earned the privilege in months.

I have to say for them that they are awesome (but far from perfect!) young men who dealt with huge family crisis for the last six months with maturity and grace.

 

[bananiem]

I also find that long term punishments foster resentment. Kids stew in their anger.

Our kids know the consequences ahead of time. Loss of privileges is always the punishment. One child has lied to me about the Game Cube being left out. Once. Never happened again. He didn't llike having it taken away 'cause it's his favorite thing. But if you ask him he'll say he knew that would be the consequence.
I feel that the punishment has to tie into the crime somehow. I feel that the loss of the privilege of playing his 30 minutes a day is a way to teach him than a swat on the behind.
I have also taught my kids that if they own up there may or may not be a punishment depending on the rule broken. If I find out they lied to me they'll get a bigger punsihment. (Hence my story about the Game Cube being taken away for a week vs. a month).

 

[auntpolly]

My mom used spanking as a last resort. Sometimes kids can't understand consequences and need to have an immediate consequence to make sure they don't repeat the behavior (like torturing the dog is NOT acceptable).

It can be immediate without hitting.

Hate to quote Dr. Phil, but he says that children need to be able to predict with 100% certainty what will happen if they misbehave. It's the lack of consistancy that screws people up, and not the type of punishment.

My friends always thought I was too hard on DD and I never hit her -- I just never ever bluffed. My friends cave all the time, the spankers and the non-spankers alike.