Question for parents who monitor kids' internet activities

[Marseeya]

For those of you who monitor your kids' chat logs, I have a question about ethics. Not the ethics of monitoring your own kids, but what you're seeing with other people's kids.

If you see something really outrageous on another child's account (chat, blog, whatever), do you feel any responsibility to tell the parents? As I said in another thread, I did let my friend know when I saw something objectionable on her DD's MySpace account, but some of the things I see on DS's friends' accounts would curl your hair. Some of it flat out worries me.

I'm of two minds. I'd love to tell the parents what I'm seeing (some of it is really serious). But on the other hand, I don't want to get dragged into any trouble. My first responsibility is towards my son, and one worry I have is that someone will TELL him that I'm monitoring his logs and then he'll quit using chat and I'll lose that source. For those who have followed my saga with my son, I really need whatever help I can get to find insight into his life.

What are your feelings on this? What would you do in the same situation? I'm not looking for advice, but just discussion and your thoughts.

 

[VSL]

I have no idea what I would do - except that I would spend too much time thinking about it

You know, I have so much to look forward to as a future parent..

 

[Jeafl]

I am in the same position as you. I CANNOT believe what is on the myspace pages of some of the kids I know.

I came across the myspace page of a daughter of a very good friend of mine and I almost died! The pictures of her were bordering on obscene. She talked on there about how she drinks, shoplifts, has sex. The heading across the top of the page was in big, bold letters.. I LOVE C---! (Imagine a rooster here...). Did I mention this girl is 14???

I struggled with it for a long time, before my husband made the decision for me and called our friend over to see it. My friend was shocked and terribly upset. She did thank me for showing her though, so it turned out ok. I was really hoping she wouldn't be upset with ME.

The hardest part is that I never would have believed it of this girl, she seems so sweet and innocent.

 

[golfgal]

I guess I am lucky that I know the parents of my kids' friends well enough that if I saw something on a chat log I would feel comfortable telling them. We had a situation last month where someone got into DD10's msn account, she stupidly shared her password with a couple friends, and they changed her sign on name to something about her hating her best friend. Her friend was all upset about it and her mom called me, from her vacation in Hawaii no less, to see if I knew anything about it. DD hadn't been home the day this happened so I knew it wasn't her. I checked the log to see for sure and there wasn't anything there. I wouldn't put it past this friend to have changed the sign on name herself and her mom knows that too.

Sometimes you have to take things with a grain of salt on these boards, but if I saw something that shouldn't be there I wouldn't hesitate to say something to the parents. Parenting is hard work and we all need all the help we can get. I would expect the parent of our kids' friends to do the same for us.

 

[dmslush]

I try very hard to take things with a grain of salt and consider the source when I am looking over dd's things. When it comes to her, I know she is going to cuss a little, talk a little bad about someone, etc... I remember what it is like to be 14. I remember what it is like to fight with my friends one day, love them the next, have a boyfriend today, be broken up tomorrow. So, I don't get too worked up over stuff.

At this point, I have not gone to any parents over what their children post on the net. For one, it is not my responsibility to monitor someone else's child on the net. Two, many parents in today's society have a "Not my child" attitude. I don't want to get caught up in the drama of outing some kid for some stupid thing and then having to deal with an irate parent. I am not close with any of Shelby's friend's parent except for one.

Now, things that I will discuss with dd and take to a parent:

Kids cutting themselves: I don't know about everywhere else, but this seems to be a real rampant here. If I ever think that a child is cutting, I'll call the parent.

Domestic Violence: As most of you know, I work at a domestic violence/sexual assault shelter. So, it is my moral responsibility to call a parent if I think their child is being harmed by a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Sexual Assault: Again, my responsibility to call a parent if a child has been attacked and is not seeking help.

Drug use: If I think they are using drugs, then of course I will call mom and dad.

Drinking: If I find out that they are drinking, I'll call mom and dad.


For the rest of the stuff, lewd pictures, suggestive tag lines, etc... The parents of these kids have to take some responsibility and know what their children are doing. Being a parent of a teen is hard, but you have to do it yourself and not rely on everyone else's mother telling you what your kid is doing. Check the internet, check the digital camera, check the computer.. these are not hard things to do.

 

[Kirby]

A friend of mine looks on her daughter's Myspace account quite regularly and often looks on others if they are not private. She often follows trails of comments and came up with a girl's myspace that she didn't know but attended the local middle school. There was some very detailed things in there, harmful things that she was doing to herself. The girl sounded very depressed and possibly suicidal. Since she didn't know the girl, she contacted the school's counselor with the information.

 

[rt2dz]

My kids aren't really old enough for that yet, but... One thing you might want to consider is if you know the parents, is to simply ask if they monitor their kids internet usage. Or in other words, discuss it generally. If it is something that needs immediate attention (drugs, suicide, violence), then bring it up directly.

Also, I'd point out how that stuff effects your future. Colleges are dening applicants that have questable material in public areas of the internet. So are employers--denying jobs & promotions. And what you put on there doesn't ever go away. And the poor applicants never know why they are turned down. One of those news shows just did a big whole thing on that.

 

[Marseeya]

A friend of mine looks on her daughter's Myspace account quite regularly and often looks on others if they are not private. She often follows trails of comments and came up with a girl's myspace that she didn't know but attended the local middle school. There was some very detailed things in there, harmful things that she was doing to herself. The girl sounded very depressed and possibly suicidal. Since she didn't know the girl, she contacted the school's counselor with the information.

That's an excellent way to handle it. The guidance office can be discreet and confidential, right? I should find out. There's one girl that really worries me, but I know nothing about her parents and the little I've read seems like they might not be the best people to approach about some stuff.

So sad.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

no I don't. A good deal of what I see on teen internet behavior -- myspace, live journal, and instant messaging is nothing more than immature posturing to try and make themselves seem Bigger, Badder, and much more scary than they really are. Most of what I see is locker room bragging and really atrocious language combined with punctuation that would give their English teacher a coronary.

I have seen things however from "good" alter boy type kids that would cause their Mothers to weep in tears. But if Mom wants to see it, she can track it down herself. I'm not going to rat them out. I also see many kids who have the "Mom Safe" myspace pages and then the "real" pages under other names. I see them in MY son's friends lists.

I read my son's stuff to keep tabs on him. I am the virtual fly on the wall and if I make noise, I'll probably be swatted out of the room. Unless I see a blatent suicide plea or good evidence of drug use or other dangerous behavior, I'm not going to close off that avenue to know what he is up to and who he is consorting with.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

I've posted this before...

My neighbor's daughter used my computer to access her My Space account, and I found out and I told her mother, who informed me that she'd been blocked at home.

The girl is 11 years old and posted her name, age, school she attends, and stuff she likes on this page. I thought it was a little scary that ANYONE could get this info about her and knew her mother would, too.

Plus, My Space links to porn and NO child will be looking at that under my roof. Call me a fuddy-duddy, I don't care. 17 year-old-boys are one thing, 11-year-old girls are another.

And this all happened before the news stories, so it wasn't me being influenced by the media. I wouldn't rat a teenager out to their parent for swearing or smoking or dating someone their mom didn't like or anything, but my instincts told me that this was wrong, and I went with them.

My Space is OK for upper-teens and older, but I don't think young kids should have access to it, and they won't in my house.

My House, My Rules, NO My Space!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

no, I personally wouldn't let an 11 year old on My Space either. I really haven't had to confront the issue with my 12 year old because he hasn't asked. I think the earliest I would even consider it would be High School though.

I don't blame you there.

 

[WDWDad]

We monitor our DD's Xanga site. I have also checked out a few of her friends and classmates. I did find one girl's site objectionalable. How did I handle it. Next time I saw one of her parents, I brought up the subject of the Xanga sites. Asked if her daughter had one. Parent did know what it even was. I mentioned she should check it out and see if her DD did. Never mentioned that I saw it, but a couple weeks later she saw me and thanked me for the info.