Question for/about grandparents

[2sweetangels]

I love all of you equally but you are right, Stacey is first because she needs me the most being only 13 (almost).

I don't like to think of putting my kids or grandkids in order, but the younger they are the more they need to be taken care of.

It's not a matter of taking over or raising grandkids, but there is some kind of a bond that is hard to explain. If one of my older kids needed something and the DGD's needed something and I could only give to one it would have to be the DGD's, the older ones have more options.

And yes grandparents should be able to spoil them a little, I remember doing special things with my grandparents and my kids had a great relationship with my mom.

I would never do anything that my DD didn't approve of just because I think it is right. But I must have done something right because she is raising those girls the same way I raised her

I love you mom, being an only parent of 4, you did a wonderful job raising us.

 

[aprilgail2]

I would totally expect my mother to put her grandchild first...I am an adult, she doesn't need to put me first, I would be disappointed in her if she didn't put her grandchild/grandchildren first! I love that she spoils my daughter...I plan on doing it when my daughter has kid to my own grandchildren...

 

[Nancyg56]

And you sound like the ideal grandparent.

Thank You! I never had a real example to follow, so when I read a story about a Gramma who had saved for years to recarpet her home, and had invited her family over to celebrate her new furnishings. Her little DGD about 4 was enjoying a snack, and spilled her honey all over the new rug. She burst into tears, because she was devastated over the mishap. Gramma did not miss a beat. "Don't worry Sweetie, Gramma has a lot more honey for you." I decided that was the model I would follow with my DGD's when I was blessed. So far, so good! And when I slip into the Mom role, which is no longer my place, my DH (who is so much more fun than I) steps in and rescues the both of us.

 

[Nancyg56]

I never understood it when my friends would go on and on about their grandchildren and tell me "there is nothing like it". I couldn't understand my parents, who late in life, would drive hours to see my youngest brother's children play biddy basketball, football, etc.
This year I was blessed with two grandchildren. One a biological girl to my middle daughter, and one adopted baby boy from Russia by my oldest daughter. My whole world changed, as did DH's. Of course I love my children and I would lay down my life for them. But my grandchildren occupy a whole other part of my heart. They are my joy, and I adore them. There is a special bond between grandparents and grandchildren. I try to help my daughters and sons in law with providing for their children. No one ever helped me, and I am in a position where I can give. I pick up diapers and wipes and formula for them, and shop on ebay for gymboree clothing that they could not afford. I would never overstep my bounds. I don't show up uninvited, and I am careful not to wear out my welcome. I don't criticize, and I truly am in awe of my daughter's ability to mother these children. I am so proud of them, and tell them all the time. I don't love the grandchildren more, I love them in a different way. They are dependent and vulnerable, and I older and wiser than when I had my children. I am more patient, and I also don't have these babies 24/7. So, as grandparents, we have the time to give 100% of ourselves to our grandchildren when we are with them.
As far as the adopted baby from Russia, he will never get as much in return as he has given us. I couldn't love him more had I given birth to him myself. He is as much a part of our lives as any biological child would be. I never knew that we had that capacity to love, but seeing the initial photo of him from Russia, it was love at first sight.
I hope that this helps you to understand what it is like to be a parent and a grandparent. The love is as deep for both, but having a grandchild allows you to be the "parent" you always wanted to be to your own children. It is easier to be a grandparent - you don't set the limits or the rules, you don't have to worry about shaping the character or any of the other demanding jobs of a parent. You just provide the support and affirmation of the ideals your children have for their children.

You explained so well what I could never articulate. This is the way it is for me, and for most of the grandparents that I know. Well said!

 

[NMAmy]

I'm with Amy...I would never want my parents or ILs to put me before my DD...I want her to be first. But lucky for me, the GPs are respectful of my rules, etc. (at least when I'm around...I have no idea what they do when I'm not there, but as my mom says, "If we don't get caught, we didn't do it!")

Exactly. I don't have any grandkids but I have a great-nephew and two great-nieces. My sister's kids are only 12 and 14 years younger than I am--I was like an extra mom to them when they were growing up so their kids feel like grandkids to me. They love to come to Auntie Amy's house because we have different rules at my house than they have at home. As long as you're not hurting yourself or someone else--pretty much anything goes. Don't want to eat your whole dinner but want that cookie for dessert? Ok. Drinking water without a sippy cup--go for it, water cleans up easily. I buy lots of little gifts for them and so everytime I see them, they have a goody bag to open up. My niece has no problem with this--I treated her the same way when she was little. Her husband thinks I spoil them too much but my niece tells him to let it go. I would never go against something that he asked me not to do--but we make clear that you can't do things at home that you do at Auntie Amy's house. (Their grandma--my sister--is the same way.) As long as you're not hurting the kids or undermining the parents, a little spoiling doesn't matter.