Question...Attitude and disabilities.....

[lizdotcom99]

Hi, me again...last time I was here, I was asking questions about mobility stuff for my dad and the parks and now i am here on my own behalf....here is a quick history.....in 5 years I have had 7 surgeries on my ankle...just had the 7th one on Tuesday. For three years I could not walk and was on cruthes and in and out of casts and surgeries...I was really rahter bitter and somewhat evil....now I am disabled again...temporarily I am hoping and have a new lease on life....so here is my question...for those of you that are disabled, do you think your attitude good or bad changes the way people react to you? Being disabled I have had a great opportunity to change how I have treated and thought of people with disabilities in the past. I am no longer afraid to offer help to someone who may need it..disabled or not..some will take it some will not. I know I struggled with trying to be independant and not wanting help from anyone at one point in my life. Now that had changed, thank goodness and I really do believe an attitude adjustment has made all the difference. How do you deal with somebody who uses their disability to make you feel like a biggot because you do not agree with everything they say and do? Being new to being disabled, I am trying to remain positive, but some people make it very difficult. I just wanted to opinions as I knew I could get lots of info here!!!! Thanks in advance for your thoughts and opinions.

Liz

 

[autumnblue]

People are people, disAbled or not. I have a physical disAbility and I work with students with disAbilities at the college level. Although I believe that a disAbility can shape you it doesn't make you. I have some of the sweetest students and then at the same time some of the nastiest students who come through my office. Treat this person exactly the same way you would treat anyone else, don't let the disAbility sharpen or soften you opinions. React to the person, chances are they would act the same way regardless of the disability.

 

[lizdotcom99]

I think that is a great way to look at things!! Yes, indeed, people are people regardless. I was just looking back at my life and am happy that I can deal with what life has brought my way with a happy attitude!!!

 

[SueM in MN]

Originally posted by autumnblue
People are people, disAbled or not. I have a physical disAbility and I work with students with disAbilities at the college level. Although I believe that a disAbility can shape you it doesn't make you. I have some of the sweetest students and then at the same time some of the nastiest students who come through my office. Treat this person exactly the same way you would treat anyone else, don't let the disAbility sharpen or soften you opinions. React to the person, chances are they would act the same way regardless of the disability.

Very good advice.
My DD has multiple disabilities and she is non-verbal, but understands well. Some days she is not the nicest person to be around - those are the days that I know she is not feeling the best. I do know that when people treat her like she doesn't understand just because she doesn't speak, that really is not something she enjoys. She has already signed to me that I should call someone a "Turkey" because he was talking to her like a baby. She is kind of feisty and daredevil-y (if I can make up a word) and I do think she would be the same if she were not disabled. I think people's general personality is there whether they have a disability or not.

 

[Talking Hands]

I feel that this thread is a direct attack on me by the poster for my opinions on another board and some private email she sent me. I don't appreciate it at all. I am really hurt by this person. I would aprreciate this being removed form the board.

 

[tmli]

Hey Liz...I understand exactly what you mean. Before I had my ds I passed many a judgement on other parents. Example I was appalled(sp) by people who would attach their kids to leashes...when my ds came with a number of issues I attached him to a leash!!! In those early years I really had my back up, I would attack anyone who even gave us a look....I have since changed my attitude to one of informing. I explain the reason for our action to the other person...sometimes they get it, sometimes not. The important thing is I am teaching my ds (7) proper behaviour...for those that don't get it I have taught him that some people don't know any better...that way he doesn't take it personally. We don't use my sons disability as a crutch, it does not give us the right to be rude to others....nor does it give us a sense of entitlement.

I know my ds just wants to be a normal kid, and I believe all people should be treated the same. I have come across rude people, disabled and not. I do not like it when people use their disability as an excuse to behave badly.

So in conclusion (in rereading my post I kind of wandered a bit-sorry) I agree that a positive attitude will get you through most any situation.

 

[Figaro]

Hi, lizdotcom!

You asked: "for those of you that are disabled, do you think your attitude good or bad changes the way people react to you?"

When I first started the process of shifting my identity from that of an able-bodied person who was able to be completely independent to that of a person with disabilities who needed help from others, I went through a whole bunch of feelings of grief and loss. At that time (all of those years ago)(smile), I still had very clear memories of what it was like to be pain free and independent and still had hopes that the next surgery would "fix" me and I could again be the person that I was.

Having to let go of that for good was a process, as was having to learn to accept that many people in the world are going to see me as somehow "less than" because of my disability. And that most people really don't think a whole lot about people who are disabled. Not because they are terrible people, but because many people are fundamentally self-focused and really don't think about much that doesn't have any effect on their current lives(smile).

The main thing that I have noticed at WDW, is that because it is so accessible compared to many, many places, there are many more people with disabilities who come there to vacation. Those of us with disabilities are pretty used to living with people who don't have disabilities(smile), but I think it can sometimes be a shock and difficult for the majority of people who just aren't used to having so many people with disabilities around them.

I mean, heck, I've heard so many times about handicap stalls something like: "I've never ever even seen ANYONE in a wheelchair that needs to use one"(smile). Which only means that where they are is a place that is probably not all that accessible and so there is no real way for someone with a mobility disability to get there.

Last week our paper had a letter to the editor complaining about a library remodel that had lowered shelves, increased space between the shelves and ultimately meant that fewer books were going to be displayed. As the author of the letter put it: "There is never ANYONE in a wheelchair in there, so why did they have to change it when they don't use it anyway?" Of course, since my wheelchair didn't fit into the stacks, I didn't go(smile).

My spouse and I tend to avoid the Magic Kingdom for the most part. Not because we don't love that park and enjoy the rides and shows, but because it is very difficult to manage because of all of the mothers of young children there. After hour after hour of being banged into by strollers, pushed out of the way so that a mother could take her children into the handicap stall ahead of me (heck, anyone can beat me into the stall as long as it takes me to wheel in there)(smile), having the door of the handicap stall knocked on by moms with their children asking me to hurry up, getting cursed at because a child trips over my foot rests and any number of other not so nice and self-centered behaviors...well, the Magic Kingdom isn't very magical.

And it is easier for us to avoid going there, as a vacation isn't a vacation to me when people are angry and upset. My attitude or my spouse's attitude really doesn't have a whole lot to do with other people's self-centered behavior. Sort of like the people who get pushed aside after waiting for a parade by people who show up late...the people who are waiting patiently didn't cause the other peoples (ones who show up and shove their way in) self-centered behavior, which has happened to a lot of people who post on these boards.

Where my attitude does make a difference is in how I treat other people (no matter how they treat me) and how I choose to let other peoples bad behaviors effect me. I choose to be as kind as I can be to other people, do what I can to show people how much I appreciate their kindness and to leave rather than get into any kind of angry confrontations with people who are self-centered.

Re-read this and it looks like I've written a book, LOL! Well, if any of you see me at WDW, I am the blonde in the black wheelchair with a very stuffed backpack full of all kinds of medical stuff and also little boxes of Teddi Grahams, Oreos and Goldfish crackers because I love little ones (and always, always ask permission before offering any of the above to littles)(smile). And if you come over and say "Hi" to me, I will say hi back and no matter what, never, ever fight with anyone about anything, as that just isn't my style.

 

[lizdotcom99]

I appreciate everybody's insight on things. I think that it is important to learn things that I may not know or understand. I believe that there are a lot of people like myself that want to know what to do or say, but are not sure how to approach a situation or a disABILITY. Since I am going through learning what it is like to be disABLED on a very small level, I am also learning about what others deal with on a daily basis. In some cases, I do think that I have misunderstood people's "attitude". In other cases, it is beyond appearant that I totally understood that sometimes peoples attitudes just really suck!!!! Again, thank you for teaching me a few more things I have yet to learn on this journey. At times, I do wish that people would just take a moment to appreciate a small something that ALL of us have to offer!!!

 

[lizdotcom99]

We posted at the same time!!! What a great post. I think I may be now where you were not so long ago. I have just had surgery 7 on my ankle....and yes, i too hope this is the one that fixes it all. I thinkI am somewhere between hopeful and doubtful. The emotional rollar coaster has been a wild ride. I have gone through the processes of greif and loss as much has changed in my life....but I continue to be hopeful that my disABILITY will be overcome. I am trying to remain positive and hope that a good attitude will make my transition from being independant to not so independant a pleasant one!!! You and Tracy have encouraged me to try my best to keep my sunny side up!!!! Thanks for sharing and the great advice!!!

Best of Everything!!!!

Hope we can share some snacks at Disney someday!!!!!!

 

[Pam]

Where my attitude does make a difference is in how I treat other people (no matter how they treat me) and how I choose to let other peoples bad behaviors effect me. I choose to be as kind as I can be to other people, do what I can to show people how much I appreciate their kindness and to leave rather than get into any kind of angry confrontations with people who are self-centered.

Figaro - your entire post was a great one - but the above section really moved me. You sound like a very nice and caring individual! The world needs more people like you in it.

I believe that there are a lot of people like myself that want to know what to do or say, but are not sure how to approach a situation or a disABILITY.

That would be me, too. I never know what quite to say - say nothing, risk saying something stupid, etc. I do always try to be courteous and offer assistance - sometimes the person is genuinely happy, sometimes I get a gruff, "I can handle it myself" reply. I try to smile and reply that I didn't know whether help was needed or not - and that I was only trying to be polite.

 

[SueM in MN]

I feel that this thread is a direct attack on me by the poster for my opinions on another board and some private email she sent me. I don't appreciate it at all. I am really hurt by this person. I would aprreciate this being removed form the board.

If there is/was a hidden agenda to this thread, I was not aware of it. Since it is a legitimate question that does not violate any board guidelines and there are some very good insights that have been posted, it will remain open.
But, please, everyone be nice. I do not want to have to edit anything out. If there are any hidden agendas or animosities, please keep them totally out of sight. I don't want to see anything that happened on another board reflected (or mentioned) here. I want the disABILITIES Board to remain a place that is comfortable for people to visit.

 

[Mskanga]

From someone who spent 7 months between wheelchairs and crutches , and living in an apartment where nothing was accesible ( I thank God I lived in the lower level and I could go in and out the back way ) , I learned the struggles very quick. It didn't take me long to figure out that some things I could no longer do without assistance, but also I learned to modify in the way I did some things before.
I teach my children to help and respect everyone , to treat people the way they would like to be treated, I have found some me, me, me and only me type of people, but I have also encountered people who have reacted very nicely when I offered help. My dd is 7 years old, and I remember the first time when she asked me why someone was on a wheelchair because the person only had one leg. I did not shush her, and I explained to her that sometimes people are born without legs ( didn't need to go into the accidents part ) and they need a wheelchair to be their special legs to be able to move around and do things. That woman was just happy that I would not shush her and explained to her in a way that she could understand why she was in a wheelchair, Have in mind she was a couple of years younger.
So if the me me and only me people want me to ignore them, that's what I will politely do, but it will not stop me from offering help to those who are grateful for it , fortunately there are far more nice people.

 

[lizdotcom99]

So if the me me and only me people want me to ignore them, that's what I will politely do, but it will not stop me from offering help to those who are grateful for it , fortunately there are far more nice people. [/B]

I could not agree with you more!!!

 

[Figaro]

The last time we were at WDW a complete and total stranger came up to me and asked me why I was in my wheelchair, how long had I been in the wheelchair, how old was I and did my spouse and I still have sex???!!! Some people just don't have a clue(smile). And I honestly don't think my attitude had anything to do with this person asking me inappropriate questions(smile)...that was all her and not me.

Whether or not I answer any adult or volunteer information depends quite a bit on the situation, how well I know the person and to be honest, what kind of pain I am in at the moment because I have a great deal less energy to deal with questions when I am hurting. I always answer little kids questions, but don't go into any more detail than "my legs don't work very well." Mostly because I don't know that child's situation and don't want to give them information that might confuse or even frighten them.

As for helping people with doors, chairs or other things...well my spouse offers because it is the right thing to do and doesn't take it personally if someone tells him no. So, if you offer because of that reason then it really won't bother you if the other person isn't appreciative and you know that your attitudes had nothing to do with how the other person responded...it is just them and not you(smile).

That's part of the advantage of having fairly low expectations...if someone is appreciative it is the cherry on the cake, as that isn't why my spouse offered. If they aren't appreciative he knows that he offered not for the gratitude but to be decent.

And I have no idea if any of that makes any sense, LOL but it is the best I can do on a busy Sunday morning when we are leaving for out of town in a few minutes(smile).

 

[Mskanga]

Actually Figaro it makes perfect sense, I never ask for any information because some people are not comfortable sharing that, and I figure if they want to offer information I think they will do it. In children's cases you can never stop their inquisitive minds , but you cannot give them all the details for the reasons you stated, you don't want to frighten them.
But you are absolutely right , holding doors and offering help is the decent thing to do, not only for disabled people, but it's also courtesy for everyone, the only difference is that sometimes body abled people seem to take that for granted.

 

[lilboo]

Figaro, I agree with Pam...the world does need more people like you. Thank you and everyone for the insights.

And liz, honestly, if you hadn't mentioned being on crutches I would NEVER have guessed you were disabled (especially after some of the SPIRITED virtual dancing you exhibited elsewhere)...if you're not feeling very positive you could've fooled me.

 

[mamajoan]

Hi....

for me it has been quite a transition... from being A/B.. ablebodied to being disAabled.....it happened suddenly and without warning. The only choice to be made was could I accept my status change with grace. It took some time but it happened.

prior to my auto accident I was a practicing PTA.. so I was accustomed to being The Helper.. not the Helpee......
I have learned to utilize my knowledge of rehab and disabilities in a new manner. I also have learned to accept the help of others knowing that life is all about compromise.

I use a w/c when I am out of the house... in the home I am able to hobble about.. have not fallen for a whole month now!! Yay!!
My situation will not be improving. Sometimes I feel as if I disappoint those who often ask "So, you will be getting better and out of the w/c soon right?"
I don't try to explain the why's and wherefores... I just find it easier to say "No, this is it, Thank you for your advice but I am going to stick with my doctors routine"

I have to say that most people in this world are kind and helpful.
There are those that are ignorant to the needs of others.. sometimes just explaining the nature of disease, assistive devices, parking spaces and bathroom fixtures helps someone to know how to handle situations in the best manner.
Curiosity from adults and children is easily managed with direct answers.
Would I answer ? from a stranger about my sex life if I was A/B???
NO WAY!! Nor would I ASK those ?'s! LOL
However I do suggest a reply when ? about sex...... " Fabulous dear.... truly orgasmic!!!" and a "How's about you?"


I have my pet peeves regarding accessiblitity issues... especially parking! LOL......... oh lordy I just had it out with a lady at Target yesterday!! LOL

People are people regardless if they are A/B or not...... some of the nastiest/nicest people in the world are disAbled..... some are A/B...
should they be treated differently due to their ability issues.. NOPE...
Sometimes people have a chip on their shoulder.. it may be due to their disability, it may be due to something else. We are not required to feed into their discontent.

Life is to live....and we should expect to live it to the best of our ability!
Roll on!!

 

[lizdotcom99]

Thanks for sharing!! Love the orgasmic part!!!

 

[Figaro]

"However I do suggest a reply when ? about sex...... " Fabulous dear.... truly orgasmic!!!" and a "How's about you?""

LOL, mamajoan! I just smile and don't answer. And that particular woman got kind of huffy and said something like: "Well, you never know, I might be in a wheelchair someday too!" To which I said nothing but my spouse said afterwards, "she sure will be if she keeps asking those kinds of questions of total strangers!"(smile)

I try hard not to judge what can appear to me to be other people's crabby behavior. I don't know if they just found out they have a terminal disease, or if they are in a boatload of pain or whatever else is going on in their lives. Doesn't mean that I hang around to be someone elses emotional punching bag, but I've found that assuming that the other person isn't intentionally trying to be a real monster usually works best for me(smile).

Oh, and thanks for the compliments(smile), but I am just a pretty ordinary person. I think the positive attitude is something I was born with, not worked to get, so I can't really claim that I've done anything special.

 

[mamajoan]

Sexuality and the disabled is a topic not often discussed.

Maybe we should be happy to know that people actually realize that we do have sex! YAY!!! ain't life grand?!!

I think the Golden Rule should be taught on all levels....

.......Treat others as you wish to be treated..........

Just think how lovely life would be if we could instill that into kids from pre-k on!! You know they teach Keanu Reeves movies at the college level. I think a course on Common Compassion would be a great college requirement.