Question about parent child relationships as they become adults

[disykat]

I was scrolling through some forums online and saw the line "the parent is always in charge of making sure the relationship is working." I agree with this when they are kids. However, my question is does that switch when they are adults?

My DH and I felt strongly that the dynamic on that starts to change gradually as they become adults, become financially independent, form other relationships that are now their primary relationships, etc. We had really bad boundary issues with DH's parents and so that even further cemented our feelings that our adult children now get to be "in charge" of how their relationship with us works now that they are adults. We invite, we keep them in the loop, we let them know we want them to be part of our lives, but we don't push. We've also set the example our entire lives by continuing to be involved with all of our own parents, even when things were quite difficult, and prioritizing maintaining good relationships with them and helping them as they aged.

We're at about 50/50 with "how's that working for us?" in terms of having a healthy and close relationship with our adult children. My parents, who had a similar hands off, letting their adult kids make their own choices approach, were at 2 out of 3. My DH's parents, who squashed every possible boundary, kept strong relationships with both of their children, but it was really hard on both their children's marriages.

So, what are your thoughts? I guess I'm not looking for advice on or expounding on my own particular situation, but interested to know how you've handled watching your kids grow up and create their own lives. What are your thoughts? Who takes the lead in deciding how the parent/child relationship functions once the kids are adults?

 

[sasywtch]

I think I'm confused as my kids when they moved out of the house as adults started making their own decisions. I don't know if you're referring to parents doing a guilt trip or go with the flow? I will give an example. Our family use to go to my mom's for every birthday (whether kid or adult) and holidays. As far as I know, everyone loved it. My kids played with their cousins. Everybody says they miss it, so guessing they liked it. My oldest DS marries my DIL. She comes from a family with no relatives in this state. Every holiday they went somewhere, never any birthday parties, etc. So, needless to say, we were odd to her. My son had to make concessions and as a MIL, I had to butt out. 3 years ago, they went to DL during Christmas. That was the first year that I've had a Christmas with no little kids. (they have all three of my grandkids). I didn't throw a fit, we had turkey with the 3 remaining adult kids/sig others and a few days after they got back, my son brought them over for tacos and opening up their gifts. We've had the "we are taking the kids to xyz for their birthday, if you want to drop a gift off at the house, we will be home at xxx time ". 80% of the time, holidays were together but the 20%, suck it up and realize they want to do things a little different. Tonight, my oldest grandson turned 18 and my son had a party with us at his house (him and DIL are seperated). DIL was there for a few minutes. We did tacos where we all brought something, he bought the ice cream cake. My kids were brought up that family is extremely important and even more so now that their dad (my ex) passed away at 67 unexpectedly in September. My granddaughter is turning 13 this year and mentioned tonight she is going roller skating with friends so I have no idea if we are doing cake or drop off a present. I've learned to go with the flow.

 

[disykat]

It sounds like you do as we do. There are no command performances demanded by us, the kids effectively decide when/if they want to see us. They are now "in charge" of the relationship they want with us.

However, the quote I started with was basically saying it is always up to the parent to create the relationship. I was curious what others do as their kids go off and start their own lives because I would say it almost totally switches when they are adults.

 

[DisneyOma]

Well, I think relationships are a two way street, so the parent can do one thing and the adult offspring can do something else, and they both have to figure out how/if it works. I mean, if the adult offspring doesn't live at home with the parents, they can choose to come over or not, can't they? They can say yes or no to invitations, (or demands if the parent is that controlling) etc.

One of my daughters lives halfway across the country from us. Her family has an open invitation to come visit anytime - this is our family home, and they are family. They invite us to come down and visit too, and if I asked to go down at any time, I know they'd say yes.

 

[amcnj]

I try to avoid pushing. I know adults who resented “forced” contact and rules such as having to call every Saturday or be there every week for Sunday dinner. My children know they are always welcome. They know we support them and will be there for them when needed. We can try and make plans, and if they say yes, great, if no, maybe next time.

I guess it helps that thus far I have never gotten the vibe that we are being frozen out of their lives. That would be harder to deal with.

If they choose to do things differently now as adults, we have to accept it. They have to establish their own traditions, especially as significant others/spouses enter the picture and thus the opinions and preferences of others have to be considered.

Sometimes we may still travel together, most times they are doing their own thing. Some holidays/occasions we are together again, others we are not, or celebrate on an alternate day.

One child lives on the opposite coast, since August 2016, so we don’t see them often. They set the pattern more than we do I guess, more often doing the traveling thus far. Though Covid kind of muddied the waters and didn’t allow a true pattern of any kind to develop/continue.

I always figure their relationships with friends and significant others/spouses are in the long run going to be more and more important, as they will hopefully outlast us.

Overall I think it is a two way street. Each side trying to make plans or extend invites and then it is up to the other party to decide if that works for them too. I haven’t felt that it is totally on me to create the relationship.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

Well, I think relationships are a two way street, so the parent can do one thing and the adult offspring can do something else, and they both have to figure out how/if it works. I mean, if the adult offspring doesn't live at home with the parents, they can choose to come over or not, can't they? They can say yes or no to invitations, (or demands if the parent is that controlling) etc.

One of my daughters lives halfway across the country from us. Her family has an open invitation to come visit anytime - this is our family home, and they are family. They invite us to come down and visit too, and if I asked to go down at any time, I know they'd say yes.

We're that way with DD#2 (in Cali). I could call her this morning, say I'm on the way to the airport to come stay for a month, and she'd be all "let me make up the spare bed with clean sheets; are we hitting Target on the way home from the airport?" LOL We are closer to her spouse than we are our other SoIL, so he's fine with that dynamic. She likes spending time with us; we message back and forth usually daily; and talk/video chat every few days. She shares a lot of her life with us.

DS still lives at home, so even though he's 19 and technically an adult, our dynamic is still that of parent-child, at least a little bit. We are trying to give him the freedom and respect as an adult, but there are some things in the situation that need us to still be mom and dad authority figures for now. He keeps most of his life to himself, but his life was delayed for a few years, so he's just now doing things that kids usually do when they are 15-16 years old; we just keep telling ourselves he may be 19 in age, but emotionally/mentally, he's still 16.

DD#1 (in Nebraska) and I have a more strained relationship, due to things that were out of our control, when she was growing up. We've had to learn how to be adult parent and child. If we were to want to visit (like this last time, right after Christmas last year), I would need to give her advance notice, and plan for a hotel room and rental car. We try to talk/message/video chat every week, to keep working on that bond.

Regardless of which child we are talking about, our door is always open. If they need a place to live, if they want to come visit, we are here for them. If they need financial help, if we can, we will. If they want to do holidays with us, or have us babysit the grandkids so they can go on vacation, we're all in. We let them lead the relationship; we don't want to be pushy or overly-involved, and I think they appreciate that.

I think the adult parent-child relationship depends on a lot of things, including how things were in the childhood; where both parties live; mental and physical health on both sides; etc.

 

[holden]

I'm finding as DD20 gets older that the less I push/butt in/bother her, the more she reaches out to me. She's living in the town where she goes to college about 40 minutes from us. It's so nice to see her forming her own life separate from us.

 

[Moliphino]

Sometimes siblings will step in and guilt trip each other about their relationships with their parents, too.

 

[soccerdad72]

I suppose it depends on the age of the adult children and their stage in life. I have one son who's 22 and one who is a few months from being 18, so I guess I nearly have two adult children, but since both of them are still dependents of ours, we have a lot more say over what they're doing with their lives right now. Once my older son graduates (he's in a 5-year program, so he still has a year and a half), we'll give advice, but ultimately, any decisions he makes are his own.

 

[tzolkin]

However, the quote I started with was basically saying it is always up to the parent to create the relationship. I was curious what others do as their kids go off and start their own lives because I would say it almost totally switches when they are adults.

I guess I would have to read the context of the quote, but I think based on your post (quoted below) that you as the parents did create the relationship and are continually working to foster it. It's not necessarily the parents' sole responsibility for the continued functioning of the relationship, but I think it's their responsibility to create/initiate a healthy relationship with their adult children (and any potential spouses).

We invite, we keep them in the loop, we let them know we want them to be part of our lives, but we don't push. We've also set the example our entire lives by continuing to be involved with all of our own parents, even when things were quite difficult, and prioritizing maintaining good relationships with them and helping them as they aged.

There has to be a shift at some point from parent/child to adult/adult. When parents have been the ones in the authority position of having certain rights and responsibilities toward their children for nearly two decades, I think it's unfair to expect that the child would have the ability to change the dynamic on their own. To me, it's the parents' responsibility to relinquish their parental authority and initiate a new type of relationship with their now adult child.

I have experienced the challenge of being the child trying to create healthy relationships with our parents despite their best efforts to have dysfunctional ones and it is exhausting and nearly impossible from the child's end. My parents have no boundaries, use manipulation and guilt, etc. From their perspective if you do not "need" them (like how a child relies on their parents for food/shelter/etc), then they are not satisfied. We are now at the stage where their behavior is impacting their relationships with their grandchildren as well. My mother will lament the fact that she does not have much of a relationship with my grown kids and I have told her quite directly that it's her responsibility to work to foster that. There is only so much the kids can do when the parent is still clinging to their role as parent/child instead of allowing a healthy adult/adult relationship to grow.

It was a similar thing with my mother-in-law many years ago. She never liked me and was just awful. When my husband tried to discuss the subject with her (probably a decade into our marriage), she claimed that it was because she "didn't really know me" and that was my fault because I didn't try hard enough to be her friend or have a relationship with her (despite that I spent countless hours with her when she would visit for weeks at a time, I cared for her for months in our home after she had surgery, etc). He told her that it was her responsibility as the parent to try to have a relationship with me. At the time, I wasn't sure if that was true but as I have gotten older I can definitely see it. Obviously, the responsibility doesn't fall completely on the parent to maintain the relationship, but I do think that it's their place to make the initial attempt to foster it. In our particular case, my MIL is a woman who prides herself on being tough, intimidating, and can hold a grudge for eternity. My husband told her, "you know how scary you come across to people. How terrifying do you think it was for an 18 year old girl (me) to try to initiate a relationship with you while you were being purposefully mean and rude?"

My husband has a similar tendency to come across as intimidating, so he has to make a deliberate effort to create an environment that will encourage a healthy relationship, especially with our kids' significant others. Yes, they are adults but there is still a power dynamic to the relationship that we believe makes it our responsibility to help it get off on the right foot, not theirs. For example, we have to choose to make the effort to welcome and initiate conversation with a new boyfriend. Meeting the parents is uncomfortable enough for a young adult; there's really no point making it more difficult by adopting a "threatening dad with a shotgun on the front porch" persona.

 

[DLgal]

Where did you read that quote? It's terrible.

Once kids are adults, they get to dictate pretty much every aspect of their lives, including their relationship with their parents. The parents, similarly, get to choose what kind of relationship they want to have with their kids. It goes both ways.

Nothing good comes out of relationships built on guilt, coercion or obligation.

If the relationship is a good one, there will be mutual effort and a desire to spend time together without expectations on either side.

 

[rigs32]

My in laws are a large family that likes to get together. It really bothers me to hear them talk poorly about family members who choose to visit other family or in laws. You're not going to breed healthy relationships by demanding they ignore others who are also family!

 

[_19disnA]

People post all sorts of opinions on various forums, doesn't mean you have to agree with it or that it is even good advice. I know of various friends who have overly controlling parents who don't see there is any problem in how they are handling things. As the children got older, they tend to have less interaction with their parents and then the parents wonder why and can't see they are the cause of these problems.

If you are talking about the relationship between the parents and children is a different situation to me from the parents tring to dictate who their children are friends with as this could be either situation. I think parents in general should understand once their children become adults and perhaps start their own family, they need to recognize they don't get to dictate how others run their life. Everyone can certainly have their own opinions on various family situations, but that doesn't mean they should go around imposing their views on others.

 

[disykat]

Where did you read that quote? It's terrible.

Once kids are adults, they get to dictate pretty much every aspect of their lives, including their relationship with their parents. The parents, similarly, get to choose what kind of relationship they want to have with their kids. It goes both ways.

Nothing good comes out of relationships built on guilt, coercion or obligation.

If the relationship is a good one, there will be mutual effort and a desire to spend time together without expectations on either side.

I don't even remember. I'm certainly not seeing it as gospel or anything, it just springboarded some thoughts. I agree with everything you said. My feeling is that the parent does set the tone, certainly, during childhood, but then the parent gradually lets go so the child makes their own way as they become an adult.

 

[tzolkin]

Where did you read that quote? It's terrible.

Once kids are adults, they get to dictate pretty much every aspect of their lives, including their relationship with their parents. The parents, similarly, get to choose what kind of relationship they want to have with their kids. It goes both ways.

Nothing good comes out of relationships built on guilt, coercion or obligation.

I think parents in general should understand once their children become adults and perhaps start their own family, they need to recognize they don't get to dictate how others run their life. Everyone can certainly have their own opinions on various family situations, but that doesn't mean they should go around imposing their views on others.

I guess we must be reading it completely differently. To me, it being the parent's responsibility to foster a healthy relationship with their adult child is the exact opposite of what you are describing.

Being controlling, dictating what others do, etc. is exactly what would cause you to have a bad relationship with your adult child. So, wouldn't that support the statement that it is the parent's fault in that situation that the relationship is not working? (And, therefore, it's their responsibility to change their behavior to make the relationship work better)

 

[_19disnA]

The problem tends to be in the example I cited of actual people I know (not some hypothetical forum example) that the parents don't see they are the problem by being overly controlling. They tend to think the world would be this wonderful/amazing place if their children just did everything their way and how they told them to do things. As the children became adults, they resented their overly controlling parents and have tended to drift apart.

 

[DLgal]

I guess we must be reading it completely differently. To me, it being the parent's responsibility to foster a healthy relationship with their adult child is the exact opposite of what you are describing.

Being controlling, dictating what others do, etc. is exactly what would cause you to have a bad relationship with your adult child. So, wouldn't that support the statement that it is the parent's fault in that situation that the relationship is not working? (And, therefore, it's their responsibility to change their behavior to make the relationship work better)

The problem with your interpretation is that it's one sided. The quote says it is ALWAYS the parents responsibility to make sure the relationship is working. What if it's not working, at the fault of the child. At that point, what can the parent realistically do that would not be an attempt to control or manipulate?

 

[nw6675]

***sidebar**** I just got a notification that @disykat had responded to my comment on this topic - which I haven't made one on this thread. it links to the response to DLGal. Weird. Anyways, just sharing

 

[notatallmagic]

I remember wondering how things would go when my oldest left for out of state university two years ago. Her one coach speculated that "she will never make it" since we were/are pretty close. Two years in, she is doing very well academically and personally. She's made a great group of friends, and enjoys a wide range of interests and activities. She could, but doesn't come home during the school year except at Christmas and Spring Break; I go up once/twice a semester for the big athletic/musical events. I also don't typically call her unless there's a pressing issue - but she does call me for a few minutes most days.

She told me that it's a priority for her to be close to me and her brother. I've let her dictate the frequency of our communication, and am really blessed to find that for now at least, she seems to enjoy our relationship. She won't likely be coming home after this summer, and plans to live out of state (Florida) after graduation. She did ask if I could find cheap fares and fly down at least every couple of months . Hoping out of state Annual Passes are available by then!

My 17 year old son told me last year that "he's not mature enough" to live at college (he also has some neuro/atypical issues that incline me to agree) the first two years. He's already drawn up his "contract" for living at home for the first two years, and plans to commute and live in the area. He's a homebody - but makes friends easily and has a great circle of folks. We already "negotiate" lots of his decisions - he offers what he believes to be reasonable, and we talk it through. Every kid is different, but we seem to have a pretty close little family, and for now, they like spending time together.

 

[mrodgers]

People post all sorts of opinions on various forums, doesn't mean you have to agree with it or that it is even good advice. I know of various friends who have overly controlling parents who don't see there is any problem in how they are handling things. As the children got older, they tend to have less interaction with their parents and then the parents wonder why and can't see they are the cause of these problems.

If you are talking about the relationship between the parents and children is a different situation to me from the parents tring to dictate who their children are friends with as this could be either situation. I think parents in general should understand once their children become adults and perhaps start their own family, they need to recognize they don't get to dictate how others run their life. Everyone can certainly have their own opinions on various family situations, but that doesn't mean they should go around imposing their views on others.

You describe my relationship with my mother. Only contact she ever had was calling me every 6 months to complain (I would use a different word outside of the DIS) that I never call her. And here I'm thinking, well you haven't called either other than to call me out on not calling you.

Her loss. Her attitude has her where my youngest doesn't even know her. She hasn't seen them since my oldest's 3rd birthday when she got mad that a 3 year old didn't wait the 3 hours to open her gifts that grandma was late because she got lost from a closed bridge and no one could get a hold of her because "cell phones are ridiculous, why does everyone need one." The infant grandchild that she did finally see that day when she arrive, she hasn't seen since other than my attempt to have her for her 15th birthday at my mother's house where she tried to be the controlling mother she was with me and my brother instead of a grandmother while the future ex wife circled the house texting every 5 minutes, "are you ready, I'm waiting to pick you up."