Question About "Dating" Your SO's Parents

[Mickey76]

Hey, everyone, I was hoping that you could help me out, since I consider you to be "family."

I've been dating a woman for a few months now and we have a great relationship. So great that we've started to talk about going on a Disney Cruise next summer. I've never been on a DC, let alone any other cruise, and I thought it would be a romantic vacation for the two of us. There's just one minor problem- my girlfriend's parents.
Her parents are great and i love them to death. They also like me, too. However, they've been adamant about not allowing us to go on a trip alone. They're very conservative and believe that until we are married, we should not be taking any trips together.
Her parents are about to book a family cruise for next summer and my girlfriend has told her parents that they either let me go on the trip with them, or we are taking a cruise by ourselves. I don't want to get caught up in the middle of it, but I know I will. I asked her mom if we could possibly discuss the possibilities of the two of us taking a trip alone when spring comes and she said that she would be willing to discuss the situation.

I'm 27 and my girlfriend is 23. I didn't think that I would have to encounter a situation like this until I had kids of my own. I don't want to be on her parents bad side, nor do I want my girlfriend to think that I'm not going to take her side because I'm afraid of her parents disliking me. Like I said, my relationship with her parents is great and I don't want to ruin that, but I want to be able to take a vacation with the person I care about without supervision.

What would you do or what have you done in similar situations?


I appreciate any and all advice you can give me. Thanks.

Mickey76

 

[ChiTownZee]

What's your girlfriend say about this? I mean, she wants to go, right? And if someone HAS to talk with her mother about the trip it should be HER, not you, but even so, I can't imagine her parents "not allowing" their 23 year old daughter to do anything.

 

[dianeschlicht]

Kind of depends on how mature your GF is for her age. I was married and had a child by the time I was 23, but if she is still living at home and more under her parent's control, then I would have to go along with the parents on this one. Our rule was, if you live under our roof, you are not independant. Our 28 YO DS and his 25 YO SO traveled to WDW with us last month. They had their own room. It was okey with us, but they are living together, and are not under our roof, so are independant.

 

[padams]

DH and I were about your age when we were dating and took a trip unchaperoned. My parents would have had the same reaction as you SO's parents so I just didn't tell my parents that I went away with DH for a long weekend. I felt that I was an adult and could decide my own travel plans but just didn't want to deal with my parents' reaction. Of course, they couldn't stop me from going, but I would have had to hear about "the issue" from DM for a long time afterwards. DM is still upset the I quit paying rent for my apt. and moved my possessions to DH's house 10 days before the wedding.

Because SO's parents already know about the cruise and she lives at home (I was living 800 miles from my parents at the time), I don't see how you can change their opinion easily.

I think you need to think about doing the family cruise. Having been on the Disney cruise earlier this year, I think you and SO would find plenty of time and places to be "alone"- as much as you can be alone on a ship with thousands of other passengers. I hate to see you jeopardize your relationship with people who might possibly be in your life FOREVER. Trust me, you don't want to alienate them this early in the relationship if you are interested in continuing this relationship. Good luck!

 

[Mickey76]

My girlfriend is very mature for her age. She was going to move out (yes, she still lives with her parents). She had a chance of getting a very nice townhouse not too far from her parents, but her parents wouldn't sign off on the mortgage. They believe that she should live with them until the day she's married.
She has spoken to her parents about us going on vacation together, and their reply is, "No." The good thing is is that her parents trust me far more than they have ever trusted any of her other boyfriends, so that's a plus. I just don't want to say something that is going to make them think less of me, but I guess that's a risk I have to take. I just want to assure them that she is safe with me and I'm not going to harm her or take her for granted.

Mickey76

 

[jamsmom]

I am over 30 and if I lived under my parents roof, they would not allow me to go on a trip unmarried. There reply would be "If you
go, your bags will be packed when you get back."

I think it is time that she get her own place somehow if she can afford it. Until then, I am sure it will be almost her parents way or the highway. Do I agree with this? No, because one day it may just push her to want out of their lives.

I would hope they will come around and include you on the crusie.

 

[DMickey28]

My parents didn't "let" me go on an unsupervised vacation when I was 23. I had been dating the guy for about 7 months. My parents sound very much like your girlfriends except they let me move out. My father especially is very conservative. Fast Forward to this year... I was 24. I met my bf in August, Online, Daddy didn't like that! By March we went on a cruise together and this summer we moved in together. My father told him the past weekend that from the moment they met him they loved him and felt he was truly the man for their little girl. I think that it depends on the situation...my dad would never stand for living together before marriage nevermind before a ring was exchanged... bf made i clear that marriage is his intentions...we are actually moving from MA to Indy together before the marriage and dad encourages this. point being I think that when the parents are comfretable the are more forgiving of previously held idea's. My other feeling is that if you think this could be more serious I would hold off and go along with the parents because the future could be miserable if this is soured... my bf and i never would have done any of our things if my parents had put their foot down, it's not worth it in the long haul. we would have all those chances once we were married...

 

[MICKEY88]

As a Daddy of a soon to be 22 year old, I assure you that you will gain a lot of repect by honoring the parents wishes..you shouldn't get in the middle of something between her and her parents, it's a no win situation..if she's 23 she can fight her own battles..

show the parents you respect their daughter and their beliefs, and your longterm prospects for a good relationship with them are greatly increased, push the issue of a seperate cruise and they will see you as someone coming between them and their daughter..someone influencing her in a negative way...

let her push for you to go along with them..that will give time to bond with the parents and show that you are worthy of daddy's little girl

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think you should respect her parents wishes. If she does not like the rules she can move out on her own. I would not put myself in the middle of this, esp since you already know they are "dead set" against it. I see it as you are just setting yourself up for a 'fall'.

Better to go with option #2 & hope for the best. I wouldn't push it however.

(BTW, I moved out of my parents home & moved in with my BF at 21) We will be celebrating our 13th anniversary in Dec.

Good Luck

 

[RUDisney]

I hear sirens. This sounds just like my MIL when DH and I went on our first... and subsequent vacations together. She liked me then, too. Before I married him, I was perfect. On the day we married, I became her arch-nemesis because I stole her DS from her.

She masked everything behind the religious curtain, too, and talked about him being disrespectful to her wishes. At least he had the guts to tune her out and go along with me. We traveled all over before... and after we were married.

The bottom line of what was really going on was that she wants to control her kids and their lives. She never travelled, so she doesn't see why they should either. She is miserable... they should be, too.

The fact that they won't "let" her move out of their house puts flashing red lights with those sirens.

You need to do some thinking about the situation and she needs to do some growing up. Will they "let" her go on vacation with her girlfriends? Does she have a curfew?

I started travelling alone when I was 19... and that was to Europe with one of my friends. It was scary for me sometimes because I was used to my Dad guiding us around and I had to figure things out for myself. It was scary for my parents to let me go because I was their little girl. BUT, the big difference, from what it sounds like, between my parents and your DGF's is that my parents raised me to be independent. Sounds like your potential future ILs could be wanting to pull you into their dependency, too.

Think about this, and then follow what you think is right.

 

[kidzmom3]

Am I wrong, but did not the poster state that she wanted to buy a town house and her parents would not co-sign a mortgage? That is quite different than not allowing their daughter to move out. In my personal opinion, if you cannot get the mortgage on your own, you should not be buying property (even a townhouse). I was married 4 years before we could buy.

 

[disykat]

First of all let me just say that it is silly to say that they "don't let" her move out because they won't sign a mortgage for her! She can move out and rent until she has sufficient money to buy without their help. She is "letting" them not let her.

This is not about vacations IMO. It is against my religious beliefs as well. However, it's not my business - nor is it really her parents once she lives on her own. The problem here is that she is not willing to assert her independence. Sure, it's nice to have your inlaws approve of your decisions - but it's not really about that. If you marry it will be about your SO being willing to make decisions jointly with you without letting her family control them.

Her parents don't have to invite you on their vacation if they don't want to. If I were you, I certainly wouldn't want to go under those circumstances! I think your girlfriend is putting you in the middle of a fight she needs to have with her family - seperate from the issue of you.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but my DH has issues with asserting himself around his parents. This is not about the inlaws being unreasonable - it is about the way your SO deals with it IMO.

edited to add - I see I was posting at the same time as kidsmom about the mortgage!

 

[Disney Ella]

If you want to stay in her parents' good graces, you have to follow their rules it seems. If your girlfriend can't get a mortgage without her parents' signature, can she at least get an apartment? Does she have a job? I would worry about parents trying to control a 23-year-old's life so much. If you ever get married, mommy and daddy could very well be more a part of your life than you planned on. If she moves out now, she could start asserting her independence and hopefully her parents would get used to the idea that she is an adult fully capable of making good decisions and is entitled to live the kind of life she wants, not the kind of life they want.

 

[dennis99ss]

If she needs mom and dads permission at 23 to go on a trip with you, and does not want to stand up to them and tell them that she will live her own life, I would bet that, in the future, it will not change. Sounds like a relationship between 4 people, instead of 2, with mom and dad being the controllers.

 

[CRB#33]

First of all, I would like to applaud your respect and consideration of your girlfriend and her parents. What a find this girl has that you respect her and her parents that much to be this concerned about the choices you make.

Many people your age would just say, "Hey, we're grown adults, we can do what we want." I commend you for seriously considering your girlfriend's parent's feelings.

It's also smart of you to recognize that even if you let your GF make the decisions she wants...after all she is a grown adult and should be making her own choices...you will be caught in the middle and maybe even made to blame for an unpoplular decision, in the long run.

I personally think that her parents have to let her go to a certain extent. They've done the best they could and it's up to her now to make a life of her own and her own choices. They may not like them, but as a parent we need to raise our children to go out and live their own lives, not the ones we want them to. It would be nice if they were agreeable to each other, but it doesn't usually work out that way.

All that being said, she does still live under their roof and to a certain extent, she must be held to their rules. Is she paying room and board? Food expenses? Her own contents insurance? If she wants to be independent from their "rule" she must try to do that in every aspect of her life. It's only after she's done that and shown that she can succeed and be happy, that her parents may let her go a bit.

A complicated decision, but it does come down to whether or not you wish to continue this good relationship with them. Good luck and again, I hope my DD meets someone with your level of respect.

 

[goofygirl]

Your both adults, you should do whatever you want.

Her parents have to get with reality. They can't possibly believe that you and her are just simply holding hands and doing nothing else when you are alone together. Unless they are in real denial.

 

[FreshTressa]

Yah, I don't think a one time trip is worth risking the relationship with people that may one day be your in-laws and the grandparents of your kids.

There will be plenty of time in your life to take vacations in the future with whoever it is that will become your wife.

While I don't agree with the parents stance, you can't change that. And even if you do get them to reluctantly agree, you will have lost some measure of their respect.

Much more important to have their respect than a trip with SO.

 

[kidzmom3]

I honestly do not mean any disrespect to the poster. Yes they are both adults. But she has chosen to live with her parents (for whatever reason, I don't know her reasons). By making that choice she has forfeited some control over her own life. If she disregards their wishes, it could have negative consequences for all of you. I agree with another poster, its not about his relationship with her parents, its about hers. Wether or not the parents believe they are chaste or not (wether they are or not, we don't know and I don't want to know), is not the issue. The issue as I see it is this: One person lives under the roof and protection of their parents. The parents have rules. The person can either abide the rules or move into their own home. Then they can have their own rules.

 

[MICKEY88]

I agree with CRB#33, I think it's good that you respect the parents...

being an adult doesn't mean doing whatever you want at the expense of other peoples feelings, it involves seeing things from both sides and making a good sound decision that if possible leaves everyone happy..

I for one will not judge the parents as controlling without all the facts, protective perhaps....let's see the whole picture, she didn't move out because they wouldn't co-sign for a mortgage..I don't think that shows control on their part anymore than it shows a readiness for independence on her part, if she really wanted to be on her own she could rent, perhaps the parents are seeing a lack of maturity and independence that we are not seeing...


perhaps they see this vacation as their last chance to vacation with her......

if you think this could be a lifetime relationship/marriage..why take this one away from her parents...you have a whole lifetime to spend together,,parents unfortunately don't last forever.....

 

[kidzmom3]

I would also wonder, as a parent, if they are worried that she would not be able to afford a Disney Cruise and therefore let down some of her other obligations (i certainly don't know if thats the case, just something my own parents said to me once)