Question about adoption outside of U.S.

[phillybeth]

I agree 100%!! It's just a pet peeve of mine when people say it takes some outrageous number of years to adopt in the US, because it doesn't.

Maybe it doesn't where you live, or with your agency. But I know people who have waited more than 24 months for a referral once the paperwork was completed, and not necessarily for a caucasian newborn either.
Personally, I can't imagine the heartbreak of thinking a child is mine, then having the birth mother back out or change her mind. That is why if we adopt we will adopt internationally.

 

[skoi]

Our story: We did a great deal of research on adoption, both domestic and international, before we made our decision. We also talked to a lot of people, especially those who had some expertise in child care, education, and diversity issues. My husband is a social worker, and works in a large city agency, which on the whole is staffed by a very diverse, liberal group of people. Many of them discouraged us from adopting an African-American or biracial child-- some actively-- coming out and telling us not to do it because we weren't equipped to raise a child with African-American heritage, others passively, pointing out all the problems we'd have as a White family with a non-White child. Only a few of his co-workers had a positive response. This reception-- from chilly to outright hostile-- factored into our decision to adopt internationally.

We decided on China for a variety of reasons--we felt comfortable with the agency we're with, we support the work they're doing in China with abandoned, non-adoptable children, there's a great need among the girls in China for homes, and when we received her medical report and photos-- we knew she was the baby for us before we petitioned the government to adopt her.

Strange thing is, my husband's co-workers who were so adamently opposed to us adopting transracially here in the US are very enthusiastic about our China adoption.

 

[GEM]

I guess that's what confuses me. If they are against you raising a child from another race, then why wouldn't that apply to a Chinese child as well?

 

[laurie31]

I guess that's what confuses me. If they are against you raising a child from another race, then why wouldn't that apply to a Chinese child as well?

I thought this too. They weren't "equipped" to raise an African-American baby, but they are fine for a Chinese baby? (I'm sure they would make great parents to ANY baby, I'm just wondering how it's different).

BTW, I didn't mention this earlier, but I think many (not ALL) social workers have unrealistic expectations about those things. Some agencies will not place children with parents who are not the same race as the child. Several kids I've looked at on photolistings say you must be experienced with kids who have developmental delays, or experienced with this or that. Parents of bio kids with these issues don't get experience first. It's very OTJ training, so to speak. I know they want the best placement for the child, but sometimes I think the limitations are too severe.

I'd be interested to know what they think one needs to be "equipped" to raise a baby of a different race? Also, reactions like skio described are not uncommon and even if the couple is ready and willing to adopt a child of any race, if the community is not, the child will suffer for it This is an unspoken reason why some couples choose a child of their own race.

Laurie

 

[skoi]

GEM and laurie 31--

Some of the comments made to us, by people we socialize with in and out of my husband's job- were very clear-- we weren't equipped to raise an African-American child because we were White. The people who said those things are quite friendly with my husband (including his boss) and they would say, "well, we know you don't mean it, but you're being racist and showing your ignorance about racial matters if you think you can raise an African America child as White parents." It really put us off, because these are people we associate with, these are educated people, many of whom attend church and are involved in the community, to whom we'd turn to when we had racial issues, but they were saying, don't do it, it'll be bad for the child. Some people were downright hostile about it. There were times I felt guilty that I had thought about it-- like I would be doing something horribly insensitive and racist and I would indeed, screw the child up emotionally.

The underlying problem, IMHO, is that different people have different perceptions about race, and the people advising us against African-American transracial adoption didn't see too much of a biological or cultural difference between us and an internationally adopted Asian child, but saw a huge gap between us and a domestically adopted, African-American child. And of course, we know people who would oppose any transracial adoption, as well as people who wouldn't have a problem with any kind.

Okay, I'm putting on my asbestos suit now...

 

[GEM]

I guess I just don't get it. The lady who teaches next door to me is black. She has a little boy just a bit younger than Paul. We've spent tons of time talking about parenting issues, babies, etc. As far as I can see, her child is being raised in pretty much the same way Paul is. I don't see what difference race makes, but maybe I'm just being naive.

 

[Hillbeans]

Wow, this thread is very touching, and informative.

For someone who knows very little about the process you opened my eyes to everything you all (or your families) have been through. Best of luck to all of you who have adopted, are in the process, or consider it in the future, it's a wonderful gift for any child lucky enough out there to be raised by a loving adoptive family.

 

[skoi]

GEM

The people we know would say yes, you are being naive, but we're getting into hugely controversial issues here. My husband's co-workers are very conscious of racial issues, and looking back, perhaps we took their warnings/bad feelings too much to heart.

But then again, when we got our information on Jie Hua- we were sure she was the baby for us. She even bears an uncanny resemblance to photos of our bio kids when they were babies--fat cheeks, mouth open, surly expression for the photographer. It was weird. Everyone else's babies looked so sweet, or shocked, in their referral photos. Our baby looked very indignant.

BTW: I'm not saying you're naive, just saying what our acquaintances would say. Hope I didn't offend you or anyone else.

 

[VampHeartless]

When I was researching this a long time ago, I remember there was a lot less paperwork and beuracracy invovled overseas. There's a lot less limitations involving single parent adoption, gay couple adoption, and a lot of other things puritan america frowns down upon.

 

[alli'smom]

40 years ago when I was adopted I was chosen because I am Chinese. I was born in the US to a Chinese mother. My adoptive father was in the Korean War and came home wanting to adopt an oriental child. I was the only one in the orphanage that fit that description. My adoptive Mom is 100% Italian and looks it. My adoptive Dad is 100% German. Needless to say I looked like neither of them nor their 2 biological daughters. While there were occasions that someone would make a comment, I never felt that I didn't fit because of being Chinese. My adoptive parents took in several children through the years and adopted another girl after me. Your family is what you make of it not what other people think. My adoptive Mom claims that she can't remember which of us are adopted anyhow!

 

[Daxx]

God bless all adoptive parents for welcoming a child into their home regardless of race, color, religion, ethnicity, what country they came from, etc.

God bless all the birth parents for placing their children up for adoption and trusting those adoptive parents to "do right" by their kids. Those birth parents made a very difficult, unselfish decision.

God bless the adopted children who come into this situation innocently and through no fault of their own.

 

[happybratpack]

God bless all adoptive parents for welcoming a child into their home regardless of race, color, religion, ethnicity, what country they came from, etc.

God bless all the birth parents for placing their children up for adoption and trusting those adoptive parents to "do right" by their kids. Those birth parents made a very difficult, unselfish decision.

God bless the adopted children who come into this situation innocently and through no fault of their own.

I've tried to stay out of this thread, but I just wanted to say...very well said!!!

 

[disney4us2002]

Thank you ChrisnSteph and zachnelli for sharing your adoption stories. As the person responsible for recruiting and training our foster/adoptive parents in my area, I am also disappointed to read many falsely-held beliefs. I think it is important when discussing domestic adoption to remember there is a distinct difference between domestic private adoption and domestic public adoption. When a couple is applying to become a foster/adoptive (we dually license families) family, there is little to no cost. Fingerprinting, water testing, fire marshal inspections, etc. are all paid for by the public agency. The home study is free. It is possible that a couple may have to pay a cost for physical exams if they don't have insurance allowing for physicals. As already mentioned, many children receive adoption assistance and medical insurance until they turn 18.

I'm just returning to this field so I'm uncertain whether the current laws I'm getting familiar with are state or federal but the tide is turning toward getting kids OUT of foster care and into permanent homes earlier and earlier. There is also (in Maryland at least) a "Safe Haven" law enabling a mother/father to abandon their newborn w/o consequences, questions, or followup. Just as there are sometimes health or social issues with foster children, there are often untreated or undiagnosed medical issues and social (think attachment disorders) issues with children coming from foreign countries. There is a couple I know who adopted twin girls from Korea, one was perfectly healthy and the other had a cleft palette and a shunt in her skull and the couple was unaware of her condition until she arrived here. Issues can occur in any adoption.

FTR, I did foster care casemanagement/cps for 11 yrs, then daycare, now back to social work. In the first 11 yrs I worked at Social Services, there was NOT ONE adoption case overturned after a TPR ruling (termination of parental rights). Our families are able to state whether they want a "risk" placement or only want a "legally free" placement. Also, we are not allowed to discriminate against any person or couple - not by race and not by sexual orientation (as someone else posted was less accepted domestically).

No child is more deserving than another and every child adopted into a stable, loving family is a good thing. Follow your heart and gut, but please get the facts.

 

[ZachnElli]

Since there are so many on this thread passionate about adoption I wanted to tell you what I found out today. They are trying to up the Adoption Tax Credit to $15,000!! Write your state representatives and get this pushed through, even if it doesn't help you, it could help so many others afford adoption!!

 

[scarlett873]

Since there are so many on this thread passionate about adoption I wanted to tell you what I found out today. They are trying to up the Adoption Tax Credit to $15,000!! Write your state representatives and get this pushed through, even if it doesn't help you, it could help so many others afford adoption!!

Thanks for the info! That's great news!!

 

[russtwinsmom]

Tantorini, here is a story that illustrates your point about finding "your" children.

We went to Russia to adopt under a blind referral system, which meant that we didn't get a referral for our children until we arrived. The referral contained basic information about our child (age, general health, etc.), but we had no photo and no description.

When we walked into the orphanage, the children were coming in from a walk and there were about twenty of them all about two years of age milling about. I looked around and then froze when I saw the most familiar-looking face I had ever seen in my life. I grabbed my husband's arm and said, "Look, that's him!" My husband whispered, "How do you know? There are so many them." To which I replied, " I just know!"

Turns out, I was right. He was ours, and strangely enough, I recognized his sister the same way (they don't look anything alike) just a few hours later.

I agree, it doesn't matter how your children come to you. When it happens, after it happens, you won't be able to imagine it any other way.

 

[lynetteSC]

that gave me goosebumps russtwinsmom!

Our story is not that profound but still kind of wow (to us anyway!). We had planned to send in our application during the middle of the yr. We wanted to wait until we had more $$$ saved so I could stay home. The day after Christmas, I woke up and told dh we HAD to turn in our scrapbook that week! I rushed around and got our scrapbook done and the application info (drs exams, etc) completed. We mailed it off New Year's Eve. They showed the book the day they got it to one bmom ...OURS!

She chose us b/c we had a poodle in the book and our frequent trips to WDW. First of all, we have no poodle, I thought the social worker was confusining us with other people, but I had forgot we were at someone's house over Christmas who had a poodle! We were matched the day before my b'day! We met with bmom and bdad on my bday. DS was born the day before our 10th anniversary and she signed papers on our 10th anniversary. We came home from the hospital the next day which was the day before Mother's Day!

I have no explanation for the way I felt when I woke up the day after Christmas ... I just felt like God was telling us to get our info in. Indeed, He did know what He was doing!

 

[septbride2002]

GEM and laurie 31--

Some of the comments made to us, by people we socialize with in and out of my husband's job- were very clear-- we weren't equipped to raise an African-American child because we were White. The people who said those things are quite friendly with my husband (including his boss) and they would say, "well, we know you don't mean it, but you're being racist and showing your ignorance about racial matters if you think you can raise an African America child as White parents." It really put us off, because these are people we associate with, these are educated people, many of whom attend church and are involved in the community, to whom we'd turn to when we had racial issues, but they were saying, don't do it, it'll be bad for the child. Some people were downright hostile about it. There were times I felt guilty that I had thought about it-- like I would be doing something horribly insensitive and racist and I would indeed, screw the child up emotionally.

The underlying problem, IMHO, is that different people have different perceptions about race, and the people advising us against African-American transracial adoption didn't see too much of a biological or cultural difference between us and an internationally adopted Asian child, but saw a huge gap between us and a domestically adopted, African-American child. And of course, we know people who would oppose any transracial adoption, as well as people who wouldn't have a problem with any kind.

Okay, I'm putting on my asbestos suit now...

I have had people who are both white and african american say that to me as well. Not to mention as one wonderful african american told me the child would never truly be excepted by either culture. That they would truly never fit into the white culture or the black.

~Amanda

 

[russtwinsmom]

Oh, Lynette, what a very nice story. I always remind people who get frustrated with the timing of their adoptions, that it is so they will be in the right place at the right time for their child to find them. Blessings to your family and thank heaven for poodles!

 

[nelle]

Thank you ChrisnSteph and zachnelli for sharing your adoption stories. As the person responsible for recruiting and training our foster/adoptive parents in my area, I am also disappointed to read many falsely-held beliefs. I think it is important when discussing domestic adoption to remember there is a distinct difference between domestic private adoption and domestic public adoption. When a couple is applying to become a foster/adoptive (we dually license families) family, there is little to no cost. Fingerprinting, water testing, fire marshal inspections, etc. are all paid for by the public agency. The home study is free. It is possible that a couple may have to pay a cost for physical exams if they don't have insurance allowing for physicals. As already mentioned, many children receive adoption assistance and medical insurance until they turn 18.

I'm just returning to this field so I'm uncertain whether the current laws I'm getting familiar with are state or federal but the tide is turning toward getting kids OUT of foster care and into permanent homes earlier and earlier. There is also (in Maryland at least) a "Safe Haven" law enabling a mother/father to abandon their newborn w/o consequences, questions, or followup. Just as there are sometimes health or social issues with foster children, there are often untreated or undiagnosed medical issues and social (think attachment disorders) issues with children coming from foreign countries. There is a couple I know who adopted twin girls from Korea, one was perfectly healthy and the other had a cleft palette and a shunt in her skull and the couple was unaware of her condition until she arrived here. Issues can occur in any adoption.

FTR, I did foster care casemanagement/cps for 11 yrs, then daycare, now back to social work. In the first 11 yrs I worked at Social Services, there was NOT ONE adoption case overturned after a TPR ruling (termination of parental rights). Our families are able to state whether they want a "risk" placement or only want a "legally free" placement. Also, we are not allowed to discriminate against any person or couple - not by race and not by sexual orientation (as someone else posted was less accepted domestically).

No child is more deserving than another and every child adopted into a stable, loving family is a good thing. Follow your heart and gut, but please get the facts.

I have to ask how long ago did this couple adopt twins from Korea? The reason that I ask that is because there is no way these people could have not known about their daughter's conditions. Korea has a medical system that is almost exactly like ours these conditions would have been reported in the referral paperwork and in all well baby checks. My son came home from Korea in june and he was born with a cleft lip and palate. The doctors here have said what an awesome job the doctors in Korea did with the closing of his cleft lip( he had a fairly large opening) the dentist said that the mouth piece that he wears is just like the one she would have made. There is no way these people did not know about their daughters conditions.

I too have heard what Amanda said that the children would not be accepted/fit in, in the african community or really in the white community. I also know that our son would not fit in or be accepted by the Korean community because he was raised by us. It is just one of those thing to consider when adopting a child of a different race. I can learn all that I can about the Korean culture and history but it still doesn't compare to what he could have had had he stayed in Korea.

As for adopting domestically my DH and I didn't even consider it. I watched my cousin go thru 3 failed domestic adoptions and I knew that there was no way that I could go through that or put my other kids thru that.

The main thing is that all children deserve a loving home whether here or abroad.