Question about adoption outside of U.S.

[scarlett873]

This can be such a touchy subject for people. My DH and I have recently begun the journey to adopting a baby from China. We've talked a lot about adopting domestically vs internationally and we've decided on international adoption for our first. I know what I can handle emotionally and I know that I would not be able to handle the heartache of losing a baby because the mother changed her mind. I know that doesn't happen all the time, but there's always the chance and I don't want to take it just yet.

China is pulling us...I know in my heart that this is the right decision for us. Not everyone understands it, but the only thing that matters is that this is right for us and we know it.

 

[phillybeth]

T Why do you have to have a perfectly healthy caucasian infant from the US? Why can't it be another race or biracial?

It's their choice what child to add to their family. Who are you to say what kind of child they can adopt?

You're happy with your domestic adoption- good for you. There are many who aren't. Or who are not happy with the system and choose another way. Neither is wrong.

 

[ZachnElli]

It's their choice what child to add to their family. Who are you to say what kind of child they can adopt?

You're happy with your domestic adoption- good for you. There are many who aren't. Or who are not happy with the system and choose another way. Neither is wrong.

You are not understanding my question. If you go with a domestic infant, it has to be a healthy caucasian, but if you go overseas it's not, so why not stay here and get one that is not caucasian. I'm certainly not telling anyone what they should adopt, it's just a question and one dh and I gave to ourselves. We totally planned to adopt overseas, but when finding out there are babies in the US that go to foster care instead of adoptive families because of their skin color or health, we chose to stay here. Do you see what I'm saying? It's an honest question, not a slam.

 

[septbride2002]

This can be such a touchy subject for people. My DH and I have recently begun the journey to adopting a baby from China. We've talked a lot about adopting domestically vs internationally and we've decided on international adoption for our first. I know what I can handle emotionally and I know that I would not be able to handle the heartache of losing a baby because the mother changed her mind. I know that doesn't happen all the time, but there's always the chance and I don't want to take it just yet.

China is pulling us...I know in my heart that this is the right decision for us. Not everyone understands it, but the only thing that matters is that this is right for us and we know it.

I'm only asking this because you two look so young! Are you both over the age of 30?

~Amanda

 

[phillybeth]

You are not understanding my question. If you go with a domestic infant, it has to be a healthy caucasian, but if you go overseas it's not, so why not stay here and get one that is not caucasian. I'm certainly not telling anyone what they should adopt, it's just a question and one dh and I gave to ourselves. We totally planned to adopt overseas, but when finding out there are babies in the US that go to foster care instead of adoptive families because of their skin color or health, we chose to stay here. Do you see what I'm saying? It's an honest question, not a slam.

You are confusing the issue. What I said is the wait for a HEALTHY CAUCASIAN INFANT can be years. There are people who only want healthy caucasian infants. That is their choice.

To me, the difference is that with an overseas adoption the adoption is closed and there is no chance of a birth mother OR father showing up months or years later trying to get the child back. THAT is why people choose international adoption.

 

[mickeyfan2]

There are four international adoptions in our family. The reasons given are:

1) The adoption is closed.
2) The adoption is final.
3) They wanted a child under 3.
4) They could get a child that "looked" like them.
5) Costs less.
6) No "finding the parent" when they are older, unless the child initiated it. (The birth parents don't know where the child went).
7) Easier

 

[scarlett873]

I'm only asking this because you two look so young! Are you both over the age of 30?

~Amanda

I am 32 and my DH is 33.

 

[septbride2002]

You are not understanding my question. If you go with a domestic infant, it has to be a healthy caucasian, but if you go overseas it's not, so why not stay here and get one that is not caucasian. I'm certainly not telling anyone what they should adopt, it's just a question and one dh and I gave to ourselves. We totally planned to adopt overseas, but when finding out there are babies in the US that go to foster care instead of adoptive families because of their skin color or health, we chose to stay here. Do you see what I'm saying? It's an honest question, not a slam.

I'm glad that it works for you. After a lot of discussion DH and myself felt that domestic adoption was not something we want to pursue.

Also you are creating your own myths. In some countries yes the health of a child can never be fully known. This is especially true in China where children are abandoned and picked up. In a country like Korea typically adoptive familys get a full description of the pre-natal care of the baby as well as a history of health for the mother. I believe this is also true in Guatemala and in sometimes in Russia. Also Korea has the same health standards as the U.S. therefore the children are very well looked after and typically have Dr.s appt. every month to monitor their health.

Skin color matters little to me.

~Amanda

 

[mickeyfan2]

The cost they quote for an internation adoption can end up doubling or tripling due to bribes. And yes, they did pay bribes in their international adoption.

 

[ZachnElli]

You are confusing the issue. What I said is the wait for a HEALTHY CAUCASIAN INFANT can be years. There are people who only want healthy caucasian infants. That is their choice.

To me, the difference is that with an overseas adoption the adoption is closed and there is no chance of a birth mother OR father showing up months or years later trying to get the child back. THAT is why people choose international adoption.

No, I'm not confusing the issue. When people say we didn't want to wait 5-7 years for an infant in the US, they are saying they only want a healthy caucasian infant from the US. So instead they go overseas, where they don't get a healthy caucasian infant. If they say they want a closed adoption, that's a different reason to adopt overseas. Also, less than 1% of birthmothers and birthfather change their minds after placement. I don't want people scared of adopting in the US. 20,000+ infants are born and adopted in the US each year and there had been a shortage of adoptive parents lately (at least there was last year) in the west and midwest. The day I picked up Noah, 4 other babies were placed in foster care.

 

[Twinprincesses]

My parents have adopted 4 times from Korea... There is no chance for the birth mother to come back, the wait time is much less and the cost is much less too.

 

[laurie31]

I am only in the dreaming phases of adoption. Like the poster who said she felt drawn to China, I feel drawn to Russia and Ukraine. I don't know why.

I was adopted myself, and I have no doubt that I would love an adopted child as much as I love my bio daughters. I also believe that although I was not my parents' bio child, I was meant to be their child and they were meant to be my parents. If God provides a child to our family through adoption, it will be a child that is meant to be ours, whether that child is in the US or in Ukraine. I will have to go where my child is.

There was also a poster who mentioned adoption out of birth order. This is a pretty big deal for us. DD1 is very interested in adoption, (in us adopting, I mean) but is adamant that she remain the oldest child. DD2 doesn't care whether she stays the youngest or not. I do NOT want to adopt a infant/toddler. My ideal would be siblings that are between 4 and 12 years old. We will likely wait until our girls are a bit older and we can go with the higher end of that range. We would even be willing to adopt a teen, as long as DD1 was older. There are many teens available both in the US and abroad. We may wait until our girls are old enough that we could adopt a teen. I would be tempted to do it sooner, if DD1 were not so attatched to her role as first born.

Adding additional children will really change the dynamics of our family and we all have to be in agreement that it's what we want to do and that we're ready. We also have to be sure our feelings are truly for the child to become a part of our family and not just the desire to "rescue" a child from an orphanage or the foster care system.

I have found that even perfectly healthy children (of any race) who are older are considered "hard to place," especially if they are part of a sibling group, and there is almost no cost to adopt them domestically. Overseas, you may find them with reduced fees (that sounds AWFUL - a child who's marked down for quick sale, like a steak about to expire ) but you stil have the travel and legal expenses. It's a complex decision.

Laurie

 

[clutter]

ZachnElli, remember it goes by the state adoption laws. Every state is different and has different policies for terminating parental rights. I know someone that is adopting in one state through the foster program, and the adoption will be firmly final very quickly. I know another mother that lost twins three years into the adoption process through the foster program. I know a mom in another state that has loved her daughter for a year (today). Parental rights are almost terminated, but now there is extended family that wants the girl, and it sounds likely that she'll lose her foster daughter.

Not all states are equal, so you really can't compare one domestic adoption to another. And yes, many prospective adoptive parents are turned off by stories that may not hold true in their state.

 

[Tantorini]

I understand why this is an interesting topic, I really do, however it still bugs me.

When we began our international adoption I sat down to figure out *why* this bugs me.. and I think it breaks down to a philosophical difference..

Some people look at adoption as "saving a child" .. while I (and others) look at adoption as a way to grow a family.

There is no chance that my two boys, who happened to be born in Russia, are NOT my children. So I had to go to Russia to find them... I have friends who had to go to a fertility specialist to "find" their children - what exactly is the difference?

My husband, was adopted domestically as an infant. He has never had contact with his birth family, and he's never had a desire to meet them. He's very happy with his parents, and has no doubt that they are his parents.

We do hear a lot (not from our friends and family.. thank goodness).. why did you adopt from Russia when there are so many needy children *here*. And I usually say, because we weren't looking for any children, we were looking for our children.

So I guess... I'm no help.. because I don't see it as a formula on how to save a child..

 

[Micheme]

I think we should take a deep breath and think about this.

Those of us who have travelled our adoption journey DID LOTS of research before we even decided from where to adopt. Here in Canada (can't comment on the US) we went to seminars for domestic adoption and international adoption. These seminars and other documentation gave us the information we used to make our decision. We talked to social workers, our local Family and Children Services about domestic and international adoption. We talked to other persons who have gone through the adoption journey. Before we decided to adopt from China we had all the information we needed to make an INFORMED decision.

As I had posted on my original post, everyone's adoption decision is DEEPLY personal. Only you can decide what is the best for your family and its future. Yes there are a lot of children available for adoption in US and here in Canada but there are situations and issues that are involved in domestic adoptions that made us choose an international adoption. Again this is the way I felt at the time of our adoption decision.

I hope this doesn't turn into a finger pointing and international vs domestic adoptive parents. We are just all blessed that our children have come into our lives and let us love them a little too much (well in my case anyway)

 

[ChrisnSteph]

I have found that even perfectly healthy children (of any race) who are older are considered "hard to place," especially if they are part of a sibling group, and there is almost no cost to adopt them domestically. Overseas, you may find them with reduced fees (that sounds AWFUL - a child who's marked down for quick sale, like a steak about to expire ) but you stil have the travel and legal expenses. It's a complex decision.

If you adopt a hard to place child domestically (babies aged 2+, older children, drug/alcohol exposed infants, ect.) through your local fost/adopt, not only does it cost absolutely nothing, but most states will pay you a monthly subsidy until the child turns 18 (it's a federally funded program called AAP, or adoption assistance payments), plus pay for their medical insurance. It's like an incentive to adopt the harder to place children. Not that anyone would do it for the money, but if you want to adopt and the financial aspect of raising another child is a concern for you, it's something to consider.

 

[antmaril]

We adopted our son from South Korea when he was 3 1/2 months old. He is now almost 19 and a college freshman.

There have been differing opinions on this thread, but all I can say is that I believe that EVERY child deserves a loving home. This is a win-win situation for everyone. Yes, it would be wonderful if EVERY child who needs a home finds one, but we all know that will never happen.

If you are asking how we decided to adopt from South Korea, I will give you the true story. When my husband and I were newly married, we were having dinner in a Mexican restaurant. There was a couple there with their Korean baby daughter (about a year old). This couple was in their late thirties or early forties and were "over the moon" about this baby. They were in love with this baby and it was obvious to anyone sitting near them. I said to my husband "I could do that" and he looked at me and said "me too". At that moment, the seed was planted.

Many years later, when I was unable to conceive, we knew what we were going to do. We started looking into an international adoption and from the time we mailed our application to his arrival took five months.

My son is a gift from God and I am thankful to be his mother every day of my life.

 

[CEDmom]

I'm not going to get the specifics about why my DH and I chose to adopt our DD from China rather than pursuing a domestic adoption. It was the right decision for us and I can't imagine a child better fit for our family.

I do however want to educate people a little on how babies in China become available for adoption. In China it is against the law to give a baby up for adoption. However, babies aren't abandoned like you hear about some mothers doing here - they aren't put out in the trash. On the contrary, they are left in a place where they will be found quickly. Often it's on the steps of a hospital or police station or in a train station. Most of the time the person who leaves the baby will wait in the distance to make sure someone comes along and helps.

Also, contrary to what most people believe, girls are loved in China. However, there isn't any social welfare system there so the reality is that sons are expected to take care of their parents. Giving up daughters is a matter of survival in most families. Personally I can't imagine a more gut wrenching thing to have to do. Their government is taking steps to help the situation, in 2000 they instituted a program to allow families to adopt a daughter without any financial penalty if they wanted a 2nd child.

Sorry for getting on my soapbox but this is just a pet peeve of mine.

 

[ZachnElli]

As I had posted on my original post, everyone's adoption decision is DEEPLY personal. Only you can decide what is the best for your family and its future. Yes there are a lot of children available for adoption in US and here in Canada but there are situations and issues that are involved in domestic adoptions that made us choose an international adoption. Again this is the way I felt at the time of our adoption decision.

I hope this doesn't turn into a finger pointing and international vs domestic adoptive parents. We are just all blessed that our children have come into our lives and let us love them a little too much (well in my case anyway)

I agree 100%!! It's just a pet peeve of mine when people say it takes some outrageous number of years to adopt in the US, because it doesn't. If you are drawn to another country, then say that, own up to just wanting to go there. But don't tell others that it takes too long in the US, because it's just not true.

Clutter-foster to adopt program is a totally different animal and I won't even go there! I have quite a few colored opinions on the US foster care system and it sounds like you would agree with me on some of them!!

 

[Beanie]

My nephew and his wife just adopted a baby boy from Korea! They decided to adopt internationally because of the cost. They said it was VERY expensive to adopt a child within the U.S. and the waiting period was long. They just picked up little Kaleb a month ago at JFK and he is the sweetest little baby boy you could imagine! He is 8 months old and I believe they told me that when they were through with everything, it cost them around 15,000 total.