Putting yourself first- how?

[Mermaid02]

I have been told by my ortho surgeon and my pt that I need to put myself first and I'm just not sure how to do that. I don't think I even have myself on the list let alone in the first position. I have a demanding household right now and I'm not sure how to change it. What do you do for yourself on a regular basis?

 

[MerMom60_94]

I think the first step in freeing yourself up is recognizing when are you in demand because you are needed versus when are you in demand because you are wanted. There is a difference. You have to be there when you are needed (i.e. for a sick child or spouse) but if it's a simple matter of somebody wants you (i.e. they want you home to cook dinner but are perfectly capable of heating something up for themselves or ordering takeout) you can say no and put yourself first. Also, schedule time and block it out for yourself. I like to go to the gym because I tend to have a weight problem if I don't go so the first thing I do each day is decide what class I am going to that night and consider it part of my schedule. I don't look at it as optional. If I am running late at work and miss the class I go and use the equipment instead.

Mermaid02, you are important. You need to recognize you are important and you cannot properly be there for others unless you keep yourself in a good place and take time for yourself. Ironically, you will be a better wife / daughter / mother / friend if you do because you will be mentally in a better place to meet everyones needs if you take the time to do whatever it is you need to do.

 

[Mermaid02]

I think the first step in freeing yourself up is recognizing when are you in demand because you are needed versus when are you in demand because you are wanted. There is a difference. You have to be there when you are needed (i.e. for a sick child or spouse) but if it's a simple matter of somebody wants you (i.e. they want you home to cook dinner but are perfectly capable of heating something up for themselves or ordering takeout) you can say no and put yourself first. Also, schedule time and block it out for yourself. I like to go to the gym because I tend to have a weight problem if I don't go so the first thing I do each day is decide what class I am going to that night and consider it part of my schedule. I don't look at it as optional. If I am running late at work and miss the class I go and use the equipment instead.

Mermaid02, you are important. You need to recognize you are important and you cannot properly be there for others unless you keep yourself in a good place and take time for yourself. Ironically, you will be a better wife / daughter / mother / friend if you do because you will be mentally in a better place to meet everyones needs if you take the time to do whatever it is you need to do.

Thank you Leslie- I appreciate your insight more than you know!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Mermom has hit the nail on the head.

This is how you go about putting yourself first is that you take what you NEED to do, like your P/T, and you schedule the other things around it. Use a calendar.

Are you OCD with cleaning or other things? My sister has that problem. She will put herself last because she "has to" do "this". The rational she uses is that "people expect/want/will be happy with "it" this way".

However the truth is that she is OCDish and SHE has to do it that way for her. If she does not she gets anxiety. It took her a long time to figure that one out or really admit to it.

Not sure where you sit OP, but just throwing things out there.

 

[Mommee]

I spend several hours a week at PT, plus my surgeries and ortho appointments, and I always feel guilty. DH told me last night to never apologize again for something that is necessary, because he finds it insulting to think that I think that he thinks I'm not worth it. Does that make sense? So I tried to think about how I'd feel if DH was going through this....would I want him to shove it aside in the name of me? Absolutely not. But I still struggle. I was sacrificial mom for so long that it's habit to think of everyone else first.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I have been told by my ortho surgeon and my pt that I need to put myself first and I'm just not sure how to do that. I don't think I even have myself on the list let alone in the first position. I have a demanding household right now and I'm not sure how to change it. What do you do for yourself on a regular basis?

Simple:

"I can't help you get out of a hole if I jump down there in it with you."

I apply this thinking as reasoning for quite a bit that I do in my real life. If I'm not feeling my best or working at the top of my game, then I've got very few resources available to help other people with.

To put it another way, my bank account has to have money in it if I'm going to be able to loan or give you money. If I need energy to be a good wife, friend, aunt, neighbor, etc, then I'm responsible for making sure I have that energy in my account to start with.

As for what I do, I have hobbies, movies, music, most importantly - ME ALONE TIME - that helps me keep my account full. I go away and recharge, then come back and be a better wife, friend, aunt, and neighbor.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

I think the first step in freeing yourself up is recognizing when are you in demand because you are needed versus when are you in demand because you are wanted. There is a difference. You have to be there when you are needed (i.e. for a sick child or spouse) but if it's a simple matter of somebody wants you (i.e. they want you home to cook dinner but are perfectly capable of heating something up for themselves or ordering takeout) you can say no and put yourself first. Also, schedule time and block it out for yourself. I like to go to the gym because I tend to have a weight problem if I don't go so the first thing I do each day is decide what class I am going to that night and consider it part of my schedule. I don't look at it as optional. If I am running late at work and miss the class I go and use the equipment instead.

Mermaid02, you are important. You need to recognize you are important and you cannot properly be there for others unless you keep yourself in a good place and take time for yourself. Ironically, you will be a better wife / daughter / mother / friend if you do because you will be mentally in a better place to meet everyones needs if you take the time to do whatever it is you need to do.

This is great advice. I am getting at this stage of my life now. Kiddos are grown, its time for me now. I am still in the learning stages of putting myself first, but I am determined to make things happen. I have always put everyone and everything before myself.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

As a nurse and mother, as well as having many other care*giver* roles in my life, I am not accustomed whatsoever to being on the receiving end of caregiving. I'm a strong woman and I relish the role. I'm also pretty darn good at multitasking (if I do say so myself).

But having cancer changed that for me - treatment knocked me on my butt for the better part of a year, and I hated the fact that it did. I bucked it for a while but eventually came to the difficult realization that for my own good, I needed to let others help me, and, more importantly, I needed to remember to take care of me myself, too. It wasn't easy. It took a social worker in my support group to order me to take time for myself, as I was driving myself crazy still trying to take care of everyone else while it was me who needed nurturing at that point. I guess you could say that woke me up to how important it was.

I think it's difficult in our world to make taking care of ourselves a priority when life is so pressured. We as women take care of everyone else first. But it does lead to burnout and other issues (health, emotional, etc) as time goes on and the pressure doesn't let up.

You know, it doesn't have to be anything major. I was told to wear my favorite color sometimes (Her: "Why don't you??" Me: "I dunno, I guess I don't think about it too much"). Or buy myself flowers for no reason at all. Or to put music I like on in the car and play it really loud. Or to light a candle and take 5 minutes to myself to just close my eyes and relax (which, in studies, has been found to lower stress levels for the rest of the day). Living a healthy lifestyle is a gift you give yourself. And yes, a WDW trip or two doesn't hurt, either. (Or whatever else it is you like to do.)

It's OK. Give yourself permission.

As women, we don't think about these types of things, but they're important.

 

[Freyja]

Mermaid, this is no easy task, but definitely one that pays off in the end. Believe me, I know! I have a very demanding household too. I have 5 children and I work almost full time + I´m a full time university student.
I have found out that there is no way I can be a good mother and wife, unless I take care of myself too. What matters to me, may be something totally different than what matters most to you so I think it´s important that you do some soul searching in order to find out what you need.

I´ll tell you a little bit about what works for me.

Music is extremely important to me. My whole life I´ve been involved in musical activities of some sort. After I had my children I stopped but I really, really missed it. 3 years ago I decided to join a semi-professional choir and I love it. We practice 4 hours a week, and 1 Saturday every month + more when we have concerts, so it´s time consuming. But it gives me so much in return and I feel full of energy after each practice/rehersal.

I´m also a very social person so I make sure to take the time at least twice a month to meet up with my girlfriends, without the kids.

Many people say they don´t understand how I can find the time to do all of the things I do and still seem to come across as a relaxed person. I always say it´s because I do all of the things I do

 

[golfgal]

The one thing that most people that can't make time for themselves have an issue with is control. They feel that no one can do things right or as well as they can. You have to give up control of things in order to make time for yourself, period. Assign everyone in the house a job to do that you normally do, making dinner each night, paying bills, whatever, then put on your calendar during that time that you would normally do that time for yourself--go upstairs and read a book or whatever. It takes a couple weeks for this to become a habit but once it does, it will get easier.

 

[Freyja]

The one thing that most people that can't make time for themselves have an issue with is control. They feel that no one can do things right or as well as they can. You have to give up control of things in order to make time for yourself, period. Assign everyone in the house a job to do that you normally do, making dinner each night, paying bills, whatever, then put on your calendar during that time that you would normally do that time for yourself--go upstairs and read a book or whatever. It takes a couple weeks for this to become a habit but once it does, it will get easier.

I second this advice In order for you to be able to take out time for yourself and put yourself first you need to surrender. In the sense that you need to be willing to let some things "go". My DH can just as well pick up the kids as I can, he and the kids can just as well make dinner as I can, kids can clean up dog poo in the garden just as well as I can, etc.

 

[redrosesix]

I have been told by my ortho surgeon and my pt that I need to put myself first and I'm just not sure how to do that. I don't think I even have myself on the list let alone in the first position. I have a demanding household right now and I'm not sure how to change it. What do you do for yourself on a regular basis?

Good question -- I have no idea...

The only thing I think I do just for me is to belong to the Dis (but that involves the trip planning that I do for everybody else)

so I'm subscribing to your thread.

 

[vettechick99]

MerMom, that is excellent advice!

I think I am very good at making time for myself. I know my limits. I know that I am not any good when I'm stressed or over-extended. Also, I have always allowed DH to be a hands-on father, which is what he wants. We both work during the week so I am in charge of DD from 4-6pm when he is at work and at the gym. When he gets home, we eat and he usually puts her to bed. That extra 30 mins really helps me out.

On the weekends, we just take turns watching DD. Today, he slept in til 9ish and then let me take a short nap from 11-12. Now he is helping his dad and I'm in charge again, but when he gets home in a bit, he'll take over and allow me some downtime.

So it helps to have help in the form of your DH. But the older kids can really take care of themselves. Making their own snacks, independent play, etc. And if your kids have to hear a no once in a while, BFD. They will make it.